Do you believe it’s unfair for a significant other to gain weight?

[TurkeyJerky]

Do you believe it’s unreasonable for a partner to gain a significant amount of weight over the course of a relationship? Do we owe our husbands / wives to remain in a similarly sized body or that we should be loved at any size?

reasonable - you should remain within in a similarly sized body as when you started the relationship

unreasonable - what! No way, they should love you anyway

Most people don't just one day sit on the sofa, start eating like shit and gain three stone suddenly. Most of us gain the weight slowly 1-2kg in a year that we can't shed and it slowly build up over several years.

I'm one of those dreded 14.5 stone. My clothing size is 16-18. And I don't sit on the sofa and exclusively eat cake. I can also get up from the seat and im not trapped due to fatness. I play foorball every week, go on hikes, swimming, gym etc. I'm aware I'm obese and I'm working on it. I'm not going around to claim my weight doest presipose me to future problems but to claim someone my weight is too fat to be active and just stuffs their face I also ridiculous.

Anyway, back to the question at hand. If the scenario is that one day your partner woke up significantly heavier and they refused to/were incapable of doing anything you did before as a couple vs they've gradually gained wright and they no longer have the six-pack. Very different things and I'd even argue that the first one isn't really even about the weight more about the change in previous established lifestyle.

Quite. It’s sad really that so many people are in relationships based on such shallow and transient factors.

I was incredibly fit and healthy when I married my wife- small size 8, was a dancer and at the gym or pool everyday, I was in my pre pregnancy skinny jeans until the last fortnight of pregnancy even (and only stopped wearing them when my bump dropped and the button didn’t fasten)-

then illness happened and I became an electric wheelchair user and with that and the enormous amount of medication I’m 7 odd stone heavier (I’m a size 22 now). Absolutely never saw this coming in my life.

Happily for me my wife married me because she loves me for who I am and what I’m about, not just because I was a super fit athletic type. She has never made me feel lesser because my body has changed, and we still have a great sex life (with some adjustments for my disability).

Couldn't agree more

I'm not against divorce. I just don't think weight gain is sufficient grounds for one.

I think if someone puts on a bit of weight over time, then even though I might prefer them not to, it wouldn't impact a loving relationship. If someone puts on 10 stone through the choices they make then then it's going to be an issue for me.

I’ve never really dieted or gone to the gym and have always been medium sized. My husband had a lot of very overweight people in his family and gained weight as soon as he stopped running marathons . I think genetics is involved and I have watched my adult daughters struggle with their weight. When they eat what I consider to be normally they gain weight. I have not seen them eat chocolate, biscuits crisps etc. They exercise but still have difficulty maintaining a healthy weight They are very pissed off about it and concerned about future health. Some people seem to have a lot more difficulty with this than others but posters go on about people being lazy and stuffing their faces.

Love and attraction are two different things….

If my DH put on weight I would still love him because he’s the same person, but I don’t think I would be as physically attracted to him as much.

Not necessarily- obesity is an extremely complex condition. It is not as simple as fat= eats loads of crap, thin= doesn’t eat loads of crap.

Exactly!
I always ate healthily and maintained my size without dieting or exercising as I was active all the time anyway.
Then menopause hit and rather than tweaking things to maintain my weight, I basically ignored the weight gain until I woke up to myself and actively did something about it.
It's not always about what you're eating.
My husband is naturally skinny, he eats like a horse and over 40 years later, can still fit into a pair of Levi jeans with ease that he bought in 1984!! I'd be lucky to get half a leg in a pair of jeans I bought five years ago!
My mum, two sisters and maternal grandmother all gained a lot of weight when they hit menopause, and like me, had to work at it to shift it and maintain a healthy weight / size.
Whereas my husband's mum and sisters are skinny like him and never put an ounce on, despite not being active or dieting.
Grrrrrr! Maddening.

I don't think it's shallow to not want to be with someone who is very overweight so that it affects how long they will live, how healthy they will live, what they can do on a day to day basis

Illness can strike anyone and alter your life forever - and the life of the person you live with - someone who increases the chance's significantly of life shattering events isn't caring for themselves or you

Just because you put on weight over menopause doesn't mean that it isn't about eating too much for you needs

It's complicated because of the brain body interactions and that includes the denial factor

I am fit and healthy and exercise at least 5 times a week but have been piling on the pounds over the past 18 months since I went into menopause and started on HRT. I now weigh more than any of you think is healthy and am obese but I don’t know what to do about it. I have been fairly slim my whole life so this is a horrible shock. I don’t expect my partner to find me attractive at this weight, but even though he is slim and handsome his personality has put me off him, so luckily I don’t actually care. I am only commenting to say weight gain can happen to anyone and may not be down to lack of effort. If you manage to stay slim in your 50s, then it is probably down to luck and genetics as well as effort!

I think I agree with this

I think many women were slim while giving it zero thought until Motherhood. Women who were previously weight conscious and had to "work at it" often come out the other side of Motherhood slimmer than those women who never gave it a thought until they stand on the scales years later having never weighed themselves before and get a massive shock. I think we need to acknowledge the role of pregnancy hormones too (leptin, insulin, oestrogens, androgens influence our appetite, metabolism). I think younger women today are extremely body conscious in comparison to when women my age were younger. That consciousness prevents piling on the pounds to a degree. My GP told me women become healthier all around when their children reach an age of independence. Parenting young children can be like a battle you just need to survive when juggling full time work and sleepless nights. U.K. food culture is to blame too in that junk/processed food is normalised. Some husbands will be supportive and make "huge salads". Most will not, so when you're in the trenches of survival mode, you eat what happens to be available. If you're reading this and feeling crap about your weight while juggling infants/toddlers, be kind to yourself! This was a bit of a tangent, sorry.

I agree.
If someone develops a life changing illness or disability then that's not their fault and you would do your best for them. In sickness and in health etc.
Gaining weight for no particular reason, such as illness or disability is a choice, as I've demonstrated with my own experience.
I wouldn't find a husband who was a fat breathless mess due to ignoring his diet attractive in any way at all, nor would I expect him to if it was the other way round.

Some abusive men prevent their partners from controlling their weight then berate them \ fat shame \ cheat on them for it.

So you're on dangerous ground with this line of thinking tbh.

I can't blame my weight gain on motherhood as my last pregnancy was over 30 years previous to my weight gain.

You know your husband best SunRainStorm but is it solely laziness that caused his weight gain? Of course we can all be lazy and eat too much or the wrong things and weight creeps up on us incrementally. It seems a little harsh to classify it just as laziness alone though. A lot of working patterns (shift work, night shifts) have been shown to cause obesity and stress and poor sleep can cause a rise in cortisol which affects your balance of sugars etc. And many of us are still trying to lose our pandemic weight gain.

@BaaCode and everyone else saying it would be different if your partner gained weight because of illness/accident/disability- if that were the case do you mean you would overcome your dislike of, or lack of attraction for, fat bodies; and still fancy your partner?

because if that is the case then surely it isn’t actually the aesthetic of being fat you don’t find attractive, it’s the perceived or actual change in lifestyle and eating habits which has lead to weight gain?

@Honitonhorses875

Honestly it's the lack of effort and awareness that I find unattractive as much as the physical/appearance aspects of it.

My DH seems to think that weight gain just happens to him, and it's not anything he's doing or not doing.

But I live with him and I see him making poor choices every day. Two servings of dinner most nights, ordering the fattiest choice from any menu, having two slices of cake at a dinner out then coming home and eating ice cream before going to bed, buying a takeaway for lunch everyday while WFH with a full fridge of healthy food available.

He says he doesn't have time to exercise but then spends hours a day scrolling on his phone. Sits down on the sofa at any opportunity when he could be doing something productive. Could spend his lunch hour cycling or running or even just pulling weeds in the garden. He chooses to drive to the shops for a takeaway and then sit at his computer watching American sports instead.

I've tried to get him to live more healthfully without badgering him about it. I used to try and get us to have a long walk as a family every Saturday morning, we'd pass a cafe and he'd suggest a takeaway coffee, then most times he'd come back with a large milkshake for himself.

It is so frustrating.

Hmm I think love and attraction are different and it needs considering.

I love my DH heart and soul, he could get a ridiculous tattoo on his face, gain a load of weight or start dressing only in orange and I would still love him,

Would a massive change in appearance affect my physical attraction? Maybe 🤷🏻‍♀️ I'm not really in control of chemistry I suppose and I just fancied him from the start

Thank you! The stereotype of sofa sitting and face stuffing is so pervasive and basically spiteful if it's based on assumption with no grounding. I eat identically to a lot of people. Normal portions of healthy meals 80% of the time. The occasional ice cream, dessert, few biscuits off a plate at family occasions, the odd pizza or fast food on a day out, a few glasses of wine at a party. Ok so I can't resist them. But neither can loads of other people I know. And they're slim.

Food is the main cause of obesity and part of obesity is depression and denial.

if you were left in a wood for a month with basic rations would you come out looking the same as when you went in? Not a chance.

I'm curious, would you say the same for significant weight loss?

My DH has remained the same weight since we married almost 40 years ago. I on the other hand have gained 4 stones. My wonderful DH understand how frustrated and downhearted I am about this and how I really struggle to lose the weight. He is endlessly patient, loving and supportive. He has had other struggles and I am supportive of him. In my opinion that is what marriage is all about.