Do you believe it’s unfair for a significant other to gain weight?

[TurkeyJerky]

Do you believe it’s unreasonable for a partner to gain a significant amount of weight over the course of a relationship? Do we owe our husbands / wives to remain in a similarly sized body or that we should be loved at any size?

reasonable - you should remain within in a similarly sized body as when you started the relationship

unreasonable - what! No way, they should love you anyway

I think I'd still love the person regardless and I'd see it as supportive to help them become healthier. Marriage is really about being there for each other regardless.

It depends, I would be concerned about the health of someone who gained a large amount of weight and I want my partner to be around as long as possible and be as healthy and happy as possible.
Would I be less attracted to or stop loving my partner because he gained weight? Absolutely not! I love him regardless and want him to feel good about himself at any weight.

Well, yes. This, basically.

Health conditions aside, you cannot expect to dramatically change your appearance and expect the other party to still find you as physically attractive as before. Equally, you cannot expect to control someone to the point they they’re ‘not allowed’ to gain weight.

I admit I would find my partner less attractive if he put on a lot of weight.

No, I definitely don't. I'd expect my fiancée to tbh at different times in his life. Life is a hard slog sometimes and wonderful at others when you're thriving. I find weight and body tends to reflect that. If he puts in weight it's probably because his gym sessions are less of a priority to our circumstances. He's gorgeous and kind and I love him all ways as he would with me.

I'm on the other side of this, I was never slim but I was smaller when I met my DH. Neither do I "stuff my face", I eat normally but I've struggled with weight my whole life. You lot would be horrified if you knew how much I weigh at the moment 😂
I can understand a lack of attraction to someone who has bad habits in general, eating crap being part of that, along with bad hygiene and laziness but for some of us, being slim is a lifelong fight and some of the attitudes here lack a huge amount of empathy. No one chooses to be fat - are you for real?!
I don't need to justify anything here but I eat well and healthily and I exercise regularly. I'm clean and well dressed, work full time and have lots of interests. I don't have osteoporosis or require new knees or hips. I'm not on any regular medication not even HRT but this thread is soul destroying.
I've spent far too much of my life feeling unattractive and trying to lose weight, even now I watch every mouthful. I have tried and tried but I'm just not capable of losing weight and keeping it off. I've spent 40 odd years being hungry and I'm done.
Is it just extra weight that puts you off? If so, have you considered it could be a prejudice. It sounds superficial to find a few pounds or even a stone or two on the person you love a dealbreaker...

For the record, in my 60s, married 35 years, still have a decent sex life.

You have literally no idea about the complexities of obesity. Did you know that one of the biggest predictors of weight gain is dieting? I was a size 12 when I met my husband 26 years ago. I wanted to be a bit thinner so I went on a diet. In common with 95% of dieters, set point theory then came into play, I was overwhelmed by hunger and cravings and ended up bigger than I was to start with. Rinse and repeat x 1000. I've now been making every effort to eat healthily and exercising regularly for 25 years. And I'm size 22 and 16 stone. Thankfully my husband still loves me.

A few pound or even a stone would not bother me, 3 or more stone and a huge belly would absolutely put me off sexually. I would still love him but would not want sex with a very overweight man. No.

It's a silly question because like most things there's a more nuanced discussion about how a body ages and changes shape at different stages in life. If my partner were to continue to make an effort and be smart when it mattered I wouldn't worry about his weight. I wouldn't want to be with someone who allowed their weight to dominate their life though.

I've now been making every effort to eat healthily and exercising regularly for 25 years. And I'm size 22

But you must be eating a lot of crap aswell though in fairness.

For health yes, it would be good if they stayed a reasonable weight (assuming they were a reasonable weight to start with), but for attractiveness I'd disagree. People change physically in all sorts of ways over the years - they generally get old and haggard for a start! Men lose their hair, women's bodies sag...

Funny how women over 14 stone “stuff their faces” but people under that just …well…”eat”

I wouldn't love or care for my partner any less if they gained a lot of weight but personally I don't find obesity sexually attractive so would struggle in that department.

I might be unreasonable for feeling that way but I think if my partner did pile the weight on purely out of laziness and greed, they would be being unreasonable for expecting me to find them as attractive as I did before.

When I talk about piling the weight on, I don't mean rounder round the edges or a lack of a six pack, I'm talking about a belly that overhangs/hides their genitals. It's not sexy, sorry.

I think ‘unfair’ is an odd choice of words when it comes to gaining weight. I doubt there are many overweight people who are happy about gaining weight themselves-worrying what their partners think isn’t helpful.
Ideally we would all stay young, fit and slim, but that’s not the reality in many marriages/relationships. It’s pretty shallow to say it’s unfair of them.

My dh is twice the weight he was when we got married. What bovers me is that he is still gaining weight and shows no interest in even stabilising or maintaining this weight. He always said shoot me if get like ( insert a man walking down the street with his belly flopping over his belt and by his knees) but if I point out nothing fits him he gets all defensive. That's what's unattractive. No self awareness. Not the weight gain.

My partner is not tiny, but very fit. He used to be quite fat, and worked hard to lost over a hundred pounds.
If he gained a bunch of weight he would be miserable. It's been years since he lost the weight and eating right and exercising are really important to him.
I am not attracted to overweight people. I would still love him with all my heart, but no I wouldn't want to have sex with him. Sex is important to me, so that would be a bridge we would have to discuss and cross.

How much we talking here? Normal weight gain / body shape changing sure. Deal with it. It happens to us all.

going from healthy to morbidly obese whilst it impacts lifestyle etc? That’s a no for me. Probably wouldn’t be that keen on OH if he became super skinny and stopped enjoying nice meals out and a glass of wine. It’s lifestyle really.

people change as time goes on. Putting a bit of weight on is normal. But extreme changes that completely change your appearance eg unhealthy BMI either way, can be concerning. That sort of transformation changes your entire aesthetic. Like it or not, what your body looks like contributes to your overall aesthetic and attraction

Agreed!
I don't think anyone is saying we have to find obesity attractive but it's not the only thing that changes as we age, believe me.
Is it unfair that my DH has gone bald? He could have a transplant. Not much to ask.

YABU. You do not owe your partner a particular type of body. The chances are that, even if you don't gain significant weight, you will change somewhat in appearance as you get older, and probably become less conventionally attractive. If such things end a relationship, it was probably somewhat superficial to start with. Which doesn't mean that the partners involved were consciously selfish or dishonest; such feelings are often beyond one's control and can't be helped. But one should not be self-righteous about a partner having a duty to keep their body in a particular shape.

Mmm I have put on a bit of weight recently and lost quite a lot of muscle tone.

Strictly speaking it's not pregnancy related (I went back to my normal weight quickly due to breastfeeding and, frankly, stress).

But it's related to parenting: with working full-time (often long hours) and being a mum, I don't have time for my morning yoga anymore. Life happens and we change... would feel quite hard done by if my husband ditched me because I'm too busy looking after the family and earning money to find time to do my favourite hobby as much as I used to

Yes. I roll my eyes when people say “I mAkE tImE.” My husband and I were both in the gym several days a week pre-kids and pre- new responsibilities at work which meant we were working ridiculous hours or, when we became parents, constantly running around doing chores at home, which often felt so overwhelming that they could be done 24/7 and I’d still not finish. Both of these things make you reach for the carbs and in my experience calorie counting goes out the window when you have far bigger priorities esp kids.

From personal experience, yes I do.
When I met my husband I was a slim, trim young woman.
Over the years, my size ballooned from a size 10 to to a size 22, while his body remained the same size.
I noticed that intimacy between us was dwindling, and although he never mentioned my size, I knew he found it off putting.
Neither of us were ever attracted to larger people.
I took steps to address it and got myself down to a size 14, which I was happy with and life improved in all ways as I was fitter and more confident in myself too.
It wasn't until I lost the weight that I realised how unhappy I was within myself, which had an impact on my relationship with him, particularly as I would ' hide ' myself, as in not letting him see me naked or undressing in front of him etc.
So yes, I think it's unfair on your partner.

I think it's unfair for a partner to let themselves go.

I've had pregnancies, miscarriages, babies, breastfeeding etc and maintained a consistent weight. When my weight goes up a little I eat better and move more to get back to where I like to be.

DH on the other hand has let himself get fatter every year, and if I'm honest, I resent it. I don't want to be married to a fat person. I don't think it's fair to our family for him to disregard his health in this way. He also looks completely different.

I would never have dated someone that was overweight. If it was a health condition or out of his control it wouldn't bother me as much. But it's just that he's lazy and eats too much.

At the start of my relationship 2010 I was a size 12 I'm a size 20/22 now

Two pregnancys, depression that left me suicidal, covid, the death of my dog at the time so my motivation to go walking was lost and a few other medical problems all contributed

Dp has also put on some weight but much less he went from a 34 to 36 waist he has never mentioned it unless I bring it up and is nothing but supportive

I suppose It depends on the situation/relationship if I was unable to do normal daily things I would understand him getting upset
There are alot of things I can't do but they are due to medical issues not my weight I can walk for miles, I can run though my asthmatic lungs give out well before my legs

I am trying to shift the weight for my own peice of mind but i will never get back to where I was the best I can hope for is a 16