AIBU to refuse to do as my brother-in-law instructs?

[MsHardy]

My sister is one of the sweetest and most supportive people in the world, but she's quite passive and a people pleaser. I can relate to that as we both have struggled with that! However, she has married a guy who I like in lots of ways BUT he can be, imo, a little controlling. He wants things done on his timetable and likes to make most of the decisions. He also has a bit of a chip on his shoulder about wanting others that he perceives to have been dealt a more privileged hand in life to do things for him.

They came to stay with me recently and while I loved spending time with my sister and her daughter, I came away feeling like the hired help.

Here are some of the things that upset me...

• My sister asked me to order breakfasts, lunches and dinners for them as they were trying to be frugal (which I dutifully did and foot the bill) - then proceeded to not eat most of it and order while out every day
• They don't drive, so asked me to sort getting a car seat before they arrived, and then expected lifts everywhere, even when public transport would be easier/cheaper
• Wanted me to drive their 1 year old around for 1hr+ so she would nap in the car, even though as they don't drive she never usually needs this - I used 45 quid of fuel over a 4-day trip
• He dictated exactly when we did everything and expected me to drop everything - I was instructed to collect them in the mornings from their hotel with short notice, I wasn't even given time to go to the toilet let alone make a packed lunch before it was suddenly time to leave the house for day trip etc
• I feel sister's partner overstepped boundaries in my house - he would lie down and go to sleep on the only sofa so my sister and I sat on the floor with DD, constantly asked for expensive drinks and snacks, eat well more than his fair share of (enormous) dinners I made so my sister went without etc
• One day he walked in, turned on the oven at 4pm and said 'it's dinner time' and proceeded to monitor that I was cooking the meal quickly enough - it made me so upset I started to have a panic attack

AIBU to say something to my sister (I am genuinely a bit worried)? What should I do next time they visit?

I don't blame the sister at all. I'm guessing that she has just become so used to his behaviour that she's probably doesn't even realise how bad it is.

Dont feel bad op. You realise it wasn't right and you've reflected on it. This will now help you to deal with similar situations more effectively now.

Life is full of learning experiences.

I did say how I felt at the end of the trip and it was very very awkward. He said nothing and left the room. It will be interesting to see what happens going forward, I need to take a long think about what to do.

Glad you said something. What did you say?

I really don't think your sister is any better. Letting you order all the food and wasting is on BOTH of them, unless you think he is forcing her.

Let's please not blame OP for a man's controlling behaviour.

When you say you’d prefer to collect them later and he says now is more convenient for him. You say it isn’t for you and hang up!
Sooooo many things you should have said no to.
Why on earth would you consider having him back??

Perhaps you could reach out to your sister to tell her how you feel about everything and to check if she is ok. She clearly knows his behaviour is unacceptable and maybe needs to hear it spelt out loud by someone and the consequences that it could have to the relationship between you both going forward. It's a bit worrying that she only acknowledged his poor behaviour out of earshot of him. I would agree that you need to work on developing your boundaries and the first one should be not to let this twat back into your home.

Yeah you should reach out to your sister to let her know he’s not welcome in your house again.

What should I do next time they visit?

If there is a next time you say no to his unreasonable demands. Simple.

People like him get away with their controlling behaviour because people like you and your sister enable it. Sorry.

He knows that both of you are cut from the same cloth, so he continues to take the piss.

My BIL is a PITA, but he knows not to make unreasonable demands because he knows that I will push back.

I am reminded of signs I have seen in shops that say "please do not ask for credit as refusal often offends". You need to say something along those lines with reference to what he might ask for before he gets a chance to ask for it.

If you could talk your sister without him listening in to her, i defintely would. He sounds awful. She clearly has some inkling if she was apologising for him. Maybe during working hours if she is at home with a baby?

You should have told him sternly to "GET OUT"

Don't allow him to stay again.

Of course the choice is yours. You do need to set up some boundaries so he can't treat you like a doormat.

As a fully signed up "people pleaser" I've realised this is often a nice way of saying "never learned how to manage conflict, would rather cut their own leg off than make a fuss, no boundaries, have doormat written on all over them, likely to be preyed on by takers, secretly hate their own weakness". The fact you and your sister both put up with his appalling behaviour is a big clue as to where it stems from.

Get yourself some therapy. I did, it's helped quite a lot. I also have a friend who is at the opposite end of the spectrum and sometimes I think to myself "hmm, what would XXX do?" and I do that. It's great.

Alternatively, next time just laugh and say "you cannot be serious?".

YABU for acceding to his demands and not quietly asking your sister if she was ok and was he always like this with her and everyone else? Because BIL sounds like a gigantic arsehole.

The sign would read 'please avoid being yourself as doing so often offends'!

Should of told the arsehole to fuck off!!

Your sister is being abused by this neanderthal.

She got uncomfortable and apologized for him as she knows she'll be punished later.

Try to have a sincere talk with her when he's not around.

Your brother-in-law sounds like an idle, arrogant, entitled git. Your sister is not much better, but she has been controlled.

You, on the other hand, are a complete and utter doormat. Why do you let people treat you so badly? You need to work on your self-esteem and stop allowing people to take the piss.

she has married a guy who I like in lots of ways

He sounds like an utter twat. Amazed he has likeable traits.

If anyone came into my kitchen, turned the oven on and said " dinner time " with an expectant look on their face I would be asking what they are making for everyone.

I'm glad you told them how you felt at the end of their visit but I would have added that sister and niece can visit anytime but not BIL unless he decides to behave appropriately.

When I say no to him or make clear that I am unhappy, my sister finds this deeply uncomfortable - clearly it would be more convenient for her if I played along which is largely why I did. But I wish I hadn't as now I am a doormat too, as many of you have pointed out!

You are going to have to explain to your sister that, even if it does make her unhappy, you aren't going to play along any longer. Tell her that if she needs your support in standing up to her husband, you are happy to give it. But ultimately if she decides to stay with him she will have to deal with his reactions.

Wow if I had a family member like this they would not be welcome and much as you get on with your sister she took a lend also and went along with it. Tell them exactly why your upset about it and defo don't do all that for them again.

I just don't understand why you didn't just say no, and keep saying no. So when you said in your second post that he wanted picking up and you said no he then started going on about how much more convenient it was for you to pick him up, why the hell didn't you just say, "As I've said, no I can't. It's not convenient for me".
He's awful - but your sister was quite demanding too.

• My sister asked me to order breakfasts, lunches and dinners for them as they were trying to be frugal (which I dutifully did and foot the bill) - then proceeded to not eat most of it and order while out every day

I can't afford to order these meals as we are also being frugal so you'll need to order and pay for them yourselves or call into a supermarket and buy yourselves some sandwiches.

• They don't drive, so asked me to sort getting a car seat before they arrived, and then expected lifts everywhere, even when public transport would be easier/cheaper

A couple of lifts are a part of hosting really but expecting lifts everywhere isn't on. You should have pointed them in the direction of public transport for any lifts that were not convenient for you.

• Wanted me to drive their 1 year old around for 1hr+ so she would nap in the car, even though as they don't drive she never usually needs this - I used 45 quid of fuel over a 4-day trip

       Just say no, for goodness sake. No I won't be doing that because I don't waste expensive fuel on unnecessary trips. 

• He dictated exactly when we did everything and expected me to drop everything - I was instructed to collect them in the mornings from their hotel with short notice, I wasn't even given time to go to the toilet let alone make a packed lunch before it was suddenly time to leave the house for day trip etc

No, that doesn't work for me. No, I can't pick you up right now, you'll need to get the bus. No we can't leave right now because I need to sort some things out and make a packed lunch but I'll be ready at x time. If you want to leave earlier you'll need to get a bus. For heaven's sake, I am frustrated by you. "Wasn't given time to go to the toilet". You just go to the toilet and they can wait. It's ridiculous

• I feel sister's partner overstepped boundaries in my house - he would lie down and go to sleep on the only sofa so my sister and I sat on the floor with DD, constantly asked for expensive drinks and snacks, eat well more than his fair share of (enormous) dinners I made so my sister went without etc

Excuse me sister's partner, you'll need to sit up because we also want to sit down. Sorry, sister's partner, there are no more snacks so if you want some more you'll need to go to the supermarket and buy some more for us all to share.

How did your sister go without??? Don't understand how that can happen. If you plate up the food then she would have had her own portion and if you don't plate up the food and everyone helps themselves I'd have fucking told him to leave some for the rest of them. Once I realized it was a problem I would have either plated up the food before hand OR handed sister the serving spoons to help herself further and asshole could wait.

He sounds awful. But I don't think your sister is that much better because she is enabling this behaviour, as are you.

You really need to use your voice and set boundaries. And perhaps look at why you and your sister are so passive.
There's no way on earth anyone would have been allowed to treat me like this.

I did feel that I was fairly assertive over the days they were with me, but clearly not enough! It's hard because he is not controlling in an overt way - for example, the requests to collect them from hotel in x minutes is made in a polite way, but if you say no and suggest an alternative, they will just ask again, emphasising how much more convenient it would be for them.

The response to that is an equally polite but firm "I'm sorry if my arrangements aren't convenient for you, but they can't be hanged. Tell you what, get a taxi and you can organise it to suit yourselves. Bye!"

Well this

I'm amazed you suggest there's a next time

But then perhaps his plan is to be so cunty it pushes all her friends and family away until she's isolated with just Cunt face.

I'd have a word with her privately.

He’s not a “bit controlling”. He is outright controlling.

I’d be quite concerned about what he’s like with your sister behind closed doors - her reaction to you pushing back against him smacks of fear.

You’re worried about your sister ,when you couldn’t stand up to him yourself .
grow a backbone yourself first ,and tell them he won’t be visiting again