Is it actually me not them? Kids and screens

[Goforththenorth]

Just got back from a lovely holiday at a family friendly hotel abroad. Exclusively British/Irish clientele.

I couldn’t believe the amount of device time I saw that didn’t include the airport/plane - tablets, phones and hand held consoles. All the time - poolside, at meal times, everywhere I turned there were kids plugged into devices, a lot of the time with headphones.

My DC are neurodivergent (one certainly, suspect the other is too) and when occupied on screens, they’re quiet and don’t bother us, so I can see the appeal (I watched a film in relative peace on the return flight because they were playing games on screens the whole time).

But…I couldn’t believe it. I purposely don’t take screens to meals out in the UK because, maybe especially because my DC are the way they are, I think it helps to teach them that sometimes they have to wait, a bit of patience. I always take colouring, stickers or books and magazines. My eldest with ADHD and DCD really struggles with sitting with zero to occupy him, I’d say it’s nigh on impossible. So it really does take a lot of energy to occupy him while he’s waiting for food to arrive in a restaurant without a screen. We only go to family friendly places. Can’t say if this helps as he’s not great at controlling the ants in his pants if we’re not there to help him control them. But knowing him, having a tablet at a meal once would be a slippery slope to having one every single time.

On holiday, it was an all inclusive buffet so there was none of that waiting for food - DC were in heaven able to get up and help themselves without waiting. Still everywhere I saw kids plugged into their screens whilst eating. Same at the pool, my DC love the water so are happy for a good while, but if they had the option of a tablet or console poolside there would’ve been a lot less pool time.

But seeing as we were in the minority, I’m wondering if it’s in fact me that is old fashioned, too strict with screens, and need to relax a bit? My DM was VERY strict. My DC get what I feel is a lot of screens at home, but I have to control it. I’m wondering if that’s a problem in itself, if I was more relaxed would they want it less in the end. They are definitely not super well behaved, so it’s not like I think I’m winning at parenting!

YANBU - it’s unusual for DC to be on screens so much on holiday

YABU - it’s you, you tech dinosaur, get with the times and relax about screens

I give my 2 year old a screen in a restaurant funnily enough because of people like you... if she was having a meltdown at the point she decided she didn't want to sit at the table anymore I guarantee you'd be there rolling your eyes!

On self regulation - I think kids vary.

My older one who I sometimes suspect is ND would be on his tablet all day if I let him. He also has little self regulation with food.

My younger one quite often decides of his own accord to switch off his tablet and do something else. He also sometimes will leave an ice cream half finished etc ..

If our younger one was our only child we could probably have no limits on screen time.

Mine always had screens on holiday but they only used them on the plane and in the hotel when they were just waiting about for everyone to get ready for dinner or whatever. Never took them to a public place. I don’t remember noticing other kids with tablets but we weren’t in a big family hotel.

It's the norm sadly.

But YE GODS please turn the volume down.

Well, yes I do. Because those kids (who will end up impatient, emotionally unbalanced and hyperactive) will one day be adults churned out into society that we have to work with and live alongside.

I hate screens in restaurants and whilst eating so I agree with you on that.
I can't see the point of playing on a screen on a sunlounger purely because the sun is so bright you usually can't see the screen very well and then the device overheats and runs slow etc. obviously if you've got a nice shady spot it's a different matter
However, screens are a blessing when having some chill out time back in the hotel room, or on a long car journey. Nothing wrong with an hour or so relaxing playing a game. Like everything, it's all about balance

Yeah I do think there's an element of parents can't win.

If your child makes any noise, you're disturbing people

If you read to them or do stickers, you're performance parenting

If you give them a tablet, you're turning their brains to mush

Fair play to the posters who have perfect children and avoid these pitfalls but it's hard!

We don't do tablets in restaurants but I do understand why some parents do.

Ok you're a hypocrite. Your kids use screens, you say you and dh are addicted but yet you judge. How does it affect you really? They aren't your kids, make no impact on your life so what do you get out of judging?

You are not wrong - we are just back from Disney world and kids even had screens in the park. It is epidemic.

Don't get me wrong my kid gets a screen in the airport and on the flight but that is it. A little disney channel in the tv when we are getting ready but no ipads at the pool etc. What is the point of going on holiday?

I would never let my kid take a screen to a restaurant etc - my kid has never had them out and about and they never ask for them. They know how to behave and i think if screens weren't the default in places like restaurants many more would. They get some tv at home but we very rarely have the ipad out and i think it is because we never just deafulted to that for an easy life. I can never believe the amount of babies and toddlers I see in places with screens, it is crazy.

I’m not quite sure why screens are so scary to middle class parents. They’re just tools like books and toys, they don’t need overthinking and managing. (Though personally I think most of the overthinking is about snobbery not kids’ wellbeing)

95% of the time we don’t have screens in restaurants, there’s not enough room on the table for one thing, it’s a pain but then there’s been times we’ve gone out for a meal which is either necessary (ie we’re out) or for us (can’t be arsed to cook) and one or both kids aren’t in the mood at all, aren’t coping or we’re not on good form and screens are a godsend.

Not even my most screen ‘addicted’ child would turn down pool time for a screen nor would they turn down many outings or joint activities in favour of a screen, surely you must be limiting heavily if a kid would choose a screen over the pool. If screens are unlimited, some kids use them lots and some kids use them little (I have one of each) but kids still want to do other interesting things unless they’re in burnout or Ill. Screens pall like books and kids want relationships and activity too.

I agree totally on the necessity of headphones though. Using screens in public without headphones or volume off (not down) is not okay.

Your kids need colouring, stickers, etc to help them behave at mealtimes, other kids have screens. Meh. Doesn't bother me either way as long as I can get on with my meal.

I’m not quite sure why screens are so scary to middle class parents. They’re just tools like books and toys

No, they’re not, personally I’m not quite sure why so many parents are in convenient denial over the whole thing

https://www.unicef.org/parenting/child-development/babies-screen-time

They're just copying the adults. Most adults I see are glued to their phones. I try to leave mine in another room at home when I'm playing with my DC so I'm not tempted to pick it up.

My DH is dreadful. I'll ask him to feed the baby and come down to find him checking work emails while the baby is trying to catch his attention. He's improved since I videoed one of their interactions and sent it to him together with that clip showing the effect that being ignored by their caregivers has on babies. Apparently he didn't even realise he was doing it.

I actually think this sort of usage and the insidious way it creeps into daily life is more harmful than scheduled screen time (whether over meals or not). If you promise your kids you're going to spend time as a family but are never fully engaged, then that's a problem. It's something I'm constantly fighting against with my DH. There's even a term for it now, "phubbing".

We use screen time for restaurants as it's the only way he will sit. Usually in the uk our meal in a restaurant will last 60/90 mins max but on holiday we would like to sit longer or go to a bar area. He plays all day at the beach chasing waves and making sandcastles together. We take him to the hotels playground after meal time too to burn that last bit of energy before bed but during meals once he has finished, he wants to wonder off and gets extremely stressed (he has sensory issues). Never been a child that was interested In colouring or stickers hell I've done legos with him at the bloody restaurant and bar a few weeks ago on holiday. Holidays are for relaxing and I want to enjoy that cocktail too unless I take him back to the room. There's later bedtime, change of routine so a bit of sceentime so parents can stay out a little longer won't harm anyone. Of course in the UK he goes to preschool and then he has extra clubs so by the time we get home it's dinner and bath and story time and then bed. On the weekends we are out and a about so we barely use any screen time at home. What I notice on holiday especially from my own experience I only have time to take pictures on my phone let alone scroll through things.

FWIW I feel very much the same as you OP. I have 2 ND (ADHD / ASD) children and we have never allowed screens at the dining table or on holiday (except very limited back in the room) but never in public. I want them to understand how to have a conversation, how to engage and interact with people. We play 'I spy' or similar games at the table if they're getting bored or colouring or sometimes a game - Dobble is great.

Personally, it does make me sad seeing screens in so many children's faces when being pushed along in strollers and in restaurants and trains. I DO get that there are some instances where they are helpful in calming a child down, etc. But I also think a lot of times it comes down to what's easiest for the parent and sometimes it's a screen - also because then it allows the parent to go on their own screen. I've seen it loads before. Not saying it's the case every time.

Ultimately I'm in charge of my own children and not other peoples, so despite what I say above I really don't judge those parents much UNLESS their child's screen is disturbing me and / or my family. I CANNOT stand it when children have the volume up and other people can hear it. Same with adults btw! Boggles my mind what selfish people think it's ok that they or their children don't need to use headphones so the rest of the people around them have to listen to video game & TV sounds and music.

I recently went out with my family to a very nice restaurant to celebrate a special occasion. Shortly after we were seated a couple and their 2-3 year old sat down. All looked fine. Child was fine. Then out pops the screen on the table with volume so loud we could hear it 3 tables down. So rude! For people saying they use it to keep the child from having a tantrum, please consider that the noise from a screen in a public place is just as disturbing as the tantrum itself and invest in some headphones!

My kids usually get bored of screens after about 30 minutes anyway so they sort of self regulate. Unlike me and dp who definitely have full blown phone addictions. It's definitely not just a problem with kids. I also think some parents can't win, some small kids are incapable of sitting nicely at a table for a whole meal and that's fine and perfectly normal. If they aren't being judged for letting them play on a screen, they are being judged for letting them wander around.

Also from my last holiday abroad which was in a upmarket resort and what I've noticed was the normal folks engaging and playing with their kids all day and using screen time in the evenings but there were many family's presumably from southern European countries (they spoke Italian, Greek and Spanish passing by) that came with their nannies and despite that, the kids were still on their screens and then escorted back to their rooms with their nannies. During the day the kids were only on the beach after 4pm with their nannies and the parents wondering out of silent beach around that time.

I sort of agree but I don’t think those ‘designated screen time’ slots should be times when human interaction is at the heart of the event, for example meals out. I can understand half an hour a week on a Saturday morning for an older child, but seeing a 2 year old on a tablet is just depressing.

People put human interaction at the heart of different events.

For us, eating out in the evening on holiday is mostly about getting everyone fed and then DH and I having a nice time out. It's usually past my DC's bedtime since everything happens later on holiday so DC is never going to be their sparkly best. Earlier in the day is better for family interaction.

And yes, I don't personally see how a tablet could be that beneficial for a 2yo and would prefer to avoid it but my DC is 5 so a bit different. That said, we'll have to change our approach somewhat when the little one gets a bit older, but all families have constantly evolving needs.

I would never, ever judge any parent for their DC having a public tantrum. I have been that parent many a time and endured judgy looks from others.

We went on holiday abroad last year too but not to an all inclusive and British guests were hugely in the minority. I didn’t notice much in the way of screens in places I didn’t expect - lots of posters saying they use iPads in the hotel room to relax or in a restaurant with a long wait. I wouldn’t be surprised to see screens here, what I was surprised about in terms of meals when we were away recently was the use at the all inclusive buffet, breakfast, the snack bar. All informal, noisy bustling places where it doesn’t matter if your child isn’t sitting and behaving; they’re up and down getting their own food anyway. And at the evening entertainment. And it wasn’t one or two families I’m talking about as that wouldn’t be surprising - what surprised me was that we were totally in the minority!

And like I’ve said PP, my DC are most certainly not impeccably behaved so rather than judging, I’m wondering if actually we need to get with the times and stop making rods for our backs based on what exactly - snobbery maybe like people have said upthread? I grew up with a very screen-strict DM and I can tell she has a little inward tut when my DC put the TV on straight after school to relax! So I fully accept I have a skewed perception of what’s “normal” - equally DP doesn’t and he was also really surprised about what we saw on holiday screen wise.

Noisy bustling places, especially with the variety of smells that come from a buffet, can be sensory overload for many people and make the need to have a distraction more important

Buy a lock box for home and do the same.

Screens are shit really. They make you miss out on your own life.

I think your screen approach with your kids is fine. Don't change your parenting because other people do things differently, it's your family.

dd is 10 but we never took screens to restaurants when she was small. She has always been expected to sit still, we used to play games with her when she was small (I spy, the alphabet game, guess the my little pony, etc) but she didn’t have access to electronic games. We have a ‘ne screens at the table’ rule at home. I would never take a tablet to the swimming pool or beach! We lived abroad from when she was 3 to 10 and we never once took a tablet to the beach or swimming pool! I’m very confused by this idea!

she doesn’t have much screen time anyway - maybe half an hour of Minecraft ever other day. We don’t game as a family and try to limit our own screen time as well. She nearly always has her head in a book though.

i work in schools and kids ability to concentrate is very low, and I think getting lower, and I’m convinced it’s to do with the over use of screens (no scientific basis for this, just my own guesswork!)

For everyone, though? For 98% of kids I saw? I’m not disregarding what you’re saying as my youngest has definite sensory issues and hated the smell of a lot of things on holiday. But I don’t think that was the reason here, the pool side wasn’t noisy, smelly or bustling. Neither was the snack bar - plenty of outdoor seating away from it all.