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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I think my daughter is throwing her life away

798 replies

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:14

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

OP posts:

RunningFromInsanity · 23/08/2023 12:20

You paid for her to take a year of holidays?

She’s been funded by others her whole life so far, why are you surprised she wants to continue this?
She’s just swapping her income stream from you to her husband.

It doesn’t sound like you have instilled any work ethic or financial sense in her at all.

mycoffeecup · 23/08/2023 12:22

Has she ever had a part-time job? did she work in her gap year?

Flurbegurb · 23/08/2023 12:22

Very difficult OP. The age gap would concern me the most. She is probably making an absolutely massive mistake.

What do you not like about him? Have you raised that with her before?

jotunn · 23/08/2023 12:23

It is a shame, but she does have the ability to earn her own money should she need to, so she has that level of security behind her.

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/08/2023 12:23

She’s living the life she wants, it’s not your business. Presumably, it was your choice to send her to these top schools? Doesn’t give you veto. Ours went to “top schools” too. They’re carving their own paths and our only hope is that they are happy.

Comedycook · 23/08/2023 12:24

Oh wow, you are not being unreasonable at all....and I say that as someone who has spent over a decade as a sahm...

Original poster

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:25

mycoffeecup · 23/08/2023 12:22

Has she ever had a part-time job? did she work in her gap year?

No, she left in the September to start travelling, didn't come home until the August, started uni in the September.

OP posts:

ManateeFair · 23/08/2023 12:25

She's an adult. Not everyone wants to lead the life their parents have mapped out for them. You can't control her forever.

Stop paying for everything if you have a problem with it, but it's absolutely none of your business whether your adult daughter gets a job or not.

Sleepyquest · 23/08/2023 12:25

Hey the age gap is fine. I have that age gap!!

I agree with PP though that you've paid for everything her whole life, now she's found a man to do that instead. Has she ever worked even a part time job as a student?

NatMacFeegle · 23/08/2023 12:25

RunningFromInsanity · 23/08/2023 12:20

You paid for her to take a year of holidays?

She’s been funded by others her whole life so far, why are you surprised she wants to continue this?
She’s just swapping her income stream from you to her husband.

It doesn’t sound like you have instilled any work ethic or financial sense in her at all.

This basically, you've taught her 'if she wants it, someone will pay'.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2023 12:26

You leave her to it. The privileges you chose to give to her shouldn't come with strings attached. She's your child, but she's entitled to choose her own path. She's not you.

Biker47 · 23/08/2023 12:26

Why are you paying for 2 adults wedding?

HazelHair · 23/08/2023 12:26

I'd try convince her to take another gap year traveling... preferably somewhere like Australia (i.e. the other side of the world!). Whilst there, hope that she meets a load of others her own age and chooses another path?

Oysterbabe · 23/08/2023 12:27

I would be very disappointed if this was my DD. YANBU.

Original poster

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:27

Flurbegurb · 23/08/2023 12:22

Very difficult OP. The age gap would concern me the most. She is probably making an absolutely massive mistake.

What do you not like about him? Have you raised that with her before?

The age gap is the main thing, he is nice enough and seems to treat her well, but is significantly older, he also seems to be obsessed with his job, so if she does have children with him, will be doing a lot alone.

OP posts:

Crispynoodle · 23/08/2023 12:28

My hubby is 12 years older than me it's fine together now 30 years

EvilElsa · 23/08/2023 12:28

I'd be upset, but it's her life to lead, not yours. I think you can gently share your concerns but I can't see her changing her mind, it's something she has to figure out for herself. Your concerns might not pan out into anything. She may have a long and happy marriage which works for her.

Original poster

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:28

Biker47 · 23/08/2023 12:26

Why are you paying for 2 adults wedding?

She is our daughter, it is tradition and we are able to.

OP posts:

LoserWinner · 23/08/2023 12:29

My parents paid for my education 'so I could have choices'. When I made a life choice they didn't like, they responded much the way the OP is here. There seems to be a transactional element here - 'we paid for you to have a good education, now you have to pay us back by using that education to live the life we want for you.' That is not loving parenting. Even if the daughter is making a huge mistake, she's an adult who is entitled to make her own mistakes. The OP needs to back off, support the daughter, and accept that she's now an adult.

jlpth · 23/08/2023 12:29

You’ll have to be practical about it - perhaps recommend that she ought to get a job after her second masters (or after this first masters and not do the second one) so that she has something to put on her CV and something to go back to if she does take time off with kids. Maybe explain that her A levels and degree will mean almost nothing if she tries to apply for a job in a few years with no employment history at all.

BobbidyBibbidyBob · 23/08/2023 12:29

I'm quite jealous of her, frankly! She will figure it all out herself, eventually. Let her get on with it. It is frustrating, I appreciate. But, if i were in her position, i'd probably do the same thing too!

Cowlover89 · 23/08/2023 12:29

Yanbu

mycoffeecup · 23/08/2023 12:30

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:25

No, she left in the September to start travelling, didn't come home until the August, started uni in the September.

Show quote history

And how did she pay for the travelling? Generally kids work for a few months so they can contribute towards their own travelling. Doesn't sound like she's been given much of a work ethic, sorry.

ZebraD · 23/08/2023 12:30

It’s her life, not yours. Leave her to it. So much control…

BallaiLuimni · 23/08/2023 12:30

Unfortunately you can't prevent her mistake but you absolutely can prevent your own.

If you make a fuss or criticise her choices that will be a mistake. Don't do it.

Hard as it is, be there for her. If it all falls apart, support her. If it works out great, celebrate.

This is the only course of action that will work.

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