DP daughter is challenging

[Lakes11]

Most of mine and DP arguments stem from her DD. She's 11 so I know hormones are playing a role and some of her behaviour is normal pre teen. However we have been on holiday since Monday and her behaviour has been shocking and damn right rude!
First day we went shopping for the 4 of us. We went to pick ice creams for us, she saw some that she loves. Flew the door open to the freezer and said I don't care about anyone else I'm having these and put them in the basket.
I was shocked and I said to DP I thought we were choosing as a family. She said we'll I've promised for ages she could have some. I said we'll it's not fair for her DD to get them to herself and not for DS to have any. Then DD huffed and threw them back and said fine I won't have them. DP let her have them in the end. Apparently according to DP it was my fault for bringing the rude attention up at that point in front of the children.
All holiday DP, DD has said I want to do this, I want this. Never consults anyone. Tonight I had some crisps. I saw her staring at me eating them. Once I put them down she grabbed them and ate all the rest.
She's massively defiant and will ignore me and DP. She will ask me something and if I say no then I can hear her asking DP. I have confronted this and she will be like oh I forget or oh I didn't hear you.
Her DD has to be centre of attention. The loudest and screaming to get people to look. Whenever her mum is around she will be so sweet and polite but when she's not within earshot she's cheeky and rude to me. She thinks she's an adult and tries to include herself in adult decisions, if me and DP are talking she will constantly ask what we said. If I say nothing she will ask DP relentlessly. She sometimes says she gives us permission or will allow us to do this or that. I've told her we don't need permission from her.

I've just had enough. I feel DP enables this behaviour. She tells her off sometimes but let's things slip other times. I'd she's told off she will resort to crocodile tears to DP and a baby voice.
Tbh it's driving me crazy.
It's been ages since she's been this way. I thought all had settled with her. Things were like this about 6 months ago and I finally thought all was good and had built a good bond between me and Dsd but she's reverted back now.
I don't know what to do

It's the kind of joke parents make. Are you not a parent? She's not literally saying that's the case, or if she does she wants committing as it literally can't be anyone's "world". It's like when people talk about people being the slave of their cat. It's a joke. Anyone who would take that seriously is way too uptight to survive parenting, a relationship, or life in general frankly.

It does sound like the SD's mum is a bit indulgent. She's an only child to a single mother who's father has never been a part of their family setup, I imagine they're very bonded and it's easy to spoil your child when you only have one of them - I know I did, simply because I had the resources of time and no competition so in most things DD could have her way with no harm done to anyone else. They'll be some adapting when entering a new family situation, she'll have to learn to share her mother, resources and (child level) decisions like which ice cream to have and it will take some adjustment. That's normal!

However OP is the wrong person for the mum to be starting that process with as she so clearly dislikes the child. There's no affection there, and this there's no possibility of a family shaking down together.

Absolutely all of this! I think trying to understand why the 11 year old is behaving this way and working hard to build a good relationship with her is the best way to proceed. If it was your biological child you would work hard to get to the root cause of the behaviour and solve the issues. If you're not prepared to do that then the step parent relationship is doomed to failure.

It's kind of bizarre that in one paragraph you just know it was a joke and in the second you admit se sounds 'a bit indulgent' (nice understatement). You then explain exactly why the mother probably ended up spoiling her so badly. Do you even notice the problem with that?

And by the way, people often say things that are kind of joking and kind of not. Especially when it's something that's obviously been the subject of major rows between her and her partner, this is not some lighthearted subject in this family. People can admit things in a 'jokey' way that they otherwise would furiously deny. This mother knows she's spoiled her daughter.

OP actually sounds like he liked DSD previously, he says they got along well. It's perfectly fine though to dislike a child who, as you admit, has been spoiled. I'm sure she's not horribly behaved all the time, there's a decent little human in there underneath it all, and he knows her behaviour is the result of her mother's parenting, so it's most likely he has mixed feelings about her. It would be good for DSD if her mother took OP's parenting advice, whether they stay together or not.

"She sounds horrible"?!

No she doesn't. She sounds like a child on the verge of the teen years. Which she is.

Seriously the silly nitpicking over the ice cream, crisps and yearbook is absolutely pathetic. Break up OP because you seriously dislike this child. Your OH must be sick and tired on you jumping in every silly, normal thing she does.

Poor kid, so her dad was never with her mum and was with someone else before you? her upbringing has not been the most stable, she's acting out, lean in to her rather than resist her and don't argue about icecream and crisps

Some of you have deeply weird beliefs about what teenager and preteens are like. I don't know where this is coming from, but it would explain a lot about the state of mental health among teenagers these days. If large numbers of people believe this is simply a normal response to hormonal changes then they're probably responding just as this mother does and indulging it.

There's also a very weird pattern that some of you focus on 'defending' the child from random posts on the internet which she'll never see, and completely and utterly ignoring what we're told about the mother's parenting, and now her behaviour to the OP also. Is the mother a protected species or something?

Interesting how you can instantly tell from the OP's very one-sided post, in which she details the child's hideous crimes of "choosing some ice creams", "writing excessively in a guest book", "being bossy to a younger child joining her game" and "being a bit nosy and trying to join in with the adults conversations", that this child has massive behavioural problems rather than just being a bit "main character" as is pretty normal for her age group. Anyway I was talking to the OP not you, you are a sideshow. Carry on.

Just leave this whole relationship. It isn't good for any of you.

I did a post a few pages in setting out exactly what she did which was unacceptable bad behaviour and normal for a 3 year old rather than an 11 year old. I appreciate some of you just landed and can't be arsed to read the thread, but it's very tedious to repeat myself so I won't.

Some of what you describe is normal behaviour that I would classify as sibling rivalry. My kids don't have step or half siblings but my dd would have done the guest book thing and fished for compliments about her handwriting being better than her brother's. I would see a lot of her behaviour as a sign of insecurity of her place in the family. Seeing the world as her world is far from unusual for kids her age too.
Whilst I agree that a lot of the issues that you and your son face are a result of your partner being soft (would she accept the same from your son?) , sd isn't unreasonable to push boundaries in her favour when she knows that she'll probably get what she wants. This is basic human nature.
Your job is to protect your son and consider how much contact he should have with sd. Sibling relationships are complex never mind half sibling relationships.

Jesus some of these replies ! It’s not normal for an 11 year old to be a complete brat no, she sounds awful. I’ve raised 2 kids past this age and neither acted this way ever. I couldn’t be arsed to be around a kid like that I would leave if your partner doesn’t sort her out she will be a nightmare teen!

Well yes, operatively you've raised 2. So they're siblings, they rub each others' corners off, they get used to not being the focus. It's different being the only child of one parent. This girl is adapting from that to suddenly having a ready made sibling (without even the tiny non-moving baby but to get used to it) and another adult who has suddenly started saying the way she and her mum have always done things, presumably because it worked for both of them, is no longer ok - it's a LOT, and she's 11 - she's not going to just get it immediately, she's going to struggle.

I think people underestimate how difficult it is for kids to blend families. The eternal assumption is that if the parents are happy, the kids should be too - but it doesn't follow. And in this case it doesn't even sound like the parents' relationship is even strong, so of course the kid will be acting up!

Basically she's been jammed into a dysfunctional situation and is expected to deal with it better than either adult is - get real!

I felt my stress level rising just reading this.
Some kids are rude, they are kids, they are still learning about social interactions and relationships and it is our job to gently correct them.
I suspect the kid has been through a lot in her short life, for years she had her mum to herself and now she's got to share her with someone who sidelines her, and excludes her, re the "private conversation" wow! I've raised 3DC and if I ever need to have a word in private with their Dad then we make sure they absolutely won't find us whispering in a corner. She must feel very insecure.
Also, unbelievable that PP are diagnosing an 11year old with a personality disorder.
My advice would be that you need to try and look at the reasons why she is acting like this and try to see things from her angle.

On the one hand you admit she's 'acting up' and on the other you take huge offence at someone saying she's a brat? You're just using a euphemism to say the same thing.

Why she's a brat is a separate question. Yes everyone knows blending families can be hard. And one of the ways some parents react to it is by indulging and spoiling their child to make up for the stress that the parent's relationship decision has caused them. Obviously that's a dysfunctional and lazy way to respond. As is sulking and giving your partner the silent treatment when he tries to point this out.

No one is condemning the child as evilly evil and irredeemable. She is what she is right now and it's not her fault. No it's not inevitable that a child will react like this to a difficult blending family situation. She's reacting as she is because of how her mother has parented her through it. And that includes her mother's failure to either resolve this conflict about parenting with the OP, which will be affecting the child too, or end the relationship with him if it can't be resolved.

What is her diet like? It sounds like you just eat crisps and ice cream as normal course of business. Sugary junk affects mood because of sugar crashes and it affects the gut which also leads to poor mental health.

Is her behaviour better on days she is fed properly? Might be something to monitor for.

And why would you not offer the crisps to the kid first?, if there was one packet of crisps, I would ask kids present if they wanted them before scoffing them myself, crisps are more kid food anyway

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Yes we've all heard what you think. I don't see how it can simultaneously be "not her fault" AND "she's a brat". She's behaving the way she is because she's in a shitty situation, not because she IS inherently a nasty child. "Brat" us what you say she IS; acting up is what she's DOING, for totally obvious and explicable reasons that wong be undone by her mother taking the side of the new partner who dislikes the kid against her DD.

It's not *euphemism " it's a very important distinction that avoids monstering a CHILD who has been put in a very difficult situation.

I can't imagine sitting there munching a bag a crisps by myself while a child watched without offering them some. Such awkward behaviour.

It's a snack and they're all on holiday- just tip them into a bowl and share.

OP seems to be getting into a power struggle over the smallest things with a child who has had no choice in her less than ideal circumstances.

I agree with PPs, there needs to be more empathy for the child's situation. She's been an only child of a single parent her whole life. She is used to choosing the ice creams! There's been no one to debate ice cream choices with- ever. Extrapolate that to every minor decision in her life. And now you're expecting her to suddenly be graciously thinking of and considering your DS's needs as well. That's brand new to her- and a massive step down from the control she had before. Of course she will struggle and resist that. Especially when she gets fuck all say in the big decisions- whether her mother has a partner, let alone a partner who brings another child into the mix, let alone a partner who resents her and mentally lists all her faults following a holiday.

Let her have a little control over the small things that don't matter. You're the adult- you have all the real power over big things.

I agree! My first thought was that this child probably feels very insecure. Although starting a life with a new partner and having a child are welcome, joyous occasions in an adults life, from the child's perspective that is an awful lot of change to process!

It’s quite obvious the issue is not about her choosing which ice cream she wanted,
it’s her just helping herself
and saying “I don't care about anyone else I'm having these” putting them in the basket and then her Mum just allowing this.

Sounds like the classic non parenting ‘parenting’ which has created a brat,
you see it all the time sadly. Whether it’s from laziness or guilt she isn’t doing her child any favours. It’s quite sad really.

Maybe you should rethink your relationship with your parrner?

The mother had already promised her that type of ice cream. They went to the shop and she put them in the basket.

I guess you could nitpick the way she worded it in the shop, but it sounds like there are bigger fish to fry in relation to this child. It's a valid parenting choice to let something like that go through to the keeper. Especially for a child who is going through a lot. It's not fair on her to be constantly criticised- sometimes we need to pick our battles.

OP should have just bought her son the ice cream he wanted instead of attempting to parent someone else's child in front of them.

But ultimately these two sound ill matched, and different parenting styles are just one aspect of that.

DP already knows she's extremely sensitive to sugar so I was surprised that she was allowed so much. However I didn't butt in on her decision making as it's her daughter and I'm not going to say if she can have sweets or not.

I get everyone's points. I don't hate dsd it's just been a lot to deal with this week. I feel most sorry for my DS who's been side tracked and had different rules. Who she has bossed around by her and made to feel bad by both my DP and dsd. People are right it's not ok behaviour. I don't know why I've been putting up with jt because tbh this is not the first instance but it's been the worst. I've been unhappy with DP behaviour for a while now and it's getting worse and i don't want DS to witness this and think it's ok because its not.

Thank you it's exactly this. And I know it comes from guilt because DP often puts her work first and has told me numerous times she feels guilty. She's even admitted she knows she's a bit soft because she feels guilty. DSd does see her dad but DP feels guilty because he never takes dsd on holiday or out anywhere but my DS gets to go away etc.
However I can't control that guilt and I don't think it's fair for that guilt to be taken out on me or DS