AIBU to refuse to do as my brother-in-law instructs?

[MsHardy]

My sister is one of the sweetest and most supportive people in the world, but she's quite passive and a people pleaser. I can relate to that as we both have struggled with that! However, she has married a guy who I like in lots of ways BUT he can be, imo, a little controlling. He wants things done on his timetable and likes to make most of the decisions. He also has a bit of a chip on his shoulder about wanting others that he perceives to have been dealt a more privileged hand in life to do things for him.

They came to stay with me recently and while I loved spending time with my sister and her daughter, I came away feeling like the hired help.

Here are some of the things that upset me...

• My sister asked me to order breakfasts, lunches and dinners for them as they were trying to be frugal (which I dutifully did and foot the bill) - then proceeded to not eat most of it and order while out every day
• They don't drive, so asked me to sort getting a car seat before they arrived, and then expected lifts everywhere, even when public transport would be easier/cheaper
• Wanted me to drive their 1 year old around for 1hr+ so she would nap in the car, even though as they don't drive she never usually needs this - I used 45 quid of fuel over a 4-day trip
• He dictated exactly when we did everything and expected me to drop everything - I was instructed to collect them in the mornings from their hotel with short notice, I wasn't even given time to go to the toilet let alone make a packed lunch before it was suddenly time to leave the house for day trip etc
• I feel sister's partner overstepped boundaries in my house - he would lie down and go to sleep on the only sofa so my sister and I sat on the floor with DD, constantly asked for expensive drinks and snacks, eat well more than his fair share of (enormous) dinners I made so my sister went without etc
• One day he walked in, turned on the oven at 4pm and said 'it's dinner time' and proceeded to monitor that I was cooking the meal quickly enough - it made me so upset I started to have a panic attack

AIBU to say something to my sister (I am genuinely a bit worried)? What should I do next time they visit?

You were a doormat, next time don’t be a doormat. Problem solved.

This. Most people when told to jump wouldn't say how high.

This. I wouldn't have done any of those things.

This post is a wind-up, surely? I cannot believe it could actually be true.

But on the off-chance that it is is - OP, you and your sister are both in big trouble, and need to change your outlook and behaviours urgently. First, can you check on your sister without him being around? She was clearly mortified by his behaviour but is used to it - what is he like at home behind closed doors that she is so unbelievably passive - sitting on floor, not having enough dinner, not interceding about his unreasonable demands etc etc?. I would be seriously worried about her and urge her to get help from Womens Aid if necessary.
Although you are out of pocket because of the visit, please don't ask your sister for money. This will only be destructive of your own relationship with her - and you need each other for support - but it will enrage the awful man, with who knows what consequences for her.
Please help your sister and yourself with counselling and learning to value yourselves a lot more highly.

Have you seen the Apple TV show “bad sisters“ OP? Something to consider 😁

Wow I’ve always been big people pleaser, putting myself out in favour of helping other people (the result of growing up with a narcissist mother) but I’m working on being more assertive now. I thought it was a sign of me being a nice person and a good friend ……. but in reality it’s a result of an abusive childhood and continuing to let people walk all over me as an adult.
But you and your sister are even more extreme than anything I’ve put up with. This man is totally taking you for a ride. He most likely married your sister purely because he can control and manipulate her. And now he thinks he can do the same with you in your own home. You and your sister need to see a therapist and she needs to call womensaid for advice. This is 100% not normal.

I don't understand why anyone would go along with this.
Being 'polite' so as not to offend a rude entitled person makes no sense.

Why on earth didn’t you say something each and every time?

This is such a weird thread. When I read the OP my first reaction was "this must be a wind-up"... However, assuming this is real, I'd like to know more about this last interaction, which I found very odd:

I did say how I felt at the end of the trip and it was very very awkward. He said nothing and left the room.

What did your sister say/do? In your shoes, I'd be deeply concerned about her. I suspect she is being controlled by this deeply unpleasant man.

Both you and your sister seem incapable of setting boundaries and standing up for yourselves. I suspect this is due to your upbringing?

Your sister should read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You both would probably benefit from the Freedom Programme.

Seconded

@MsHardy you wonder 'what happens going forward'. Although you've had some really helpful advice on this thread, there is some caution needed in how you proceed.

Controlling people (if he is genuinely controlling rather than just a selfish, lazy, entitled a-hole) will look for any excuse to isolate their partner from sources of strength and support. So there's a risk that if you go in with a 'f off out of here BIL' approach, he will persude your dsis that you are somehow not nice, mean or disrespecful, or don't love their dc enough to help them sleep, or whatever... He will try to stop her from contacting you because you are a 'bad influence'. I imagine that however hard this is, your sister might go along with it 'for an easy life'. Maybe only contacting you in secret.

Your sister has been capitulating to his demands for a long time. If you tell her that she and dc are welcome, but not her husband, how do you think she coud possibly say that to him? She might find it easier to give in to his demands than yours, and again you risk reducing or losing contact.

If you genuinely think he is controlling, and therefore abusive, it is worth taking professional advice about how best you can interact with your sister around this, and support her.

On the other hand, it is possible that BIL's life and upbringing has been such that he expects every woman to jump to his demands, with no need to be grateful, or to consider the impact. If he had a mother, who did everything for him, never pulled him up on his entitlement, he needs to be re-educated. It doesn't really sound like your sister is up for this. But if he's like this (rather than controlling), he might just say 'your dsis is a mardy cow, you go and visit her, if you like, but I can't be arsed'.

Sometimes the outcome is the same - your people pleaser dsis might feel that leaving him at home while she visits you is somehow 'not being a good wife' (and appearing to the outside world like a good wife and a happy family, may also be really important to her). She may either try to persuade you to change your mind, or she might stay at home with him, so the poor darling isn't upset.

It is such a terrible dynamic.

You are not wrong to be concerned about his risk to your sister as a controlling husband so for that reason I wouldn't come down as hard as I would if this wasn't the case and they were both cf's.

As others have said you definitely need to lay down boundaries, I might start by asking for reimbursement for the meals out and car seat expenses. But I would also stop short of seriously pissing off her husband so that he doesn't reduce contact between the two of you. I have a feeling she will need you in the future.

I don't think he overstepped any boundaries because it doesn't sound like you have any.

@MsHardy

The great Dr Maya Angelou said "You did then what you knew how to do. Now that you know better, you'll do better".

You wanted things to go 'nicely' for your sister and have a pleasant visit so you catered to her controlling bully of a husband. But all that did was leave both of you upset anyway, so there was no point. So, now you know better; there's no point in catering to him at the expense of your pocketbook and peace of mind.

You (as PPs have suggested) need to have a frank conversation with your sister. Firstly to try and winkle out from her whether or not she understands that she's in an abusive relationship. It may be that she's walked on eggshells for so long she no longer recognizes his abuse. Secondly, to offer her any support she needs in either leaving or standing up to him. Thirdly, to make clear to her that with his current behaviour he is not welcome in your home OR that if you do allow him to come again you will very bluntly challenge and refuse every single instance of controlling and demanding behaviour.

I voted YABU but ONLY because I think you're being ridiculous putting up with that crap.

How any adult would jump at someone's instruction, sit on the floor in their own home or allow anyone to walk into their home, turn on the oven and demand dinner without being told to feck right off is literally beyond me!!

Your sister is clearly happy to doormat for this fool. You do not have to and nor should you if you want her to start standing up for herself!

It's outrageous behaviour and you've just sucked it up then come HERE to complain!

Huh? WTAF is this? Why didn't you say something?

You need the great Mumsnet mantra, OP!

'Sorry, that doesn't work for us'.

Rinse and repeat. NO explanations.

He sounds abusive. You probably need to make it clear to your sister that her and niece are always welcome and that you will always be there for her, but as a whole family they are never staying with you again. I wouldn’t have him in my house at all.

In order to see your sister/niece, you could stay near her house and meet her at an attraction/cafe etc.

being frugal means cutting costs, it doesn’t mean passing the costs onto a family member. What a cunt.

Did you grow up in a home where your mum always deferred to your dad?

Yanbu

He sounds awful

More fool you. They're both as bad as each other.

I have said YABU as I feel you acted like a passive participant, like you had no agency.

Yes they asked for all that stuff but you could have said no ay any point. You are letting the CFs (yes plural) walk all over you.

Work on yourself. Say 'No'

@MsHardy - in relation to this part in one of your posts:
"for example, the requests to collect them from hotel in x minutes is made in a polite way, but if you say no and suggest an alternative, they will just ask again, emphasising how much more convenient it would be for them."
The thing here is that they were asking to be collected by you. You held the card here on whether they would be collected as per their timetable (more convenient it would be for them) or whether they would be collected as per your timetable (allow you time for breakfast and to freshen up before you left to collect them). There was always the option of public transport but they (I'm guessing he didn't want to use it) and you could have suggested that and an alternative.
You rolled over and collected as per their timetable. Using this example, you only have yourself to blame here. If you found your words and said "John, Mary (not using their names), I can collect you at 11am after I've had some breakfast or you can get the bus or jump in a taxi if you want to leave earlier. They are the options for you this morning".
That's not being rude or difficult when you have guests/family staying. That is showing that you have to have your breakfast and you'll collect them after that or they can make their own arrangements.

I have 3 older alpha male brothers, who I daily had to verbally stand up to, otherwise I would have been walked all over. As a result I think I have a really good ability to stand up to men in every day life.

I have noticed that my SIL's DH's both dislike me. This is because they are both a pair of arseholes, who control and speak over my SIL's, think they are God's gift to women for some strange reason and like to mansplain and think they are right. There have been many times when I have taken the piss out of their behaviour, and they've been met with many "No"'s.

A starting list for you:

No, sorry. That doesn't work for me.
You have to be having a laugh don't you? You are so funny, asking me to drop everything and come pick you up.
Gosh, I think you have the wrong number. This isn't Uber.
Thanks for mansplaining that BIL. Little old woman me wouldn't have got it, if you hadn't explained it in such simple terms.
I'm sorry, I think you have got me mixed up with someone else. I'm not your housekeeper.

@MsHardy - next Time ?? NEXT TIME? 😧😧Are you for real??

I agree with others. Please try and get your sister to see what a controlling prick she is with and help her to get free of him. You playing along is just making things worse