Is it actually me not them? Kids and screens

[Goforththenorth]

Just got back from a lovely holiday at a family friendly hotel abroad. Exclusively British/Irish clientele.

I couldn’t believe the amount of device time I saw that didn’t include the airport/plane - tablets, phones and hand held consoles. All the time - poolside, at meal times, everywhere I turned there were kids plugged into devices, a lot of the time with headphones.

My DC are neurodivergent (one certainly, suspect the other is too) and when occupied on screens, they’re quiet and don’t bother us, so I can see the appeal (I watched a film in relative peace on the return flight because they were playing games on screens the whole time).

But…I couldn’t believe it. I purposely don’t take screens to meals out in the UK because, maybe especially because my DC are the way they are, I think it helps to teach them that sometimes they have to wait, a bit of patience. I always take colouring, stickers or books and magazines. My eldest with ADHD and DCD really struggles with sitting with zero to occupy him, I’d say it’s nigh on impossible. So it really does take a lot of energy to occupy him while he’s waiting for food to arrive in a restaurant without a screen. We only go to family friendly places. Can’t say if this helps as he’s not great at controlling the ants in his pants if we’re not there to help him control them. But knowing him, having a tablet at a meal once would be a slippery slope to having one every single time.

On holiday, it was an all inclusive buffet so there was none of that waiting for food - DC were in heaven able to get up and help themselves without waiting. Still everywhere I saw kids plugged into their screens whilst eating. Same at the pool, my DC love the water so are happy for a good while, but if they had the option of a tablet or console poolside there would’ve been a lot less pool time.

But seeing as we were in the minority, I’m wondering if it’s in fact me that is old fashioned, too strict with screens, and need to relax a bit? My DM was VERY strict. My DC get what I feel is a lot of screens at home, but I have to control it. I’m wondering if that’s a problem in itself, if I was more relaxed would they want it less in the end. They are definitely not super well behaved, so it’s not like I think I’m winning at parenting!

YANBU - it’s unusual for DC to be on screens so much on holiday

YABU - it’s you, you tech dinosaur, get with the times and relax about screens

Screen time doesn't cause ADHD.

Oh come on, take off the Nostalgia Goggles

My pets hates are:

people plonking their kid in front of a screen the second they sit at the dinner table

people who are in a public space and don’t give their kids headphones when using a screen

on my three hour flight home the other week someone let their child watch Peppa Pig on what must have been full volume, the whole fight. It was very grating.

Anyway apart from the headphone thing, which I think is actually more polite in public, I agree with you OP.

we have a rule that if we are out then they can only have screen time after they have eaten, if the adults are still eating. Otherwise we would never finish our dinner haha. No screen time while eating at home.

we have an iPad but only for things like long journeys/flights etc. and we are quite relaxed about having the actual television on at home because they aren’t sat within an inch of the screen.

I get that as a parent you want to have some time to relax too but IMO going out together as a family means you actually engage with each other. My oldest is being assessed for adhd and really struggles with patience, but it’s something they will have to learn to cope with to get through life. We go out for a meal and we play eye spy, talk about things, do stickers, colouring, reading, where’s Wally etc…

I know a lot of people will argue otherwise for lots of reasons but despite being a generally quite relaxed parent, this is one thing I do believe in strongly - unlimited time on a small screen is not good for your kids development.

Everyone's different but for us it's not an either/or.

We allow tablets on journeys of over an hour, under an hour, they entertain themselves/look out of the window

If we're doing a household task that they can assist with like cooking or putting away laundry, they entertain themselves or join us and help. If we are putting together flat pack or something and there are lots of nails/tools around, I would rather they were on their tablets because I want them not to disturb us.

Similarly on the odd occasion when I am WFH with them home - not a regular thing, if I have a big meeting, tablets, if I can be interrupted, entertain themselves.

So I think they do get plenty of opportunities to entertain themselves but the tablet is a useful tool too

@SStarlet yes thank you, that’s exactly what I’ve been meaning. I know I can be too controlling in some aspects of my
parenting as my own DM was/is a bit of a control freak, and I’m always questioning whether I’m getting it right as parenting hasn’t been an easy ride. And one of the ways that we question this is naturally to look at those around us. I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid at a handful of kids on screens a lot, but it was a huge majority, and all of the time.

WRT the ND thing, having reflected I think that’s another reason I’m so reluctant to resort to a screen all the time for my eldest. If he learns that he will get an iPad when he has to wait for anything, or has any tiny second of boredom, or is allowed to choose that over pool/beach/play, then he will never let that go. I feel like it’s my job to at least try and teach him some of the skills that don’t come naturally to him but do to others. Back at home I always see so many children just waiting patiently in queues or waiting rooms, just sat there. DS doesn’t have this skill so it’s worth practicing whenever we can.

I think screen dependency has accelerated in just the past five years. My DD is 14 now and wasn’t allowed her own iPad until she was about nine and even now we have a no screens rule at dinner table whether at home or out or on holiday. I am always disheartened when I see really small children - talking two or three - on screens in restaurants instead of having actual family time and talking or doing drawing etc. A friend shared some holiday pix and every dinner one showed her DD2 plugged into her own iPad with headphones on while parents chatted amongst themselves.

I’d hate this. I dont want to be in a restaurant where no one is chatting and enjoying them selves. Or around a pool where the kids aren’t playing together. I mean isn’t that the point of going to these big hotels? For the atmosphere.

Ive never been to a big AI hotel. I think they sound dreadful. We self cater and go to restaurants for dinner. If your kids can’t manage a couple of hours sat at a table conversing what are they going to do when they are older and are expected to be able to do this for work?

Children change a lot between toddlerhood and 21. I wouldn't necessarily assume that a boisterous or overtired little child who is having trouble sitting still through an hours long, boring dinner will grow into adulthood without the requisite social skills.

You’re not being unreasonable.
The damage being done to those kids will evident soon enough.
It’s not judgemental to be worried about the growing dependence on screen time.

I’m all for if it occupies you child at a time they may need it then go for it. My 7 year old hasn’t touched a device since been on holiday. My 4 year old has had some downtime in the afternoon when she’s a bit warm and wants to relax she’s watched one of her shows on my phone, I see no issue with this.

It's so hard to control. They're addictive

I try to limit my child's screen time but on holiday it's hard when you see other kids on ipads eating

We generally say no screen until everyone has finished eating

When dining out, we always take colouring, stickers etc