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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my daughter is throwing her life away

798 replies

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:14

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

OP posts:
frozencarlotta · 23/08/2023 12:30

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:28

She is our daughter, it is tradition and we are able to.

Show quote history

Well traditionally the wife would stay at home.... you are picking and choosing which traditions to follow?

Delphigirl · 23/08/2023 12:30

leave her to it. It is her choice. At least he is marrying her. Worst case scenario she comes out of the marriage mid thirties with a couple of nice kids and a house. Worse things have happened.

Anamechangeisnotjustforchristmas · 23/08/2023 12:30

jotunn · 23/08/2023 12:23

It is a shame, but she does have the ability to earn her own money should she need to, so she has that level of security behind her.

Really, with a BA in classics and no work experience?

Idrankyourbananamilk · 23/08/2023 12:31

As others say, she has just learned that mummy and daddy will pay for everything or now her soon to be DH. She’s marrying for a comfortable life. If he’s financially solvent and she’s choosing not to work, not a chance I’d be paying for that wedding.

He might trap her, but if they marry she will be entitled to half his assets and he’s willing to fund her next degree. You say he’s nice and treats her well, so let them get on with it (but don’t pay for them!).

ShineLikeA · 23/08/2023 12:31

Well, you're not wrong, and it must be depressing to think that, with all your efforts, you've raised a leech, whose first independent action as a young adult is to look around and find herself another parent figure to continue to fund her -- but it's hard to know what you can do about it, other than have a frank talk and hope that, as she's very young, life and the realities of marriage and parenthood may shock her into taking responsibility for herself and seizing life by the horns.

SunsetOverParadise · 23/08/2023 12:31

To play Devil’s advocate, in the traditional sense, your daughter has done the right things to secure a future she wants for herself - she’s marrying a man who is stable and can provide for her and the children she wants to have.

It’s perfectly okay for a woman to just want to have children and spend her efforts raising them to the best of her ability. You do know that, right?

But you can also argue you created this. You should have instilled a work ethic in her from a young age and encouraged her to get part time jobs.

Bumdrops · 23/08/2023 12:31

She’s found a man to pick up where her parents have got her to -
being paid for and provided for as a given -
I completely understand that you have invested in your DD with the rationale that she be a strong independent woman, but I think what she has taken from this, is that being provided for is a good enough gig ?

Original poster
BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:31

mycoffeecup · 23/08/2023 12:30

And how did she pay for the travelling? Generally kids work for a few months so they can contribute towards their own travelling. Doesn't sound like she's been given much of a work ethic, sorry.

Show quote history

My parents gifted her £20,000, we also allowed her to access some of the money we had saved over the years. We did this for our son too. We believe travel is just as important as education so funded it in the same way.

OP posts:
Brexile · 23/08/2023 12:32

You're all nuts and massively unreasonable (unless there's a backstory in which the fiancé treats her badly). She's going to be a lady of leisure and a home owner, isn't that what everybody wants? It's not like you can just walk into a top job with a classics degree (well your DD might, if she has the right 'old school tie', but still).

If she was 13 you wouldn't be unreasonable, but she's 23 and she's doing just fine. "Throwing her life away" is a stupid expression: it's not like she's intentionally contracting AIDS or becoming an ISIS bride or something else that she really couldn't recover from. At worst, she's making a "mistake" that is completely rectifiable, as I'm sure most of us have done at some point. Get out of her business and try to be happy for her, otherwise you'll drive her away.

TotalOverhaul · 23/08/2023 12:32

Be glad you sent her to a good school and that she is well educated at post-grad level. Imagine falling into this lifestyle without any of that to fall back on.

I would be concerned too. I'd suggest that she should do some work P/T to give her a structure and focus and socialisation. sounds like she is naturally inclined towards academia so she could always tutor. A good tutor can easily earn £40-60 per contact hour (prep takes similar time so paid hours and travel to students hugely eat into the income per hour.) Or she might pick up some uni teaching (very low paid - again often around £20-25 per hour once you factor in prep and marking) But it would be something that fits with what she enjoys.

Make sure she has full access to joint finances. If she is home with babies and he has control of the money coming in, she could end up in a dire situation.

IAmKenough · 23/08/2023 12:33

YABU. It's her life, her choices and you don't have to agree with them.

Agree with others that you don't seem to have had a problem with her lack of independence when you paid for her gap year.

Also, her partner is "obsessed by his job" but you're criticising her for wanting to be a SAHM - you seem a bit judgmental all round.

EvilElsa · 23/08/2023 12:33

So your traditions and beliefs about life are more valid than hers? I'm not saying I agree with her choice, but it's her choice to make.

Stormydayagain · 23/08/2023 12:34

Not a life I'd choose for myself but not sure it is too problematic. Your DD will be academically very qualified before having children and will be married, in a financially enviable situation, so will have legal protection. So no reason she wouldn't be able to build a life for herself and her children if necessary.

Maybe approach things differently and more pragmatically with her and make sure that she had discussed finances with him, including joint access to money, what financial abuse looks like, split of labour, childcare of she were to change her mind etc.

MichaelAndEagle · 23/08/2023 12:35

I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!

What exactly about the way you have raised her has taught her this?

And its not true anyway, you don't have to. She's decided not to. Plenty choose the same.

GreenestValley · 23/08/2023 12:35

Isn't the risk here in choosing not to have a career from the very off?

Big risk - irrelevant of whether the man she's marrying is 22 or 40. It's one thing to become a SAHM after ten years of building a career, another thing entirely to do it after 2 expensive degrees that you're effectively choosing not to use.

IAmKenough · 23/08/2023 12:35

Given £20000+ for a gap year and you're criticising her choices now?! You reap what you sow.

Womencanlift · 23/08/2023 12:36

YANBU to be upset that your daughter wants to only be a SAHM and not had some experience of working or a career - controversial on MN I know but I would feel the same

YABU to moan about the money you have invested in her education and gap year. That was your choice to do that and she shouldn’t feel that she has to “pay it back”

lightinthebox · 23/08/2023 12:36

This isn’t real right? Parent funds a child’s life entirely then is upset child grew up and wanted someone else to fund their life?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 23/08/2023 12:36

So, you and dh have funded her whole life, and now you are pissed that she is following that on by having someone else fund her for the future?

Has she ever worked? Ever had chores? Ever had a Saturday job or a uni job?

DisforDarkChocolate · 23/08/2023 12:36

I think she is being daft, but I've been divorced and know the impact it can have on a low-earning woman.

However, nothing in your post shows that you have actually shown her you value earning a living. You have allowed her, in fact, supported her, to live without having to work. You'd have been a lot better off making sure she had a part-time job and had to save so she could travel.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 23/08/2023 12:37

You’ve funded her forever and now complaining she doesn’t want to get a job… I think you’ve helped create this situation I’m afraid OP

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 23/08/2023 12:37

I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??

But that was entirely your decision. It's really unfair to be "angry and upset" with her because she doesn't want the future you had planned for her in your heads. You didn't have to pay for those things.

My parents sent me to private school and supported me through university too - I've never once used my degree and now work part-time in a totally unrelated sector. They've never once said anything negative to me about it - in fact, they're both thrilled that I work in a job I enjoy and that I'm happy.

RunningFromInsanity · 23/08/2023 12:37

To sum up-
You paid for her school, Uni degrees, gap year and wedding and yet are horrified that she is relying on her husband to pay for her in the future.

You are paying for the wedding because you believe in tradition, but not the tradition where the wife stays home and looks after the children.

Startyabastard · 23/08/2023 12:38

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/08/2023 12:23

She’s living the life she wants, it’s not your business. Presumably, it was your choice to send her to these top schools? Doesn’t give you veto. Ours went to “top schools” too. They’re carving their own paths and our only hope is that they are happy.

My opinion also. Stop making it about you, OP!
You sent her to prestigious schools, but you shouldn't pin your ideals on to her! When children are well.... children, you have to expect their lives to be different from you might like for them. If she's healthy and happy, your input should stop there.

UnbeatenMum · 23/08/2023 12:38

At 22 I also thought I wanted to be a SAHM (although I was working at the time and didn't have the choice due to finances). By the time I had had two children aged 30 I was glad to get back to work and have something for myself. You may find that she changes her mind at some point. Perhaps encourage her to keep her options open with some work experience or paid part time work if she's open to the idea. Uni tutoring or supervision would be ideal as a PP mentioned.

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