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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do you believe it’s unfair for a significant other to gain weight?

195 replies

TurkeyJerky · 23/08/2023 21:00

Do you believe it’s unreasonable for a partner to gain a significant amount of weight over the course of a relationship? Do we owe our husbands / wives to remain in a similarly sized body or that we should be loved at any size?

reasonable - you should remain within in a similarly sized body as when you started the relationship

unreasonable - what! No way, they should love you anyway

OP posts:
herewegoroundthebastardbush · 23/08/2023 22:46

TurkeyJerky · 23/08/2023 21:00

Do you believe it’s unreasonable for a partner to gain a significant amount of weight over the course of a relationship? Do we owe our husbands / wives to remain in a similarly sized body or that we should be loved at any size?

reasonable - you should remain within in a similarly sized body as when you started the relationship

unreasonable - what! No way, they should love you anyway

You are nixing your own question by saying "except in cases of I'll health/mental health issues/etc etc"; you're basically only allowing for the case where an otherwise perfectly contented person decides to regularly consume excess calories for the merry hell of it. This is hardly anyone, and especially hardly any women. Women in western culture (and indeed in most cultures) have a fucked up relationship with food of one sort or another foisted on them almost as soon as they can talk. It is never just as simple as fancying a few extra biscuits too often if you're talking significant weight gain (4-5 st). Gaining that kind of weight (absent a physical cause) takes either a long time or extreme overeating, it hurts your joints, your clothes don't fit, it's expensive. Noone gets that way or stays that way because they simply can't be arsed to do anything about it. Its a compulsion. It's stress, exhaustion, depression, isolation, the feeling of having nothing for yourself except what comfort you can cram in at your desk or in the car between work and nursery and afterschool clubs, it's never just gluttony because there's always an unmet need underlying the decision to overeat.

My view is that overeating is alcoholism for people who can't afford for their life to spiral, people with others who depend on them to keep the wheels on - so basically women. If a woman who binge eats was a man, she'd be drinking 10 cans of cider, falling down drunk, throwing up on the living room and unable to get up the next morning from the hangover. A wife, a mother, a working woman usually cant do that, as no-one is going to pick up the pieces, get the kids to school, clear up the puke. So instead they eat a family size dairy milk and a grab bag of crisps with their single glass of wine, so the only person who suffers for their dysfunctional self-soothing mechanism is themselves.

Noone who puts on 4-5 stone in a couple of years is just glibly "choosing" that.

I have gone from around 10.5 stone to around 14 in the last 5 years and I sometimes feel amazed none of the people in my life are just appalled and worried and asking me if I'm ok. Because I'm not. I'm like this, and I'm overeating, not because it makes me happy. It's making me sick and uncomfortable and in pain. I'm doing it because I can't stop.

To answer your question, sudden excessive weight gain is a perfectly legit reason to leave your partner. But so is waking up in the morning, looking at them and just not liking their face any more. Anyone can legitimately leave any relationship for any reason. I think the quality of the overall relationship, and the commitments that depend on it (e.g. children) will determine how important physical appearance will be in deciding to call if a day or not. It's not a question of "is it a good enough reason for someone to leave someone?"; more "how important is this to you given the context?".

Certainly I can't see anyone suffering from overeating being motivated to stop it by the idea their partner will leave them if they don't. Indeed I can only imagine feeling as shit and anxious as that would make someone feel would only tighten the spiral of addictive behaviour.

Bandyarsia · 23/08/2023 22:52

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 23/08/2023 22:46

You are nixing your own question by saying "except in cases of I'll health/mental health issues/etc etc"; you're basically only allowing for the case where an otherwise perfectly contented person decides to regularly consume excess calories for the merry hell of it. This is hardly anyone, and especially hardly any women. Women in western culture (and indeed in most cultures) have a fucked up relationship with food of one sort or another foisted on them almost as soon as they can talk. It is never just as simple as fancying a few extra biscuits too often if you're talking significant weight gain (4-5 st). Gaining that kind of weight (absent a physical cause) takes either a long time or extreme overeating, it hurts your joints, your clothes don't fit, it's expensive. Noone gets that way or stays that way because they simply can't be arsed to do anything about it. Its a compulsion. It's stress, exhaustion, depression, isolation, the feeling of having nothing for yourself except what comfort you can cram in at your desk or in the car between work and nursery and afterschool clubs, it's never just gluttony because there's always an unmet need underlying the decision to overeat.

My view is that overeating is alcoholism for people who can't afford for their life to spiral, people with others who depend on them to keep the wheels on - so basically women. If a woman who binge eats was a man, she'd be drinking 10 cans of cider, falling down drunk, throwing up on the living room and unable to get up the next morning from the hangover. A wife, a mother, a working woman usually cant do that, as no-one is going to pick up the pieces, get the kids to school, clear up the puke. So instead they eat a family size dairy milk and a grab bag of crisps with their single glass of wine, so the only person who suffers for their dysfunctional self-soothing mechanism is themselves.

Noone who puts on 4-5 stone in a couple of years is just glibly "choosing" that.

I have gone from around 10.5 stone to around 14 in the last 5 years and I sometimes feel amazed none of the people in my life are just appalled and worried and asking me if I'm ok. Because I'm not. I'm like this, and I'm overeating, not because it makes me happy. It's making me sick and uncomfortable and in pain. I'm doing it because I can't stop.

To answer your question, sudden excessive weight gain is a perfectly legit reason to leave your partner. But so is waking up in the morning, looking at them and just not liking their face any more. Anyone can legitimately leave any relationship for any reason. I think the quality of the overall relationship, and the commitments that depend on it (e.g. children) will determine how important physical appearance will be in deciding to call if a day or not. It's not a question of "is it a good enough reason for someone to leave someone?"; more "how important is this to you given the context?".

Certainly I can't see anyone suffering from overeating being motivated to stop it by the idea their partner will leave them if they don't. Indeed I can only imagine feeling as shit and anxious as that would make someone feel would only tighten the spiral of addictive behaviour.

Where does anyone say leave their partner?

Overeating is an addiction like any other...drugs, alcohol etc. You need treatment but very few women or men go for it but would be expected to if they were an alcoholic or sniffing powder up their nose every day. It all does damage. Eating yourself to 4 or 5 stone heavier than you were is a significant problem. You have every right to expect your partner to still love you but no right to expect them to still find you attractive while grossly overweight.

MissTrip82 · 23/08/2023 22:53

Extreme weight gain is an issue for a number of reasons.

I’m openly laughing at the people who describe themselves as active and healthy and it’s their normal and can’t change though. Many many overweight people would have said the same about themselves. I’m afraid the arrogance that makes you think you’re immune doesn’t actually make you immune……

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/08/2023 22:53

yogasaurus · Today 21:05
Ok… (dons hard hat)

Offically, of course your DP should love you know matter what.

Honestly… I’d be quite disappointed if DH put on five stone and was unhealthy, and had no interest in doing anything about it. We like to be active. I’d struggle with a DP who couldn’t do anything.

The same goes the other way.

Prepares to be flamed.”

Absolutely agree. I was pretty much physically perfect when we met. My husband was obese. I loved him as he was and vice versa. I’ve been very fat since, especially post kids. He never once made me feel any less because of that but I definitely felt I was letting him down.
I’m very slim again now and don’t imagine I’ll be fat again, I just don’t feel well when I am, but his love for me has been constant.

FunnysInLaJardin · 23/08/2023 22:53

I have gained weight since meeting DH, mostly due to having DC and also a rather stubborn binge eating habit acquired during childhood.

Happily for me my DH loves me for who I am and my intellect, not just my body shape

FunnysInLaJardin · 23/08/2023 22:58

Bandyarsia · 23/08/2023 22:52

Where does anyone say leave their partner?

Overeating is an addiction like any other...drugs, alcohol etc. You need treatment but very few women or men go for it but would be expected to if they were an alcoholic or sniffing powder up their nose every day. It all does damage. Eating yourself to 4 or 5 stone heavier than you were is a significant problem. You have every right to expect your partner to still love you but no right to expect them to still find you attractive while grossly overweight.

Grossly overweight? FFS you can still look and be attractive at 14.5 stone. Its not HUGE

Curseofthenation · 23/08/2023 23:03

My DH and I would love each other no matter our weight. We've always stayed around the same healthy weights though. I wouldn't be as attracted to my DH if he gained two stone. I worry about health, and I wouldn't like to watch my DH eat crap. That would be the main thing on my mind.

I'd feel low and unattractive if I became overweight too. I didn't feel bad when I was a stone over my usual weight after DC1 but it quickly came off, so maybe I just didn't have time to dwell on it.

JudgeRudy · 23/08/2023 23:03

I don't think anyone owes anyone in that respect however it's unreasonable to think someone will love you 'whatever'. I think when you love someone it's not their body/face that attracts you otherwise we'd stop finding each other attractive when we're elderly however when I see doneone who is grossly overweight I judge their mind set too. I think I would find a really fat partner unattractive. I wouldn't just find their body unattractive but their behaviour. I don't think the relationship would last. Of course the reason behind the change would influence but I guess ultimately I'd decide if I thought they were reasonable. The same would apply to general hygiene, including housework, meal prep etc.or radical style changes eg a skin head or face tattoos etc.

Has something been said about weight gain?

FunnysInLaJardin · 23/08/2023 23:06

just RTFT and am struck by how tedious it is. Being fat does not equal slobbing out and eating fast food every night. FFS

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/08/2023 23:06

Grossly overweight? FFS you can still look and be attractive at 14.5 stone. Its not HUGE”

Not sure about that. Was 14.5 stone after our first child at 5ft 8.5 inches tall. Looked and felt awful and had to wear a size 20 to be comfortable. That’s not good, however you look at it. Health wise, not great either.

Bandyarsia · 23/08/2023 23:08

FunnysInLaJardin · 23/08/2023 22:58

Grossly overweight? FFS you can still look and be attractive at 14.5 stone. Its not HUGE

Nope... I said...Eating yourself to 4 or 5 stone heavier. Please read the post.

Bandyarsia · 23/08/2023 23:10

Actually 3.5 stone on your normal body weight is far from good and I never said is wasn't attractive, I said your husband does not have to find it attractive. I wouldn't if my husband put on that much weight. I would still love him but jump his bones...no.

FunnysInLaJardin · 23/08/2023 23:12

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/08/2023 23:06

Grossly overweight? FFS you can still look and be attractive at 14.5 stone. Its not HUGE”

Not sure about that. Was 14.5 stone after our first child at 5ft 8.5 inches tall. Looked and felt awful and had to wear a size 20 to be comfortable. That’s not good, however you look at it. Health wise, not great either.

all this faux concern about the health of folk you dont know.

I am 14.5 stone and 5.6. I am a size 18. You must have carried your weight very differently to be size 20 at 5.8

I agree its not ideal, but physically I am in good shape, blood pressure, lung capacity etc and walk about an hour a day. So weight isn't the only indicator of health

Titfortat78 · 23/08/2023 23:14

Neither reasonable or unreasonable unless there is a genuine medical condition.

If for example using pregnancy as a reason to eat a lot more than usual. As well as eating a lot more unhealthy foods saying your eating for two.

Stef8 · 23/08/2023 23:14

Sleepytimebear · 23/08/2023 21:51

Why is being a sleep deprived mum not a totally valid reason for weight gain? Your priorities are your children right now, not maintaining a low weight. What's wrong with that?

I agree with this. I’ve been my unhealthiest, in terms of my diet and exercise (and sleep of course!), when a new mum. And I did a few classes at the gym a week previously and during pregnancy and ate very well. The walks and constant running around doing chores should make the weight gain of pregnancy and motherhood come off but these things clearly made me hungry as it took ages to shift my pregnancy weight and I kept gaining more after losing some. Also, in my experience, breastfeeding does not “make the weight drop off” - it made me ravenous! I was lucky to have a husband who told me often I looked beautiful when I felt the most unattractive I’ve ever felt. If he commented on weight gain, I’d have given him a weekend alone with my baby for a little taste of how bloody hard it is. I’d sure he’d have been reaching for the convenience carbs too with his only free hand.

XenoBitch · 23/08/2023 23:16

It depends on many factors really. My dad has gained weight over the years, and is now pre-diabetic. Has been offered a course to turn it around, but refuses. So he is still eating like it is no problem. He is now over 20 stone, but is "happy". My mum isn't! She finds him repulsive, and the fact he wont try to change to reverse the serious health implications that are coming, just makes her feel disrespected.

dottydaily · 23/08/2023 23:18

I would still love my other half,but I would be disappointed if he put on significant weight.I would be concerned for his health and it would impact the activities we do as a couple.plus I love how he looks and like that he cares about his appearance,it’s a reason I love him.

TragicMuse · 23/08/2023 23:19

I don't owe anyone a particular body shape or size. And anyone who expected me to do that would be my ex the moment they mooted it.

passivehumming · 23/08/2023 23:19

My DH has put on a significant amount of weight (around six stone) as a result of cancer treatment.

I don't love him any less, but I do resent side effects which impact our relationship and me feeling less desired and being denied a sex life .

That said I would 100% prefer he was still here for me and DC and GDC than get worried about his weight.

He knows that his medication (hormonal therapy and tablets leading to no libido, weight gain and depression etc...) are medical issues and so we accept it.

His weight gain is a result of tablets that are keeping him alive.

In turn I accept that he is still the gorgeous man I married and love but in a new way.

It's not easy though.

Noodge · 23/08/2023 23:22

dons hard hat

I'm a gay female who doesn't find thin women attractive. I don't find immensely fat women attractive either, but I like 'bigger ' women.
I met my partner when she was about two stone overweight. I thought she was gorgeous. She's now about 4 stone overweight and I still think she's gorgeous.

If she became IMMENSELY fat to the point we couldn't go for walks, do things together, she stopped enjoying her life, playing the sport she loves, she would be a different person altogether.

I'm not trying to make your OP about me, I'm using it as an illustration in essence. When your lack of health turns you into a different person, that's when I believe problems start. When your lack of consideration for your own health affects those you love. Same with any mental health issue or substance issue or anything mentionable at all. If I got with someone and they liked to get drunk twice a week, fine. If they then began getting obliterated on alcohol every night, not fine. If they played a sport that took them away from us as a thing once a week, fine, if it turned into every night, not fine

I hope that makes sense. In the case of weight, not about body type, more about If the relationship as I knew it changed because of that body type.

MummyJ36 · 23/08/2023 23:24

Bodies change, bodies age. You cannot maintain the figure you had when you met someone because you will never be that age again. What if you lose a limb? Does you partner deserve to be with someone with two arms and two legs? There are plenty of reasons why people’s bodies change, sometimes it is totally not within their control, sometimes it is something they lose control of. Either way you do not “owe”
your partner a physical aesthetic.

MumblesParty · 23/08/2023 23:25

oaktable · 23/08/2023 22:28

Well, if you're married, you've literally promised, in front of witnesses, to stay together for better or worse. So unreasonable.

I think if you fundamentally don’t agree with divorce, as you clearly don’t, it’s hard to participate in the debate. Most people will agree there are many circumstances in which it’s OK to break those vows.

FettleOfKish · 23/08/2023 23:26

Well it's all contextual isn't it? If DH had an injury that rendered him less mobile, or had to take drugs that increased his weight that's one thing. Same as us both quietly expanding a bit with age.

If he just decided to quit exercise and sit on his backside eating cake all day that's another. Same goes for me.

Some things are outside of our control, other things aren't. I'd lose respect for him if he voluntarily became a couch potato, and with that my desire would dissolve.

Bandyarsia · 23/08/2023 23:27

MummyJ36 · 23/08/2023 23:24

Bodies change, bodies age. You cannot maintain the figure you had when you met someone because you will never be that age again. What if you lose a limb? Does you partner deserve to be with someone with two arms and two legs? There are plenty of reasons why people’s bodies change, sometimes it is totally not within their control, sometimes it is something they lose control of. Either way you do not “owe”
your partner a physical aesthetic.

No you don't owe a certain body shape to anyone but you cannot expect someone to still fancy you if you are obese. Some people won't care but it would really bother me if my husband was stones overweight in how I see him sexually.

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/08/2023 23:27

FunnysInLaJardin · Today 23:12
MrsSkylerWhite · Today 23:06

Grossly overweight? FFS you can still look and be attractive at 14.5 stone. Its not HUGE”

Not sure about that. Was 14.5 stone after our first child at 5ft 8.5 inches tall. Looked and felt awful and had to wear a size 20 to be comfortable. That’s not good, however you look at it. Health wise, not great either.
all this faux concern about the health of folk you dont know.

I am 14.5 stone and 5.6. I am a size 18. You must have carried your weight very differently to be size 20 at 5.8

I agree its not ideal, but physically I am in good shape, blood pressure, lung capacity etc and walk about an hour a day. So weight isn't the only indicator of health”

It isn’t faux concern at all, please don’t be rude. I’m nearly 60 now and know from experience that weighing 14.5 stones is too heavy for most women and lots of men. It increases your risk of all sorts of Illnesses (I had breast cancer myself in 2016, no family history but I was fat). I don’t know your age but what works at 30, for example, doesn’t work at 60. Most British people would benefit from loosing a bit of weight.

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