AIBU to refuse to do as my brother-in-law instructs?

[MsHardy]

My sister is one of the sweetest and most supportive people in the world, but she's quite passive and a people pleaser. I can relate to that as we both have struggled with that! However, she has married a guy who I like in lots of ways BUT he can be, imo, a little controlling. He wants things done on his timetable and likes to make most of the decisions. He also has a bit of a chip on his shoulder about wanting others that he perceives to have been dealt a more privileged hand in life to do things for him.

They came to stay with me recently and while I loved spending time with my sister and her daughter, I came away feeling like the hired help.

Here are some of the things that upset me...

• My sister asked me to order breakfasts, lunches and dinners for them as they were trying to be frugal (which I dutifully did and foot the bill) - then proceeded to not eat most of it and order while out every day
• They don't drive, so asked me to sort getting a car seat before they arrived, and then expected lifts everywhere, even when public transport would be easier/cheaper
• Wanted me to drive their 1 year old around for 1hr+ so she would nap in the car, even though as they don't drive she never usually needs this - I used 45 quid of fuel over a 4-day trip
• He dictated exactly when we did everything and expected me to drop everything - I was instructed to collect them in the mornings from their hotel with short notice, I wasn't even given time to go to the toilet let alone make a packed lunch before it was suddenly time to leave the house for day trip etc
• I feel sister's partner overstepped boundaries in my house - he would lie down and go to sleep on the only sofa so my sister and I sat on the floor with DD, constantly asked for expensive drinks and snacks, eat well more than his fair share of (enormous) dinners I made so my sister went without etc
• One day he walked in, turned on the oven at 4pm and said 'it's dinner time' and proceeded to monitor that I was cooking the meal quickly enough - it made me so upset I started to have a panic attack

AIBU to say something to my sister (I am genuinely a bit worried)? What should I do next time they visit?

I'm so sorry.

I think you've just confirmed that your sister is indeed trapped in an abusive relationship. He has simply worn her down, like a boiled frog.

I would just keep letting her know you're there for her, no matter what, quietly and consistently somehow.

Unfortunately, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. Sometimes you can only let them know you are there when or if they need you, one can only hope she finds the strength to deal with her current partner, hopefully having the little one will help her to find the strength, although this isn’t always the case. I wish you all the very best for the future.

Your sister is in deep deep trouble. Let her know you are there and will try and help when she says she needs it. The fact that she believes she is not capable of makng decisions so he makes them - that alone shows what a coercive bully he is, and how she has been worn away to the point of not believing in herself - the boiled frog.

Your sister is suffering from Stockholm syndrome, and there is very little you can do other than remind her that you are there for her - and suggest the FREEDOM PROGRAMME if and when you feel she might be ready to listen. (I'd add that you yourself might want to consider doing it as well...)

@MsHardy

You convo with your DSis is typical of a woman in an abusive relationship and her reaction is to be expected. I know it hurts, but the important part is that you have gotten your fears and suspicions out there and she has heard them, whether she likes them or not. Something deep inside is telling her you speak the truth but she doesn't want to hear it, so she wants to 'kill the messenger'.

At this point all you can do is tell her you love her and will always be there for her when she needs you. How she reacts and whether she ever comes to her senses is beyond your control. But rest assured, you have done the right thing.

You did everything he asked and then you're moaning about it.
What's wrong with you for god's sake ?

Not to derail the thread, and I'm not criticising you personally @PaminaMozart as I think most of us have been guilty of using the phrase at one time or another, but it's worth pointing out that "Stockholm Syndrome" does not exist. It is a made-up disorder, created to try and discredit the female hostage in the case.

This link has an excerpt from an excellent book on violence against women called "See What You Made Me Do" about how the phrase came about: “Stockholm Syndrome” was invented by police to discredit a female hostage (stadafa.com)

Oh I’m so sorry for your update.
it sounds like she’s gone on the defensive, all you can do is tell her you’ll be there if she ever needs a sister and leave it there.

Yes, when people over-react like this you know you've hit a nerve. You were brave, OP - it can't have been easy - and you have done the right thing. Very much more terrible to have kept silent and pretend you haven't noticed anything amiss. Hang on to that, whatever your sister decides to do - you did the right thing.

I'm so sorry.

In your shoes, I would extend an olive branch, keep communication gentle and open, non demanding/non threatening.

While I don't suggest you sacrifice your own well being and boundaries, if you can remain non threatening to them both (really, to him) then it means she'll be able to turn to you when she needs to.

However, if you can't that's OK and just letting her know you'll always be there is enough.