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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my daughter is throwing her life away

798 replies

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:14

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

OP posts:
Comedycook · 23/08/2023 12:38

I know a few people who have done MAs and unfortunately I'd say a large proportion have done so to put off getting a job and entering the real world.

Florenceatemycake · 23/08/2023 12:38

My parents are very wealthy but they would never have thrown money at us in this way. If we wanted to travel, we had to pay for it and work for it.

Honestly, how you choose to educate your daughter is not her responsibility. It's her life and she can live it how she wishes; the shame is that you seem to have provided her with such a gilded youth that she never even felt work was necessary at all.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 23/08/2023 12:39

YANBU but it is her life.

Stop bankrolling her and don’t pay for the wedding.

She’s had everything come too easy to her in life as a result of the hard work of people around her so doesn’t think she has to do that herself.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 23/08/2023 12:39

I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!

How, exactly, have you done this?

You've funded their entire lives. School, university, travelling - why doesn't she have a job?

redskytwonight · 23/08/2023 12:39

I'd be upset if this was my daughter as well.

But she's an adult, you've supported her as you have to give her options and this is the one she's chosen (I've heard a few young women expressing the same desire just to find a rich enough man to marry so they don't have to work; I don't think she is alone in this attitude).

Delphigirl · 23/08/2023 12:39

She is young. Plenty of time to get a first job after kids if that’s what she wants. She could go and do the time-honoured things for intelligent educated stay at home ladies of means - become a magistrate orwork with a charity or prison visiting - give something back to the community, learn to work with others, get some transferable skills in case she does end up back in the workforce later.

Original poster
BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:40

The reason we have supported her so much was so she could build a life doing whatever she pleased. She has always lacked direction, never really knowing what she wanted to do with her degree. I didn't expect her to waste it.
We offered our son the same and he is an accountant now.

OP posts:
Soverymuchfruit · 23/08/2023 12:40

It has to be her own life and her decisions. You don't get to "buy" her attitude to working life by paying for expensive schooling.

But if you want to try to persuade her out of any of it, work on the 2nd MA. She won't realistically get all that much out of it. Far better for her to work for a year, even if she's intending to quit. She'd learn so much more, meet different people, and have another way to think about herself to fall back on if everything doesn't work out as she hopes.

Frabbits · 23/08/2023 12:40

So, you have basically enabled her to live a life with no financial responsibilities or case, and now you are upset she wants to continue that life?

Yeah, this is to a very large degree your fault. You can't expect someone to completely change their outlook in life that they have spent 20 odd years being used to.

mycoffeecup · 23/08/2023 12:41

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:40

The reason we have supported her so much was so she could build a life doing whatever she pleased. She has always lacked direction, never really knowing what she wanted to do with her degree. I didn't expect her to waste it.
We offered our son the same and he is an accountant now.

It was done with the best of intentions and she has built a life doing what she pleases - not working. I think kids do need to learn the value of money.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2023 12:41

The reason we have supported her so much was so she could build a life doing whatever she pleased.

Then what's your problem? That's exactly what she's doing.

Floralnomad · 23/08/2023 12:41

I agree with a pp , your daughter has no work ethic . You’ve financed her life to this point and now she has found herself a husband to finance the rest .

Delphigirl · 23/08/2023 12:41

Agree second MA is pointless, it is probably so her husband-to-be has an answer to the question “So what does Jaconta DO?”

she’d be better off learning to code but hey ho

MrsKeats · 23/08/2023 12:41

But you haven't instilled any work ethic in her at all have you?
My kids have good degrees but they also worked part time. She thinks paying is someone else's job.

SunsetOverParadise · 23/08/2023 12:42

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:40

The reason we have supported her so much was so she could build a life doing whatever she pleased. She has always lacked direction, never really knowing what she wanted to do with her degree. I didn't expect her to waste it.
We offered our son the same and he is an accountant now.

She is doing what she pleases. It just happens to not be something you like. You complain you wanted her to be independent. She is thinking indecently - from you.

I think you need to have a hard look at yourself and your ideas about what having autonomous, independent children actually means.

Littlebean13 · 23/08/2023 12:42

She has got to the age of 23 without having to work a day in her life which you and your family have enabled and now you’re upset that she doesn’t want to get a job and instead carry on being funded though life, albeit from her husband to be.
Can you not see the irony in this at all?

RainbowUtensils · 23/08/2023 12:42

She spent over £20k on travelling?? Fucking hell! Sorry OP, you might be disappointed but this is partly of your own making - she's had everything handed to her on a plate, there's no work ethic there.

Also you say you and your husband both worked hard - maybe she wished you hadn't and had been at home more, and that's the life she wants to create for her children?

As long as she's truly happy, this is her life and her choices. I think she should get a job so she can have a taste of a different life, but actually she could do that when her kids are older, and it makes sense if her partner is nearly 40 that they have kids sooner rather than later, and she can build a career afterwards (if she wants to).

Yeah - no issue here really.

cansu · 23/08/2023 12:42

Having read that you paid her handsomely to travel around for a year it is frankly your fault. Most people work to live. She doesn't need to. She has had a marvellous life paid for by you. She has now met someone who can continue this for her. You have spoiled her unfortunately. She now fancies being a mother and someone else will pay for this so she can have the full yummy mummy experience.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 23/08/2023 12:42

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:40

The reason we have supported her so much was so she could build a life doing whatever she pleased. She has always lacked direction, never really knowing what she wanted to do with her degree. I didn't expect her to waste it.
We offered our son the same and he is an accountant now.

She is doing what she pleases - studying and having children.

If you wanted to raise her to have a work ethic you should have stopped the funding and made her get a job.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 23/08/2023 12:42

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:40

The reason we have supported her so much was so she could build a life doing whatever she pleased. She has always lacked direction, never really knowing what she wanted to do with her degree. I didn't expect her to waste it.
We offered our son the same and he is an accountant now.

And this is what she is now doing?

You reap what you sow I’m afraid. She’s flighty and lazy and just wants to leech off other people. You’ve enabled that.

Yellowflower47 · 23/08/2023 12:42

Sadly, other posters are correct. You’ve enabled and created this situation. You’ve given everything to your DD, she’s never had to work for things herself, go without or learn the value of hard work. Academia and the real world are two different things. You can’t actually be surprised that you’ve facilitated this her whole life and now judge her choices as an adult?

Comedycook · 23/08/2023 12:42

To be fair to the op she hasn't done much more than most middle class parents. Lots pay for gap years, uni and weddings. Their children still get jobs.

Dartmoorcheffy · 23/08/2023 12:43

"The reason we have supported her so much was so she could build a life doing whatever she pleased." And that is exactly what she is doing. She obviously has no idea of what it's like to be self sufficient as you have provided everything and now her husband will do that.

Frabbits · 23/08/2023 12:43

Delphigirl · 23/08/2023 12:41

Agree second MA is pointless, it is probably so her husband-to-be has an answer to the question “So what does Jaconta DO?”

she’d be better off learning to code but hey ho

Why would she need to learn anything at all other than what interests her?

Mummy and Daddy have paid her way her whole life, and now she has found a man to take over.

All power to her, frankly.

SunsetOverParadise · 23/08/2023 12:43

*independently not indecently!

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