Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my daughter is throwing her life away

798 replies

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:14

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

OP posts:
Mirabai · 24/08/2023 16:34

Saschka · 24/08/2023 13:47

Dominic Cummings? Wink

Show quote history

Not by that point.

zingally · 24/08/2023 16:40

She's merely swapping one income stream for another.

My mum did the same thing! Years at "nice" schools, followed by a "nice" university where she met my dad. Married just turned 22, 3 years of part time work, then started having babies and was at home from then on. That was the end of her career.

Mirabai · 24/08/2023 16:43

Catlord · 24/08/2023 12:18

I was referring to her being said to be attractive, having modelled and being always at social events such as brunches in terms of confidence, physical and social polish rather than necessarily going all in for nails and hair.

Certainly not looking down on SAHMs (different PP). I just think this plan leaves DD rather vulnerable. I don't mean vulnerable to destitution as I presume she will be provided for whatever happens. I mean to whatever her future husband's whims may be. I just think why leave yourself open like that at any time? It isn't all about money. Purpose and independence are so important mentally and the kids won't always need her.

Show quote history

I entirely agree that she’s dependent on her DH’s whims, whether this works will depend a lot on his character and agenda in this marriage. Whether he can or wants to adapt to her aims further down the line.

Theborder · 24/08/2023 18:09

@zingally

Was she happy?

Fetchthevet · 24/08/2023 22:02

ShineLikeA · 24/08/2023 13:49

Look at Norland Nannies, educated to degree and diploma level and paid upwards of £100,000 and in huge demand. Great that some people still value education in child care practitioners

They're only educated in childcare, though, and with enough other stuff (identifying a dessert fork, cooking on an Aga, how to eat asparagus, cyber-security, basic knowledge of global events, a knowledge of other religious festivals and how to celebrate them with the children) aimed to cater to the predilections of the global rich and powerful who want a Norland nanny, dressed in a retro uniform like a character from Call the Midwife, as a status symbol.

Yes, you end up with a degree in childcare, but the academic requirements to get into Norland are low -- three Cs at A level, and it's not for your education in the usual sense of the term that you're being hired as a graduate. You're a successful brand.

"They're only educated in childcare though" Charming! I'm very proud of my degree in Childhood Studies, thank you very much. Just goes to show how much childcare practitioners are looked down upon.

Zanatdy · 24/08/2023 22:04

I hear you, I’d be upset too, not just because of money spent on education, but because my DD felt it was ok to live off someone else and never work. She will be sorry 10yrs down there line when it all ends and she has to start again.

GoingInsaneAhhh · 24/08/2023 22:13

Idk its her life really. I agree it’s disappointing that shes got no motivation to do more with her life but also shes making herself financially vulnerable. Who knows if her marriage will be forever? Will she have paid NI contributions/pensions. What will she do if legally hes very savvy and ensures she gets nothing etc. if she has to get her first ever job aged 40. We dont know what will happen. You cannot tell her the potential pitfalls as she wont want to hear that and it will drive a wedge between you. Its quite scary really. We are women of mumsnet, we read daily all the difficulties of relationships when they get meh or into the divorce stages. I think girls should read mumsnet from the age of 16 so they know what lies ahead 🫣😆🤷🏻‍♀️

Louloulouenna · 24/08/2023 22:14

@Fetchthevet Just shows how ignorant people are about Early Years education and what it actually entails. Our Nanny did her dissertation on the acquisition of speech and language and without her incredible input our ds would never have been able to start school at 5.

Blueink · 25/08/2023 00:24

Mirabai · 24/08/2023 09:59

There are a lot of assumptions on the thread about nails, hairdressers and polish on the basis of her boarding school education. In fact, boarding schools turn out shy geeky quiet intellectual girls as much as glamour pusses.

But I agree with the PhD, it would give her time and options. She’s always got the possibility of teacher training.

Show quote history

It your assumption it was an assumption though, OP said “pays for her to have her hair done all the time, nails etc.”

Mirabai · 25/08/2023 08:24

Blueink · 25/08/2023 00:24

It your assumption it was an assumption though, OP said “pays for her to have her hair done all the time, nails etc.”

Show quote history

No, I’ve read OP’s posts. But there’s a lot of assumptions/inferences being made on the basis of her having weekly appts that may not apply.

zingally · 25/08/2023 10:46

Theborder · 24/08/2023 18:09

@zingally

Was she happy?

I think so, yes.

There were ups and downs certainly, but I think she's happy with the choices she made.

KimberleyClark · 25/08/2023 10:53

zingally · 24/08/2023 16:40

She's merely swapping one income stream for another.

My mum did the same thing! Years at "nice" schools, followed by a "nice" university where she met my dad. Married just turned 22, 3 years of part time work, then started having babies and was at home from then on. That was the end of her career.

So did two women I used to know. Privately educated though not to degree level, had office jobs, married privately educated husbands in their 20s, gave up work after first child and never went back.

Fivethirtyeight · 25/08/2023 11:19

KimberleyClark · 25/08/2023 10:53

So did two women I used to know. Privately educated though not to degree level, had office jobs, married privately educated husbands in their 20s, gave up work after first child and never went back.

Show quote history

Almost all privately educated 70 and 80 year olds did.

Stats show privately educated women in their 60s have lower lifetime income than state educated.

It’s a good choice with the right man. It’s unusual now because most men can’t afford it.

KimberleyClark · 25/08/2023 11:24

Fivethirtyeight · 25/08/2023 11:19

Almost all privately educated 70 and 80 year olds did.

Stats show privately educated women in their 60s have lower lifetime income than state educated.

It’s a good choice with the right man. It’s unusual now because most men can’t afford it.

Show quote history

These two women are now in their 60s. Their husbands were decent earners but not high flyers.

TonTonMacoute · 25/08/2023 11:30

I know two families (off the top of my head) where this has happened. The marriages didn't last and in one case in particular, it got very messy.

You aren't going to change her mind. I'm afraid you have to leave her to it, the only good talking to her will do is to give you the satisfaction of saying 'I told you so' later, and I don't think that's what you want.

Read (or re read) The Woman's Room by Marilyn French, she doesn't have to stay in this life forever if she doesn't want to.

Jumpingthruhoops · 25/08/2023 11:31

RunningFromInsanity · 23/08/2023 12:20

You paid for her to take a year of holidays?

She’s been funded by others her whole life so far, why are you surprised she wants to continue this?
She’s just swapping her income stream from you to her husband.

It doesn’t sound like you have instilled any work ethic or financial sense in her at all.

This! 👏👏

As an aside, I'm not sure many people would see not having to work and living mortgage free as 'wasting their life'. It's an enviable position to be in.

malificent7 · 25/08/2023 11:35

Yabu ....i don't blame her for not wanting to work if she isn't used to it. How many would work if they didn't have yo in all honesty. It might go wrong but it might not. She is doing a masters....at least she has an enquiring mind.
40 isn't old.

MsRosley · 25/08/2023 11:38

Angelinadarling · 24/08/2023 00:34

You're a GP.
Husband is a Lawyer.
Son an Accountant.
STB DSIL is “wealthy”.

And your daughter is a Parasite.

You just want her to Be Like You (all) - in a prestigious highly paid career.

Does it hurt your social ego that her life choice does not reflect your personal ambitions, meaning she is diminished in the eyes of your peers?

You would do well to look at what you have created, and appreciate her true life skill, which is evading the humdrum misery of working for 50 years.

Good on her.

You seem a bit confused as to exactly what you approve/disapprove of here. Unless you think parasite is a compliment.

7eleven · 25/08/2023 11:39

malificent7 · 25/08/2023 11:35

Yabu ....i don't blame her for not wanting to work if she isn't used to it. How many would work if they didn't have yo in all honesty. It might go wrong but it might not. She is doing a masters....at least she has an enquiring mind.
40 isn't old.

I agree. It’s not like she’s appearing on Made in Chelsea and having a vacuous life. Who knows what she might do in the future.

She’s in a seemingly good relationship with a nice man, who is financially comfortable. What’s not to love?!

malificent7 · 25/08/2023 11:49

Oh and my parents sent me to private school and wanted a return on their investment which they didn't get. It ruined mu relationship with them tbh. I am a hard working professional but would much rather not work.

malificent7 · 25/08/2023 11:49

My*

Fivethirtyeight · 25/08/2023 12:06

KimberleyClark · 25/08/2023 11:24

These two women are now in their 60s. Their husbands were decent earners but not high flyers.

Show quote history

Yes. That ties agewise.

And now it’s just those with kids at top schools.

Fivethirtyeight · 25/08/2023 12:15

malificent7 · 25/08/2023 11:49

Oh and my parents sent me to private school and wanted a return on their investment which they didn't get. It ruined mu relationship with them tbh. I am a hard working professional but would much rather not work.

Mine didn’t expect me to need to work.

I’m also a hard working professional who would much rather not work.

ElfinsMum · 26/08/2023 04:24

Haven't read the full thread so apologies if this is a repeat question but I think it is important context: is this his first marriage?

Tbf both scenarios bother me : if he has reached 40 without any serious long term relationship, not great; if he has already traded first wife and your DD is the younger model....also not great!

mangocats · 26/08/2023 05:19

There's nothing wrong with being a stay at home mother, although I'm shocked most people think it's normal for a young woman to be attracted to someone probably only a decade younger than her parents.