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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP daughter is challenging

181 replies

Lakes11 · 24/08/2023 22:04

Most of mine and DP arguments stem from her DD. She's 11 so I know hormones are playing a role and some of her behaviour is normal pre teen. However we have been on holiday since Monday and her behaviour has been shocking and damn right rude!
First day we went shopping for the 4 of us. We went to pick ice creams for us, she saw some that she loves. Flew the door open to the freezer and said I don't care about anyone else I'm having these and put them in the basket.
I was shocked and I said to DP I thought we were choosing as a family. She said we'll I've promised for ages she could have some. I said we'll it's not fair for her DD to get them to herself and not for DS to have any. Then DD huffed and threw them back and said fine I won't have them. DP let her have them in the end. Apparently according to DP it was my fault for bringing the rude attention up at that point in front of the children.
All holiday DP, DD has said I want to do this, I want this. Never consults anyone. Tonight I had some crisps. I saw her staring at me eating them. Once I put them down she grabbed them and ate all the rest.
She's massively defiant and will ignore me and DP. She will ask me something and if I say no then I can hear her asking DP. I have confronted this and she will be like oh I forget or oh I didn't hear you.
Her DD has to be centre of attention. The loudest and screaming to get people to look. Whenever her mum is around she will be so sweet and polite but when she's not within earshot she's cheeky and rude to me. She thinks she's an adult and tries to include herself in adult decisions, if me and DP are talking she will constantly ask what we said. If I say nothing she will ask DP relentlessly. She sometimes says she gives us permission or will allow us to do this or that. I've told her we don't need permission from her.

I've just had enough. I feel DP enables this behaviour. She tells her off sometimes but let's things slip other times. I'd she's told off she will resort to crocodile tears to DP and a baby voice.
Tbh it's driving me crazy.
It's been ages since she's been this way. I thought all had settled with her. Things were like this about 6 months ago and I finally thought all was good and had built a good bond between me and Dsd but she's reverted back now.
I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Seddon · 25/08/2023 03:25

GameOverBoys · 24/08/2023 22:42

It relentless and aggravating to constantly remind them of their manners and encourage them to think of others. But that the job of parenting an 11 year old. Much easier, in many ways, than a small child but tougher in other ways. She sounds 100% normal.

Yes! None of what you have described is ideal but it's not abnormal either. It's appropriate to talk to her about the behaviour but it's a long game, don't expect her to change overnight. Whatever circumstances that led her to be living with only 1 of her parents, and now sharing her life with another adult and (unrelated?) sibling, are likely to have made her a bit less secure and a bit more attention seeking than your average kid.

billy1966 · 25/08/2023 03:26

It isn't working.

Put your child first and stop inflicting this other child on him.

Her behaviour is NOT normal behaviour for an 11 year old.

Clearly there are different parenting styles but my sympathy is with your poor child being dragged on a holiday with people like this.

WaitingfortheTardis · 25/08/2023 03:35

I know a fair few 11 year old and this really doesn't sound that unusual, it is a difficult age. I also think you turned the ice cream thing into a drama, it didn't have to be.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/08/2023 03:35

Her behaviour is NOT normal behaviour for an 11 year old.

Of course it is. An 11 yo who isn't kindly given boundaries. For example, she grabs the ice creams, puts them in the basked, says she's having them.

In OP's world, she turns to DP and PA says, "I thought we were choosing as a family".

In my world I'd turn to her and say, "that's one very clear vote for rockets, good point well made DD. OK everyone else, what's your vote for?!". And see what happens. Maybe she gets the votes. Maybe she doesn't. But it's learning.

And that's one of a thousand possible solutions if you wanted to bring her along rather than judging her.

PeopleAreWeird · 25/08/2023 03:54

Your on holiday.
Let her chose icecreams and your son chose some. Whats the big deal?

And she was staring at you eating a bag of crisps? You didnt offer her a packet?

billy1966 · 25/08/2023 04:03

The ice cream incident isn't the main issue, yet it is what posters are referring to.

IMO it is all the other behaviour that isn't addressed.

Clearly they have very different standards of behaviour and IMO, that is not normal behaviour.

It's the behaviour of a PITA 11 year old with poor parenting, who is used to getting her own way, with poor boundaries.

That's on the OP's partner.

Inflicting a holiday like this on her son doesn't sound like much fun to me.

Toddlerteaplease · 25/08/2023 04:15

Not sure what the issue with the Ice cream is?

Sayitaintso33 · 25/08/2023 05:41

Grabbing and thinking only of herself. Throwing her weight around. Lying, not when in trouble but in a calculated pre-meditated way to get what she wants. Sweetness and light when she gets what she wants, a nightmare when she doesn't.
That's not great.
It is hard enough to deal with such behaviour from your own children but from step children it must be impossible.
Sorry I can't help OP, but I do feel for you.

WandaWonder · 25/08/2023 05:48

Toddlerteaplease · 25/08/2023 04:15

Not sure what the issue with the Ice cream is?

I was going to ask as well, if individual people choose their own don't they?

I can't work out if he behaviour came first or in reaction to you

My child whinged a bit at 11 but nothing stood out from memory about what is in the op but as long as they weren't annoying there was no expectations really so don't remember needing to have long interactions around behaviour

Pollyputhekettleon · 25/08/2023 07:41

KingOfThieves · 24/08/2023 23:24

I’d barely bat an eye lid at this but context matters. My DC could have said the same about ice creams but they have very tongue in cheek humour, just like me. Same with nabbing crisps. The best response is to usually call it out at the time but take it all with a pinch of salt.

If those were the only two things she did that might be a reasonable response. They're not though.

Pollyputhekettleon · 25/08/2023 07:43

OhcantthInkofaname · 25/08/2023 03:18

Well Polly you were right. They jumped on the ice cream...

Unfortunately yes! Partly it's because it was so early on in the post and people lose concentration fairly quickly. Partly because it was a story and people remember stories better than lists.

BethDuttonsTwin · 25/08/2023 07:45

You were silly and petty over the ice creams tbh. Not surprised people are getting hung up on that.

Have to say she sounds fairly typical for a girl her age, just starting puberty etc. My own dd was often an overwrought, seemingly spoilt and overly emotional PITA between the ages of 10 & 14. Shes 16 and mostly utterly gorgeous now.

stickygotstuck · 25/08/2023 08:13

This won't help the OP, but I'm amazed at the amount of people saying this is or isn't normal.

Not all 11 year olds are the same.

Children develop at different rates, as everybody knows. For instance, all the stuff some PPs say is typical of 3 year olds I've never seen in my 3 yo DC. But I wouldn't say it's not normal in other 3 year olds.

Correctly parented, I bet this 11 year old will be a dream when she's 14, when all the other 14 year olds start being nightmares. I've seen it with my own eyes. (Then, when other parents wring their hands about their 14 year olds' behaviour, OP will think 'oh dear, that's not normal, DSD does not behave like that'. Hopefully!)

GoldenSpangles · 25/08/2023 08:20

Who knows what was "reasonable" or not about the ice cream. The thing though is regardless of who is right, you don't like the family set up your partner has with her daughter. You're entitled to that view and you want something else. I just don't think you are compatible.

Pollyputhekettleon · 25/08/2023 08:20

stickygotstuck · 25/08/2023 08:13

This won't help the OP, but I'm amazed at the amount of people saying this is or isn't normal.

Not all 11 year olds are the same.

Children develop at different rates, as everybody knows. For instance, all the stuff some PPs say is typical of 3 year olds I've never seen in my 3 yo DC. But I wouldn't say it's not normal in other 3 year olds.

Correctly parented, I bet this 11 year old will be a dream when she's 14, when all the other 14 year olds start being nightmares. I've seen it with my own eyes. (Then, when other parents wring their hands about their 14 year olds' behaviour, OP will think 'oh dear, that's not normal, DSD does not behave like that'. Hopefully!)

That doesn't make any sense. Not al 3 year olds are the same either. But tantrums are normal for a 3 year old and everyone knows what we mean by that.

Anyway, the point of the OP is he thinks that she's not being correctly parented, at all. He thinks his DP's parenting is what's causing her bad behaviour. We don't know if he's right or wrong because he's given so little information and not bothered to come back. But hoping she grows out of it with correct parenting is kind of missing the point.

Pollyputhekettleon · 25/08/2023 08:22

GoldenSpangles · 25/08/2023 08:20

Who knows what was "reasonable" or not about the ice cream. The thing though is regardless of who is right, you don't like the family set up your partner has with her daughter. You're entitled to that view and you want something else. I just don't think you are compatible.

He seems to share a DS with this woman, so it's not as simple as just deciding he's not compatible. He has to at least attempt to sort it out.

Roselilly36 · 25/08/2023 08:27

She is 11, there will be many more years of this OP.

stickygotstuck · 25/08/2023 08:30

Pollyputhekettleon · 25/08/2023 08:20

That doesn't make any sense. Not al 3 year olds are the same either. But tantrums are normal for a 3 year old and everyone knows what we mean by that.

Anyway, the point of the OP is he thinks that she's not being correctly parented, at all. He thinks his DP's parenting is what's causing her bad behaviour. We don't know if he's right or wrong because he's given so little information and not bothered to come back. But hoping she grows out of it with correct parenting is kind of missing the point.

Show quote history

That's exactly what I said about 3 year olds. It was an example of not all being the same.

But yes, better parenting so she grows out of it is precisely the point, isn't it? Trying to improve things? Or what do you suggest instead?

(Disclaimer, I'm not particularly invested since, as you say, OP hasn't come back)

Sunshineboo · 25/08/2023 08:37

As someone who was a stepchild who irritated my step parent with just breathing, this is the start of the OP resenting step daughter for the rest of her life. And her stepdaughter picking this up and impacting her

Everything you've said, is very normal behaviour, albeit a little bit selfish.

being a stepparent is complicated, especially when you have your own child. I wish people thought about it very carefully, though, as the relationship between a step parent and the child can be immensely impactful.

I'm mid-40s now, and I still spend my life, trying to please people, and being fearful of my innate, irritating personality. This is directly down to my step parent.

Pollyputhekettleon · 25/08/2023 09:04

Sunshineboo · 25/08/2023 08:37

As someone who was a stepchild who irritated my step parent with just breathing, this is the start of the OP resenting step daughter for the rest of her life. And her stepdaughter picking this up and impacting her

Everything you've said, is very normal behaviour, albeit a little bit selfish.

being a stepparent is complicated, especially when you have your own child. I wish people thought about it very carefully, though, as the relationship between a step parent and the child can be immensely impactful.

I'm mid-40s now, and I still spend my life, trying to please people, and being fearful of my innate, irritating personality. This is directly down to my step parent.

You're projecting your situation on to this family's.

Ladyoftheknight · 25/08/2023 09:25

It sounds like she doesn't feel supported/like she fits in, maybe work a bit more on your relationship with her.
11 yos are hard work, but if she's like this all the time you either need to help her balance out a bit or deal with it.

Do you spend quality time together, just you and her? That could be a good place to start. Maybe once a week go for a walk around the block together, or walk to a corner shop and let her pick one thing she wants. You don't need to let her get away with everything but the more you pick on her, the worse she will get.

Pick your battles!

Codependantnomore · 25/08/2023 09:39

the ice cream thing is ridiculous. You are on holidays, surely each kid can get the one they want.
As for the crisps, where were hers? Or did you sit there munching them when she had none. All very trivial, all very petty. Sound like you really don’t like the child at all. She’s 11 not 17. She is trying to find her place in a blended family, hence the trying to insert herself in adult decisions. Her behaviour is not bloody shocking ffs!

WhamBamThankU · 25/08/2023 09:49

Why aren't people understanding it was a multi box of ice creams for everyone to share. I wouldn't let one of my kids choose for everyone either.

Summerwashout · 25/08/2023 09:53

@billy1966

Unfortunately this small girls family unit bad broken down and she's also being inflicted Upon.

I'd like to hear how she perceive op. The partner said jumping in with the rude comment didn't help.

It sounds awful all around but surely this is blended family?
Personally I think this man needs to put his daughter first and do what's right for this girl.

BillaBongGirl · 25/08/2023 10:01

I don’t see how the ice creams was rude? Her mum had promised her those ones so she got them out. Why are you still angry with your DSD even though your DP explained she’d previously promised them to her? If anything you should be like “you should have said something in the shop” to your DP and you should have apologised to your DSD as well for making her put them back. On a weeks holiday it’s kind of silly to expect an entire family to buy something everyone will like, I can say from experience you only end up making everyone unhappy that way. When it’s a holiday the least you can do is save the extra £20 so everyone can pick their favourite ice creams it’s not the weekly shop.

I also don’t understand what is so wrong about a child saying what they want or want to do on holiday? Are you expecting children to be seen and not heard? How else are children to communicate to you that today they’d like a beach day or today they’d be happy going for a yomp in the woods? How do you know what they want like if they’d like a t shirt or other souvenir or to spend a bit of pocket money on a stuffed toy if they can’t speak up and say what they want? Why is this 11yr old supposed to consult you before being allowed to say what she wants or wants to do?

On the subject of wanting to join in on adult conversations, you need to be a bit more open minded on this as she is getting older and on a holiday is of an age to have a say or a vote in how the holiday goes and noncritical decisions that are made.

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