DP daughter is challenging

[Lakes11]

Most of mine and DP arguments stem from her DD. She's 11 so I know hormones are playing a role and some of her behaviour is normal pre teen. However we have been on holiday since Monday and her behaviour has been shocking and damn right rude!
First day we went shopping for the 4 of us. We went to pick ice creams for us, she saw some that she loves. Flew the door open to the freezer and said I don't care about anyone else I'm having these and put them in the basket.
I was shocked and I said to DP I thought we were choosing as a family. She said we'll I've promised for ages she could have some. I said we'll it's not fair for her DD to get them to herself and not for DS to have any. Then DD huffed and threw them back and said fine I won't have them. DP let her have them in the end. Apparently according to DP it was my fault for bringing the rude attention up at that point in front of the children.
All holiday DP, DD has said I want to do this, I want this. Never consults anyone. Tonight I had some crisps. I saw her staring at me eating them. Once I put them down she grabbed them and ate all the rest.
She's massively defiant and will ignore me and DP. She will ask me something and if I say no then I can hear her asking DP. I have confronted this and she will be like oh I forget or oh I didn't hear you.
Her DD has to be centre of attention. The loudest and screaming to get people to look. Whenever her mum is around she will be so sweet and polite but when she's not within earshot she's cheeky and rude to me. She thinks she's an adult and tries to include herself in adult decisions, if me and DP are talking she will constantly ask what we said. If I say nothing she will ask DP relentlessly. She sometimes says she gives us permission or will allow us to do this or that. I've told her we don't need permission from her.

I've just had enough. I feel DP enables this behaviour. She tells her off sometimes but let's things slip other times. I'd she's told off she will resort to crocodile tears to DP and a baby voice.
Tbh it's driving me crazy.
It's been ages since she's been this way. I thought all had settled with her. Things were like this about 6 months ago and I finally thought all was good and had built a good bond between me and Dsd but she's reverted back now.
I don't know what to do

Not sure why posters are assuming OP is a “he”. At any rate I’ve written my advice as equally applicable no matter the OP’s sex or gender.

I'd say context is key here. The icecream scenario seems like a non event, that you were shocked by. Given that you were shocked by this, it suggests this is the worst of her behaviour.

With regards to the crisps, that's not on and I would have told her so. But again context is key, did she have access to crisps too or were you muching away infront of her whilst she was hungry?

I agree with PPs, the bratty behaviour is normal for teens.

My 10 yo does all of these sometimes, except maybe 4 and 7 (but he is loud and cries when overwhelmed). He has ADHD. He's very impulsive. He wants to behave well but sometimes his impulses get the better of him.

Ok but who gets to choose then?

If DP had promised DD she could have them, it would have been better to say to everyone, "are these all ok for everyone?" Or buy two types. They'll get eaten anyway I should imagine.

I think yabu.
As a pp said it's hard to get past the ice cream issue which is a non issue tbh. I know you're getting some for the family to share which is something we do if we are in a shop / supermarket but I can't see why you couldn't just let her choose ice cream she likes on holiday.

It's so hard to tell on MN on any thread as we only have what you say to go on but if your opinion of the ice cream situation is so biased then why wouldn't everything else be. Are you sure you're not just projecting a bit here.

Yes, this is what we do. Just buy more than one type of ice cream. My dc would certainly see this as normal thing to do. They'd be surprised if we went on holiday with another adult who had different ideas of what was going to happen when we are buying ice cream.

You were setting her up with the crisps. You knew she wanted some, and left them where she could just take them. When you saw her looking at them, why didn’t you offer some of her own?

Because statistically most people who have a female partner are men. I also did it just to annoy the political correctness police.

Yes ADHD 11 year olds could be like this. But there's no suggestion this girl has ADHD or any similar problem, and most 11 year olds don't have ADHD. And of course a child can have ADHD and also be just badly behaved because of bad parenting.

Yeah I think this is the most likely scenario. The mother feels guilty about the new relationship, the fact her daughter doesn't like the new partner, the way the previous one ended maybe, what sounds like a new stepsibling she could be jealous of, so tries to compensate by spoiling her. Common enough.

I would bet that the OP's communication skills also leave a lot to be desired, going by his post, which won't help.

OP my DD is 10 and oh my god the rudeness that has spring from nowhere from my formerly wonderful polite little girl has really riled me. So sulky and abrupt, and entitled sometimes. I’m half way between “it’s hormones, she’s showing signs of puberty, roll with it” and “nuh uh no way an I letting her talk to me like that”. Funnily enough, the worst she’s been was on our holiday recently to the point I sat crying with frustration one night. Anyway - you need to be a United front as these little cheeky bags of hormones will run rings round you given half the chance and they absolutely identify when you and your OH are not a United front. In other words - you have a DP problem. 11yo girls are gonna 11yo-girl their way through the next few months but you HAVE to nip it in the bud at times.

She does sound very annoying, I feel for you. I don't think you were unreasonable about the ice cream, either, if the premise was that we were buying a family sized box, I would be having harsh words with my DC if they said "I don't care about anyone else" and I would not get the thing they wanted as a result. I totally get how much worse this behaviour feels when the parent doesn't say anything about it.

Does she live with you full time?

11 yr olds might behave like this when they’ve been an only child for a long time and suddenly have to make room for a new partner and child on the scene.

11 yr olds might behave like this if their parents had a difficult break up and there’s now a new partner and child in the scene.

11 yr olds might behave like this if their step parent has been in their lives a long time and there’s a new sibling, and the step parent loves them more because they are their actual child.

The op has given minimal information.

There are so many reasons why an 11 yr old would behave like this, and the blended family situation seems the obvious reason. Particularly as the op used the ice cream situation (a complete non issue, and could be typical snapshot behaviour of any child at any age) as an example of bad behaviour.

Have a look in the step parenting topic. This is as old as the hills.

But statistically 90% of users on MN are women so that sort of sweeps away the heteronormative stats of the rest of online.

Sure. And in all that context, or without it, they're likely to behave like this if their mother:

'tells her off sometimes but let's things slip other times. I'd she's told off she will resort to crocodile tears to DP and a baby voice.'

That's also a really common way that parents react to a child who's upset by a family breakup/blended family situation. Yet there seem to be a deep-rooted reluctance here to even notice what he's said about the mother's parenting, let alone ascribe any responsibility for it to her. That makes no sense.

I understand if she's rude to you that must be really hard. Your DP needs to be on your side for this.

However...I would say pick your battles, the ice cream thing is a non issue, just get 2 packs of ice cream, why cause a fuss? The more attention you give to negative behaviour the more she will do it. She's at a super testing age and as you're not her mum she'll be ramping it up. Maybe take a step back, let more stuff go and let DP parent his child.

The woman in this case also apparently has two children with two different parents, including seemingly one with the OP. That makes it much less likely that she's either bisexual or a lesbian. It's also much easier to follow comments if you can use he and she rather than neutral terms. Anyway, as I said, I'd do it just to annoy people who get annoyed about heteronormativity.

She just sounds like she is 11. Try to approach her teenage years and hormonal behaviour with humour and compassion

Your SD sounds infuriating OP, I feel for you. It is a difficult age like others have pointed out, young girls have a lot more going on hormone wise. That’s not an excuse, but it does explain it slightly. Parental guidance is very important at this stage and it sounds like you need to speak to your partner about her parenting because she should be nipping these naughty streaks in the bud. I’d have more issue with her attitude towards others than the ice cream choice itself, which is how I took your OP. It’s rude and entitled to just grab your favourite with no regard for others, her comment confirmed that.

However it is affecting the OP, male or female, their concern should be for their poor son who is caught in the middle of this, on holidays, far from home.

It sounds horribly stressful.
Obviously in a blended situation things can be a lot more complicated.

But parents bringing their children into this situation have an obligation to protect their own children.

The OP's son is collateral damage to this child and its parent and their challenging behaviour, which is obviously dominating the holiday.

The OP should be be primarily worried about their son and this stressful holiday they have been dragged on.

It's not working.

Poor boy. I really feel so sorry for children like this.

They come last, and don't they know it.

It sounds like she doesn't know how to communicate with you politely and effectively- she's figured it out with her DM, but not test with you.

She wanted some crisps, but was nervous of asking, which is why she then grabbed them. Why didn't you offer her some crisps or put them in a bowl to share.

Why didn't you buy two types of ice cream? Or were you eating them immediately? I think it was Ok to let her have her choice this time, but she needed to be shown how to communicate that she really wanted those ice creams.

Raising children is a long game, they're not all born with beautiful manners and fabulous social skills.

You've left a lot of information out - is DS shared or just yours?

To be honest, at face value - it sounds like you're expecting her to bend to you rather than you also making an effort with her.

If she's staring at your crisps - offer her some? That's a friendly gesture from you.

The ice cream - I won't bang on but as others have said, perfectly normal for an excited 11 year old on holiday.

You need to lower your expectations, realise that a partners child isn't going to be easy on you and make the effort with her. It's possible that your partner is giving into their daughter because they feel you aren't making an equal effort into getting along with her but instead bring up her flaws.