I think my daughter is throwing her life away

[BeauxBelle]

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

Her whole life has been funded, why would she think differently? I imagine it wouldn’t be uncommon amongst her fiancé’s peers for the wives to be stay at home moms either.

If she is happy then you have to leave her to it. It’s her choice, you are being unreasonable to be annoyed now. Perhaps you shouldn’t have paid for 12month holiday.

I would be a bit concerned. But ultimately see it as a choice (hopefully not coercive).

I see throwing your life away more like e.g. taking up heroin and living in a gutter.

She is incredibly well educated, getting married and wants to be a stay at home mum. What can you do but accept that?

Does she? I don't know if a masters in classics or English literature is much of a money spinner. Especially if it's 10 years old because she's been a housewife in the interim.

My kids are only 1 and 5 but i find this mumsnet idea that we should just stop worrying about our kids when they are adults crazy! She's a grown woman, not your place, stay out of it, let her do what she wants. At what age does this kick in? The day they turn 18? I'm in my 30's and my parents still worry about me, offer me advice and would hate to see me make what could be a bad decision in years to come. You read on here every day that women should be financially independent, pay into a pension and not be at the mercy of their partner and that is what the OP is wanting for her daughter but she is unreasonable!

Yes. If she needs to, she could get work experience voluntarily without much difficulty which could either give her some direction or the opportunity to progress into paid work. It is less of a barrier than no GCSES.

She's never had a job, never needed a job. Presumably there isn't a job she wants (or knows she wants) to do or she'd be in it/searching for it.

Reminds me of some of the 'eternal students' from my masters course. Does she have friends that work/have professions?

Her plan is to get settled and have kids, that is fine. I'm sure it's in lots of peoples' life plans at some point. Maybe time (and necessity) might focus her more re work. Or if might not.

Just because someone is a great student doesn't mean they have or want to get a (great) job. But ultimately she needs to figure it out herself.

Then you have raised her not to want to work for her own money OP. As a previous poster stated she is swapping you funding her for her fiance funding her. You don't have to pay for the dreamy wedding, especially if you are not keen on the groom. At the end of the day it's her life and at her age she should be funding it herself. No reason at all why she could not work part time doing a Master's. My DD managed it perfectly fine. You need to step back and stop handing her the cash. Let her learn to budget herself.

Yet another one where the very first reply sums it up ... I was hoping she'd perhaps taken holiday jobs at least, but there's not even any mention of that

Yes it's the DD's choice to make, yes it shows a complete lack of grit, and no it's no surprise at all - though it's a useful warning as to what can happen when they're featherbedded all their lives

I would be concerned too. Its a large age gap.

However, as others said, its her choice. If it works out, its a very nice life. And she's young. If it does not work out she will still be able to enter the workforce and build a career.

I would advise her to protect herself financially as much as she can in case things do not work out. She should insist that he pays into a pension for her and all assets are in joint names ( so he can't hide assets if the relationship goes on the rocks). She needs full financial transparency from him.

She is doing what she pleases!

We never had any spare money so the DCs had to work to get where they are (and both doing extremely well!)
I don’t think indulging DCs ever ends up well, your DD has clearly never learned the value of money or had the satisfaction of achieving something hard won.
She presumably expects this to continue once she’s married. Good luck to her!

To be honest she's not much different to the girls who get pregnant young to secure a council flat and live on benefits all their life. Hers is just a more privileged version. If anything, it's worse, as she has had much more education and opportunity.

This.

She is probably making a mistake but as others have said, she’s just swapped the payroll from you to her partner. She is not equipped to make good decisions.
Also for what it’s worth with a couple of art degrees (i.e. ones not profession related) she will struggle to get into a career ladder anyway let alone in a few years after being at home.
Honestly I’d be disappointed too, but she has to make her own mistakes.
My sister did similar and at 40 finally got a job (her first!) as an admin assistant in a small office after being at home for 20 years. She complains that she’s on minimum wage…..

I'd be gutted as well OP.

What a waste, and she is making herself vulnerable.

Well the most important thing is that she is happy.
She is choosing this, it's not what you would have chosen for her but it's not up to you.
She may be a sahm for a few years then decide that she wants to do something else. She's still young so lots of time have a full and varied life!

Alternative thread title I spoilt my child and now she doesn't want to work for a living

I don't have girls but can understand your concerns.

Yes she's an adult who can choose her own path but also seems oblivious to the level of isolation and long term consequences this may cause.
Unless her hubby to be is paying her national insurance, paying into a pension for her then she is at risk of being royally screwed over. Your worried about that risk.
She is also likely to find herself quite isolated from her friends as generally people drift apart when they have less in common.

I think all you can do is highlight concerns gently to her regarding long term security (especially given age gap and pensions).
I would probably also suggest she tries volunteering to start with if she is refusing to get a job.

YABU and incredibly closed minded. Reflects very badly on you that you’re pissed off you spent all that money on her education and she’s ‘throwing it away’. You have a very dim view of SAHMs it seems.

Also, people say the DD is doing this as she is used to being funded. Which may be true. But we don't know her view of her own life. If (and I don't know if this is true) she felt she did not see much of her parents as she grew up, she may feel she wants to be able to spend a lot of time with her kids and sees being a SAHM as a way to do this.

Whatever, its her choice.

Well no one gets to live a life doing whatever they please. Or at least not one of integrity. You are an intelligent woman, surely you understand that. Your daughter has leveraged her looks, intelligence and charm into getting everyone around her to support her - a situation you have facilitated if not created - so she's no fool but it all sounds terribly shallow and spoilt. I would be very disappointed, not because of the lack of return on my 'investment' or because I thought she was throwing her life away but because I would find it very hard to respect her. To think of someone so clearly privileged and gifted having such a narrow horizon and a lack of interest in engaging with and contributing to the world.

She has everything thrown at her she's had a generous lifestyle some women /men thrive on that they have no insensitive to work its her life to live maybe you didn't set any expectations or maybe she just enjoyed being indulged you will never know.

Good classics degrees are well thought of and can get you on to decent grad schemes for public bodies, accountancy, management consultancy, law etc..

I have a degree in Classics and work in regualtory policy. But I also have 20 years work experience in various policy environments and a post grad diploma in economics.

Unless you are looking to go in to academia or teaching, a post grad in Classics is a bit of an indulgence. Great if mummy and daddy will fund it though!

She is our daughter, it is tradition and we are able to.

23, never worked and with the above are you really surprised she has no work ethic or financial pride?

‘Anything she wanted’….. except be a SAHM it seems 😂