Is it actually me not them? Kids and screens

[Goforththenorth]

Just got back from a lovely holiday at a family friendly hotel abroad. Exclusively British/Irish clientele.

I couldn’t believe the amount of device time I saw that didn’t include the airport/plane - tablets, phones and hand held consoles. All the time - poolside, at meal times, everywhere I turned there were kids plugged into devices, a lot of the time with headphones.

My DC are neurodivergent (one certainly, suspect the other is too) and when occupied on screens, they’re quiet and don’t bother us, so I can see the appeal (I watched a film in relative peace on the return flight because they were playing games on screens the whole time).

But…I couldn’t believe it. I purposely don’t take screens to meals out in the UK because, maybe especially because my DC are the way they are, I think it helps to teach them that sometimes they have to wait, a bit of patience. I always take colouring, stickers or books and magazines. My eldest with ADHD and DCD really struggles with sitting with zero to occupy him, I’d say it’s nigh on impossible. So it really does take a lot of energy to occupy him while he’s waiting for food to arrive in a restaurant without a screen. We only go to family friendly places. Can’t say if this helps as he’s not great at controlling the ants in his pants if we’re not there to help him control them. But knowing him, having a tablet at a meal once would be a slippery slope to having one every single time.

On holiday, it was an all inclusive buffet so there was none of that waiting for food - DC were in heaven able to get up and help themselves without waiting. Still everywhere I saw kids plugged into their screens whilst eating. Same at the pool, my DC love the water so are happy for a good while, but if they had the option of a tablet or console poolside there would’ve been a lot less pool time.

But seeing as we were in the minority, I’m wondering if it’s in fact me that is old fashioned, too strict with screens, and need to relax a bit? My DM was VERY strict. My DC get what I feel is a lot of screens at home, but I have to control it. I’m wondering if that’s a problem in itself, if I was more relaxed would they want it less in the end. They are definitely not super well behaved, so it’s not like I think I’m winning at parenting!

YANBU - it’s unusual for DC to be on screens so much on holiday

YABU - it’s you, you tech dinosaur, get with the times and relax about screens

Yes my ADHD DS struggles massively with sitting still (DCD doesn’t help) and also concentrating, as you can imagine due to his condition. So part of me does think, if he can do it, surely NT DC can?! Although, again, it’s hard work keeping control of him, so who am I really trying to please, I should just give him a screen 😅

Who knows but really why do you care? It seems to be your only trying to make yourself seem a better parent by dragging others down.

people are on holiday and are doing what works for them. Stop judging others and focus on enjoy your own trip!

If that's one of the battles you choose to fight, then that's a choice you've made. Other people make different choices for their families. I have limited appetite for engaging an overtired 5yo in 'family time' at 8pm at night.

Yup. I've got ND DC who are great at self regulation although high school age now.
Was completely horrified at an extended family Christmas Dinner about two years ago when two of the small children (aged 2 and 4) had tablets put in front of them (NT, no issues). My DC with no filter did observe loudly 'that's so rude'

This thread is dumpster fire.

and the cynical part of my brain think it was started for this reason.

The whole ‘well my kids is and and I engage with them so they don’t need screens’ is disingenuous. What works for one child, wether ND or NT, doesn’t work for all.

My ND ds self regulates with screens really well. I wouldn’t be going round telling other parents that because I managed to get ds to self regulate they should be able to do it with their kids and there shouldn’t be upset when screen time is over.

These threads always attract the ‘oh my child never gets screen time’ or ‘I would never do that because I am an interested parent’ let’s be honest, these threads are just for people to judge other parents.

Then comes shit like the above comment as though ADHD is misbehaviour. I mean Wtf?

Most people, I know, who do use screens when eating out do it for one reason. They are nervous about kids pissing people off. They want to go out, but they are worried their child being a child will annoy someone so go prepared and let the kids do what they want that will keep them quiet.

This thread is quite ableist. It’s really judgmental. And it’s jumped straight to ‘ohhh I would never be that bad of a parent’ .

I had the same thought on holiday too. I am fairly relaxed about screen time but on holiday the screens stay in the room. DD (5) is allowed it in the morning when she wakes up as playing might wake others and in the period of time between getting back from pool / beach and dinner.

DD is, as far as we know, NT and we still need activities to keep her occupied at dinner but we tend to take colouring or a small toy or game.

There is a time and place for screens - they are a god send on the plane when other options are limited. But I hate seeing kids shoved in front of them at times that should be for social interaction - these kids will never learn to interact appropriately if they’re not given the chance.

I work in a school where phones are completely banned. It’s lovely at lunchtime seeing teenagers actually sitting around talking to each other.

Then you are wrong.

Your ds is one child. Ju at because something works for one ND child, doesn’t mean it must work for all NT children.

I have adhd. My ds is ND. In some ways he was actually a lot easier than his NT older sister.

I was easier to raise than my NT older brother on a lot of ways. Things that worked for me, did not work for dbro and vice versa.

Why not just parent hoe you feel is best for your kids and knock the judgment of others on the head.

To be fair op you see a screen shot into many peoples lives. When you where on the plane and watched your film and your dc had a screen, someone may have seen you and then decided you do this all the time too and judge. But you don't! And even if you did, that's no one else's business..

Unfortunately screens are the way of the world now. Adults can't even regulate themselves at the best part so not sure what people are accepting from children.

I've embraced tech. My kids aren't glued to it all day and self regulate. But that's because they have been given options. They don't just watch YouTube. They make and edit videos, learning to code. Sometimes they do a little project and research and make a presentation etc.

Screens aren't the devil and aren't all bad. Don't stop them using then teach them how to self regulate!

I do have a snigger to myself reading a couple of comments from those who don't yet have children. Until you have a child you have no clue what you'll come up against, I thought I'd have no screens at all till age 5 then only an hour a day or so. Unfortunately screens are addictive, and although I don't have iPads or tablets my child asks to watch the TV a lot. So I have to either battle constantly or sometimes give in, and make sure he's getting plenty of other stimulation and activity. It's really hard work when screens are just everywhere, everyone addicted to them even out and about in public.

@Holidaystress11 we definitely got some judgement on the plane as my 5 year old played on a tablet for 2 hours solid and then when it was time to land and turn it off he cried!

The rest of your post is kind of what triggered this thread - tech is and will be such a huge part of our lives, and our kids’ future jobs. I wish I knew more about other things like what your kids do on them - more creative things. We have an iPad which my DC only play mindless games on, and then my 7 year old has a Switch, which can be a social thing too as he’s always asking for us to play with him on it. But again it’s just games, nothing creative. He doesn’t have Minecraft. I feel like I need to relax, expose them more and maybe ease off the restrictions. But have no idea how to approach that!

I'm with you, op. I don't judge individual parents for allowing their children to use screens- after all, you never know someone else's circumstances- but I think as a society we've become far too reliant on screens both as a way of keeping children amused and for ourselves (she says, typing on a laptop). I'm pleased that my kids were little before reliance on phones and tablets became the norm as I'm sure I would have succumbed.

Scratch for the little ones. It's an app you can download and teaches them the beginnings and foundations of coding. ( I found this a few years ago and then to my delight, when they started school they started using it there too!) My 10 and 8 year old are now starting to learn to use python and have made calculators with it as a start. This isn't my doing. They spend time at the weekend with a friends son who's getting ready for uni and he teaches them. (Normal in our community, my kids will probably do the same with whatever skills they have when they are older)

And honestly it's just googling things yourself and finding things. Tech can be amazing. Just need to do a bit of research via the tech!

I can't remember up thread how old your dc was and I've typed this all out so can't go back without copying and pasting everything again.

If they do a project we use Google slides and they will make a PowerPoint. I'm quite good with tech but just through messing around with it!

My eldest now has a YouTube channel and he makes and edits videos and I have to approve them before posting. He's not got a huge following or anything but he's learning a lot of skills and improved his confidence. However, I realise this isn't ideal for kids and he is very sensible and I have to see everything and regularly check in on him.

They ofcourse play roblox and other things too but it doesn't have to be all bad!

Bbc bitesize was always good when I last looked at it. (It was a while ago)

Duo lingo for a language. Ideal for kids... and many more things

There is a time and place for screens

And as this thread has shown, that time and place is different for different families. Everyone of course thinks their "rules" are the best and most appropriate.

@Goforththenorth

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=org.scratchjr.android

This I'd the link fot scratch.

8 and 10 year old want to learn to touch type and there's practice software online. I use it to keep my speed up. They want to learn short hand too, as do I, to improve their note taking.

My kids aren't top levels at school. We are all quite average. I decided that now or later tech will be a huge part of their life so I decided to embrace it and teach them how to use it to their advantage. The only thing I draw a line at is kindles! They read paper 'actual' books rather than on a device and I'm planning to send them to the secondary school that DOESN'T use tablets for every lesson! Ironic I know, but handwriting is a skill I sint want them to lose! As when it comes to exams they will be hand written.

I'm all for tech but just teach them how to use it to their advantage alongside for entertainment and to self regulate. It's not all or nothing

I don’t believe you. You’ve probably saw one or two families doing this at the restaurant and decided to come onto Mumsnet to tell everyone how superior you are.

People are different. It doesn't have to mean someone is right and someone is wrong.

My DD was in the pool or playground on holiday from virtually the moment she woke up. By 7pm I was tired and if a bit of time on her tablet after she’d eaten her dinner meant DH and I could sit with a glass of wine and not answer 48,000 questions from a 5 year old I was going to use it.

The biggest problem parents are dealing with today is judgement from other parents. My advice would be to just focus on yourself and what works for your family and allow others to do what works for them. All families are struggling with different issues, life is hard enough without this constant " Is it me" or whatever rubbish makes you feel better about yourself.

YANBU,. I see this so often, and kids simply miss out on experiences. Even playing in the pool, they'll find other children, not necessarily the same nationality/language, to play with and between them they work out the art of communication. As a child I recall understanding and learning simple phrases including how to swear in Italian

We are like this too.

No screens at table or by the pool.

On the long journey here screens 👍 on the motorway and 👎 when off motorway so we could all look around at France.

Everyone has to help wash up set table etc.

Otherwise screens

Saw a family of 4 on holiday, all of them on screens every breakfast, kids i-pads at full volume, drove me mad

@BelindaBears no you have to answer 48,000 questions to get the 'parent of the year' medal but only according to a couple of superior feeling parents but rest assured, the majority don't actually give a crap how others entertain their kids because they have their own to worry about.

Lucyboat, nah, I normally do on trains etc, but I knew this would cause too much of a scene

Whilst you are busy judging someone for letting their kid use an iPad, someone else could be judging you for taking your kids to a boring all inclusive complex and expecting them to find it interesting. 😉