Do you believe it’s unfair for a significant other to gain weight?

[TurkeyJerky]

Do you believe it’s unreasonable for a partner to gain a significant amount of weight over the course of a relationship? Do we owe our husbands / wives to remain in a similarly sized body or that we should be loved at any size?

reasonable - you should remain within in a similarly sized body as when you started the relationship

unreasonable - what! No way, they should love you anyway

My husband has never got fat but he has gotten WAY too thin when he went on this ridiculous clean eating diet. I hated how he looked. To me, he looked ill and unwell. It wasn’t attractive. Thankfully now he went beck to his normal diet and gained the weight back. So I would say it works both ways.

Fair enough Sunrainstorm I can very much sympathise with the lack of awareness and effort. It’s almost not about food is it; it’s about having energy and enthusiasm and a willingness to change and try new things.

My dh frustrates me because he says he is going to watch what he is eating and then goes and buys a huge pack of doughnuts and chocolate biscuits at the supermarket of which of course he will eat “just one” but then he eats another and another and it’s just ridiculous really. There’s just no need to buy it in the first place! But he doesn’t listen! So I do sympathise.

In your case it seems like your dh is almost depressed or living a half-life. Could he be depressed do you think? Either way, the change has to come from within himself.

It's difficult because I sort of agree that significant bodily changes do effect the other person but in my case, my bodily changes are a direct result of carrying my husband's children so can he really be that upset about it? I was always skinny and then we had our children and although I increased my activity (can't be inactive with toddlers to care for) my body changed drastically. Over the years my weight went up by 4 stone. I don't think I'm badly overweight and actually feel quite comfortable in my skin now but I've tried to shift I'm the weight and it's never worked unless I spend my whole life hungry on under 900 calories and exercising for hours each day. It's a shitty way to live.
I still eat far less than my husband and move more miles each day than he does but he remains skinny as a rake and doesn't put the weight on. I'll take a salad when he takes cheesy chips. I'll eat vegetables when he'll have fried chicken but still, my body post babies doesn't act like my husband's does weight wise. So what am I supposed to do? Thankfully he's a wonderful man who loves every bit of me.

I totally agree having babies changes your body and you never look the same as you did before. I know I have 4 but I wouldn't use it as an reason to gain and keep 4 stone because that simply is not true.

My husband married a 5.10 size 8 me. Since then I’ve carried two children - after both pregnancies my body shape changed but stayed around size 10/12 post pregnancy with a stomach that won’t go down.

im now 45, 13 years after my last pregnancy and now I’m a size 14 at times need a 16. Genetics , hormones have played their part - all the females in my Mum side carry the weight on their stomachs - we all joke when we get together.

I have complained to my husband - but he loves me. He knows I don’t eat badly, I exercise & I’ve carried our two children. He loves and accepts me for me. I try not to focus on it - but when elastic waist bands the only choice it is annoying!

@Honitonhorses875

I empathise with the donuts thing!

I've wondered whether he is a little depressed, I've suggested he see a counsellor because he does eat more when he is stressed or upset about something so there is definitely a connection there. He hasn't booked an appointment though.

I think he always had a big appetite, but was more active when he was younger so it balanced out. He used to have to walk to the station to get to work. Now he's WFH. He used to play sport with friends a few times a week, now they are all Dads and don't do it anymore. So his lifestyle is very sedentary but he hasn't adjusted his calorie intake to reflect that.

I've suggested he join a sports team but he doesn't want to do it without friends and he says he doesn't have time.

I think his parents have a poor understanding of portion control as well. They couldn't control their own weight so they've just decided to be on meal plans forever where the food is delivered portioned for them. When there was, for example, a plate of chocolate biscuits to have with coffee- I would have one or maybe none with my coffee, while they and my husband would just eat one immediately after another until they are gone, and not even really register that they were eating at all.

DH Will frequently say 'I haven't eaten all day, no time for breakfast etc' but I'll have seen him eating - chips while waiting for dinner, having a muffin while packing the children's lunches, biscuits with his coffee, eating white bread from the bag, a croissant with his takeaway coffee etc. those all have calories, but it's like because it wasn't a sit down meal he doesn't count it as eating.

@Hellostrawberries

"Thank you! The stereotype of sofa sitting and face stuffing is so pervasive and basically spiteful if it's based on assumption with no grounding. I eat identically to a lot of people. Normal portions of healthy meals 80% of the time. The occasional ice cream, dessert, few biscuits off a plate at family occasions, the odd pizza or fast food on a day out, a few glasses of wine at a party. Ok so I can't resist them. But neither can loads of other people I know. And they're slim."

I'm relatively slim and I know a lot of my friends who struggle with weight think they eat similarly to me. But the way I eat on days out, on family occasions etc isn't reflective of my whole diet.

If I'm out for dinner I might have a creamy pasta, a glass of wine and a dessert. But what my friends don't see is that the next day I will probably have a vegetable soup or something very light for lunch, and do an extra 15 minutes on the treadmill to balance it out.

Its all about context. If someone is really stuffing their face and not exercising then yeah. But there are lots of other factors in which case YABU.

@herewegoroundthebastardbush so much of what you say resonates with me. I’m desperate to lose the weight I gained having my children, I feel miserable looking at myself in the mirror. I know what I need to do but life is so busy and relentless that it so really hard to prioritise that. It’s easy to say that’s a choice but not sure what to drop in order to find time to exercise, plan healthier meals etc and like you said, sometimes the stuff I shouldn’t eat feels like the only nice thing I get. I absolutely know I’m an emotional eater and that I need to change my mindset, but having the headspace to do that is hard.

Yes I think not eating mindfully at the table and in front of tv can cause a lot of weight gain. I know my dh definitely eats something sugary when he’s stressed or bored too. And he will do the eating a snack before dinner thing! Usually a cheese sandwich with a massive hunk of white bread. Drives me nuts!

I am not really in a position to complain though because I have put on weight too. For me it wasn’t pregnancy itself that made a difference as I got back in to shape very quickly.

It was the routine of having to provide meals throughout the day (I was a sahm until dc were seven and nine) and it was really just the fact that family life necessitates being around food a lot and I didn’t have enough self control around it. Also, during the early years, fatigue makes you want to comfort eat. Even now if I see a sweet treat I will want to eat it. For me, out of sight is out of mind so much better not to buy it in the first place!

Menopause has definitely influenced my weight too. My breasts have got bigger as has my tum. I walk miles every day so it’s quite depressing!

Yes, because if he became fat due to laziness or greed, then I would wonder about his lack of respect for both himself and me and that in itself would be unattractive to me.
So it wouldn't just be his physical appearance that would be off putting to me in that case.

The only person on this entire thread who seems to have a balanced and sane opinion on this issue is @ApolloandDaphne

Most of the other posts are varying degrees of paranoia, ED behaviour and/or furious self-justification.

@Dramatico Really? I don't find that.

The only time I gained a lot of weight was due to abuse and trauma.

@SunRainStorm
I would never have dated someone that was overweight. If it was a health condition or out of his control it wouldn't bother me as much. But it's just that he's lazy and eats too much.

Presumably you would never have dated a 90-year-old either, but one day you'll be married to one. Assuming you don't chuck him for being fat (which is your right of course).

I'll be honest I really don't believe that anybody is 'just lazy and eats too much'. Overeating is a sign of unmet needs. being overweight is painful and uncomfortable and exhausting, nobody does it by choice - there will be a reason why he can't stop, probably a psychological one. And no that's not your issue if you don't choose to take it on, but unless you are planning to leave it might help you with your resentment and frustration to try and see your husband as someone exhibiting symptoms of an illness, rather than someone destroying their body because they don't care about you or wants to spite you.

Apparently mindless eating |(especially tasteless stodge like white bread from the bag) is also a sign he's not doing this for the pleasure of it - it's a compulsion at work.

No, I’d come out dead. That wouldn’t be an improvement.

@Dramatico which one am I?

I've deliberately avoided reading other replies so as not to be influenced OP!

Illness apart, I believe partners should be considerate and respectful of each other to the extent that they keep themselves to a healthy weight as far as possible. Obviously most people's metabolisms tend to slow with age and they become less active, but just piling on the pounds with no regard to how it will affect your partner is selfish and entitled, I think.

I do that as well. I'm still obese.

Anyway, that aside, I do think this attitude of finding your partner less attractive if they put on weight is sheer fat phobic. Through no fault of his own my husband's body is less attractive now than it was when I met him. He used to have great legs. Now one of them is severely disfigured following surgery. He's developed alopecia and has lost his hair, eyebrows and large sections of his body hair. I'm every bit as attracted to him now as I was 25 years ago. I'm not 14! I don't look at a man's body and think phwoar. I fancy him because of how he makes me feel, his love for me, the twinkle in his eye.

@Hellostrawberries exactly this.

I actually showed my wife this thread earlier and said to her apparently most people would have gone off me now (gone from thin athlete to fat disabled woman)… she just laughed and rolled her eyes, and said she loves and is attracted to who I am, not the body I happen to be in.

Anyone here could be a double amputee and on steroids for life by next week- presumably they would all be very understanding when 3 months later their blokes tell them they aren’t thin and active enough anymore and they don’t fancy them.

Why would you come out dead if you were given enough food to sustain you?

If you had read the thread you would have seen I am severely disabled and in need of regular medication and care…

Because it's not just about food. It's about shelter; clean water; reasonably comfortable and accessible places to sit and sleep; etc.

And 'enough food to sustain you' doesn't necessarily mean 'a balanced diet'. Without adequate refrigeration and cooking facilities, much of the food would soon go bad. If you were lucky, there would be enough fruits, nuts and berries in the woods to prevent actual starvation, but it would still probably not be a very balanced diet.

Not everyone can be Robinson Crusoe!

And that is for people with no health problems dependent on medication or regular medical treatments. Which many people on this thread do require.