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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you believe it’s unfair for a significant other to gain weight?

195 replies

TurkeyJerky · 23/08/2023 21:00

Do you believe it’s unreasonable for a partner to gain a significant amount of weight over the course of a relationship? Do we owe our husbands / wives to remain in a similarly sized body or that we should be loved at any size?

reasonable - you should remain within in a similarly sized body as when you started the relationship

unreasonable - what! No way, they should love you anyway

OP posts:
astarsheis · 23/08/2023 21:51

I wouldn't want a fat husband and he wouldn't want a fat wife. We were both slim, fit and healthy when we married nearly 40 years ago and we still are.
Fitness and healthy eating has always been part of our lives. There were times when we were very busy with children and work, but we are now back to our usual fitness way of li. Husband is 60 now with a hint of love handles but is still fancy him. I'm probably the fittest I've been for 20 years since I have more time for hobbies now that the children have left.

Sleepytimebear · 23/08/2023 21:51

TurkeyJerky · 23/08/2023 21:48

I suppose because non medical related weight gain is a choice? And illness or injury are not (I am the one who has gained weight in my personal situation, no medical needs other than being a sleep deprived mum!)

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Why is being a sleep deprived mum not a totally valid reason for weight gain? Your priorities are your children right now, not maintaining a low weight. What's wrong with that?

ZickZack · 23/08/2023 21:53

TurkeyJerky · 23/08/2023 21:48

I suppose because non medical related weight gain is a choice? And illness or injury are not (I am the one who has gained weight in my personal situation, no medical needs other than being a sleep deprived mum!)

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Mental health issues can also be a reason for weight gain. I don't think it's as simple as people choose to be overweight. Surely everyone would choose not to be?

Circe7 · 23/08/2023 21:55

My ex put on a significant amount of weight at one point. He did eventually lose most of it. I wasn’t physically attracted to him when he was at his heaviest. It wasn’t a deal breaker for me and it wouldn’t have felt like a good enough reason to leave but I couldn’t make myself attracted to him (and I really tried to ignore it). It was partly that there wasn’t really a good reason for it - he liked beer and unhealthy food and that was ok when he exercised a lot but not when he stopped. He had loads of time and money to do something about his weight but as I saw it he couldn’t be bothered because he didn’t care about his appearance. I also felt that if I could go through two pregnancies and lose the weight afterwards even when I felt like eating crap and didn’t have much time to exercise he could have put some effort in. I realise it may have been more complicated than that but certainly didn’t help our relationship.

Janieforever · 23/08/2023 21:56

Sleepytimebear · 23/08/2023 21:42

I the OP she clearly asked if you should love them anyway?

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Yes you’re right, I’m sorry, that’s a very different question.

of Course you should be loved for you; doesn’t mean your partner needs to fancy you though.

op, your later post is confused, you say “love me at any size” then “attraction doesn’t work like that”

someone saying they don’t love you anymore as you gained a lot of weight is very different to someone no longer finding you physically attractive,

is it love or attraction you’re asking about?

L1L4vsFemur · 23/08/2023 21:57

I can fully understand someone no longer being sexually attracted to someone who had put on an awful lot of weight. You can't help being not attracted to someone - you can't just switch it on.

Loving someone is a completely different thing. You can still love someone dearly without being attracted to them.

Original poster
TurkeyJerky · 23/08/2023 21:57

ZickZack · 23/08/2023 21:53

Mental health issues can also be a reason for weight gain. I don't think it's as simple as people choose to be overweight. Surely everyone would choose not to be?

Show quote history

I consider MH to be a medical need / MH conditions to be medical needs xx

OP posts:
MumblesParty · 23/08/2023 21:58

Well I think I’m programmed to find natural ageing attractive. I’m 55 now, and whilst I can see that objectively a 20 year old man can be very handsome, I wouldn’t find him attractive as such, because he’s too young.

So in terms of a partner, I will still love and find my partner attractive , as he gets older, wrinklier and a bit chubbier, as most of us do with age. But if he massively ballooned then I would still love him but I wouldn’t fancy him. And if it was just a case of him gaining weight because he ate crap and didn’t exercise through choice, I would feel pretty pissed off with him.

MaryMagda · 23/08/2023 21:59

I think people get together for a variety of reasons, physical attraction being one reason. Time passes and many things change. Weight, health, disability, job loss, grumpy old man syndrome , wrinkles, whatever. Attraction can fade for any reason.

116a · 23/08/2023 22:00

yogasaurus · 23/08/2023 21:05

Ok… (dons hard hat)

Offically, of course your DP should love you know matter what.

Honestly… I’d be quite disappointed if DH put on five stone and was unhealthy, and had no interest in doing anything about it. We like to be active. I’d struggle with a DP who couldn’t do anything.

The same goes the other way.

Prepares to be flamed.

I agree. It would be a dealbreaker for me as I don't find overweight people attractive. It's personal pre.

Rewis · 23/08/2023 22:01

What about aging in general? You'll look different than you did when you met. Can you expect your partner to love you no matter how you look? Or because it is not a choice like weight gain, it is something you need to find attractive?

Nursery22 · 23/08/2023 22:02

Pffff I'd hope that we marry people that we love so much that it transcends appearance. Also define a lot of weight?

Middle aged spread happens to most. Everyone winds up with a different body shape in their 60s then they had in their 20s. I'm looking at you - menopause.

So I think - no - weight gain should not be a reason.

HOWEVER.....If someone gains a considerable amount of weight and it's due to a complete turnabout in their personality then you could say irreconcilable differences and it's probably more to do with the reason the weight was gained to begin with.

To try and explain.... DH and I have never been particularly healthy eaters, nor have we been people who enjoy the gym. Being slim in our 20s though was easy - nights out, take-aways on the way home, fast metabolism, travelling etc etc kept us in shape - but our 30s hit us like a dumpster truck at 5am (to steal a quote from the film Tully).

DH and I have 'gained weight together', in the sense that the way our life has changed, and the way we've aged, and working from home, and not partying like we did in our 20s.....the weight has come from a combination of cosy nights in post-DC and all those other factors. Our body shapes have evolved with our relationship, but our relationship is not too dissimilar to the one we always had (we always enjoyed a take-away - we just burnt it off quicker before). I'd be pretty peed off if DH turned round and said- well you're not the size 8 I fell in love with.

But then I look to one of my siblings who has always been super into fitness (since a young child), leads a very active lifestyle and their spouse is exactly the same. I would say in their case - for one of them to start gaining huge amounts of weight there would have to be such a significant change in the dynamic of their relationship that it would be fair enough for one of them to leave, because for one of them to gain that weight would be for one of them to turn their back on the life they lead together.

Sleepytimebear · 23/08/2023 22:05

Rewis · 23/08/2023 22:01

What about aging in general? You'll look different than you did when you met. Can you expect your partner to love you no matter how you look? Or because it is not a choice like weight gain, it is something you need to find attractive?

Well quite. Stereotypically men trade their wives in for a younger model at a certain age. Because women should be young and thin and beautiful but men can age naturally.

Supergirl1958 · 23/08/2023 22:06

As someone who has put a significant amount of weight since the birth of my son and lockdown and struggling to lose it, I find the opinions of some on this thread quite disappointing!

My relationship hasn’t changed with my fiancé and we are as ok as we ever have been!

IMO I don’t think it should matter!

AvocadotoastORahouse · 23/08/2023 22:06

Mariposista · 23/08/2023 21:17

It wouldn't work for me. SO and I want a long, active and healthy life together my SO, so either of us slobbing on the sofa, stuffing our faces with hobnobs and chips and becoming enormous just doesn't fit.
However, if weight gain (or loss for that matter) is due to medication, an injury/illness beyond our control, that is something else. Neither of us are of the ilk that 'we don't have time' to be healthy/exercise - we make time, no matter how tired/busy/stressed we are. We just forego other things, like time watching tv.

Funny how the fat phobics on here always say people are "stuffing their faces" rather than just, you know, eating. Hmm

WhereTheTeapotsJibberJabberJoo · 23/08/2023 22:07

JenniferBooth · 23/08/2023 21:18

So if you were overweight when you met your partner it is also unfair to lose weight no?

No because losing weight if overweight is a good thing for health. People want their partner to be healthy and happy.

Grumpy101 · 23/08/2023 22:16

Bodies change over time, circumstances change. A period of illness or stress will take its toll. It's not really a black or white answer.

JudgeRudy · 23/08/2023 22:17

SlowlyLosing · 23/08/2023 21:09

I feel that we owe it to each other to stay healthy, which means staying a healthy weight amongst other things.

How much weight is reasonable to gain depends on where you start. Lots of women are unhealthily thin in their 20s but look fabulous. Gaining a couple of stone probably puts them at the same bmi their husband was when they met and so on an even footing. Then most people gain weight as they get older. And women after child birth and during menopause.

I'm not sure I'd agree that lots of women are unhealthily thin but look fabulous in their 20s. Thin people are by far in the minority and of those a tiny proportion look good. The majority of us are overweight. Average is overweight and we've lost sight of what fat is.

Bandyarsia · 23/08/2023 22:17

I would absolutely love my husband if he put on a few stone.
I would not fancy him though. Those 2 things are very different.
If he put on 4 or 5 stone from overeating I would not be happy. I would not mind a bit of middle aged spread, happens to us all but if he was obese.... no. I would not fancy him at all and I would expect him to do something about it for himself and for his family.
But I would always love him as a person but would question why he allowed himself to put on 5 stone because that really is a huge amount and is completely from overeating.

Stravaig · 23/08/2023 22:18

SnapBang · 23/08/2023 21:07

Well it’s sort of both / neither. No one owes anyone a certain body shape. You are at perfect liberty to lose or gain weight over the course of your life as you wish. Similarly, you don’t have to stay in a relationship with someone you no longer find attractive (for any reason). In an ideal world, everyone would continue to find their partner attractive for life in spite of any changes, but that just often isn’t the case. The best you can do is to make sure you’re happy and prioritise what you want to.

This is unusually sensible and balanced for MN on weight in relationships 🤗

MajesticWhine · 23/08/2023 22:23

After 30 years, DH is around 2 or 3 stone lighter and I am about 1.5 stones heavier. If we keep this up I'll be able to crush him in one move.

oaktable · 23/08/2023 22:28

Well, if you're married, you've literally promised, in front of witnesses, to stay together for better or worse. So unreasonable.

Sothisiit · 23/08/2023 22:29

Personally I would not like it if my OH lost control of their weight to such an extent that they became physically different and we were unable to the activities we had done in the past.
I am conscious about my health, exercise and eat well. I would expect my partner to feel the same so that self inflicted medical issues do over rule our time together.
Of course I would support my partner if they needed assistance for a health issue but I would also see it as my duty to assist them back to good health too.
Life is so much better when you are fit and healthy, who wants diabetes, high blood pressure and damaged joints.

Bandyarsia · 23/08/2023 22:30

oaktable · 23/08/2023 22:28

Well, if you're married, you've literally promised, in front of witnesses, to stay together for better or worse. So unreasonable.

I think they mean unavoidable circumstances. Nobody is talking about leaving anyone they are asking if it is unreasonable put put on a load of weight and expect the other person not to care.

CreeperBoom · 23/08/2023 22:34

I have been with my DH for over 20 years, and in that time I have been:

  • a student, with typically unhealthy habits
  • a graduate, sitting at a desk 9+ hours per day
  • a healthy eating fanatic and marathon runner
  • an outdoors enthusiast
  • pregnant x 2
  • an exhausted and constantly starving breastfeeding mum
  • someone muddling through family life, not prioritising my own health

When you spend a lifetime with someone, you will change, they will change. Again and again.

It is important to not let your own needs become too low priority, but you need to do that for your own health, not because you are in competition with some past version of yourself.