I think my daughter is throwing her life away

[BeauxBelle]

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

She is 22 and has no children. She has never worked and has no intention to. That is nothing to do with being a sahm.

It says in the OP she plans to be a SAHM….

This

Well that has massively backfired on you. She has no work ethic.

Did she never have a holiday job as a teen? What did she do in her university holidays? Did she not work at all in her gap year?

You've raised someone totally reliant on the handouts of others. She doesn't owe it to you to repay that generosity by having a career of her own.

A reverse?

We don’t get to dictate once they are adults. I would be worried about a lack of a security net career though. The age gap will be felt late fifties beyond in my experience.

I'd be very concerned too. Not necessarily for now but what if they got divorced, how would she support herself, what about a pension etc? Having not worked a day in her life is a significant disadvantage if she finds herself out in the cold and in need of a job.

This isn't a debate on sahms.

Children will just give her a more legitimate excuse not to work..

I work in a large law firm. If you applied with a classics degree we honestly wouldn't know what to do with your application other than delete it.

It's not an entry point to law.

Is she happy? Because that should be all that matters. Nothing wrong with being a SAHM. She’s still young. She’ll probably find her niche at some point. Or maybe she’ll be a full time mum raising excellent children of her own and getting involved in all the school, community, club fundraising and organising that lots of SAHM’s do that facilitates all of our lives 🤷🏼‍♀️ I have friends that do this and they are happy and I am grateful. If you don’t need to work there are plenty of other ways to add value and lead a fulfilling life. If I didn’t have to work that’s what I’d happily do!

You bankrolled her and made her life easy and cushy. Now she's just found someone else to allow her to continue that lifestyle 🤷 not sure why you're surprised.

I can understand your perspectives, it's a mix at times, sometimes if your already bankrolled and can pursue x, activities I guess some value promotion and work, others more self development and family,
Yes i understand some do both, but then it's a mix as to what they choose.

My husband is 22 years older than me . He was 50 when we met .
I am so happy . We are married and have 2 children and if I could afford to I’d have more children and be a SAHM. Trust me , I never dreamed I’d be ‘the type ‘ but I realized having children is my calling !!!

There is no shame in wanting to be a home maker.

She has her education already and a supportive family so she isn’t going to be trapped as if he she was 21 , working minimum wage , no family and no where to turn if this doesn’t work out.
She also isn’t shaking up with some bloke who has 4 kids, huge debt and is forcing her to go to work to fund his drug habit !!

Your plans for her aren’t coming true but clearly they aren’t her dreams .

I understand your worry but she seems educated and happy and if like so many marriages it doesn’t work out she has support to leave and live her life .

I had travelled after university, always supported myself and then worked as a deputy head before meeting DH when I was 28! Can’t say my parents were thrilled and my brother was gutted. 10 years on and they adore DH and I’m so proud I had the strength to trust I knew what I wanted and went for it withDH.

Actually starting to feel sorry for op now. However, I have a friend who was like this, two failed marriages later she has hit her stride, has a great career, well respected and very much an independent woman. Think the age gap on the first marriage was a real stonker. 30 years or something. She's living her best life these days.

Sounds like you’ve paid for everything and now he’ll pay for everything and her life will continue as normal
Unfortunately she doesn’t owe you a career or life you approve of, even if you know she’s making a mistake she’s an adult and it is hers to make. You could talk to her about your concerns but it’s still her choice and since she has been gifted 20k, a wedding, and an MA, All without working, Why on earth would she start - I don’t blame her! Seems like it’s all working out pretty great

you can choose if you want to pay for a wedding though, you can be clear you don’t support that choice

I understand your concerns but not everybody wants to be a high achieving, career woman. I got good grades, went to a top uni then qualified as an accountant and worked in a big firm. Then I met an older man, quit and became a stay at home mum. I was never happy working/achieving, it just isn’t my personality. I prefer to be at home with my children and I feel very lucky to be able to do so. As long as her husband gives her financial security, ie access to joint accounts/pays a pension for her/will continue to provide in the event of divorce then I don’t see the issue. I think you invested a huge amount in your daughters education and travel and expect her to follow your path as a professional. Don’t see it as wasted money, an education and travel made her the person she is and gave her confidence. And you said you wanted to give her those things to give her the freedom to live a life she chooses - which is what she’s doing! Also remember that it’s a fairly recent thing for women to work and be equal providers with their husbands and for millennia women have been stay at home mums. It’s not so strange to think that some women still prefer that way of life and it doesn’t make her life any less than those who choose to work.

I would be worried about the gap in experience and the power balance in the relationship as well.

A 40 year old man with good finances will have a lot of power in a relationship with a 22 year old who has never worked and has always beem supported financially and practically by her parents.

Most sahms have worked before having children. I suspect this has nothing to do with her deep seated desire to bring her potential children up as a sahm but her deep seated desire to not work.

I think you need to look at yourself here. You have bankrolled your daughter quite excessively (you funded her gap year 😮and you are surprised she wants someone else to do the same for the next phase of her life?

I would be surprised if she chose a more challenging path, when a much easier option has always been available to her.

Necessity is the mother of all invention, and she has wanted for nothing.

She sounds very spoilt. As others have said it's hardly surprising she doesn't have any desire to go and get a job given that she's been given money just for existing her entire life (and probably told she's perfect and that the sun shines out of her arse too)

The parental tap is starting to dry up so she's found an older man with a lot of money to support her, who is obviously going to be so over the moon with having a naive fiancée 16 years younger that he'll do anything she asks.

Degrees in classics and English lit are toilet paper compared to actual work experience, but that's OK as she has no need to get a job at the moment anyway. She will however have a lot of trouble when she hits her 30s, gets bored with her old husband and has never worked though.

You say she's wasting her life and he's trying to rob her of independence; I say she never had any independence so it's business as usual.

She has travelled a lot, in most of her Uni holidays. Holiday job as a teen wasn't an option, 8 weeks in the summer would be split between each set of grandparents, godparents and travelling so never in one place long enough.

It's never a good idea to be a SAHM if you don't have access to your own money and savings. I did it, the relationship ended, and I ended up living in a hostel with a toddler because I had no money.

Becoming a SAHM is not throwing your life away. How insulting.

And now you're complaining because she has built a life doing whatever she pleases?

You haven't taught her independence, you've taught her that she can do what she pleases and someone else will foot the bill. I can't see why you're unhappy she is looking to continue that.

@SunRainStorm no you would have to do further study obviously. But I know plenty of lawyers whose first degrees were in history or classics

If she needs to, she could get work experience voluntarily without much difficulty which could either give her some direction or the opportunity to progress into paid work. It is less of a barrier than no GCSES

I rather doubt that working unpaid would appeal to someone who's had everything handed to her on a plate up to now, and this is exactly why decent employers avoid those who've never done a day's work like the plague

Experience teaches that, once in an actual job, they often react with horror to actually being expected to DO something for their money