Is it actually me not them? Kids and screens

[Goforththenorth]

Just got back from a lovely holiday at a family friendly hotel abroad. Exclusively British/Irish clientele.

I couldn’t believe the amount of device time I saw that didn’t include the airport/plane - tablets, phones and hand held consoles. All the time - poolside, at meal times, everywhere I turned there were kids plugged into devices, a lot of the time with headphones.

My DC are neurodivergent (one certainly, suspect the other is too) and when occupied on screens, they’re quiet and don’t bother us, so I can see the appeal (I watched a film in relative peace on the return flight because they were playing games on screens the whole time).

But…I couldn’t believe it. I purposely don’t take screens to meals out in the UK because, maybe especially because my DC are the way they are, I think it helps to teach them that sometimes they have to wait, a bit of patience. I always take colouring, stickers or books and magazines. My eldest with ADHD and DCD really struggles with sitting with zero to occupy him, I’d say it’s nigh on impossible. So it really does take a lot of energy to occupy him while he’s waiting for food to arrive in a restaurant without a screen. We only go to family friendly places. Can’t say if this helps as he’s not great at controlling the ants in his pants if we’re not there to help him control them. But knowing him, having a tablet at a meal once would be a slippery slope to having one every single time.

On holiday, it was an all inclusive buffet so there was none of that waiting for food - DC were in heaven able to get up and help themselves without waiting. Still everywhere I saw kids plugged into their screens whilst eating. Same at the pool, my DC love the water so are happy for a good while, but if they had the option of a tablet or console poolside there would’ve been a lot less pool time.

But seeing as we were in the minority, I’m wondering if it’s in fact me that is old fashioned, too strict with screens, and need to relax a bit? My DM was VERY strict. My DC get what I feel is a lot of screens at home, but I have to control it. I’m wondering if that’s a problem in itself, if I was more relaxed would they want it less in the end. They are definitely not super well behaved, so it’s not like I think I’m winning at parenting!

YANBU - it’s unusual for DC to be on screens so much on holiday

YABU - it’s you, you tech dinosaur, get with the times and relax about screens

But it’s being on a screen that makes the difference. There are very clear differences in how the brain reacts to a screen versus a piece of paper even if the activity is the same.

https://www.govtech.com/education/k-12/books-vs-screens-what-does-the-latest-research-say?_amp=true

https://www.snexplores.org/article/learn-comprehension-reading-digital-screen-paper

Perfectly put!

I cant vote either YABU or YANBU because neither fit for my opinion - far too many parents rely on screens as childcare, far too often.
And you arent a tech dinosaur who needs to lighten up - its parents who need to be firm - get themselves and their kids to reduce screen time and learn to interact, play, talk, chat without being glued to screens.

@Jamtartforme I'm aware of this and take your point completely, my angle is that if you have a 'conversation only' rule at dinner; judge away, but if you're also occupying your kids you're not really in a position to judge. She may have seen other kids in their one hour allotted screen time, reading or playing puzzles on-screen.

I don't think anyone is going to respond to this post with - YABU screentime is great and kids should be glued to their devices at all times. We all know it's a big issue.

Exactly.

DS reads loads, he has a variety of paper books and kindle books. Because his reading is generally about his niche area of interest often kindle is easier because finding the books in hard copy can be tough and expensive. When we are out reading from his iPad or finding things online to read is often the easier option.

one of his main self regulatory tasks is reading maps. He has hundreds of paper maps but when out for a meal opening a big map on the table is generally frowned upon so google maps is ideal!

i think the key is not all technology use is made equal. Some is always going to be more beneficial than other - he does love some roblox every so often too though

We are becoming a nation of zombies

Everyone is looking down on a screen instead of talking to.people.

Mine are both teens who had long periods of inforced screen time due to covid when it was all of their school work and the only way to socialise with their friends. They seem to have fallen into the habit of using screens to socialise, my son is 13 and has only seen a friend from school face to face once all summer at an event organised by youth club, despite many of his friends living less than 10 minutes walk away.
When we go away my kids tend to have screen time in the evening before bed and in the morning before we go out and my son doesn't take his phone with him if we are going out unless we are going to be separated (so he can find us again) my daughter does but she is 17 and uses her phone as a medical device. Sometimes they play a game together on my daughter's phone while waiting for food. we also use our phones in restaurants tosearch for things later that day or the next day to do or look at the menu for allergens or carbohydrate content as both are required for medical reasons.

DS2 is 14 and has ADHD. I have spent many years keeping him
occupied at the dinner table, on holiday it is a million times worse because of all the exciting things around him. If he has a screen now, he will actually eat a meal so it’s worth it to me, I’d rather he ate than that we looked good to other people. Round the pool he rarely uses his phone, especially if there are organised activities going on. He also does 20 hours of sport a week. But you wouldn’t know any of this just from looking at us in the buffet restaurant and seeing him
on his phone.

Whilst you are right….in general there is too much screen time and iPads used as babysitters, you as a parent of a neurodivergent child should know that all children have different needs. I know if I tried to take my sons iPad off him in a strange place he’d never been before (non verbal severe brain injury) then he would be distressed. Familiar places are ok. Other 2 kids rarely have them. I never judge parents as I know how hard it feels to be judged too

I hate the virtue signalling too, also 7 & 5 is still young enough to be smug. Wait until you have two ND teens and have spent years helping them manage their behaviour, supporting them, and most exhaustingly, advocating for them, and see how pleased you are with yourselves 🤣

Screens aren't always bad as well - DD1 is currently trying to learn my very battered guitar from a phone app.

What a horrible post @Whyohwhywyoming. It’s not a race to the bottom, isn’t life as the parent of ND children hard enough?

@Nomorelittlebabybum to be honest, for my 5 year old, the meltdown that taking a screen away would involve is almost not worth giving it to him to begin with.

Exactly this!!

Says the person who’s just posted and attempted to shame every single screen reliant parent of ND Kids. Really? You’re literally punching down.

My autistic child learnt Spanish off hers. She’s close to bi lingual and kicking arse at school as a result. Also streets ahead with maths. And coding. All self taught on the devil screen.

Learning to play guitar off an app is hardly comparable to some kid watching Peppa effing pig or playing a really annoying game

Not as horrible as the judgy post that started it all.

This. It becomes very hard to enforce screen time rules whenever everyone else doesn’t have similar rules or standards. If I don’t let my kids have free run on screens, how does it work if all her mates are spending hours on TikTok? I’m not happy sending her round to her friends just to spend her time on someone else’s screens, when I have no idea as to what they are watching.

And for most kids, if it’s only 10 mins waiting for food, what’s the harm in them waiting?

Mine is 6 and it's sometimes handy, mainly at home when I'm doing household tasks. Other than that, it doesn't leave the house. We have forgotten/lost the pin so we can't synch up to wifi and she knows this (it was a gift and I have no idea what the pin is), so she talks to me instead. She knows it doesn't work outside the house; to the point we aren't even taking it away with us tomorrow for a week as there's no point.

It’s a constant struggle for us at home. My stepdaughter is glued to a screen, complains that she is bored when she is not on it and has very poor social skills. I am trying to teach her that boredom is positive, it fosters creativity and teaches her to self-regulate but at 13, I think this ship has sailed. Most of all I feel sorry for her that she has no relationships with her grandparents and genuinely doesn’t know how to have an engaging conversation with an adult. I remember my own childhood and how much fun I had with adult members of the family, how many life skills I learned just hanging around people when they were doing stuff - cooking, gardening, home renovations etc. and I warmly remember wonderful stories from elders in my family and friends of my parents and grandparents. She will never have the same experiences and will not realise the value of them until it’s too late.
Yes, I understand that they do learn exciting things on social media platforms (although the new thing at home now is using Americanisms like “he took the book OFF OF me” -yikes!) but this doesn’t seem to translate well into functioning in the outside world. I’m not judging the parents who want an easier life as I appreciate that entertaining a toddler on a 4h flight is a challenge but I also can’t help but think that maybe we don’t have to feel responsible for providing constant entertainment either.

Half the problem with children's screen time isn't the screen time itself it's what they're missing out on.

What is becoming extinct from childhood is any time to have to entertain themselves, be bored, look out of a window, be inventive.

So many posts saying they only use it on long flights and journeys and in restaurants and when when adults are unavailable due to WFH/housework/needing a break.....so just every single time they're not being actively entertained or asleep then?

Just got back from holiday. Kids on their devices round the pool, on the bouncy castle, in the park, in the restaurants. Same kids I imagine that are also glued to a screen in the supermarket, in the car, for hours at a time at home. Surely they can't all be ND and in need of regulation.

For what its worth, we took two phones with us, I used mine for photos, husband for satnav. Kids didn't touch a screen for two weeks. And a great holiday was had by all!

Tbh I think the OP is just trying to understand if they're out of touch/overly firm. In response to that, I'd say it's all over - holidays or otherwise - and has been for a while, the situation I seem to notice is kids in the supermarket watching screens in the trolley or buggy - but I understand that's their parents choice and I'm only seeing a snapshot of their world.
My kids (12 and 8) proved to me over the holidays that they are struggling to regulate their screen time - we do have rules, and I'm quite firm about them, but that's not stopped some deceit going on!! They shunned the pool at times in favour of TV and films when we were away, which I wasn't impressed about, but did read a lot of books too. We had games night each night and no devices at the table - worked for us, but won't work for everyone.

I do worry about the narrow view of the world they're getting and the lack of social skills practice - they're both introverts and not inclined to practice (know the feeling at times!). They do plenty of clubs and sport in term time, but I know I need to have a rethink about how we manage this better together. It's so easy to zombie walk into and I do feel like we need to readdress the balance.

In summary OP - it's a jungle out there, lots of people doing what they can to survive. Many humans have been screen addicts for decades, but the TV and gaming (mostly) stayed at home, then 15 years ago the smartphone came along and suddenly it's a different ball game which none of us know how to play. Best of luck to us all navigating this!

We're just back from a holiday abroad, my DNs (12 & 8) would watch their phones pool side but it was between suncream top ups, they'd much rather have been in the water. DD (21 months) often watched an episode of Peppa in the pram if she was getting restless.

I think it's fine unless they are opting to watch their phones/tablets over other things, especially on the likes of a holiday abroad.

Mine self-regulate, yes, and when there's something more interesting to do then they're happy to chuck the screens aside.

Everyone bangs on about how screens are addictive but no-one mentions that literally everything pleasurable is addictive. I was a book-worm and reading released the same serotonin/dopamine that someone else gets from playing football. Online interactions are exactly the same.... I mean, here we all are, engaging with community on a screen.

I've really appreciated these years of being able to share in what my son does with screens. Apart from fun stuff like gaming together, it's given us lots of moments to chat about online safety, misogyny, racism, AI, attention span, editing software, video creation, copyright, critical thinking, etc etc etc.

By the time they're 13 it's too late and they don't want to listen to us any more. Younger is better to help guide them through the pitfalls of the internet.

(Edited for typos)