Do you believe it’s unfair for a significant other to gain weight?

[TurkeyJerky]

Do you believe it’s unreasonable for a partner to gain a significant amount of weight over the course of a relationship? Do we owe our husbands / wives to remain in a similarly sized body or that we should be loved at any size?

reasonable - you should remain within in a similarly sized body as when you started the relationship

unreasonable - what! No way, they should love you anyway

A lot of fat phobia on this thread! E.g. equating thin with healthy. I've had thin, binge-drinking, meal-skipping, cigarette-smoking times. And times where I've eating better, exercising, not puking up with hangovers every Saturday... but bigger.

I think the answer is that marriage is a partnership, and they all work differently. It's all about communication and working together. You need to set priorities as a couple. Some people will prioritise trying to stay slim, some will prioritise enjoying a few takeaways etc. If thinness is a priority then your other half needs to help: ie helping you make time for exercise, maybe picking a health holiday (like hiking, or spa) for next trip, doing some exercise together.

If you are feel shitty because of weight gain, it might help to do some exercise: can really help with a sense of achievement etc.

Personally being thin isn't a particular priority. I don't want to be watching my portion size all the time. Being fit is more important to me.

I am talking about food. You would have had all the help you need. Just balanced healthy meals 3 times a day. You would lose weight. End of. You be are being deliberately obtuse.

I'm interested to know what a lot of posters on here will do when their partner's body changes significantly, or when theirs does.
It's not always under our control.

I would feel similarly to this.

Ok let’s rephrase. Say you had someone else shop and cook for you while you stayed at home. Basic, nutritional, healthy, properly portioned 3 meals a day. You would lose weight. Guaranteed.

It totally depends why they gained weight.
My DH eats well and exercises as do I, if we stopped these and started gaining weight it would be offputting on both sides! Not only would I hate myself but I’d not expect anyone else to find me attractive!

If the cause was beyond our control, that’s totally different!!

I literally live a super healthy lifestyle and have steadily gained weight since having children. Glad my healthy dh loves me for who I am. I defo eat more healthily than he does

Jerez, thanks for explaining my own reality to me. How the fuck did I cope without you?!

So, @Bandyarsia has solved the ‘obesity crisis’- round up all the people whose physicality and aesthetic we don’t like, and all the people who have the ‘wrong’ attitude to food, and exercise… and life in general… and ship them off together to a forest where they will be held on starvation rations until they loose weight at all costs. Those that survive will be liberated as reformed and better people. Excellent, excellent plan.

Meanwhile in the real world- weight issues are actually, scientifically, not that simple. There is masses of research and evidence on the subject, freely accessible to all. It used to be believed that simply eating less and moving more would make all people loose weight, and they would continue to lose weight if they continued on that path, but medical knowledge has moved on and developed- I suggest you do too.

@Letitgonowgr can I ask- if fat bodies are off putting to you, why do you say it would be different if there was a cause for weight gain that was beyond your husbands control?

Do you mean that you wouldn’t fancy him or want sex with him if he got fat due to disability/illness, but you would still love and respect him?

Or do you mean that if the weight gain wasn’t his ‘fault’ you would see past/excuse/embrace his fatness and still fancy him and want sex with him?

Bullshit. You say you have been eating healthy and exercising for 25 years but you are a size 22. You are obviously still eating too much…. For whatever reason.
excuses excuses. At least be honest like others here and admit it boils down to what you are eating.

I hold my hands up and apologise. I made a mistake and I was wrong.

Just to say going from an athlete to disabled, I hold my hands up to you. I don't even know how to react.

sidenote i've gained maybe 10 kilos in the past year (doctor asked me to). one thing ive noticed is i get far less compliments about my appearance. it's odd when i was at the stage of no periods/dizzy spells/always cold i was asked what i was doing to look so good (gym/food advice). my partner admitted he didnt find me as attractive when i was too thin (who knows if truthful or just being supportive) but he loves me/attraction and love is not the same

Finding overweight or obese people not attractive is not fatphobic. That's such an ignorant statement. I am not attracted to overweight people. I am not a bad person for not fancying certain bodies.

I mean it’s more about attitude… if he gained weight because he didn’t care, that would be really off putting, if it was medical and he really didn’t have a choice then it would be different. Mindset is a massive thing and can be a real turn on or off!! However, I’m not in that situation so it’s hard to tell!!

To be absolutely honest I know I would no longer fancy my partner if he gained a lot of weight. I would still love him if the gain was unavoidable (health etc.) but if it was through gluttony or laziness I would lose respect, feel contempt and ultimately no longer love him, I think.

I completely agree. We all have our tastes, and finding some people attractive and others not is not 'phobic' of those whom we don't find attractive. However, some posts on this thread are going way beyond that to imply that they would feel contemptuous and disrespectful of a partner who 'let themselves go' and gained too much weight through 'laziness' or 'greed'. And that is fatphobic IMO, as it's a moral judgement, not just an attractiveness judgement. Especially if the moral judgement is not applied to everyone who has a large appetite or a sedentary lifestyle, but just to those who look fat.

No idea; I'm not invested enough in this thread to track individual usernames to their statements. @ApolloandDaphne stood out because they were being sensible.

It's sad to think that any marriage or LTR could be so tenuous as to be in trouble if one partner gained a lot of weight. Weight gain is complex and is often linked to an underlying cause. A relative of mine gained a lot of weight since they had a stroke and became less mobile. It does not affect who they are as a person.

Of course if someone gains a lot of weight and isn't happy with that, and wants to lose it, then of course I support them. I am in that position with someone in my life right now. But I wouldn't be leaving my marriage because of a few extra stone. It's ridiculous.

Both me and DP have put on. He has always been a fair size chap and he has increased. It doesn't affect how I feel about him one tiny bit, it's almost like his weight is actually completely irrelevant. I fancy him just as much as I always have, more so probably because of how much I adore him, and we still have a bloody good sex life. I've put on a decent amount too and he says I'm gorgeous... 😂 blind git!
That's life. I'm a nurse - I see couples at the end of life and in every variation of health possible. Yes attraction is important, but there will come a point when it is very far down the list and what remains is the love.

I think it depends.

I weigh 2 stone more than when DH and i got together.

We got together when i was 21 and very very slim - i hadn't really finished "filling out". I'm now the other side of two children, approaching 40. Im not overweight, I'm just a very different shape. I could lose probably a stone and I'd like to, more than that wouldn't look that healthy on a woman my height/age/build.