AIBU to refuse to do as my brother-in-law instructs?

[MsHardy]

My sister is one of the sweetest and most supportive people in the world, but she's quite passive and a people pleaser. I can relate to that as we both have struggled with that! However, she has married a guy who I like in lots of ways BUT he can be, imo, a little controlling. He wants things done on his timetable and likes to make most of the decisions. He also has a bit of a chip on his shoulder about wanting others that he perceives to have been dealt a more privileged hand in life to do things for him.

They came to stay with me recently and while I loved spending time with my sister and her daughter, I came away feeling like the hired help.

Here are some of the things that upset me...

• My sister asked me to order breakfasts, lunches and dinners for them as they were trying to be frugal (which I dutifully did and foot the bill) - then proceeded to not eat most of it and order while out every day
• They don't drive, so asked me to sort getting a car seat before they arrived, and then expected lifts everywhere, even when public transport would be easier/cheaper
• Wanted me to drive their 1 year old around for 1hr+ so she would nap in the car, even though as they don't drive she never usually needs this - I used 45 quid of fuel over a 4-day trip
• He dictated exactly when we did everything and expected me to drop everything - I was instructed to collect them in the mornings from their hotel with short notice, I wasn't even given time to go to the toilet let alone make a packed lunch before it was suddenly time to leave the house for day trip etc
• I feel sister's partner overstepped boundaries in my house - he would lie down and go to sleep on the only sofa so my sister and I sat on the floor with DD, constantly asked for expensive drinks and snacks, eat well more than his fair share of (enormous) dinners I made so my sister went without etc
• One day he walked in, turned on the oven at 4pm and said 'it's dinner time' and proceeded to monitor that I was cooking the meal quickly enough - it made me so upset I started to have a panic attack

AIBU to say something to my sister (I am genuinely a bit worried)? What should I do next time they visit?

Omg don't have him visit again. Tell your sister to come without him or if she cant, then you need to refuse to do those things that you've listed.
Tell them you're being frugal too.

What do you mean next time they visit?

They wouldn't be visiting me again with attitudes and behaviour like that.

Oh for God's sake, why did you do any of that?

You need to look into some counselling or therapy if you complied with any of those demand.

Can you see your sister without her husband being there? He is more than a bit controlling and you are a bit more than a people pleaser. This man is VILE and the last thing he needs is people jumping to attention when he makes unreasonable demands.

Why didn’t you say ‘no’?

Next time?

Lolz, he wouldn't be welcome in my home for a next time, you can invite your sister and niece alone. And if the behaviour continues from your sister then speak up.

You’ve literally let him walk all over you. He behaved appallingly and you let him.

This.

None of those things are at all reasonable expectations from a guest.

Why the fuck did you dance to his tune? He sound's like a fucking arsehole.

You stop being a doormat and tell them to do what they usually do about getting their daughter to sleep.

And if he walks in and turns the oven on, you turn it off & give them a bowl of cereal.

That is definitely not 'slightly' controlling!

This.

Tell her straight if she wants to visit she comes by herself with her children, if she wants to bring him then unfortunately she won't be able to visit.

Your sister may put up with being abused, but doesn't mean you have too.

Also give her the number for womens aid.

Your sister doesn’t sound much better than him tbh

oh and you need to find a spine

I can't understand why you didn't say anything ...
I can't see your bil doing anything more than your sister. Why aren't you annoyed with her?

You way would I have sat passively with poor behaviour like that I would have called them "both" out

You hardly set your sister a good example Op

Your sister sounds no better than her partner, they both sound like they took the piss the whole time. More fool you for not using your words and saying ‘no’! There wouldn’t be a ‘next time’ if it were me.

Sorry but you sound like a complete doormat and your sister is no better. Why weren't they pitching in and sharing the cost.

If it were me there wouldn't be a next time.

They sound as bad a each other, learn the word no, that is one thing you can't blame them for

YABVVU for letting this happen in your home. Before speaking to your sister about her passiveness and people pleasing ways you need to deal with yours!

which I dutifully did and foot the bill)
you are as passive as your sister

this thread is very fu**ing odd!

Snap! Cross post

People treat us how we allow them to.
‘No.’
’I won’t be doing that, but feel free to go yourselves.’
’no thanks’
’if you want to order food, the address is ———‘

You can’t let people make a complete fool of you and then whine about it.

This is on you. If you lie down people will walk all over you.

I wouldn’t have ordered food for them more than once after it became clear they expected me to foot the bill and didn’t even eat the food.
i would not have dropped everything to taxi them around. I’m busy public transport is easy quick and cheaper than my fuel.
I’d have asked BIL to get up off my sofa as I want to sit on it. Why would you sit on the floor?

yes your BIL & DSIS absolutely were rude, but why are you so meek with your time, personal space and money? Grow a backbone.