Do you believe it’s unfair for a significant other to gain weight?

TurkeyJerky · 2023-08-23T20:00:11+00:00

Do you believe it’s unreasonable for a partner to gain a significant amount of weight over the course of a relationship? Do we owe our husbands / wives to remain in a similarly sized body or that we should be loved at any size? reasonable - you should remain within in a similarly sized body as when you started the relationship unreasonable - what! No way, they should love you anyway

Yetanothernamechangeagain · 23/08/2023 21:02

I suppose if they were deliberately putting on weight to annoy their partner then that would be unreasonable but I don’t think it’s deliberate usually?

Animallover87 · 23/08/2023 21:04

I wouldn't be impressed if my DH put on a significant amount of weight. But I wouldn't pile on loads and expect him to be OK with it either.

Medical conditions aside obviously in both cases.

yogasaurus · 23/08/2023 21:05

Ok… (dons hard hat)

Offically, of course your DP should love you know matter what.

Honestly… I’d be quite disappointed if DH put on five stone and was unhealthy, and had no interest in doing anything about it. We like to be active. I’d struggle with a DP who couldn’t do anything.

The same goes the other way.

Prepares to be flamed.

Tinybrother · 23/08/2023 21:05

Are you writing an article?

lightinthebox · 23/08/2023 21:07

There’s any number of reasons why people gain weight. Lifestyle changes, sedentary jobs, not having time or energy to focus on health and fitness due to childcare and work.

I would look at why a partner gained weight. Are they doing most of the childcare and housework, so making healthy meals aren’t a priority?

Personally I’m in a relationship with someone I love, so no, weight gain would t bother me.

SnapBang · 23/08/2023 21:07

Well it’s sort of both / neither. No one owes anyone a certain body shape. You are at perfect liberty to lose or gain weight over the course of your life as you wish. Similarly, you don’t have to stay in a relationship with someone you no longer find attractive (for any reason). In an ideal world, everyone would continue to find their partner attractive for life in spite of any changes, but that just often isn’t the case. The best you can do is to make sure you’re happy and prioritise what you want to.

SlowlyLosing · 23/08/2023 21:09

I feel that we owe it to each other to stay healthy, which means staying a healthy weight amongst other things.

How much weight is reasonable to gain depends on where you start. Lots of women are unhealthily thin in their 20s but look fabulous. Gaining a couple of stone probably puts them at the same bmi their husband was when they met and so on an even footing. Then most people gain weight as they get older. And women after child birth and during menopause.

Rainyday4321 · 23/08/2023 21:10

i think there is a compatibility question about lifestyle/ health/ eating/ activity.

DH and I are both fairly active. None of our parents/ siblings are significantly overweight and all are reasonably active. It’s our normal.
I wouldn’t have chosen a partner who has a very different approach to eating/ exercising.

gaining a pound or two- fine. But either of us being significantly overweight wouldn’t work for me.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 23/08/2023 21:11

It depends on the reasons surely?

neverenoughplants · 23/08/2023 21:11

I don't think anyone owes it to their partner to be (or stay) a particular size or a particular body type. We all get old and bodies can change in lots of ways, not just size.

If my partner gained or lost a lot of weight, I would be wondering if they were OK medically and/or psychologically, especially if it were sudden. But if they were happy, thriving, enjoying life and well - then great!

telestrations · 23/08/2023 21:13

I think you have a responsibility to be healthy for your family and attractive for your partner, but it is not possible to stay the same.

Aging, weight gain, illnesses and life events that can cause both are all part of what you sign up for when you make a lifelong commitment to eachother.

Pinkbonbon · 23/08/2023 21:14

It's a tough one.

I think pregnancy and certain illnesses/drugs to treat illnesses cause lots of weight gain. These are temporary however and if you love someone, shouldn't be a problem.

If however, I was a man...or gay...and I married a size 10 woman and she grew to say, somewhere around a size 18 via unhealthy lifestyle...I would not be OK with that.
But thats partly because its obesity. And I probably wouldn't date someone obese in the first place.

As a woman who dates men, I sometimes like a little bit of a dad-bod beer belly xD but there's definately a cut off weight for men too. If it's big enough where it affects their health for example.

So yes i do think overall we have a responsibility to stay attractive to our partners, within reason. But for me the cut off would be when they get to an unhealthy size/weight. Because I want my partner to respect their own selves too and if they're particularly overweight then imo they don't.

Mariposista · 23/08/2023 21:17

It wouldn't work for me. SO and I want a long, active and healthy life together my SO, so either of us slobbing on the sofa, stuffing our faces with hobnobs and chips and becoming enormous just doesn't fit.
However, if weight gain (or loss for that matter) is due to medication, an injury/illness beyond our control, that is something else. Neither of us are of the ilk that 'we don't have time' to be healthy/exercise - we make time, no matter how tired/busy/stressed we are. We just forego other things, like time watching tv.

Thefamilywaster · 23/08/2023 21:18

This reads like a journalist doing lazy research.

JenniferBooth · 23/08/2023 21:18

So if you were overweight when you met your partner it is also unfair to lose weight no?

lightinthebox · 23/08/2023 21:21

I don’t read Daily Mail or weekly women’s magazines, but this is going to end up in one of those isn’t it?

CarPour · 23/08/2023 21:21

I don't think you owe your partner anything related to your body. When you marry someone you accept their body will change in the future. Gaining weight can be part of that (as can losing it)

However its more to do with taking care of yourself. If my DH gained a lot of weight and refused to eat a reasonable diet or make reasonable changes then I would be less attracted to him.

I think its more a bit of weight because he ate too many roast dinners or gained weight because he ate a full English and donner kebab everyday and only drank full fat coke. I see a lot of men who just refuse to take care of themselves as they age and I do wonder why they feel it acceptable to their wife/family

ChaToilLeam · 23/08/2023 21:21

It’s not always under your control, you know.

I don’t owe anyone a particular weight. DP can make of that what he wishes.

Original poster

TurkeyJerky · 23/08/2023 21:21

Not a journalist! Just someone who has gained some weight over the past year and flip flops between ‘love me at any size’ and feeling hurt and understanding that attraction doesn’t really always work like that and kind of getting why this might change things.

OP posts:

Original poster

TurkeyJerky · 23/08/2023 21:23

lightinthebox · 23/08/2023 21:21

I don’t read Daily Mail or weekly women’s magazines, but this is going to end up in one of those isn’t it?

Devastated by these references but I hear you 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

TurkeyJerky · 23/08/2023 21:23

JenniferBooth · 23/08/2023 21:18

So if you were overweight when you met your partner it is also unfair to lose weight no?

I guess so maybe?

OP posts:

Original poster

TurkeyJerky · 23/08/2023 21:25

Thefamilywaster · 23/08/2023 21:18

This reads like a journalist doing lazy research.

Now if this DOES end up in the Daily Fail I’ll never beat the charges but it’s actually just some other lazy journalist stealing my research!

OP posts:

TurquoiseDress · 23/08/2023 21:28

Rainyday4321 · 23/08/2023 21:10

i think there is a compatibility question about lifestyle/ health/ eating/ activity.

DH and I are both fairly active. None of our parents/ siblings are significantly overweight and all are reasonably active. It’s our normal.
I wouldn’t have chosen a partner who has a very different approach to eating/ exercising.

gaining a pound or two- fine. But either of us being significantly overweight wouldn’t work for me.

This is my kind of mindset when thinking about this question, I agree with this

MolkosTeenageAngst · 23/08/2023 21:29

SnapBang · 23/08/2023 21:07

Well it’s sort of both / neither. No one owes anyone a certain body shape. You are at perfect liberty to lose or gain weight over the course of your life as you wish. Similarly, you don’t have to stay in a relationship with someone you no longer find attractive (for any reason). In an ideal world, everyone would continue to find their partner attractive for life in spite of any changes, but that just often isn’t the case. The best you can do is to make sure you’re happy and prioritise what you want to.

Totally agree with all of this.

Janieforever · 23/08/2023 21:30

I think it’s fine to change your body as you choose, so gain or loose weight get tattooes, change hair. What I think is not fine is to expect your partner to find you physically attractive whatever the change, attraction is not something we control.

It’s an instinct. Not a decision.

as such, if you change significantly and your partner no longer finds the new you attractive, that for me, is understandable.

however, love and physical attraction are very different things.