AIBU to refuse to do as my brother-in-law instructs?

[MsHardy]

My sister is one of the sweetest and most supportive people in the world, but she's quite passive and a people pleaser. I can relate to that as we both have struggled with that! However, she has married a guy who I like in lots of ways BUT he can be, imo, a little controlling. He wants things done on his timetable and likes to make most of the decisions. He also has a bit of a chip on his shoulder about wanting others that he perceives to have been dealt a more privileged hand in life to do things for him.

They came to stay with me recently and while I loved spending time with my sister and her daughter, I came away feeling like the hired help.

Here are some of the things that upset me...

• My sister asked me to order breakfasts, lunches and dinners for them as they were trying to be frugal (which I dutifully did and foot the bill) - then proceeded to not eat most of it and order while out every day
• They don't drive, so asked me to sort getting a car seat before they arrived, and then expected lifts everywhere, even when public transport would be easier/cheaper
• Wanted me to drive their 1 year old around for 1hr+ so she would nap in the car, even though as they don't drive she never usually needs this - I used 45 quid of fuel over a 4-day trip
• He dictated exactly when we did everything and expected me to drop everything - I was instructed to collect them in the mornings from their hotel with short notice, I wasn't even given time to go to the toilet let alone make a packed lunch before it was suddenly time to leave the house for day trip etc
• I feel sister's partner overstepped boundaries in my house - he would lie down and go to sleep on the only sofa so my sister and I sat on the floor with DD, constantly asked for expensive drinks and snacks, eat well more than his fair share of (enormous) dinners I made so my sister went without etc
• One day he walked in, turned on the oven at 4pm and said 'it's dinner time' and proceeded to monitor that I was cooking the meal quickly enough - it made me so upset I started to have a panic attack

AIBU to say something to my sister (I am genuinely a bit worried)? What should I do next time they visit?

Do you have a partner OP? Any children?

You really beed to speak to your sister alone. He sounds awful.

@Flipflipmania that's irrelevant.

Where did this happen, Stepford? Gilead?

Did you not say NO to this clown? No time to go to the toilet before going to pick them up? Haha no way. Monitoring how fast you cooked dinner? Ask him to take over if it’s not going fast enough for his liking. Cheeky git.

I can't believe what I've just read! Speechless doesn't cover it! He's unbelievably rude and entitled and you just let him get away with it!

But it is because

a) her partner may be the equivalent of the BIL given the OP’s complete lack of awareness that she’s the same as her sister

b) if her partner isn’t like her BIL then it is unfathomable that he has allowed this to occur both in his home and to his partner

c) what the hell kind of example is the op setting her children

Why on earth didn't you tell him to fuck off the very first moment he demanded anything? What on earth happened to you and your sister as kids for this insane behaviour to be normalised?

What a Dick her husband is, he is a controlling loser, is he too lazy or too stupid to learn to drive?
I also think you are silly to agree to these ridiculous demands, who does he think he is? Your sister is wrong too as she facilitates this. I am afraid as they say on mumsnet he is a CF

I seriously cannot believe this post. Why would any self respecting person put up with this? Bizarre

It sounds like your sister is in a marriage with a controlling narcistic man. Is it possible to try and speak to her alone? have you any family members to share this with? Must be so difficult.

What was your childhood home like, that both yourself and your sister tolerate any amount of this behaviour?

You need to stop him in his tracks and say no - why did you let him walk all over you?

Why on earth would you (or your sister, or anyone in the world really!!) accept this? I agree with the suggestion that counselling might be good for you, you need to understand that this is not ok and learn to be more assertive.

I know you say you are a "people pleaser" (I'm never quite sure if this is meant to be a boast!) however you can open your mouth and say "no", you just chose not to.

I am not a subscriber to the belief that "no is a complete sentence" however it would be very easy to push back on these requests. "No, I won't drive your child for an hour, that is insane especially when you don't do it. What a waste of fuel".

"There is a bus stop / train station nearby. I am done with driving, I would like a rest (or a drink!).

You say you "weren't given time to go to the toilet". Did you just meekly say yes when he 'expected' or 'demanded' something? How about "give me a minute, I haven't been to the loo yet" or "no, that doesn't suit me. I'm tired, fed up of driving everywhere" or whatever.

This man is not your boss. Ignore whatever he 'expects' or 'demands'. Seriously, do you let everyone walk all over you?

YANBU, his attitude is way OTT.
For next time, assuming there is one, I would manage his expectation early as to what you will or won't be doing.
For example, I won't be driving DN around so that she can sleep.
If I am picking up, I need it planned the day before or with X amount of time to prepare.
If I am preparing a meal, it will be done on my schedule.
Decide was is or isn't acceptable for you, let them know ahead of time and stick to it. They will be forewarned so have plenty of time to work out whether to accept the arrangements or find an alternative solution that does not put you out (using public transport/ sorting out their own food, etc...).

My sister asked me to order breakfasts, lunches and dinners for them as they were trying to be frugal (which I dutifully did and foot the bill) - then proceeded to not eat most of it and order while out every day

Your sister is not sweet, she's a CF. They're being frugal at YOUR expense.

Don't let them stay again.

Do they ever host you?

In relation to the breakfasts and the other stuff, I'd definitely have to say something along the lines of this:
"Just wanted to say how lovely it was to see you all recently. I have a bit of a sticky situation though and I'm hoping that you will see your way to helping getting it resolved.
You asked specifically for breakfasts, lunches and dinners to be ordered for you and this put an additional cost on to my usual shopping. You're aware that we're in a cost of living crisis and I cannot either afford for food to go to waste (it did) or order unnecessary food at foot the bill myself so I'm hoping that you could see your way to reimbursing me 50% of the cost of the food that was ordered specifically for you.
Also, I spent an extra 45 quid on petrol for the car driving DN for her afternoon nap and I simply don't have the money to spend on that so you will have to reimburse me for the full amount there.
I realise this may be coming out of the blue and I've thought long and hard about asking for this money to be reimbursed to me before sending this message but I'm very sure you'll understand that these were expenses that I wasn't expecting and wouldn't have incurred under normal circumstances.
I look forward to hearing from you and for the next meet up, All the best MsHardy"

I'm not sure you can do/say much about the car seat issue, them getting lifts (but next time have some public transport travel tickets already bought so it's not an option, or schedule it for the time when your car needs a valet or service or both) or the BiL dictating when you did everything. You can respond the next time you see him if he says "Jump" you say "I have to go to the toilet first. I'll see you out in the car". Use your words. Just because he says "Jump", you are not under any obligation to say "How high sir?" and follow his instructions. After all, this visit was in your house, not his.
Again, when he was stretched out on the sofa, you tap his legs and get him to sit up and not spread himself everywhere. There's manspreading and then there's MANNNspreading. He was doing the latter. The expensive drinks are responded to with "I'm sorry, we only have water or squash here. We don't like X, Y or Z drinks" and don't have any in the home.
The eating more than his fare share you answer with "Oi Brian, leave some for the rest of us!" and his monitoring your cooking you should have thrown a joke in (with enough sharpness to show you knew what he was doing) by saying "With you hovering around, I feel like I'm in the kitchens in Masterchef and not my own relaxing environment. Why don't you take DN out for a little walk before dinner is served?" as is 'get the hell out of my kitchen you wierdo!'

With the utmost respect, you (and I'm guessing your sister too) are far too passive here.
Find your voice and don't be putting up with any more of those shenanigans.

Why did you just go along with everything??? This is crazy???

You sat on the floor in your own house because he was asleep on the sofa?

You really need to stop being so passive.

WHY BOTHER AT ALL

He's a total weirdo. Don't invite him round again - make every excuse necessary but avoid, avoid. Or meet your sister in a cafe or whatever.

This was going to be my question.

I feel some people are being unduly harsh to the OP here. Yes it’s ridiculous that BIL behaved that way, but with no context we don’t know what the sisters have grown up with.

OP, just for reference, when someone comes to stay, they often bring a gift and will cook a meal, take you out or buy a take away. They certainly don’t insist you drive them and their children around at your expense, insist you cook and make no valid contribution or show no appreciation for your hospitality.

You should feel excited to see guests and spend time with them.

You can say no to future visits. If you are afraid of him or for your sister, tell them you simply cannot afford it.

I'm genuinely aghast that you did any of these things!

He does not own you or the rights to control you. I would have refused to get involved in any of that nonsense BIL or not.

Moving forwards - tell your sister frankly and firmly that he is no longer welcome in your house and you are no longer his (or indeed her) hired help in any way shape or form.

These responses have really opened my eyes, and while some of them stung, I am really grateful to everyone who took the time to reply to make it clear that I had good reason to be upset.

I did feel that I was fairly assertive over the days they were with me, but clearly not enough! It's hard because he is not controlling in an overt way - for example, the requests to collect them from hotel in x minutes is made in a polite way, but if you say no and suggest an alternative, they will just ask again, emphasising how much more convenient it would be for them.

Those who pointed out that my sister, as a people pleaser, would have been mortified by all this - she was. She apologised a few times on his behalf and thanked me multiple times for the effort I had gone to when we were alone. I wish I had taken the opportunity to ask her if she was OK as it was the only time we had together without him there.

When I say no to him or make clear that I am unhappy, my sister finds this deeply uncomfortable - clearly it would be more convenient for her if I played along which is largely why I did. But I wish I hadn't as now I am a doormat too, as many of you have pointed out!

I did say how I felt at the end of the trip and it was very very awkward. He said nothing and left the room. It will be interesting to see what happens going forward, I need to take a long think about what to do.

You enabled him
Pure and simple