Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP daughter is challenging

181 replies

Lakes11 · 24/08/2023 22:04

Most of mine and DP arguments stem from her DD. She's 11 so I know hormones are playing a role and some of her behaviour is normal pre teen. However we have been on holiday since Monday and her behaviour has been shocking and damn right rude!
First day we went shopping for the 4 of us. We went to pick ice creams for us, she saw some that she loves. Flew the door open to the freezer and said I don't care about anyone else I'm having these and put them in the basket.
I was shocked and I said to DP I thought we were choosing as a family. She said we'll I've promised for ages she could have some. I said we'll it's not fair for her DD to get them to herself and not for DS to have any. Then DD huffed and threw them back and said fine I won't have them. DP let her have them in the end. Apparently according to DP it was my fault for bringing the rude attention up at that point in front of the children.
All holiday DP, DD has said I want to do this, I want this. Never consults anyone. Tonight I had some crisps. I saw her staring at me eating them. Once I put them down she grabbed them and ate all the rest.
She's massively defiant and will ignore me and DP. She will ask me something and if I say no then I can hear her asking DP. I have confronted this and she will be like oh I forget or oh I didn't hear you.
Her DD has to be centre of attention. The loudest and screaming to get people to look. Whenever her mum is around she will be so sweet and polite but when she's not within earshot she's cheeky and rude to me. She thinks she's an adult and tries to include herself in adult decisions, if me and DP are talking she will constantly ask what we said. If I say nothing she will ask DP relentlessly. She sometimes says she gives us permission or will allow us to do this or that. I've told her we don't need permission from her.

I've just had enough. I feel DP enables this behaviour. She tells her off sometimes but let's things slip other times. I'd she's told off she will resort to crocodile tears to DP and a baby voice.
Tbh it's driving me crazy.
It's been ages since she's been this way. I thought all had settled with her. Things were like this about 6 months ago and I finally thought all was good and had built a good bond between me and Dsd but she's reverted back now.
I don't know what to do

OP posts:
KajsaKavat · 26/08/2023 02:26

Lakes11 · 25/08/2023 22:10

Sorry for not getting back sooner, didn't have a moment to read and reply. Just got back off holiday. So to answer the questions:

Me and DP do not live together and have been together 4 years. I've know DSD 3 years.
Me and DP don't share any children. DS is my child and is younger the DSD by a few years.
The ice cream situation as stated it was a multipack for the holiday home. I'm absolutely fine with choosing a couple different ones for people as we might not all enjoy one. It's the fact she flung open the door, grabbed them and shouted "I don't care about other people, I'm having these" without a discussion. DP must have promised her them back home which I was not aware of until she then said it in the shop but DP completely dismissed the rude behaviour at the time. I just picked this one example at the time. There are many many different ones.

The crisps situation, I didn't offer because I'd barely had a look in because DSD had already eaten the majority of them so I decided to have some. It's like she was territorial of them even though the food was for everyone.

Other examples of the past few days were DP and DSD wrote in the guest book. DS wanted to write a little thank you too so he did so this morning. DSD saw he had done this and then proceeded to wrote something else in the book straight after him and much longer even though she had already done this.
DS and DSD were playing an imaginary game. DSD was the queen and my DS asked to be the king she told him no absolutely not you have to be my servant.

With the butting in with adult conversations. Often me and DP will be discussing something in another room and DSD will be earwigging, come in and ask questions even though its a private conversation.

A few days ago, we were swimming and DP said to me its DSD world and we all just live in it. Which is true, it is. But no matter if I speak up or not DP wont have it. She will stick up for DSD or say I have a problem. Me and DSD have always got on well even in her previous testing times. I've praised her, supported her, watched her hobbies, cheered her on etc. But this behaviour on this holiday has been another level.

We went away 4 weeks ago for 3 nights and she was no where near this bad.

I know ultimately I have a DP problem because DP can also be rude to me at times. Get in moods with me and give me the silent treatment etc. So perhaps DSD is modelling this, I dont know.

You don’t come across well here AT ALL, you say she was territorial about the crisps , I 100% believe you are the territorial one here.
shw is a child who wants her dad back and you are a jealous new gf, u really hope your bf realised that you are not good for his daughter and takes sensible steps.

Original poster
Lakes11 · 26/08/2023 03:43

Fifireee · 25/08/2023 23:57

She sounds normal. I would have laughed it all off and called her cheeky.
I think you need to be kinder. She's a kid dealing with divorce. Give the kid a break. The language you use to describe her shows no kindness or understanding. She has to share her daddy with another person. She has every reason to be angry and frustrated.

Her parents were never together and have been apart since the day she was born. Her dad has been with someone since she was 1 year old.
I know DSD has caused issues between her dad and step mum over the recent years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lakes11 · 26/08/2023 03:45

Canisaysomething · 25/08/2023 23:29

I know ultimately I have a DP problem because DP can also be rude to me at times. Get in moods with me and give me the silent treatment etc. So perhaps DSD is modelling this, I dont know.

You've hit the nail on the head.
Silent treatment is not normal it's abusive.

Is it? I didn't realise it was abusive?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lakes11 · 26/08/2023 03:49

SunRainStorm · 25/08/2023 23:17

Honestly OP, you sound territorial TBH. What does it matter if an 11 year old wants to write something long in a guest book? You're the one monitoring everyone's crisp intake. Presumably they were for everyone, why not put them in a bowl and let everyone share rather than wait angrily for your turn of a bag?

Wanting to know what adults are talking about is normal 11 year old behaviour. Don't say 'nothing', she isn't stupid. Say 'it was a private conversation' and leave it there. If she badgers DP leave them to it.

The ice cream thing is rude, she was told it was so. She put the ice creams back. 11 year olds are bratty and annoying sometimes. Why do you take it personally?

I think YABU about your DSD.

But your bigger problem is in your update. Your partner is rude and emotionally abusive towards you. That's not ok. What are you doing to address that?

Do you think maybe you deflect onto the 11 year old for 'rude' and 'selfish' behaviour because it's easier or more manageable than addressing that behaviour in your partner?

Tbh once I've sat down since being home from holiday there's so many examples.of DP being rude to me. Not showing any sympathy or care yet expects.that of me which I do for her.

I'm not trying to come off harsh, I'm just explaining some examples. As said previously me and dsd have got on great. It's hard to explain but I did feel like it's was DP and dsd then me and.my DS were trailing behind and we were of less importantance and I know DP is the one leading that not DSD

OP posts:
SunRainStorm · 26/08/2023 04:37

11 year olds can be bratty, especially on holiday. I don't think you keeping a mental, let alone a physical tally of her transgressions is going to help your feelings towards her or be productive in any way. Focus on her good points, deal with bratty behaviour in the moment and then let it go. She's 11 - by definition her brain and personality are a work in progress.

You have a DP problem, that's what's bothering you. Your DP is making you feel 'less than'. She punishes you with silent treatment. Concentrate on that.

Do you want to be in this relationship? Would you and your son be happier without it? Have you attempted to blend your families too soon?

Ragwort · 26/08/2023 04:38

Are you sure you haven't posted about this situation before, it sounds so familiar ... the advice then was to split & (IIRC) you did split .. so why are you back together?

The whole situation sounds unhappy and now you say your DP can be 'moody and rude' ... so why are you staying with her, you are clearly not happy? It can't be a nice situation for your own DC. Maybe you are focussing on the DSD (who surely isn't really a step daughter - you don't live as a blended family) rather than accepting the fact that this relationship isn't right for you?

Summerwashout · 26/08/2023 07:16

@Ragwort.. So what if she had? She's allowed too isn't she?
Sometimes mn gives completely different advice on many sides of one issue and if she has and doesn't want to discloses this surely that's her perogative?

I've been on mn a long time and seen similar gf /partner posts quibbling over nonsense.

Summerwashout · 26/08/2023 07:20

Ragwort is right though op this situation isn't fair.

My dc play role play and one will say no your my servant!
I've heard dd friends say this to her she was ones dog all the time on a pretend lead!

The ice cream thing is utter nonsense, children get excited by food and a child forgetton her self in the face of her favourite ice-cream on holiday... Big deal.

Re listening in she probably feels massively insecure in her life and doesn't wants to feel some type control by tyring to listen to what adults are saying.

Ultimate non of this sounds positive and I think you should reframe the whole thing perhaps just don't go into holidays with each other, keep your relationship away from there children.

billy1966 · 26/08/2023 07:22

So you are in an abusive relationship and you are inflicting it on your son.

Your poor child.

Why are you allowing him to be exposed to this?

WtfHormones · 26/08/2023 07:23

Sorry but you're coming across self centred and unkind. She's a kid who presumably hasn't had a say in being on a blended holiday.

mum11970 · 26/08/2023 07:51

It’s certainly not normal 11 year old behaviour that we’ve experienced with our kids and we’ve brought up 5. Unfortunately the spoilt child behaviour has been learnt from her mother and is only likely to get worse as she hits her teens if her mother carries on indulging it but, from what you’ve gone on to say, the apple doesn’t seem to have fallen far from the tree. I would be thinking long and hard whether to carry on with this relationship, as things may get even bumpier when high school and teenage years come in to play. Whatever you do, do not move in with your dp.

mum11970 · 26/08/2023 08:17

WtfHormones · 26/08/2023 07:23

Sorry but you're coming across self centred and unkind. She's a kid who presumably hasn't had a say in being on a blended holiday.

Get out of it. It’s purely bad, bratty behaviour that needs addressing. Very few kids get a say on who they go on holiday with. My grand kids have spent pretty much the whole summer holidaying with all manner of family set ups you could imagine and an organised holiday without that kind of behaviour.

Pollyputhekettleon · 26/08/2023 08:17

BillaBongGirl · 25/08/2023 22:18

Nothing in the description to indicate anxiety and desire to know what was said except for asking her mum “relentlessly” until she gets a real answer that isn’t a rude brush off of “nothing”.

It’s you who are assuming that an 11yr old is manipulative and controlling when she’s literally a child in a difficult living situation created by the adults around her.

Show quote history

No, the only reason you are trying to interpret it as something other than manipulative and controlling is because you subscribe to a demented ideology that believes it's evil to think that children are capable of being motivated by that.

Pollyputhekettleon · 26/08/2023 08:25

Thanks for the update. It's great you don't share DS with her, you don't live together and you're not together that long. That makes it easier to break up, which is what you know you need to do. DSD is imitating her mother and it won't get better any time soon. This whole setup is bad for you but more importantly bad for your DS.

PixieLaLar · 26/08/2023 08:30

A few days ago, we were swimming and DP said to me its DSD world and we all just live in it.

Well that explains her bratty self entitled behaviour.

Pollyputhekettleon · 26/08/2023 08:30

KajsaKavat · 26/08/2023 02:26

You don’t come across well here AT ALL, you say she was territorial about the crisps , I 100% believe you are the territorial one here.
shw is a child who wants her dad back and you are a jealous new gf, u really hope your bf realised that you are not good for his daughter and takes sensible steps.

Show quote history

You literally didn't even read the OP well enough to realize DP is a woman. Why should he pay any attention to your opinion?

Pollyputhekettleon · 26/08/2023 08:35

PixieLaLar · 26/08/2023 08:30

A few days ago, we were swimming and DP said to me its DSD world and we all just live in it.

Well that explains her bratty self entitled behaviour.

Absolutely. A normal parent of an 11 year old saying something like that would be admitting there's a big problem, but this one is instead getting defensive and attacking him when OP suggests this is not healthy. She sounds very unassertive, both in her relationship with OP and with her daughter, hence the passive aggressive silent treatment etc.

Gatehouse77 · 26/08/2023 08:37

Sounds like your DP is confusing parenting with being her child’s friend and doesn’t want to upset her and deal with the consequences. If DSD knows that her mum will give in at some point then she’ll just keep going.

SunRainStorm · 26/08/2023 08:38

@Pollyputhekettleon

OP could be a woman, they haven't said. But you're right that DP is a woman.

Pollyputhekettleon · 26/08/2023 08:45

SunRainStorm · 26/08/2023 08:38

@Pollyputhekettleon

OP could be a woman, they haven't said. But you're right that DP is a woman.

I know. I had a conversation upthread about why I think OP is most likely a man and why comments are easier to follow if you do that. I also said I deliberately assumed so to annoy the political correctness police.

ChristmasFluff · 26/08/2023 08:45

I couldn't be with someone whose parenting was so different to mine. And no way on this earth would I be with any one who did the silent treatment.

It's been 4 years - it's not going to get better and will probably get worse - you do need to end this relationship.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 26/08/2023 08:46

OP you are getting down on a level with your SD. You are petty and nitpicking - seriously the follow up examples of the guestbook - who on EARTH cares if she writes in it twice or writes a lot? What had that got to do with what your own child put? - and your kids playing a game - you do know most kids want their own way when playing, and learning to negotiate that is part of what they learn whilst playing? - make you sound like you just hate her and are looking for anything to criticise her for. No wonder she is "earwigging" and wants to know what you're saying behind closed doors - she probably suspects, rightly, that you are slagging her off and trying to turn her mother against her. Because you are.

Seriously sounds like your relationship with her mother is shit too. So why not call it a day and get out of this child's life before your relentless dislike and negativity does her some real damage? She sounds exactly like a typically self-centred child in the middle of a difficult situation,being forced into family situations with an adult who dislikes her and takes every opportunity to find fault. I'd be acting up too.

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/08/2023 08:50

Your partner doesn't sound very nice at all actually. And yes, silent treatment is abusive. It's highly abusive when it goes on for a long time.

Pollyputhekettleon · 26/08/2023 08:51

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 26/08/2023 08:46

OP you are getting down on a level with your SD. You are petty and nitpicking - seriously the follow up examples of the guestbook - who on EARTH cares if she writes in it twice or writes a lot? What had that got to do with what your own child put? - and your kids playing a game - you do know most kids want their own way when playing, and learning to negotiate that is part of what they learn whilst playing? - make you sound like you just hate her and are looking for anything to criticise her for. No wonder she is "earwigging" and wants to know what you're saying behind closed doors - she probably suspects, rightly, that you are slagging her off and trying to turn her mother against her. Because you are.

Seriously sounds like your relationship with her mother is shit too. So why not call it a day and get out of this child's life before your relentless dislike and negativity does her some real damage? She sounds exactly like a typically self-centred child in the middle of a difficult situation,being forced into family situations with an adult who dislikes her and takes every opportunity to find fault. I'd be acting up too.

'A few days ago, we were swimming and DP said to me its DSD world and we all just live in it.'

If you think this is normal or healthy parenting, it's no wonder you think it's typical for an 11 year old to behave like this. This DSD has a far bigger problem than OP, and that's her own useless mother.

JMSA · 26/08/2023 08:52

The ice-cream example you picked is ridiculous. Jesus, it's a box of ice-creams and she's on holiday. Just let her have them.
Your partner must constantly feel torn in the middle, especially as you don't seem to know how to pick your battles.
Honestly, this stuff is why I remain a single parent.