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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it actually me not them? Kids and screens

237 replies

Goforththenorth · 24/08/2023 17:44

Just got back from a lovely holiday at a family friendly hotel abroad. Exclusively British/Irish clientele.

I couldn’t believe the amount of device time I saw that didn’t include the airport/plane - tablets, phones and hand held consoles. All the time - poolside, at meal times, everywhere I turned there were kids plugged into devices, a lot of the time with headphones.

My DC are neurodivergent (one certainly, suspect the other is too) and when occupied on screens, they’re quiet and don’t bother us, so I can see the appeal (I watched a film in relative peace on the return flight because they were playing games on screens the whole time).

But…I couldn’t believe it. I purposely don’t take screens to meals out in the UK because, maybe especially because my DC are the way they are, I think it helps to teach them that sometimes they have to wait, a bit of patience. I always take colouring, stickers or books and magazines. My eldest with ADHD and DCD really struggles with sitting with zero to occupy him, I’d say it’s nigh on impossible. So it really does take a lot of energy to occupy him while he’s waiting for food to arrive in a restaurant without a screen. We only go to family friendly places. Can’t say if this helps as he’s not great at controlling the ants in his pants if we’re not there to help him control them. But knowing him, having a tablet at a meal once would be a slippery slope to having one every single time.

On holiday, it was an all inclusive buffet so there was none of that waiting for food - DC were in heaven able to get up and help themselves without waiting. Still everywhere I saw kids plugged into their screens whilst eating. Same at the pool, my DC love the water so are happy for a good while, but if they had the option of a tablet or console poolside there would’ve been a lot less pool time.

But seeing as we were in the minority, I’m wondering if it’s in fact me that is old fashioned, too strict with screens, and need to relax a bit? My DM was VERY strict. My DC get what I feel is a lot of screens at home, but I have to control it. I’m wondering if that’s a problem in itself, if I was more relaxed would they want it less in the end. They are definitely not super well behaved, so it’s not like I think I’m winning at parenting!

YANBU - it’s unusual for DC to be on screens so much on holiday

YABU - it’s you, you tech dinosaur, get with the times and relax about screens

OP posts:
Pollyputhekettleon · 24/08/2023 17:48

Screens are addictive and many parents are unwilling to upset their children by limiting their access. Many of the parents are equally addicted to their phones.

GRex · 24/08/2023 17:51

Mostly YANBU. I would be very disappointed to have DS wanting a screen instead of playing by a pool or wandering about. Screens do simplify mealtimes and is a habit I wish we'd never started, though we don't allow them when out for dinner just at home.

Stompythedinosaur · 24/08/2023 17:51

Both are within the "normal" bracket imo. Just a mild difference of opinion. Time to do what you think is best when parenting your own dc, and let other parents get on with their choices.

Dolores87 · 24/08/2023 17:55

I am very relaxed with screens, but I don't allow them at a restaurant dining table or by a poolside on holiday. On holiday they had unlimited screens in the hotel room.

I don't think its just you

UndercoverCop · 24/08/2023 17:57

I felt the same this summer, I'm often met with surprise when I say DS doesn't have a tablet and doesn't watch things/play games on our phones. He's not five yet. We did a 4.5 hour flight and a week's holiday without issue. We took books, games, activity books/colouring for the plane and he just loved being somewhere different, pool, beach, castle, museum. He does also love a comic. He's a high energy kid too so it probably would be more relaxing for us, but I go on holiday to spend time with him. To be honest DH and I didn't watch any TV while we were away either, and phones were in the safe when we were near the hotel, we did both read books on sun loungers so it's not like he had our full attention all of the time

TropicalTrama · 24/08/2023 17:58

I genuinely couldn’t give a shit what other parents do so long as I can’t hear it. It’s a holiday, maybe they’re not like that at home, or maybe they are. It’s not how we do it either but if the parents are making sure the kids don’t disturb other diners then who am
I to question their methods because the alternative may be far worse! As for screens on holiday- an hour in the afternoon whilst they stay out of the full sun is what we do. Yes you want them enjoying the pool but not to the point of heatstroke and if they’d rather that than a book, meh, it’s their holiday.

MumUndone · 24/08/2023 17:58

Judge, much?

underneaththeash · 24/08/2023 17:59

How old are your children?

Sirzy · 24/08/2023 18:01

Just because it works for you doesn’t mean it will work for others.

amongst DS many issues he has major issues with food, so we use the iPad when out because it works for him. He doesn’t use it when he is eating himself but will do when he is waiting or when others are still eating. Sometimes when we are away it is the difference between me being able to eat or not.

frootitootie · 24/08/2023 18:01

I'm a bit on the fence about this one.

My DD is just totally uninterested in screens. Very occasionally she will watch something and if other people saw it they might think it was sad / poor parenting but in actual fact it's a really rare occurrence.

You just see snapshots of other families don't you? How do you know how much screen time they are having? (Not being pass ag it's a genuine question).

Also I think whatever helps kids regulate is good as long as not all day long.

LolaSmiles · 24/08/2023 18:06

Both are within the "normal" bracket imo. Just a mild difference of opinion. Time to do what you think is best when parenting your own dc, and let other parents get on with their choices.
This.
I know our approach to screens is on the lower end of normal, and from observation the higher end of normal is what if consider unreasonable and unhealthy (because content via handheld individual devices is designed to be addictive and give mini dopamine hits, so I question why so many people hand them out on demand to young children). I also don't think it surprising that people have older children who are glued to their phones/devices and say that their children don't want to do anything else, when as a parent they're the ones who created the behaviour by handing their children a phone/tablet to keep them quiet at a young age.

As with most parenting things, normal covers a wide spectrum and people will have different opinions.

Original poster
Goforththenorth · 24/08/2023 18:08

DC 7 and 5. I generally fear when they’re too old for me to micro manage their screens as when DC1 had a Yes Day, they switched constantly between the tablet and TV. But have no idea how to get the balance as they would gladly be on them all day. 5 year old regularly gets half hour on the tablet and has a meltdown when it’s time to switch it off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goforththenorth · 24/08/2023 18:09

DP and I totally addicted to our phones by the way, hate it. They were left in the safe a lot on holiday which meant not much use, was so much nicer to be able to give DC full attention as neither of us regulate use well.

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 24/08/2023 18:09

We've been relatively limiting on our three's screentime. We've forced them to be bored and it means we can go out and they are fully capable of entertaining themselves without needing devices to distract them. Personally it works for us.

meow1989 · 24/08/2023 18:09

Meh, I was never going to be a screen parent - me with a 5 year old laughs at past me who though this.

DS will come in to bed with me and watch something whilst I doze as he's an early riser - better than waking the neighbours with noisy playing. If we are going out I'll take the tablet and he'll play a game, sometime he will draw instead, but I'll take the tablet off him when food arrives.
Saying that we don't have the sound on - I once say through some wedding toasts with a child on the next table watching cartoons at full volume - weirdly I aibu'd that and got accused of being a troll/making it up.

At home it's very rare we have TV on whilst eating, and when I preparing food I send him to play with his toys which he will do.

Life is so incredibly busy sometimes we have to do what we can to get through the day.

YouJustDoYou · 24/08/2023 18:11

Goforththenorth · 24/08/2023 18:08

DC 7 and 5. I generally fear when they’re too old for me to micro manage their screens as when DC1 had a Yes Day, they switched constantly between the tablet and TV. But have no idea how to get the balance as they would gladly be on them all day. 5 year old regularly gets half hour on the tablet and has a meltdown when it’s time to switch it off.

"5 year old regularly gets half hour on the tablet and has a meltdown when it’s time to switch it off"

My oldest used to do this at that age, so we took it away from him for a good long time until he was older and could learn to behave/understand. Devices wrecked him, and keeping him off them until he was older really helped.

Peony654 · 24/08/2023 18:12

I’m with you - it’s depressing. Why go on holiday to sit round on screens. Kids won’t ever get used to chatting round the tables or, god forbid, just sitting around. The long term impact of all this screen use is going to be appalling

NuffSaidSam · 24/08/2023 18:13

We're all looking at screens too much.

There will be people along to say 'they might have SN' and 'it's only a moment and you don't know what they've been doing the rest of the time' etc. Both true of course.

But overall at population level we're all spending far too much time looking at screens and making too many excuses for it.

IgnoranceIsStrength · 24/08/2023 18:16

Found the same on our holiday. By the pool was the most obvious for me but many families straight on them for meals. We kept our devices in the safe in the room and only took our phones out for the occasional photo. Was good for me and the kids to be honest to have a break and they were busy enough with choosing food/playing etc not to ask for them. Fully appreciate for some ND children they will be needed more but I do think it's shame to not try to go without when on holiday

BertieBotts · 24/08/2023 18:18

Why does it have to be an either or? I wouldn't change your approach if it's working for you. Equally I can't get judgy about parents taking an easy route out on holiday. It's a holiday! That's what it's for.

thecatinthetwat · 24/08/2023 18:19

is it the same kids though op? Mine would 100% choose pool over screens, but they’re not big eaters and would probably choose screens at a restaurant (not that we go to them tbh). I can’t imagine any kids choosing screens over all other activities. We’re pretty easy going with screens and they’ll chuck them down immediately if there’s something fun on offer.

yogasaurus · 24/08/2023 18:22

Yabu. My DC don’t have tablets in restaurants
normally, they have colouring etc. On holiday though, they sit down for 30 meals in a restaurant, not once a week as usual. So if they want tablets after a meal at some of those meals while we sit with dessert and wine, that’s absolutely fine with me.

Batatahara · 24/08/2023 18:24

I haven't observed this - though we don't do AI for our holidays so maybe we just aren't in those places.

I am more permissive with screens than many on Mumsnet - sometimes I just can't be arsed with sticker books and eye bloody spy for hours. I take an hour's train to see my parents every few weeks and I am so much happier now that I have stopped with the sticker books and just let them watch tablets with headphones. I read a book and feel relaxed when I arrive, not stressed out.

But I have some rules we don't break and one of them is tablets in restaurants, we just don't allow it.

It's hard though - on other threads, posters are being told that their 2 year old shouldn't run in their own flat because it disturbs others, any sound my kids make on a train, I see other passengers rolling their eyes at me, we need to be more tolerant of children

TropicalTrama · 24/08/2023 18:25

On holiday though, they sit down for 30 meals in a restaurant, not once a week as usual
This is also a really good point! Easy to say no screens, which we do, at home when we out twice a week but yeah 30 meals in a restaurant is a lot to ask!

Bingbong2000 · 24/08/2023 18:27

My DC are older and so just missed being digital Natives but I think they would have become ADHD if they would have had a tablet all the time. Even after time with the computer they would go abit mad. It's much harder for parents nowadays. Hats off to you.