Is it actually me not them? Kids and screens

[Goforththenorth]

Just got back from a lovely holiday at a family friendly hotel abroad. Exclusively British/Irish clientele.

I couldn’t believe the amount of device time I saw that didn’t include the airport/plane - tablets, phones and hand held consoles. All the time - poolside, at meal times, everywhere I turned there were kids plugged into devices, a lot of the time with headphones.

My DC are neurodivergent (one certainly, suspect the other is too) and when occupied on screens, they’re quiet and don’t bother us, so I can see the appeal (I watched a film in relative peace on the return flight because they were playing games on screens the whole time).

But…I couldn’t believe it. I purposely don’t take screens to meals out in the UK because, maybe especially because my DC are the way they are, I think it helps to teach them that sometimes they have to wait, a bit of patience. I always take colouring, stickers or books and magazines. My eldest with ADHD and DCD really struggles with sitting with zero to occupy him, I’d say it’s nigh on impossible. So it really does take a lot of energy to occupy him while he’s waiting for food to arrive in a restaurant without a screen. We only go to family friendly places. Can’t say if this helps as he’s not great at controlling the ants in his pants if we’re not there to help him control them. But knowing him, having a tablet at a meal once would be a slippery slope to having one every single time.

On holiday, it was an all inclusive buffet so there was none of that waiting for food - DC were in heaven able to get up and help themselves without waiting. Still everywhere I saw kids plugged into their screens whilst eating. Same at the pool, my DC love the water so are happy for a good while, but if they had the option of a tablet or console poolside there would’ve been a lot less pool time.

But seeing as we were in the minority, I’m wondering if it’s in fact me that is old fashioned, too strict with screens, and need to relax a bit? My DM was VERY strict. My DC get what I feel is a lot of screens at home, but I have to control it. I’m wondering if that’s a problem in itself, if I was more relaxed would they want it less in the end. They are definitely not super well behaved, so it’s not like I think I’m winning at parenting!

YANBU - it’s unusual for DC to be on screens so much on holiday

YABU - it’s you, you tech dinosaur, get with the times and relax about screens

I think it's depressing to see kids in restaurants with screens- I know they can be hard work but it's sad that they're not learning to chat/appreciate the food and god forbid just sit there for a bit.

No they wouldn’t have. You don’t “become adhd” simply by using a device 🙄

It’s not just you. Mine don’t have tablets either. I’ve just finished reading Stolen Focus, a very interesting book about screens.

I've not long got back from holiday and I didn't notice this at all. The only time my little boy went on his screen was for about an hour early evening when we all were getting ready to go out for dinner. On the flight we did puzzle books and played hangman.

The rest of the time it was breakfast, pool, lunch, pool, dinner, then watching the entertainment or playing in the playground.

I didn't notice any other children on screens either.

Back home is a different story, my dc do watch a lot of screens. They do have a lot of breaks from screens too though.

I also have 2 ND kids (9 year old with Autism and 5 year old with Autism and ADHD) and we are definitely more relaxed about screen-time on holiday.

At home we're quite strict about screens compared to most of my DC's friends parents. But at home they have the predictability of their usual routine, all their own toys to occupy them and the comfort of a familiar environment. On holiday everything is different and it can be overstimulating or anxiety provoking. If we've been sightseeing, swimming or doing anything else active for most of the day then I see no harm in letting them go on devices for an hour or so for a bit of downtime. My 9 year old reads books on her tablet, so I imagine some of the kids you've seen were doing the same, OP.

My DC know there's not a chance in hell they'd be allowed on devices at the dinner table at home. They wouldn't even ask. But on holiday we might be in a noisy restaurant with lots of unfamiliar smells, possibly up later than they are used to, it can be overwhelming. DH and I might want to take our time and have a couple of glasses of wine, because its our holiday too. So yes, we take all the colouring and the sticker books and we engage them in conversation, but I'll also have their tablets and headphones in my bag too just in case those things don't work.

People are welcome to judge me, but I'll continue to parent my DC based on what they need, not what other people think.

I saw a toddler (about 2) today in a large shopping centre in a buggy engrossed in a phone and I thought look at all the missed opportunities to develop language and interest in the world. There was so much to see in this centre, like large hanging structures of animals and lots of art work. Child was oblivious.

My dc has used screens but never at the dinner table and never to keep them quiet.

One thing I've noticed over the years however is that friends who have strict screen limits, when they come over to play they are desperate to get on the screen. Those that are more lax like mine are quite happy to chuck the device aside in favour of playing.

The screens are addictive

YANBU. Mine are 6 and 3 and devices are not banned, but the absolute last resort and it's not going well if we've had to get them out. Like you, my kids struggle with sitting still so I've got a backpack full of sticker books, colouring, magic painting, puzzle books to rotate when we eat out. My hope is that as they get older, this will morph into maybe some card games we can all play together which will then hopefully lead to them not needing anything at all.

I'm all for a little bit of downtime in the heat of the day, so I can sort of see the poolside thing (I was always reading on holiday as a kid) but I'd be pissed off if my kids were spending ages on a tablet when I'd taken them on holiday.

I have 5 ND children and 2 of them really struggle with waiting for anything. Mostly we avoid places where they would have to wait for long periods of time. The younger ones don't normally use screens when out as they prefer the tv/pc/x box. Eldest uses his tablet a lot though, mostly for Instagram.

My kids don't really have a limit on screens at home so I would say I'm very relaxed but when we go out they stay at home, when we eat they are not brought to the table. We all need downtime but mealtimes are about socialising.

Screens are very regulating for neurodivergant children and people who would otherwise become overwhelmed in certain situations. So maybe try and judge a bit less

My deal is that the kids can have screens when I have a screen. Keeps us all on the straight and narrow! So they get them for car journeys etc, but dinner is for conversation or activities. If I was looking at my phone by the pool I’d let them - mine aren’t old enough to read yet, but if I don’t have a screen neither do they. Helps me moderate my use too…

We're really relaxed with screens apart from when we go away, at home they have essentially unlimited screen time but they regulate fine

When we go away we allow eldest to take his phone, but he can only use it a bit in the morning if he's up before everyone, and for 30 mins - an hour in bed before he goes to sleep. The rest of the time hell no, if we're lucky enough to have been able to go away they're going to participate fully! But they don't mind, they love doing other stuff, it's only the most fun option when at home, not when away with access to a pool and other entertainment

@romdowa my DC (one certainly) are ND. What I notice with mine though is that when it’s time to stop, there can be huge repercussions. Especially with my youngest, who I don’t know is ND or not but I highly suspect he is. Saying that there was one meal out we had away from the all inclusive where he was totally overwhelmed and probably could’ve done with a screen. He also can go mental if a game on said screen isn’t going his way though!

@Whereshallwegonext yes I imagine my eldest is like this, he has a friend who has unlimited access and is always desperate to do screen activities that are banned here when he goes to play (YouTube - it’s like crack to him so banned here, and Roblox).

I also had this with my 5yo, especially about Youtube Kids. I confiscated it for some reason or another and after a couple of days, he seemed to forget about it. Out of sight, out of mind. He only has it for long journeys now and in restaurants I will give him my phone if he's really struggling.

The difference in him with no tablet was noticeable; quite scary really.

Those of you who are relaxed at home, do your DC self regulate?

I don’t believe mine would from past experience. If we say no to screen time at home, my eldest (ADHD and DCD) will play with Lego, read, play with/annoy younger DC. I’d be sad to change that if I gave him free access to screens as I know he’d choose that. But equally I wish I could be more relaxed as his ways definitely respond better to collaboration rather than control.

@PetitPorpoise yes it’s hard with my youngest as my eldest has a Switch and is ok at giving it back so is allowed it, at which point DC2 asks for some tablet time!

Wonder if you were in the same all inclusive as us ?!! We could’nt believe the amount of devices at the buffet , pool , night time entertainment. Kids strapped in to buggy’s in the evening holding an iPad , kids on the sun loungers watching utube instead of playing in the pool.
I was honestly shocked , my two dd’s had them with us on holiday but only used while we had showers ( and glass of wine 👀) before dinner/entertainment.
I don’t think I’d pay for such an expensive holiday for my children to spend most of their time on s screen

I think for me it depends what they are doing on the devices. Watching mindless YouTube shit for hours on end I'd very much discourage. At the moment we are on holiday and my 12yo is brushing up his French on Duolingo before school restarts and my 8yo is reading a murder mystery novel on her iPad so if you see them by the pool taking a break from splashing and on their devices try not to judge...

I agree with you fully except for the bit about air ports and the Plane - surely that's different and everyone's just trying to survive as best as they can? It's not exactly everyday life.

Having a 19 month old I suppose I can see the appeal of tablets etc, but I hope not be one of those parents! We go out for meals quite often already and it is hard to keep the toddler quiet and still sometimes (well, he is 1.5!) but I'd hate to have to use a screen. But I can imagine it gets easier to occupy them with other things as they get older (I hope!)

Our youngest daughter (8) has a phone most places (no network, internet tethered, fully under age 5 locked). If it's not in her hand it's in my pocket. She doesn't watch or play games when out much but she may randomly start playing Bluey on Spotify or something if she becomes overwhelmed or distressed(we have it volume locked very low so she puts it to her ear). She has severe neurological and developmental disablilities and it is a comfort object to her.

We don't eat out much and when we do we are an eat and leave family so she doesn't have time enough to want her phone at the table. But if she got to a point of distress where I knew a few quiet verses of "Message from the Faries" would calm her, I absolutely would let her have it. Unfortunately headphones are a no go.

@bakewellbride I meant I was surprised at the time on screens that DIDN’T include planes or flight, apologies if that wasn’t clear.

@Wanttoshavemyhairoff was it a Balearic 😂and yes it was at the evening entertainment too, I left that out of my OP. My eldest hates any kind of mini disco/dancing/forced fun type show so we didn’t spend much time at the entertainment anyway - I suppose if we’d wanted to we could’ve given him an iPad and he’d have been quite happy! But we weren’t desperate to watch it and he was happy to chill on the balcony reading when youngest went to bed so that was fine with us.

Oh sorry. Yes then I'm with u all the way.

Mine has never been allowed a screen at restaurants or when travelling. I take games, colouring books, sticker books etc. when travelling listening to audio books is also used. There are times when kids need to be bored and be more inventive. I figured that there is enough screen time / TV when in the house so out of the house it is not allowed.