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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to do as my brother-in-law instructs?

235 replies

MsHardy · 24/08/2023 11:07

My sister is one of the sweetest and most supportive people in the world, but she's quite passive and a people pleaser. I can relate to that as we both have struggled with that! However, she has married a guy who I like in lots of ways BUT he can be, imo, a little controlling. He wants things done on his timetable and likes to make most of the decisions. He also has a bit of a chip on his shoulder about wanting others that he perceives to have been dealt a more privileged hand in life to do things for him.

They came to stay with me recently and while I loved spending time with my sister and her daughter, I came away feeling like the hired help.

Here are some of the things that upset me...

  • My sister asked me to order breakfasts, lunches and dinners for them as they were trying to be frugal (which I dutifully did and foot the bill) - then proceeded to not eat most of it and order while out every day
  • They don't drive, so asked me to sort getting a car seat before they arrived, and then expected lifts everywhere, even when public transport would be easier/cheaper
  • Wanted me to drive their 1 year old around for 1hr+ so she would nap in the car, even though as they don't drive she never usually needs this - I used 45 quid of fuel over a 4-day trip
  • He dictated exactly when we did everything and expected me to drop everything - I was instructed to collect them in the mornings from their hotel with short notice, I wasn't even given time to go to the toilet let alone make a packed lunch before it was suddenly time to leave the house for day trip etc
  • I feel sister's partner overstepped boundaries in my house - he would lie down and go to sleep on the only sofa so my sister and I sat on the floor with DD, constantly asked for expensive drinks and snacks, eat well more than his fair share of (enormous) dinners I made so my sister went without etc
  • One day he walked in, turned on the oven at 4pm and said 'it's dinner time' and proceeded to monitor that I was cooking the meal quickly enough - it made me so upset I started to have a panic attack

AIBU to say something to my sister (I am genuinely a bit worried)? What should I do next time they visit?

OP posts:
daisychain42 · 24/08/2023 13:38

Is this lobster boy?

CherryMaDeara · 24/08/2023 13:41

daisychain42 · 24/08/2023 13:38

Is this lobster boy?

Can’t be, they must have at least 4 kids by now. But would love an update from that OP!

FarEast · 24/08/2023 13:43

Atrocious behaviour. I don't even let me parents or siblings behave like that to me, let alone a brother-in-law.

I'd say stand up to him, except he may then bully your sister not to be in touch.

He sounds like someone who will become an abuser (if not there already).

Gettingbysomehow · 24/08/2023 13:43

Seriously OP you are a right mug. They would have been out of my house and on the next bus home in 5 minutes if that had been me. WTaF!!! Tell your sister in no uncertain terms that they are not welcome to stay again unless they leave your BiL at home.
I've never heard such a thing.

Couldyounot · 24/08/2023 13:44

Snivelling little prick would be physically ejected from this house. How dare he?

WeetabixTowels · 24/08/2023 13:46

Why didn’t you just tell them to fuck off?! Especially the oven thing - having a panic attack is very drastic reaction, I’d have said “piss off you cheeky sod”

WeetabixTowels · 24/08/2023 13:47

However I live away from ILs and I wouldn’t mind at all picking them up from a hotel while they were visiting. The rest - nah they can get fucked.

Nosleepforthismum · 24/08/2023 13:48

Ahh well you were a bit of a wet blanket on this visit. Being asked to buy a car seat before they arrived should have been a big fuck off red flag but I know you were just trying to make your sisters visit as easy for her as possible. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but on the next suggestion of a visit I would have a conversation along the lines of “hi sister. You want to visit in a couple of weeks? Oh I’d love that. Are you staying in the hotel again? Unfortunately I won’t be able to pay for your food while you are there this time, we are on a budget ourselves. On Saturday do you fancy going to XX. I’ll meet you there at 10, I have things to do at home beforehand so you’ll have to make your own way there and don’t forget to bring a packed lunch. Do you want to come back to mine afterwards for dinner? I can give you a lift back to mine but we can stop at the co-op on the way back if you wanted to pick up an extra bottle of wine or another French stick for DP if you think he’ll still be hungry after the meal. Don’t forget to order your taxi home in advance as I’ll be drinking” etc.

You shouldn’t have to do this but I appreciate you want to retain the relationship with your sister and niece so I think clear boundaries and expectations in advance are the way forward.

Thelonelygiraffe · 24/08/2023 13:48

Your sister and her h are both rude bellends. But why on earth didn't you say no? Assert some boundaries?

Chickenkeev · 24/08/2023 13:49

I'm assuming/ presuming that OP was shocked at his behaviour. And shock can sometimes result in paralysis. And also assuming/ presuming the sister is used to him behaving like a boorish pig so knows to keep her mouth shut. He really sounds a deeply unpleasant individual.

Chickenkeev · 24/08/2023 13:51

Like, if he's happy to behave that badly in front of people, imagine what he's like when nobody is watching...

LifeExperience · 24/08/2023 13:53

I wouldn't have the controlling dickhead in my home again.

Sasha19052 · 24/08/2023 13:53

I have voted YABU.

You are. You know that. To allow an adult to treat you that way is ridiculous. And you deserve to feel like a doormat, because you are. People use that expression "people pleaser" as almost like an excuse for not having a backbone, and then whinging about being walked over.

Your only saving grace was that you finally told him how you felt. But how exactly is that going to help your sister and their child? She must be a quivering wreck of apologies everywhere she goes. He is abusing her/ you and everyone and you have allowed him to.

Grow up and get a backbone.

flowertoday · 24/08/2023 14:04

He needs to be told where to go, in any language / combinations of swear words or other phrases that he will understand.

Please don't have him in your house ever again. Please gently challenge your sister at any and every opportunity as to why she is spending her life with this obnoxious brainless loser. She deserves better. She deserves a sister who will point it out. You deserve not to have to spend any free time entertaining this asshole .

woodhill · 24/08/2023 14:05

MsHardy · 24/08/2023 12:10

These responses have really opened my eyes, and while some of them stung, I am really grateful to everyone who took the time to reply to make it clear that I had good reason to be upset.

I did feel that I was fairly assertive over the days they were with me, but clearly not enough! It's hard because he is not controlling in an overt way - for example, the requests to collect them from hotel in x minutes is made in a polite way, but if you say no and suggest an alternative, they will just ask again, emphasising how much more convenient it would be for them.

Those who pointed out that my sister, as a people pleaser, would have been mortified by all this - she was. She apologised a few times on his behalf and thanked me multiple times for the effort I had gone to when we were alone. I wish I had taken the opportunity to ask her if she was OK as it was the only time we had together without him there.

When I say no to him or make clear that I am unhappy, my sister finds this deeply uncomfortable - clearly it would be more convenient for her if I played along which is largely why I did. But I wish I hadn't as now I am a doormat too, as many of you have pointed out!

I did say how I felt at the end of the trip and it was very very awkward. He said nothing and left the room. It will be interesting to see what happens going forward, I need to take a long think about what to do.

I'm assuming you are on your own

Is that partly why he took advantage OP?

Please don't ever tolerate this again

CleptoCleoCookoo · 24/08/2023 14:08

OP, you're in need of a serious step back and need to assess WHY on earth you let him act like this?

WHy didn't you tell him, this isn't on, please leave.

Either you're respectful as a guest, or you're not welcome.

And if he didn't buck up, fuck off and leave immediately.

Why on earth would you let him over the doorstep again?

he's a rude, entitled, controller.

See your poor sister in a neutral location but ffs grow a backbone and stop letting him belive this behaviour is normal or acceptable. you're showing her it's acceptable. jog on!!

thereisnotachance · 24/08/2023 14:29

I did say how I felt at the end of the trip and it was very very awkward. He said nothing and left the room

Hmmm... what did you say exactly? The thing is you need to challenge him on his entitlement and overbearing commands at the time not pander to him and then huff and puff at the end of their stay.

Folklore9074 · 24/08/2023 14:32

Not sure I believe any of this.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 24/08/2023 14:33

Yes he’s an abusive arsehole.

I’d be speaking to her when he’s not around, directing her to the Freedom Programme and if you can, offer her a temporary place to live/stay if she leaves him.

Years ago I was invited by my sister who’d moved up north to stay with her as she’d broken up with her fiancé and had to move out of his home. In the course of a month she’d met an utter w*nker and this was proved when I went to stay, including him laughing openly and making nasty comment at a woman having an epileptic fit at a restaurant we were eating at, being abusive generally and then the next day going off to his mum’s (sister was meeting his mum for first time) for Sunday lunch after it’d been arranged we were all going for lunch previously. I live in London so it was a long journey. When I got home she asked if I liked him and i lied and said yes and then a couple of months later she asked me again and I said no. I’m almost certain based on this he tried to get me in trouble with my work signing me up for drug/alcohol abuse websites and I was lucky not to be fired. Only a handful of people had my email address as email was fairly new and years later she said she’d left her laptop around him and yes he was an abusive arsehole - they didn’t last.

Original poster
MsHardy · 24/08/2023 14:35

Chickenkeev · 24/08/2023 13:49

I'm assuming/ presuming that OP was shocked at his behaviour. And shock can sometimes result in paralysis. And also assuming/ presuming the sister is used to him behaving like a boorish pig so knows to keep her mouth shut. He really sounds a deeply unpleasant individual.

Wow, this is exactly how I felt

OP posts:
TodayInahurry · 24/08/2023 14:35

What a nightmare, why can’t they drive, but then expect you to buy car seat and drive their kid around.

ralphareyouok · 24/08/2023 14:38

He also has a bit of a chip on his shoulder about wanting others that he perceives to have been dealt a more privileged hand in life to do things for him

He’s one of those extremely outspoken lefties isn’t he 🤣

Chickenkeev · 24/08/2023 14:40

MsHardy · 24/08/2023 14:35

Wow, this is exactly how I felt

Show quote history

If it's any consolation my father was the exact same. My mother eventually left him but not until the rest of us (including her) were scarred beyond belief. So please try and encourage your sis (slowly slowly) to evaluate her position x

ralphareyouok · 24/08/2023 14:41

PS you sounds a lovely person but you’re being people pleasing too there. He is a rude piss taker and that set up is ridiculous.

If they stay again do what you’re comfortable doing and for those things not, say I am not doing that and you can offer an alternative.

Jl2014 · 24/08/2023 14:47

he sounds like a twat, OP. I understand sometimes wanting to keep the peace but you could easily have said no to a load of that stuff without coming across as the slightest bit unreasonable. I don’t get why you complied and I think you should speak to someone about better boundaries.