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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP daughter is challenging

181 replies

Lakes11 · 24/08/2023 22:04

Most of mine and DP arguments stem from her DD. She's 11 so I know hormones are playing a role and some of her behaviour is normal pre teen. However we have been on holiday since Monday and her behaviour has been shocking and damn right rude!
First day we went shopping for the 4 of us. We went to pick ice creams for us, she saw some that she loves. Flew the door open to the freezer and said I don't care about anyone else I'm having these and put them in the basket.
I was shocked and I said to DP I thought we were choosing as a family. She said we'll I've promised for ages she could have some. I said we'll it's not fair for her DD to get them to herself and not for DS to have any. Then DD huffed and threw them back and said fine I won't have them. DP let her have them in the end. Apparently according to DP it was my fault for bringing the rude attention up at that point in front of the children.
All holiday DP, DD has said I want to do this, I want this. Never consults anyone. Tonight I had some crisps. I saw her staring at me eating them. Once I put them down she grabbed them and ate all the rest.
She's massively defiant and will ignore me and DP. She will ask me something and if I say no then I can hear her asking DP. I have confronted this and she will be like oh I forget or oh I didn't hear you.
Her DD has to be centre of attention. The loudest and screaming to get people to look. Whenever her mum is around she will be so sweet and polite but when she's not within earshot she's cheeky and rude to me. She thinks she's an adult and tries to include herself in adult decisions, if me and DP are talking she will constantly ask what we said. If I say nothing she will ask DP relentlessly. She sometimes says she gives us permission or will allow us to do this or that. I've told her we don't need permission from her.

I've just had enough. I feel DP enables this behaviour. She tells her off sometimes but let's things slip other times. I'd she's told off she will resort to crocodile tears to DP and a baby voice.
Tbh it's driving me crazy.
It's been ages since she's been this way. I thought all had settled with her. Things were like this about 6 months ago and I finally thought all was good and had built a good bond between me and Dsd but she's reverted back now.
I don't know what to do

OP posts:
GameOverBoys · 24/08/2023 22:42

It relentless and aggravating to constantly remind them of their manners and encourage them to think of others. But that the job of parenting an 11 year old. Much easier, in many ways, than a small child but tougher in other ways. She sounds 100% normal.

Dogniss · 24/08/2023 22:44

Pollyputhekettleon · 24/08/2023 22:37

What judgments? That she's been that way for ages? I'm taking his word on that. That most 11 year olds aren't this badly behaved? That's not an assumption about this 11 year old. That hormones don't make you behave this badly? Not an assumption about this 11 year old, just a general statement.

I didn't say anything about why she might be so badly behaved. Yes of course there may be very good reasons for it. Although the fact her mother 'tells her off sometimes but let's things slip other times' seems like the most obvious candidate for a cause so far.

'I'd she's told off she will resort to crocodile tears to DP and a baby voice.' The implication seems to be the mother gives in to this manipulation. Another prime candidate for what causes the bad behaviour.

Show quote history

Show quote history

There are lots of reasons why an 11 yr old might behave like this.

Things were like this about 6 months ago and I finally thought all was good and had built a good bond between me and Dsd but she's reverted back now.

^^From the OP. Six months is hardly ages, particularly when we know nothing of the family history. The op might just have moved in or just been introduced.
It’s common for step parents to nitpick at their step children’s behaviour, and to not have a great bond, and the ice cream example is hardly an example of very bad behaviour, but an occasion with a mismanaged end result.

Symphony830 · 24/08/2023 22:45

porridgecake · 24/08/2023 22:24

Is DP worth all the hard work and stress you will have to go through? Think carefully. His child has to be his priority and you will have to fit in around that. Don't entertain any unrealistic expectations of the relationship because you will be disappointed.

I agree with this.

My current partner’s child is a right pain in the arse and I don’t like him.

I’m fully aware this is an absolute deal
breaker and I’m okay with that: the child unquestionably comes first.

This may be ’normal’ behaviour for an 11yr old, but not from my experience! For me, these are red flags of an emerging personality disorder or a spoilt child. Both of which I personally couldn’t be arsed dealing with….

Anxioys · 24/08/2023 22:47

@Pollyputhekettleon - I totally disagree! 11 year old girls can be very bratty. I would not escalate it. If she's capable of being polite at times, then eventually, they become pleasant. But while I can't say I would love this behaviour, it seems normal at this age.

Pollyputhekettleon · 24/08/2023 22:48

GameOverBoys · 24/08/2023 22:42

It relentless and aggravating to constantly remind them of their manners and encourage them to think of others. But that the job of parenting an 11 year old. Much easier, in many ways, than a small child but tougher in other ways. She sounds 100% normal.

Let me get this straight, normal 11 year olds:

  1. Grab other people's food and eat it without permission
  2. Ignore their mother and her DP
  3. Ask the other parent when one refuses something, then lies about it.
  4. Are loud and scream to get other people to look
  5. Are cheeky and rude
  6. Relentlessly interrupt adult conversations demanding to be told what's being said.
  7. Fake tears and puts on a baby voice to manipulate their mother when she attempts to tell them off.

No. This is more like a description of normal 3 year olds.

Pollyputhekettleon · 24/08/2023 22:51

Dogniss · 24/08/2023 22:44

There are lots of reasons why an 11 yr old might behave like this.

Things were like this about 6 months ago and I finally thought all was good and had built a good bond between me and Dsd but she's reverted back now.

^^From the OP. Six months is hardly ages, particularly when we know nothing of the family history. The op might just have moved in or just been introduced.
It’s common for step parents to nitpick at their step children’s behaviour, and to not have a great bond, and the ice cream example is hardly an example of very bad behaviour, but an occasion with a mismanaged end result.

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I'm well aware that there are lots of reasons that could cause this behaviour. I'm pointing out that there's one glaringly obvious one right now.

I'm going to quote the entire paragraph because you omitted the actual line:

'It's been ages since she's been this way. I thought all had settled with her. Things were like this about 6 months ago and I finally thought all was good and had built a good bond between me and Dsd but she's reverted back now.'

It's not absolutely clear what that means.

I think we've all established by now that the ice cream was an overreaction. Let's not have a 20 page thread where people focus on that rather than everything else he said.

Hummingbird89 · 24/08/2023 22:52

Agree @Pollyputhekettleon
I am always really shocked on here at what people describe as “normal” kid behaviour. My kids would genuinely never act like this aged 11 (secondary school age!!), hormonal or not. I’d have wiped the floor with them if they spoke to any adult in some of the ways described on here. I have many friends with kids, massive variation in parenting styles and none of their kids are this naughty and rude.
OP YANBU.

Dogniss · 24/08/2023 22:52

I’ll hold out until the op comes back with more details.

Children do well if they can. If she’s acting out there’s likely to be a reason for it. If it turns out to be poor parenting then the op should consider getting out as it’s unlikely to get better. However if op’s arrival on the scene has been the catalyst then there’s work to be done.

Pollyputhekettleon · 24/08/2023 22:53

Symphony830 · 24/08/2023 22:45

I agree with this.

My current partner’s child is a right pain in the arse and I don’t like him.

I’m fully aware this is an absolute deal
breaker and I’m okay with that: the child unquestionably comes first.

This may be ’normal’ behaviour for an 11yr old, but not from my experience! For me, these are red flags of an emerging personality disorder or a spoilt child. Both of which I personally couldn’t be arsed dealing with….

Show quote history

Sure, but the OP seems to have a child with this woman already. It's a little late to decide her parenting style clashes with his.

Pollyputhekettleon · 24/08/2023 22:54

Hummingbird89 · 24/08/2023 22:52

Agree @Pollyputhekettleon
I am always really shocked on here at what people describe as “normal” kid behaviour. My kids would genuinely never act like this aged 11 (secondary school age!!), hormonal or not. I’d have wiped the floor with them if they spoke to any adult in some of the ways described on here. I have many friends with kids, massive variation in parenting styles and none of their kids are this naughty and rude.
OP YANBU.

Absolutely. I know loads of 11 year olds and even the ones I'd consider a bit painful to deal with don't behave like this.

Dogniss · 24/08/2023 22:54

Is ds the dp’s child as well? I missed that bit, the op isn’t clear.

stickygotstuck · 24/08/2023 22:57

Pollyputhekettleon · 24/08/2023 22:48

Let me get this straight, normal 11 year olds:

  1. Grab other people's food and eat it without permission
  2. Ignore their mother and her DP
  3. Ask the other parent when one refuses something, then lies about it.
  4. Are loud and scream to get other people to look
  5. Are cheeky and rude
  6. Relentlessly interrupt adult conversations demanding to be told what's being said.
  7. Fake tears and puts on a baby voice to manipulate their mother when she attempts to tell them off.

No. This is more like a description of normal 3 year olds.

Show quote history

Yep, absolutely normal in many 11 year olds, unfortunately. They 'regress'.

That's what being a preteen /teen is about. Beginning to push the boundaries, seeing how much they can get a away with, isn't it?

This is one of the hardest bits of parenting. Now it's your job to stop them in their tracks. It's tiresome and infuriating. Consistency is the ideal but you need to pick your battles at the same time.

PS _ As for the personality disorder comment, I don't know what to think.

Pollyputhekettleon · 24/08/2023 23:01

stickygotstuck · 24/08/2023 22:57

Yep, absolutely normal in many 11 year olds, unfortunately. They 'regress'.

That's what being a preteen /teen is about. Beginning to push the boundaries, seeing how much they can get a away with, isn't it?

This is one of the hardest bits of parenting. Now it's your job to stop them in their tracks. It's tiresome and infuriating. Consistency is the ideal but you need to pick your battles at the same time.

PS _ As for the personality disorder comment, I don't know what to think.

Show quote history

Apparently on the mumsnet preteen board it's normal and that seems to be enough to qualify it as normal here! Really bizarre. Do people really think that throughout all of human history hormones cause 11 year olds to behave like 3 year olds? I know lots of 11 year olds, they all have their moments but none of them are anything like this. Maybe some of them are like this because there are apparently a whole lot of adults today who believe this kind of behaviour is some kind of normal and inevitable part of development.

Lavender14 · 24/08/2023 23:06

I'd leave things while you're on holiday but when you get home I'd speak to your dp when dsd isn't there and explain that you struggled a bit on holiday and feel that you need a more joined up approach to things regarding dsd so that you're able to properly support dps parenting and you feel that more consistency will benefit dsd as she'll have clearer boundaries. I'd acknowledge that dp is the lead parent in this scenario but you all need to live together harmoniously and you both need to be considerate of the impact on ds if there are different rules for each of them, he may start to resent that and it could harm the relationship dsd has with him and with you and you want to have a strong relationship with her and see her having a good relationship with ds.

I'd try to talk generically and discuss your approaches to challenging behaviour like asking one when the other said no, and general values you both want to instil in your kids and how you go about this. I'd also say that you've noticed that when dsd is being very persistent dp will sometimes back down and go along with what dsd wants and that makes you feel unsure of how you're meant to address those moments and it worries you that it a)undermines you and b) teaches dsd that if she keeps going then she'll eventually get what she wants and c) doesn't really give the message that when you do say no that you mean it and its for a reason and d) it's going to inevitably make you into the strict parent and dp into the fun parent which is a hard place to be.

Is it possible that dp feels some sort of guilt or like they need to compensate for something? If so it's important to tred carefully because those feelings might be a bit painful for dp or tap into their fears.

Canisaysomething · 24/08/2023 23:15

This girl doesn't need to be nice and obedient and the perfect model child just for you, she just needs to be herself and you need to face the fact you've chosen a partner who has a child already. Other people's kids are really annoying and 11 is a really annoying age. She's going to annoy you and all you need to do is put on a brave face and let your DP parent her. There will be times your DS annoys your DP too.

Mumsanetta · 24/08/2023 23:18

This behaviour really isn’t normal in 11 yr olds! I have only ever known (well, heard of via a friend) one 11yr old who behaves like this and they have a very ineffective parent who can’t be bothered to discipline them.

A child of her age isn’t to blame though, the blame lies entirely with your DP who is continuously letting her child down because she can’t bear the discomfort of laying boundaries and disciplining her child. She is doing her child no favours at all and is failing to show her the most basic form of love, which is extending yourself for the benefit of others. This is not attractive behaviour in a partner and you have a lifetime of parenting related issues ahead of you if you stick around.

stayathomer · 24/08/2023 23:22

I know we’re moving on past you overreacting at the ice cream but actually I’d have freaked more at the crisps. And personally I wouldn’t see most of it as normal for an 11 yo, BUT your family dynamic is different. I’d say she doesn’t know how to act- she hasn’t figured out how to relax in that dynamic yet and in that way I’m saying bless her, she’s so young

Summerwashout · 24/08/2023 23:24

Op I do understand why this is hard although my post won't sound like it.
She got excited about ice creams. I wouldn't bat an eye if my dd did this!
Shocked an 11 year old saw something and got over excited... And instead of mum who would see the funny side and say come on now... I know you like them... But let's have then another day...

It's step mum whose got no emotional Lee way and jumps on for rudeness.

Op please always try and remember..... Her dad may have fallen in love with you and want to be with you.... She never ever had thats choice.
She had no choice in where she lives or goes.

Unfortunately she doesn't have to like you and nor you her but as an adult you did choose to be with her dad.
She had zero choice and has to go away with you to see her dad.

Let her have the ice cream.

KingOfThieves · 24/08/2023 23:24

I’d barely bat an eye lid at this but context matters. My DC could have said the same about ice creams but they have very tongue in cheek humour, just like me. Same with nabbing crisps. The best response is to usually call it out at the time but take it all with a pinch of salt.

KajsaKavat · 24/08/2023 23:56

You sound like you are jealous of her and possibly hate her. I would be rude tk you to of you were my step mum. Does she get time with just her dad or are you always around. I feel bad for her.

determinedtomakethiswork · 25/08/2023 00:45

I can't think of someone I would love enough to put up with shit like this from their children.

Alargeoneplease89 · 25/08/2023 00:51

Anxioys · 24/08/2023 22:20

She's 11 and sounds it.

Your standards are too high, and she is acting very normally for her age. I would just remember that before doing anything, and strongly advise you not to raise this with your partner.

Normalising that behaviour isnt normal. My DD11 and her friends dont act that way.

Her dad needs to be on your side or you will get nowhere and evil step parent status is given.

ItstimeToMoveagain · 25/08/2023 02:41

Normal behaviour for a spoilt child

caringcarer · 25/08/2023 03:02

I don't understand why you can't all just choose your own ice cream. Why do you want everyone to have the same one? It sounds a bit controlling tbh. If you had a bag of crisps why were the DC not offered a bag? The SD does sound difficult but sounds like you are contributing too.

OhcantthInkofaname · 25/08/2023 03:18

Well Polly you were right. They jumped on the ice cream...

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