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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP daughter is challenging

181 replies

Lakes11 · 24/08/2023 22:04

Most of mine and DP arguments stem from her DD. She's 11 so I know hormones are playing a role and some of her behaviour is normal pre teen. However we have been on holiday since Monday and her behaviour has been shocking and damn right rude!
First day we went shopping for the 4 of us. We went to pick ice creams for us, she saw some that she loves. Flew the door open to the freezer and said I don't care about anyone else I'm having these and put them in the basket.
I was shocked and I said to DP I thought we were choosing as a family. She said we'll I've promised for ages she could have some. I said we'll it's not fair for her DD to get them to herself and not for DS to have any. Then DD huffed and threw them back and said fine I won't have them. DP let her have them in the end. Apparently according to DP it was my fault for bringing the rude attention up at that point in front of the children.
All holiday DP, DD has said I want to do this, I want this. Never consults anyone. Tonight I had some crisps. I saw her staring at me eating them. Once I put them down she grabbed them and ate all the rest.
She's massively defiant and will ignore me and DP. She will ask me something and if I say no then I can hear her asking DP. I have confronted this and she will be like oh I forget or oh I didn't hear you.
Her DD has to be centre of attention. The loudest and screaming to get people to look. Whenever her mum is around she will be so sweet and polite but when she's not within earshot she's cheeky and rude to me. She thinks she's an adult and tries to include herself in adult decisions, if me and DP are talking she will constantly ask what we said. If I say nothing she will ask DP relentlessly. She sometimes says she gives us permission or will allow us to do this or that. I've told her we don't need permission from her.

I've just had enough. I feel DP enables this behaviour. She tells her off sometimes but let's things slip other times. I'd she's told off she will resort to crocodile tears to DP and a baby voice.
Tbh it's driving me crazy.
It's been ages since she's been this way. I thought all had settled with her. Things were like this about 6 months ago and I finally thought all was good and had built a good bond between me and Dsd but she's reverted back now.
I don't know what to do

OP posts:
2weekstowait · 25/08/2023 11:24

Sounds fairly normal grumpy adolescent behaviour to me. It's not plain sailing that's for sure! How long have you been with your partner? Perhaps your partner is not used to accommodating other people in decisions she makes for her own daughter? Regarding ice creams - it's not unreasonable to decide as a family if you're buying a box, it's much cheaper obviously.

Seaweed42 · 25/08/2023 11:31

How are things going for her in her Mum's house?
Is she starting a new school in a few weeks or something changes?

Sometimes that's a reason why a child seems to regress back to their babyish ways for a while.
Because they feel insecure, they become more controlling and seek more reassurance that their needs can be met.

That decisions that affect them won't be taken by someone else without their say so.

edwinbear · 25/08/2023 11:37

I can't get over the fact you begrudge her a pack of ice creams she's been promised for ages, whilst on holiday. Just buy two packs of ice creams. She sounds like a typical 11y old to me, but it's clear you really don't like her at all.

knobkopf · 25/08/2023 11:48

I was shocked and I said to DP I thought we were choosing as a family. She said we'll I've promised for ages she could have some. I said we'll it's not fair for her DD to get them to herself and not for DS to have any

I don't understand this ice cream thing. You've posted later confirming that it was because you were buying a box for everyone to share.
I don't understand why DD would get them to herself and DS not have any?? Surely, even if she chose, everyone would share the box of ice creams.
And why not just buy a second box.

But I do think her behaviour in general is rude and there needs to be a serious discussion with DP - he needs to have strategies in place to manage her behaviour better and then you should support these strategies. But it's his place as her father to manage her behaviour - you shouldn't have to be coming up with ideas to deal with it.
She's acting up for some reason and he needs to get to the bottom of what is going on with her - anxious about a new school, feeling uncomfortable in the current family set up, some issue at her mums, struggling with puberty etc

billy1966 · 25/08/2023 11:53

edwinbear · 25/08/2023 11:37

I can't get over the fact you begrudge her a pack of ice creams she's been promised for ages, whilst on holiday. Just buy two packs of ice creams. She sounds like a typical 11y old to me, but it's clear you really don't like her at all.

I agree with this.

She was promised the ice cream which is very different from the other behaviour.

LarryandLeon · 25/08/2023 12:26

I’m not sure why people are continuing to bother replying. OP clearly can’t be bothered to engage with the thread!

KezzaMucklowe · 25/08/2023 12:30

To be fair op might be doing something nice on holiday.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 25/08/2023 12:33

You're overreacting.

The ice creams - she's a kid on holiday and was excited.

The crisps - she wanted crisps and waited until you seemed done.

The screaming - not good. This should be told off.

Asking about conversations - normal. What are you discussing in front of her that can't be discussed with her??

The permission - she's 11 don't take her too seriously. Just joke back like 'oh thank you your lady ship'.

Saying what she wants to do - she's just expressing what she wants to do. You can say 'why don't we do x as a family'.

Ponoka7 · 25/08/2023 12:35

I was in an abusive relationship. There was an incident over crisps. I was happy to buy my DD a whole pack of 6/12. They were just for her, it didn't affect anyone else's choice etc, but he tried to have a go at her over it. This all sounds usual for a girl of her age. She's developing into a young woman and tbh it doesn't sound as though you are cut out to be a SP to a tween girl.

Ponoka7 · 25/08/2023 12:59

knobkopf · 25/08/2023 11:48

I was shocked and I said to DP I thought we were choosing as a family. She said we'll I've promised for ages she could have some. I said we'll it's not fair for her DD to get them to herself and not for DS to have any

I don't understand this ice cream thing. You've posted later confirming that it was because you were buying a box for everyone to share.
I don't understand why DD would get them to herself and DS not have any?? Surely, even if she chose, everyone would share the box of ice creams.
And why not just buy a second box.

But I do think her behaviour in general is rude and there needs to be a serious discussion with DP - he needs to have strategies in place to manage her behaviour better and then you should support these strategies. But it's his place as her father to manage her behaviour - you shouldn't have to be coming up with ideas to deal with it.
She's acting up for some reason and he needs to get to the bottom of what is going on with her - anxious about a new school, feeling uncomfortable in the current family set up, some issue at her mums, struggling with puberty etc

The DP is female, so the girl's Mum. The OP hasn't stated their sex.

Pollyputhekettleon · 25/08/2023 13:11

TheWayoftheLeaf · 25/08/2023 12:33

You're overreacting.

The ice creams - she's a kid on holiday and was excited.

The crisps - she wanted crisps and waited until you seemed done.

The screaming - not good. This should be told off.

Asking about conversations - normal. What are you discussing in front of her that can't be discussed with her??

The permission - she's 11 don't take her too seriously. Just joke back like 'oh thank you your lady ship'.

Saying what she wants to do - she's just expressing what she wants to do. You can say 'why don't we do x as a family'.

If you're going to list every behaviour from the OP then list them all. You've picked and chosen what suited you.

It's actually not acceptable to decide someone else 'seems done' with their food and therefore take and eat it without asking. That's the attitude of a 2 year old. Even if some families have their own quirky attitudes to food sharing, they should be teaching their child how the rest of the world behaves with other people's food. Imagine how her friends would react to it? And this is her mother's DP, who she should be treating with at least the same respect you would expect an 11 year old to show to their friends.

She's not simply 'asking about conversations' .This is what he said:

'she will constantly ask what we said. If I say nothing she will ask DP relentlessly.'

Why are people so fixated on ignoring chunks of what he's said and minimizing everything they can?

SunRainStorm · 25/08/2023 13:14

I find it strange that you sat there eating crisps in front of her and didn't offer her any.

Why promise her ice cream and then begrudge her ice cream?

Screaming isn't on, but her parent should deal with it.

It's normal for a child to ask what adults are talking about. Don't reply 'nothing' - it's obviously not 'nothing'. If it's not something that should be shared with children then save that conversation for when she isn't around.

You sound like you resent her. How long have you been with her mother?

AnIndianWoman · 25/08/2023 13:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Pollyputhekettleon · 25/08/2023 13:23

SunRainStorm · 25/08/2023 13:14

I find it strange that you sat there eating crisps in front of her and didn't offer her any.

Why promise her ice cream and then begrudge her ice cream?

Screaming isn't on, but her parent should deal with it.

It's normal for a child to ask what adults are talking about. Don't reply 'nothing' - it's obviously not 'nothing'. If it's not something that should be shared with children then save that conversation for when she isn't around.

You sound like you resent her. How long have you been with her mother?

It's normal in most families for people to eat food without offering some to everyone. It's not normal at 11 to grab someone else's half finished food and eat it without permission. By your logic 2 year olds should be allowed to grab all the food they like if the offender failed to offer them some.

His entire point is indeed that her parent should deal with the screaming.

As I unfortunately just had to post above, she's not merely 'asking what adults are talking about.' I don't know why so many people refuse to read. Here's what he said, again:

'she will constantly ask what we said. If I say nothing she will ask DP relentlessly.'

gamerchick · 25/08/2023 13:35

Sounds like this is a child who isn't getting some of her needs met. It also sounds like you're a bit unbending and too strict with her and she's in some sort of competition with you over her mother.

They sense resentment from adults bairns do.

BillaBongGirl · 25/08/2023 18:16

“As I unfortunately just had to post above, she's not merely 'asking what adults are talking about.' I don't know why so many people refuse to read. Here's what he said, again:

'she will constantly ask what we said. If I say nothing she will ask DP relentlessly.

Ill bite. Because when a child asks what is being said and you answer “nothing” that is a rude response that also smacks of hiding a secret. So the child is then basically told shut up, and then goes off anxious and worried about what was said? If it they were talking about nothing, then why not share it? So it must have been something? And if so, then what? What is being kept from me?

Pollyputhekettleon · 25/08/2023 20:21

BillaBongGirl · 25/08/2023 18:16

“As I unfortunately just had to post above, she's not merely 'asking what adults are talking about.' I don't know why so many people refuse to read. Here's what he said, again:

'she will constantly ask what we said. If I say nothing she will ask DP relentlessly.

Ill bite. Because when a child asks what is being said and you answer “nothing” that is a rude response that also smacks of hiding a secret. So the child is then basically told shut up, and then goes off anxious and worried about what was said? If it they were talking about nothing, then why not share it? So it must have been something? And if so, then what? What is being kept from me?

Of course you're assuming she's motivated by anxiety and worry. That's a completely unreasonable assumption. Nothing whatsoever in his description of her makes it sound like this is a child suffering from anxiety or worry. This is a pissed off child who hates her mother's DP, who manipulates and controls her mother and the 'constant' and 'relentless' demands in conversation are simply part of the same dynamic.

Original poster
Lakes11 · 25/08/2023 22:10

Sorry for not getting back sooner, didn't have a moment to read and reply. Just got back off holiday. So to answer the questions:

Me and DP do not live together and have been together 4 years. I've know DSD 3 years.
Me and DP don't share any children. DS is my child and is younger the DSD by a few years.
The ice cream situation as stated it was a multipack for the holiday home. I'm absolutely fine with choosing a couple different ones for people as we might not all enjoy one. It's the fact she flung open the door, grabbed them and shouted "I don't care about other people, I'm having these" without a discussion. DP must have promised her them back home which I was not aware of until she then said it in the shop but DP completely dismissed the rude behaviour at the time. I just picked this one example at the time. There are many many different ones.

The crisps situation, I didn't offer because I'd barely had a look in because DSD had already eaten the majority of them so I decided to have some. It's like she was territorial of them even though the food was for everyone.

Other examples of the past few days were DP and DSD wrote in the guest book. DS wanted to write a little thank you too so he did so this morning. DSD saw he had done this and then proceeded to wrote something else in the book straight after him and much longer even though she had already done this.
DS and DSD were playing an imaginary game. DSD was the queen and my DS asked to be the king she told him no absolutely not you have to be my servant.

With the butting in with adult conversations. Often me and DP will be discussing something in another room and DSD will be earwigging, come in and ask questions even though its a private conversation.

A few days ago, we were swimming and DP said to me its DSD world and we all just live in it. Which is true, it is. But no matter if I speak up or not DP wont have it. She will stick up for DSD or say I have a problem. Me and DSD have always got on well even in her previous testing times. I've praised her, supported her, watched her hobbies, cheered her on etc. But this behaviour on this holiday has been another level.

We went away 4 weeks ago for 3 nights and she was no where near this bad.

I know ultimately I have a DP problem because DP can also be rude to me at times. Get in moods with me and give me the silent treatment etc. So perhaps DSD is modelling this, I dont know.

OP posts:
BillaBongGirl · 25/08/2023 22:18

Pollyputhekettleon · 25/08/2023 20:21

Of course you're assuming she's motivated by anxiety and worry. That's a completely unreasonable assumption. Nothing whatsoever in his description of her makes it sound like this is a child suffering from anxiety or worry. This is a pissed off child who hates her mother's DP, who manipulates and controls her mother and the 'constant' and 'relentless' demands in conversation are simply part of the same dynamic.

Show quote history

Nothing in the description to indicate anxiety and desire to know what was said except for asking her mum “relentlessly” until she gets a real answer that isn’t a rude brush off of “nothing”.

It’s you who are assuming that an 11yr old is manipulative and controlling when she’s literally a child in a difficult living situation created by the adults around her.

Notmytotoro · 25/08/2023 22:27

Picking ice creams as a family? LOL. All my children pick different ice creams ( you know, different people like different things!) And that's fine.

Original poster
Lakes11 · 25/08/2023 22:42

Notmytotoro · 25/08/2023 22:27

Picking ice creams as a family? LOL. All my children pick different ice creams ( you know, different people like different things!) And that's fine.

I've just updated. It wasn't really about the ice cream. More the attitude and outwardly saying she didn't care about anyone else.

OP posts:
SunRainStorm · 25/08/2023 23:17

Honestly OP, you sound territorial TBH. What does it matter if an 11 year old wants to write something long in a guest book? You're the one monitoring everyone's crisp intake. Presumably they were for everyone, why not put them in a bowl and let everyone share rather than wait angrily for your turn of a bag?

Wanting to know what adults are talking about is normal 11 year old behaviour. Don't say 'nothing', she isn't stupid. Say 'it was a private conversation' and leave it there. If she badgers DP leave them to it.

The ice cream thing is rude, she was told it was so. She put the ice creams back. 11 year olds are bratty and annoying sometimes. Why do you take it personally?

I think YABU about your DSD.

But your bigger problem is in your update. Your partner is rude and emotionally abusive towards you. That's not ok. What are you doing to address that?

Do you think maybe you deflect onto the 11 year old for 'rude' and 'selfish' behaviour because it's easier or more manageable than addressing that behaviour in your partner?

Canisaysomething · 25/08/2023 23:29

I know ultimately I have a DP problem because DP can also be rude to me at times. Get in moods with me and give me the silent treatment etc. So perhaps DSD is modelling this, I dont know.

You've hit the nail on the head.
Silent treatment is not normal it's abusive.

momonpurpose · 25/08/2023 23:30

SunRainStorm · 25/08/2023 23:17

Honestly OP, you sound territorial TBH. What does it matter if an 11 year old wants to write something long in a guest book? You're the one monitoring everyone's crisp intake. Presumably they were for everyone, why not put them in a bowl and let everyone share rather than wait angrily for your turn of a bag?

Wanting to know what adults are talking about is normal 11 year old behaviour. Don't say 'nothing', she isn't stupid. Say 'it was a private conversation' and leave it there. If she badgers DP leave them to it.

The ice cream thing is rude, she was told it was so. She put the ice creams back. 11 year olds are bratty and annoying sometimes. Why do you take it personally?

I think YABU about your DSD.

But your bigger problem is in your update. Your partner is rude and emotionally abusive towards you. That's not ok. What are you doing to address that?

Do you think maybe you deflect onto the 11 year old for 'rude' and 'selfish' behaviour because it's easier or more manageable than addressing that behaviour in your partner?

I think SunRainStorm is on to something. It does not sound at all like a good relationship and zero chance of long-term.

Fifireee · 25/08/2023 23:57

She sounds normal. I would have laughed it all off and called her cheeky.
I think you need to be kinder. She's a kid dealing with divorce. Give the kid a break. The language you use to describe her shows no kindness or understanding. She has to share her daddy with another person. She has every reason to be angry and frustrated.