Do you believe it’s unfair for a significant other to gain weight?

[TurkeyJerky]

Do you believe it’s unreasonable for a partner to gain a significant amount of weight over the course of a relationship? Do we owe our husbands / wives to remain in a similarly sized body or that we should be loved at any size?

reasonable - you should remain within in a similarly sized body as when you started the relationship

unreasonable - what! No way, they should love you anyway

It's not the body size. It's the change in mindset of not caring what your body looks like any more. THAT is not attractive.

Bodies change shape over time. Skin sags. Menopause brings some stomach fat. But there is no reason to stop trying to be healthy.

I can't vote because I don't think either thing really.

I think that if dress size / jeans size is a deal breaker for someone and they tell their partner this and they then gain weight, it's not going to be a surprise if their dp finds them unattractive and wants them to lose weight.

However, if i dated someone who told me their attraction depended on my weight being under x lbs, I'd run a mile.

Dh and I have lost and gained bits and pieces here and there. No major changes. But even if dh did or I did we'd be fine with it....to a point. I would struggle if someone was really, really overeating and it seemed unhealthy like binge eating, but that's a behaviour not a weight! I'd be concerned if dh suddenly started eating a lot more than usual even if he stayed slim

Lipoedema mostly appears or worsens greatly in your forties. You can't diet off the fat. Imagine being divorced because you have a disease!

Oh, wait...

Personally, I think you love the person amd the relationship is doomed if it is based on the physical. What if that person was in an accident and lost their legs so couldn't be active? What if they were the victim of an acid attack and were no longer conventiallt beautiful? How is this different to putting on weight (which could be for a variety of reasons)? Personally I've put on about 4 stone over the past 5 years. I'm not happy about it but my abusive ex used to control what I ate. I ended up with disordered eating and had to eat in secret. He berated me for years but before he started abusing me I was 2 dress sizes smaller. Am I really to blame and is he in the right to be annoyed I put on weight? Am I not loveable because of his behaviour?

I’ve got the opposite. I have lost a significant amount of weight. And My partner has gained weight. I am about the size when we first met - which is about 5kg lighter than when we got married I think. I gained a lot having kids and it just never shifted until now. I would like to lose more and increase my fitness further which he doesn’t really get.

My ex lost a lot of weight before embarking on dating, then put it all back on again after he met me when he was confident we were together and exclusive. I did feel it was sneaky and unfair. It didn't look good on him (I have been out with much bigger men), and he started to get out of breath and complain about his knees hurting whenever we tried to do anything active. It also made sex difficult and awkward.

When he started to lose it again, I had a very strong suspicion it was because he was either cheating or looking to, and I was right.

Please don't hate me for asking!!!-genuine question as some people have touched upon the pregnancy-gain point...

The feelings from many of the above posts are that gaining up to a threshold weight is fine, but beyond that, it is fair to want your partner to lose it in a sensible amount of time.

What are the feelings for pregnancy? Obviously weight gain is natural, but how much is too much, and is it fair for a partner to 'prefer' (trying to word tactfully) you to return to near-ish what they were accustomed to?

If men get 'Santa-sized', many women would leave them if they were accustomed to six packs... but do women have a pregnancy 'get out of jail free card'?

Hopefully I didn't offend anyone with that question, the OP's question got me curious...

of course as people age weight is harder to shift, but I think for the most part you should try and stay somewhat the size you were when you met. I have no issue when my partner gains a few extra pounds, but I’d have a hard time finding him attractive if he gained a significant amount of weight.

She didn’t ask about love. She asked about physical attraction. They are two very different things.

This sounds terribly dreadful, I’m so sorry this happened to you. We are all deserving of love, of course, regardless of appearance. My post isn’t in any way referencing any kind of abuse or torment based on weight of a partner, this is entirely different and is no excuse to degrade or bully someone. I hope you are in a loving space now and healing.

I the OP she clearly asked if you should love them anyway?

I thought it would bother me but when my OH gained significant weight it didn't. People get older, they physically change, it was just something that happened. I'd be happy for her to be slim again but it's not a deal breaker

Neither? I mean I don't think it's unreasonable to gain weight. I don't think it is your responsibility to make sure you're the same size as you met cause life happens. Also there is a difference between being a 17yo and 65 yo.

But I don't think you can expect your partner to love you and find you attractive no matter what. I'd expect there to be some give and take and understanding

it's the mindset that goes along with an unhealthy weight that's the issue for me not he weight itself.
good foods/bad foods too much or too little exercise are all part of an unhealthy way of living and eventually an unhealthy body.

After having children and going through the menopause I am significantly heavier now than when I got married.
My mother was exactly the same. It's nothing I have done I eat less now than I did then. It wasn't my choice to put on weight it's genetics, hormones etc.
Should that be grounds for divorce?

I guess my point is the same. Why do you love the person? If its purely physical or about physical capabilities how will you withstand the ravages of time? If you no longer want to be with someone because they are fat, what was underpinning the relationship in the first place?

Totally understandable that you don't fancy your partner anymore perhaps or disappointed you can't do certain things as a result. How is that different from them e.g. having a debilitating illness?

Weight gain can happen increasingly easily with age so no, I don't think so, what is required to stay slim is not always what it was when you first got together.

Obviously with women there is the specific childbirth mitigating factor, as well.

I think there's an argument that choosing to become far more unhealthy isn't fair to the partner, but this would have to be fairly extreme to not be understandable and forgivable.

I don’t think you ‘owe’ a partner certain body type, no, but I also don’t think someone should expect their partner to find the change attractive. No one owes anyone desire, either.

I would not have been attracted to my DH if was the size he is now.

And I know he fancies slim women. So ditto, I suspect.

It's not a crime to dislike fatness!

Also weight gain/weight loss usually comes with a lifestyle change that has a bigger effect on the relationship

I suppose because non medical related weight gain is a choice? And illness or injury are not (I am the one who has gained weight in my personal situation, no medical needs other than being a sleep deprived mum!)

I think it’s a very difficult one.

Its very normal for people’s weight to fluctuate (especially women’s) and I think your love for your partner should be deeper than just their looks, up to a certain point.

If my DP put on or lost a couple of stone it wouldn’t bother me that much but if he put on or lost 5 stone or more then I’d probably not find them attractive.

Being healthy is attractive.
If my DP stayed the same weight but started chain smoking, lying on the sofa all day, drinking all day etc other unhealthy things then it would also put me off.

You don't owe it to anyone to be attractive.

Crack on and gain five stone, or take up smoking, or get that spider web tattooed on your face.

But accept that the consequence of doing any of those things might be that your partner stops fancying you. Which they are also allowed to do. Since no one owes you their unconditional desire either.

Agree!

YABVU OP

I have got fatter over the last 20 years and after two kids but my wallet has got fatter still 😁. Probably not a bad trade off, especially as DH now has grey hair and moobs.