Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to do as my brother-in-law instructs?

235 replies

MsHardy · 24/08/2023 11:07

My sister is one of the sweetest and most supportive people in the world, but she's quite passive and a people pleaser. I can relate to that as we both have struggled with that! However, she has married a guy who I like in lots of ways BUT he can be, imo, a little controlling. He wants things done on his timetable and likes to make most of the decisions. He also has a bit of a chip on his shoulder about wanting others that he perceives to have been dealt a more privileged hand in life to do things for him.

They came to stay with me recently and while I loved spending time with my sister and her daughter, I came away feeling like the hired help.

Here are some of the things that upset me...

  • My sister asked me to order breakfasts, lunches and dinners for them as they were trying to be frugal (which I dutifully did and foot the bill) - then proceeded to not eat most of it and order while out every day
  • They don't drive, so asked me to sort getting a car seat before they arrived, and then expected lifts everywhere, even when public transport would be easier/cheaper
  • Wanted me to drive their 1 year old around for 1hr+ so she would nap in the car, even though as they don't drive she never usually needs this - I used 45 quid of fuel over a 4-day trip
  • He dictated exactly when we did everything and expected me to drop everything - I was instructed to collect them in the mornings from their hotel with short notice, I wasn't even given time to go to the toilet let alone make a packed lunch before it was suddenly time to leave the house for day trip etc
  • I feel sister's partner overstepped boundaries in my house - he would lie down and go to sleep on the only sofa so my sister and I sat on the floor with DD, constantly asked for expensive drinks and snacks, eat well more than his fair share of (enormous) dinners I made so my sister went without etc
  • One day he walked in, turned on the oven at 4pm and said 'it's dinner time' and proceeded to monitor that I was cooking the meal quickly enough - it made me so upset I started to have a panic attack

AIBU to say something to my sister (I am genuinely a bit worried)? What should I do next time they visit?

OP posts:
Flipflipmania · 24/08/2023 11:22

Both he and your sister are rude and piss takers

both you and your sister are as passive and martyrish as I think I have ever read

QforCucumber · 24/08/2023 11:22

I'm confused as to why you accommodated any of that?

Car Seat - fine. Lifts everywhere - not fine.
Driving the toddler around - 'ah sorry no I'm not doing that right now, you're welcome to use the bedroom to get her down for a sleep though'
I wasn't even given time to go to the toilet let alone make a packed lunch 'I'll be with you at 10, not earlier, I have things to get ready here'
he would lie down and go to sleep on the only sofa so my sister and I sat on the floor with DD 'oi get up, there's not only you here you know, go back to the hotel if you're tired'
asked for expensive drinks and snacks I don't have those in, but we do have x,y,z'

One day he walked in, turned on the oven at 4pm and said 'it's dinner time' 'oh lovely what are you making? You're not? ah well that's a shame, I'm not starting dinner until 6'

AccidentallyWesAnderson · 24/08/2023 11:23

Why did you go any of that?! Madness.

Flipflipmania · 24/08/2023 11:23

My sister is one of the sweetest and most supportive people in the world,

she isn’t op. She really really isn’t.

Avatartar · 24/08/2023 11:23

None of this makes any sense - you don’t have to stay in a hotel but you do have to eat. Why stay in a hotel and get you to feed them if they’re being frugal - you are being a doormat

fruitbrewhaha · 24/08/2023 11:24

I think perhaps you are your sister are quite alike.

When they rang in the morning and said come now, all you had to say was “ok I’ll be an hour or so, I’ll make up a packed lunch”, if they’d said no come now, you just say “No, I’ll be with you in an hour”

You shouldn’t have run out the door needing the loo.

EbiRaisukaree · 24/08/2023 11:24

He would have been out of my house on day one with my toe up his arse if he was myBIL.

OP, it’s a sad reflection of your lack of self esteem that a) you did all this stuff and b) you have to ask if it’s reasonable to ‘say something’ to your sister!

None of this is acceptable even to someone you are paying for services. You were treated like a bank, a nanny, a housekeeper and a cook, but without the respect people usually show towards their employees. I would write up an itemised bill for their stay, and send it to him. Include everything - fuel, shopping, your time and everything else.

Meanwhile, talk to your sister privately, somewhere he can’t access. He is a terrible human being who undoubtedly controls her. She will need help to escape if her life is anything like the snapshot you describe here.

becarefulofyourheart · 24/08/2023 11:24

Where’s he visiting from, 1887?

ApolloandDaphne · 24/08/2023 11:24

Why on earth did you agree to any of this? You should have refused from the very first demand. He has walked all over you and you allowed it. He would never set foot in my house again.

GameOverBoys · 24/08/2023 11:24

BIL- ‘come and pick us up now’
You - ‘no I haven’t even had breakfast, you need to give me a time or more warning’
BIL - ‘make the dinner’
You - ‘I don’t like being watched like a child, please leave the kitchen’
You need to grow a back bone or stop having him around. He acts this way because you let him. It’s 100% his fault but he won’t change so all you can do is change how you react to him.

ManateeFair · 24/08/2023 11:25

Fuck.
Ing.
Hell.

I appreciate that you don't want to upset your sister, but I really cannot fathom why you didn't just tell your BIL, at the very least, to get lost. They made you provide three meals a day for them, get a car seat for them, drive their child round for an hour and demand that you picked them up from their hotel immediately whenever they felt like it? And then told you when to start cooking dinner? This is not normal.

The fact that you describe this behaviour as 'a little' controlling, and also that you didn't feel able to say no to any of these batshit demands and still 'like him in lots of ways', suggests that like your sister you definitely do have some boundary issues. You've been incredibly passive about all this. However, you obviously do see that there's a problem and I think you are definitely right to be worried about your sister - I would be extremely concerned if my sister was married to a man like that.

Can you have a conversation with your sister about your concerns without her husband being there? Do you have any other family you could discuss this with?

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 24/08/2023 11:25

0 Sympathy here.

Nobody made you do anything, you chose to do it and then decided to complain afterwards.

Assuming this is real you have nobody to blame but yourself.

AvocadotoastORahouse · 24/08/2023 11:26

Jeez I'm sorry to be so rude but goodness - how much of a doormat are you? WHY did you agree to ANY of this?

His first demand would have met with a laugh here and a firm nope.

I cannot believe you let them do ANY of those things. Not "allowed" to be going to the toilet? He can FUCK OFF! And I wouldn't have driven the kid round - or you should have asked for petrol money!

Send your sister the list, say all of these things you've realised in retrospect are unacceptable, controlling, and wasteful of your time AND money. For any future visits, these are the rules ... and spell them out.

Takacupokindnessyet · 24/08/2023 11:27

I don't think they're is any point talking to your sister about it as you have already said she is a people pleaser and won't say no.
If you agree to another visit it is up to you to say no when needed and if you find this difficult then perhaps seek some assertiveness training beforehand.

HoppingPavlova · 24/08/2023 11:29

I also don’t understand why you did any of this.
They can feed themselves. A joint meal here and there at your house is fine but not all meals.
When they ‘demanded’ you pick them up, why not say ‘I’m not free but I can swing by around 11, if that’s too late for you then just start your day and we’ll catch up later’. I can’t even imagine what would happen if someone came into my home, turned my oven on and supervised me making a meal. I certainly wouldn’t have done it and at absolute minimum I would have asked them what the fuck they think they are doing, and probably best for them to leave and go to a restaurant where they can eat as and when they like.

SecondhandSalute · 24/08/2023 11:29

Takacupokindnessyet · 24/08/2023 11:27

I don't think they're is any point talking to your sister about it as you have already said she is a people pleaser and won't say no.
If you agree to another visit it is up to you to say no when needed and if you find this difficult then perhaps seek some assertiveness training beforehand.

Hmm. If the sister were actually a people-pleaser in the traditional sense, she’d have been horrified at the mere idea of putting the OP to all that trouble and expense on their visit. There’s more going on.

Merryoldgoat · 24/08/2023 11:30

Why would you have them back?!

I’d have said something whilst they were there and I’d definitely say to my sister that her husband is a twat (albeit in more delicate language).

VainAbigail · 24/08/2023 11:31

”next time” they come it will happen again. And the time after that and the time after that and so on a so forth until you grow a backbone and say NO to these people.

more than his fair share of (enormous) dinners I made so my sister went without

Your sister needed to use her words here and not choose to go ‘without’, I can’t believe the ridiculousness of it.

Banditqueen12 · 24/08/2023 11:31

UsernameNotAvailableNow · 24/08/2023 11:16

You’ve literally let him walk all over you. He behaved appallingly and you let him.

I agree with this. But if I am brutally honest, your sister is as bad. You are making excuses for her, but she is allowing / collaborating with his behaviour. She's an adult and more than capable of speaking up. As were you.

widowtwankywashroom · 24/08/2023 11:31

You and your sister are cut from the same cloth
He gets away with it as you both allow him to
End of discussion
Grow a spine or it will continue and get worse

Sigmama · 24/08/2023 11:31

Give them the number of a driving school

escapingthecity · 24/08/2023 11:32

No way would I have driven them anywhere, and certainly not round for an hour to get their kid to sleep. Don't be a doormat! Don't have them to stay again and if they ask why not then be honest that you didn't feel comfortable with the way he treated you and made you unhappy in your own horn.

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 24/08/2023 11:33

Somehow i don’t think the AI OP will be back.

Flipflipmania · 24/08/2023 11:34

Sigmama · 24/08/2023 11:31

Give them the number of a driving school

And yet more spoon feeding!

don’t do a thing op

although I would say that far far too late because anyone who behaves as you did on this visit - has been like this all their life. It’s the fact that you are worried about your sister that is baffling

SecondhandSalute · 24/08/2023 11:34

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 24/08/2023 11:33

Somehow i don’t think the AI OP will be back.

I haven’t given this stuff enough thought outside the context of student essays. What are the hallmarks on here?

Swipe left for the next trending thread