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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to refuse to do as my brother-in-law instructs?

235 replies

MsHardy · 24/08/2023 11:07

My sister is one of the sweetest and most supportive people in the world, but she's quite passive and a people pleaser. I can relate to that as we both have struggled with that! However, she has married a guy who I like in lots of ways BUT he can be, imo, a little controlling. He wants things done on his timetable and likes to make most of the decisions. He also has a bit of a chip on his shoulder about wanting others that he perceives to have been dealt a more privileged hand in life to do things for him.

They came to stay with me recently and while I loved spending time with my sister and her daughter, I came away feeling like the hired help.

Here are some of the things that upset me...

  • My sister asked me to order breakfasts, lunches and dinners for them as they were trying to be frugal (which I dutifully did and foot the bill) - then proceeded to not eat most of it and order while out every day
  • They don't drive, so asked me to sort getting a car seat before they arrived, and then expected lifts everywhere, even when public transport would be easier/cheaper
  • Wanted me to drive their 1 year old around for 1hr+ so she would nap in the car, even though as they don't drive she never usually needs this - I used 45 quid of fuel over a 4-day trip
  • He dictated exactly when we did everything and expected me to drop everything - I was instructed to collect them in the mornings from their hotel with short notice, I wasn't even given time to go to the toilet let alone make a packed lunch before it was suddenly time to leave the house for day trip etc
  • I feel sister's partner overstepped boundaries in my house - he would lie down and go to sleep on the only sofa so my sister and I sat on the floor with DD, constantly asked for expensive drinks and snacks, eat well more than his fair share of (enormous) dinners I made so my sister went without etc
  • One day he walked in, turned on the oven at 4pm and said 'it's dinner time' and proceeded to monitor that I was cooking the meal quickly enough - it made me so upset I started to have a panic attack

AIBU to say something to my sister (I am genuinely a bit worried)? What should I do next time they visit?

OP posts:
MsRosley · 25/08/2023 00:09

Big hug, OP. It's not easy, and I can fully understand the tightrope you're walking for your sister's sake. She's lucky to have you - you're a lovely woman.

MsRosley · 25/08/2023 00:14

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread

Chickenkeev · 25/08/2023 09:13

MsRosley · 25/08/2023 00:09

Big hug, OP. It's not easy, and I can fully understand the tightrope you're walking for your sister's sake. She's lucky to have you - you're a lovely woman.

😍

AnaJane1 · 25/08/2023 18:19

No, no and no absolutely not ever again.
Visit your sister and niece by all means but not under these circumstances.
stay strong.

Grrrrdarling · 25/08/2023 18:54

MsHardy · 24/08/2023 11:07

My sister is one of the sweetest and most supportive people in the world, but she's quite passive and a people pleaser. I can relate to that as we both have struggled with that! However, she has married a guy who I like in lots of ways BUT he can be, imo, a little controlling. He wants things done on his timetable and likes to make most of the decisions. He also has a bit of a chip on his shoulder about wanting others that he perceives to have been dealt a more privileged hand in life to do things for him.

They came to stay with me recently and while I loved spending time with my sister and her daughter, I came away feeling like the hired help.

Here are some of the things that upset me...

  • My sister asked me to order breakfasts, lunches and dinners for them as they were trying to be frugal (which I dutifully did and foot the bill) - then proceeded to not eat most of it and order while out every day
  • They don't drive, so asked me to sort getting a car seat before they arrived, and then expected lifts everywhere, even when public transport would be easier/cheaper
  • Wanted me to drive their 1 year old around for 1hr+ so she would nap in the car, even though as they don't drive she never usually needs this - I used 45 quid of fuel over a 4-day trip
  • He dictated exactly when we did everything and expected me to drop everything - I was instructed to collect them in the mornings from their hotel with short notice, I wasn't even given time to go to the toilet let alone make a packed lunch before it was suddenly time to leave the house for day trip etc
  • I feel sister's partner overstepped boundaries in my house - he would lie down and go to sleep on the only sofa so my sister and I sat on the floor with DD, constantly asked for expensive drinks and snacks, eat well more than his fair share of (enormous) dinners I made so my sister went without etc
  • One day he walked in, turned on the oven at 4pm and said 'it's dinner time' and proceeded to monitor that I was cooking the meal quickly enough - it made me so upset I started to have a panic attack

AIBU to say something to my sister (I am genuinely a bit worried)? What should I do next time they visit?

No is a complete sentence.
Your home, your life & your rules!
If he wants to rock to his own timetable he does that under his one steam!

drpet49 · 25/08/2023 19:10

Flipflipmania · 24/08/2023 11:18

Your sister doesn’t sound much better than him tbh

oh and you need to find a spine

This

Bignanny30 · 25/08/2023 19:23

I’d be very worried about my sister. He’s a controlling, narcissist. Try to get her on her own and talk to her, maybe even encourage her to leave before things get worse because they will do.

PaminaMozart · 25/08/2023 19:34

she seems so anxious about upsetting him for whatever reason...... He is a devoted Dad and - if you can believe it - charitable and often thoughtful guy, so I am certain that going in all guns blazing claiming that she is married to an abuser could alienate her further.

Sigh. Look up covert narcissism.
Chances are your sister is still under his spell. They are good at that.

Julimia · 25/08/2023 19:39

Say something to him not your sister. He thinks being controlling is the norm. Well its not your norm and HE needs telling. End of.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 25/08/2023 19:56

You and your sister need serious therapeutic help.
why would anyone put up with that bollox?

Loopylambs · 25/08/2023 20:48

You said you were assertive but I don’t think you were .
maybe practice scenarios and responses ?
when they demanded you collected them from the hotel at a certain time you could respond “ that doesn’t work for me but Im happy to meet you at midday for lunch”
you said you didn’t have time to even go to the toilet ? And they just asked again ? It’s awkward but pause through the silence and then repeat and stand your ground.
When they asked you to buy a car seat and then drive the child around for hours. “I don’t feel happy doing that ,/ I won’t be wasting petrol, maybe we could take DC for a walk to the park in pushchair instead”.
it’s sometimes hard to say no directly but the more you practise it will get easier .

Cornishclio · 25/08/2023 22:33

None of that is ok and I would not have agreed to any of the demands beyond trying to source a child seat. Your BIL behaved appallingly. Instructing you to order food in and not eat it. As for telling you when to cook dinner that is ridiculous. Why didn't you tell him he is welcome to cook for themselves and food can be ordered or purchased at the nearest supermarket.

Honestly I wouldn't have them stay again. Tell your sister you are happy to see her but due to her husbands behaviour at their last visit you won't host them again.

Why do people allow themselves to be treated like that? There is being a gracious host but only to considerate guests. CFs not welcome.

T1Dmama · 25/08/2023 22:54

If someone walked in my house and turned the oven on for any other reason than to reheat or cook for themselves I’d be telling them they need to cook their own meal!
after they didn’t eat breakfast you bought on day 1 I’d have told them you won’t be doing it again !
I’d simply text your sister and tell her you’ve been left feeling used as a scivvy.. tell her while they’re welcome anytime you will not be driving them around or driving baby around again as you can’t afford the fuel, also state you can’t afford to buy breakfast and dinner for 3 extra people & are upset that her DH stood over you rushing you to do dinner!…
either that or next time you state immediately that they need to get themself food while out as you’ll only be providing bread for them to make a sandwich. Nothing more. And they’ll need to make their own and wash up after!!
Think they both sound like CF’s!!
but I wouldn’t have bought a car seat, I’d have told them public transport is great and you’ll tell them what buses they need

Bernardo1 · 25/08/2023 23:22

Do not accede to his demands, just tell him plainly firmly and quietly to f... off. Ideally in your sisters presence.
Early in the day ideally, so time to pack bags and depart.

Trianglesandcircles1 · 25/08/2023 23:30

Don't fall out with him - he will separate your sister from you, turn her against you, and continue to abuse her at a distance from you.
You need to stay in her life. That is top priority.

Instead find a way to maintain your boundaries whilst being impeccably polite at all times. Then he will have nothing to 'pin' on you.

It will be a hard juggling act, especially as you have struggled in the past, but you absolutely have to find that fine line whereby your are completely assertive and unbending, but completely polite and friendly. Smile and say pleasant words whilst still saying 'no', and repeating 'no' as many times as it takes in as many different words and phrases as you can think of, to not give in to his demands and bullying and abuse.

JFDIYOLO · 26/08/2023 01:18

'Next time they visit??'
Your poor sister has married a control freak.
You are going to have to learn some assertiveness techniques quick and teach her them, too.
Learn the word NO.
Why are you both doormats? What were your parents and childhoods like?

JudgeRudy · 26/08/2023 01:22

Howyiz · 24/08/2023 11:13

Oh for God's sake, why did you do any of that?

You need to look into some counselling or therapy if you complied with any of those demand.

I agree. There's a massive difference between accommodating guests and being a doormat.
Don't just blame him though, blame your sister for going along with this, then blame yourself too for doing as she did.

Chickenkeev · 27/08/2023 03:40

JudgeRudy · 26/08/2023 01:22

I agree. There's a massive difference between accommodating guests and being a doormat.
Don't just blame him though, blame your sister for going along with this, then blame yourself too for doing as she did.

Show quote history

Ffs! 'Doormat' is so derogatary! There is no need for that shit. OP and sis are clearly in need of help and support so the 'doormat' crap is kicking them when they're down. You can think it without saying it.

ApiratesaysYarrr · 27/08/2023 08:45

Your sister is also a CF, just saying.

BackAgainstWall · 27/08/2023 09:23

He was controlling you.

He did it because he could obviously get away with it.

Big bolshy men like this are often cowards.

It was your territory and you needed to have the courage to TELL him the way it was going to be. No need for any confrontation, but a big need for polite and effective communication on your side.

But you didn’t and he walked all over you with his rude demands and lack of manners. Because he could.

I’m not saying it’s easy and it can be a very slow process, but you need to work at it and learn to have a bit of faith in yourself to speak up.

Useyourfork · 27/08/2023 09:29

You need to watch ‘Bad Sisters’

Acheyknees · 27/08/2023 09:37

You've got to turn the awkwardness you feel back to him, if you don't feel confident in calling him out on his behaviour.
When he turns the oven on shouting 'it's dinner time', you tell him ' What time are you dishing it up?, I'm just off for a shower'
If he falls asleep on your sofa, you push his feet aside, 'budge up, I'm not sitting on the floor'.

julesplusvodka · 28/08/2023 21:30

What kind of example are you setting for your niece, it’s bad enough that she will have to contend with a weak Mother a controlling Father and now an extremely weak Aunt to boot. Poor little thing doesn’t stand a chance.

MeridianB · 28/08/2023 21:40

There are new(ish) laws about coercive control, designed to help people get free from men like this.

Your sister is going to really need every ounce of your strength and assertiveness to get her and her child away from this creep. Because if this is how he behaves ‘in public’ with her sister, then it’s very scary to think what he’s doing behind closed doors.

Please ask her if she is OK and encourage her to look at the Freedom Programme to help her understand the oppression she’s normalising.

Original poster
MsHardy · 30/08/2023 10:49

Update: I tried to have a heart-to-heart with my sister about all of this at the weekend and it hugely backfired. I barely scratched the surface of my concerns, but things quickly escalated to a huge row (it has to be said though, I wasn't really arguing, rather just defending what I experienced and observed during the visit.) Some of the things she said are super alarming - like she tried to justify things first by denying they ever happened and then by admitting he makes all of the decisions because she doesn't feel capable of it. After that admission, she was later furious with me, suggesting that I'm abusive for asking for a 'secret conversation' with her about it all and - I felt - generally positioning me as the aggressor and effectively making things up because of my 'trauma'.

And through all this, not a peep from him.

After 4 days of fallout she has simply said, I don't know where we go from here. I think it's safe to say they won't be visiting again and I also don't know when I'll see her next.

OP posts:
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