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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I think my daughter is throwing her life away

798 replies

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:14

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

OP posts:
Dreamerdeciever · 26/08/2023 06:44

The age gap and her wanting to be a sahm is not really a concern never ever having to earn a penny IS.
Most sahms HAVE had a job at some point.

The OP sounds deeply foolish: all this stuff about working has can only be achieved by actual work!

Yes that awful feeling of getting up early but having the discipline to do so and the joy of earning cash.

20k on travelling Ffs.

OP, for all your arrogance, and by God you sound deeply arrogant, for what you've written here you sound like a shit parent to me. High earning professional who chucks money at things but too 'busy' to teach their child the fundamentals of life.

Take a long look at yourself and ask why you didn't tell your daughter about how great it feels to earn a bit of money.

You have failed your daughter.

Nobody gives a shit that you're a GP btw.

My bil is CEO of an international company. Worked in McD's while doing his initial degree, guess HIS parents got it right.

Dreamerdeciever · 26/08/2023 07:32

And why would he be trying to trap her exactly? Older man wants to marry a pretty young woman. How weird. NOT. Perfectly normal.
If anyone's trapped her, it's her parents who've not taught her to earn money.
Classic projection from the OP there.

She's hardly likely to end up on benefits anyway. All the pearl clutching about her being destitute? Don't make me laugh. She'll always be financially comfortable.

Newmumatlast · 26/08/2023 07:41

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 14:50

I think everyone is right, we probably have done this to ourselves.
When when was little she had so many ambitions, and now it all seems to be gone.
I believe she wants kids, she always has and spends a lot of her time with cousins children etc. I just wish she'd put all the intelligence to good use.
The only reason I don't like her fiancé is because of his age, he is nice enough and had promised to make sure the house they buy (currently looking at 3.75mil house which to me is just bonkers) will be jointly owned. I just think she could have been just as happy with someone her own age.

You're right to acknowledge that your handouts and that shes never worked has probably contributed to her not seeing any issue with pursuing a life where she also doesn't work.

But you also mentioned earlier that you did all of what you did so that she could pursue whatever she wants ... and this is what she wants. So you have succeeded in her feeling able to pursue what she wants.

If you're going to devote your life to family and never work, to be fair to her, she seems to have chosen a very financially secure option. She's not choosing to be supported by someone lacking ambition or who will only ever keep her on the breadline (the two do not necessarily go hand in hand, hence separating the two).

I always think that education is never completely wasted. Just because the output isn't a job which correlates to it. As a SAHM she will be bringing lots of value to her children. Through her education she has developed herself and will likely be in a much more powerful position in terms of feeling able to manoeuvre in the world I imagine. It may actually have played a good part in the attraction of her to her partner.

You say your only issue with her choice of partner is his age. In which case think yourself very lucky indeed. You could have a SIL who treats your daughter terribly. Who isn't well matched. Who she doesnt really love. Who you do not have any chance to get on with. If its just age then there is no reason why you cannot get on with him.

You say the age gap is 16 years and its mad to me that PP have referred to him as an old man. He is 38. That is hardly an old man. She wants children and his age doesn't prevent that. Depending on the 22 year old there is plenty that they could have in common. Perhaps she is very intelligent and likes that he challenges her, that he is more secure, that he is more settled and stable than many her age etc? I have friends with similar age gaps who have very happy successful relationships. Been married for over a decade with children. One couple I know have built very successful businesses together. Yes there will be cultural references etc and also the reality that if they both die of old age she could find herself with a longer period without a spouse. But if he is the love of her life why would she mind that compared to having a partner who might live naturally longer but she wouldn't choose?

She also has the benefit of being able to, if she wants and can, pursue having children younger than many women these days feel able financially. And that means his age gap will be less of an issue. I.e. many couples of similar age now wait until their 30s so the dad would be much younger anyway.

I think you're being dramatic about the age thing and also above anything else you risk damaging your relationship with your daughter

In your shoes I would help her to receive proper legal advice before marriage if he wants a pre nup and to advise her about making sure she is set up well incase it goes tits up. But she's already being sensible in marrying him rather than doing all of what she plans as a SAHM without such, or similar, protection. I'd encourage her to keep her hand in - either study as she wanted to be an academic anyway or volunteer/work part time. But if she doesnt want to its her choice.

Your worries about him isolating her/clipping her independence i think are fair but unwarranted if what you're thinking about is control/coercion as if he was controlling it doubt he would be encouraging and paying for further study, being a SAHM seems to be what she actually wants, and you have only raised his age as an issue so clearly no signs of anything adverse else you'd have other concerns than age regarding him

Support her OP and keep communication positive. Then she will turn to you if it goes wrong and if it doesn't she could have a very happy life indeed.

TotalOverhaul · 26/08/2023 08:12

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 14:50

I think everyone is right, we probably have done this to ourselves.
When when was little she had so many ambitions, and now it all seems to be gone.
I believe she wants kids, she always has and spends a lot of her time with cousins children etc. I just wish she'd put all the intelligence to good use.
The only reason I don't like her fiancé is because of his age, he is nice enough and had promised to make sure the house they buy (currently looking at 3.75mil house which to me is just bonkers) will be jointly owned. I just think she could have been just as happy with someone her own age.

You sound like you mean well, but have an extremely fixed and narrow idea of how your daughter ought to live her life.

I can promise you it's possible to use you intelligence to its full capacity while raising children.

It's also possible to fall deeply in love with someone who is a different age from you.

Like you, I'd want her to work for a while, because work teaches us so much about life, about who we are and what we are capable of, in a different way from the discipline of academic study. I would chat to her about this, about the value of some financial autonomy. Just plant the idea in her mind that to work and earn her own money is a life experience she should not miss out on. When she's ready, she'll hear it.

Merseymum992 · 26/08/2023 08:13

What is wrong with wanting to be a wife and mother these days?

fedupnow2 · 26/08/2023 08:19

Merseymum992 · 26/08/2023 08:13

What is wrong with wanting to be a wife and mother these days?

Absolutely nothing if you have done something with your life before giving it up to rely on someone else! Whose responsibility is it to financially support you for the rest of your life? I despair and have no sympathy for women who make no attempt at anything other to be a sahm and make herself so vulnerable.

Newmumatlast · 26/08/2023 08:24

CoffeeBean5 · 24/08/2023 06:55

If you're paying for your young dd to marry a man old enough to be her father then you honestly can't complain about their relationship. He sounds very wealthy and I don't think you should pay for the wedding. Maybe just her wedding dress, hair and makeup. Things just got her, not the couple. However, I find it incredibly creepy that this man wanted a girl fresh out of school.

My grandmother married a man (my mum's father) about 16 years older than her when she was in her very early 20s. He was abusive (physically and emotionally) once she had children. He isolated her too. There is absolutely a power imbalance when the younger person is in their teens or 20s.

Creepy?! Fresh out of school?! She isn't 16, she's 22. And yes 16 years is quite an age gap. It's creepy if 16 and 32. Less so at 22 and 38 surely; depending on the people. You can have very mature 22 year olds and less so 38 year olds.

CoffeeBean5 · 26/08/2023 08:39

Newmumatlast · 26/08/2023 08:24

Creepy?! Fresh out of school?! She isn't 16, she's 22. And yes 16 years is quite an age gap. It's creepy if 16 and 32. Less so at 22 and 38 surely; depending on the people. You can have very mature 22 year olds and less so 38 year olds.

If you read the OP properly you'd see that the dd was only 19 when she started dating a 35 year old man. I find that very very creepy as I'm only a few years older than OP's dd. She was barely out of secondary school.

wowthatsharsh · 26/08/2023 08:58

So you paid for her studies, she was gifted £20,000 to travel, never had a part time job and is now getting her wedding paid for.

And you wonder why she doesn't want to work.

You've created this situation!

wowthatsharsh · 26/08/2023 09:03

I'd be more concerned if I was HIS mum.

Sounds like your daughter is a gold digger and is using him as a sugar daddy!

Blueink · 26/08/2023 11:09

TotalOverhaul · 26/08/2023 08:12

You sound like you mean well, but have an extremely fixed and narrow idea of how your daughter ought to live her life.

I can promise you it's possible to use you intelligence to its full capacity while raising children.

It's also possible to fall deeply in love with someone who is a different age from you.

Like you, I'd want her to work for a while, because work teaches us so much about life, about who we are and what we are capable of, in a different way from the discipline of academic study. I would chat to her about this, about the value of some financial autonomy. Just plant the idea in her mind that to work and earn her own money is a life experience she should not miss out on. When she's ready, she'll hear it.

How is she going to apply her Masters as a SAHM?

If she doesn’t want to use it, that’s up to her, but she won’t be using it to full capacity, will she?

zingally · 26/08/2023 11:37

Fivethirtyeight · 25/08/2023 11:19

Almost all privately educated 70 and 80 year olds did.

Stats show privately educated women in their 60s have lower lifetime income than state educated.

It’s a good choice with the right man. It’s unusual now because most men can’t afford it.

My mum was never privately educated, and is only in her mid-60s. She was bright, so went to the girls grammar school, then to a top-10 UK university.

My dad won an academic scholarship to a 2nd tier public school in the home counties, then worked as a teacher all his life. They were certainly never rolling in the dough.
A frugal lifestyle, and wise investments when they had the chance enabled them to make it work financially.

Saschka · 26/08/2023 11:39

wowthatsharsh · 26/08/2023 09:03

I'd be more concerned if I was HIS mum.

Sounds like your daughter is a gold digger and is using him as a sugar daddy!

Quite!

Elfandwellbeing · 26/08/2023 11:43

YANBU but you have raised her to be a kept woman.

Dreamerdeciever · 26/08/2023 13:00

Elfandwellbeing · 26/08/2023 11:43

YANBU but you have raised her to be a kept woman.

Yeah she has. Earning money feels good. Most won't give it up fully (lots of sahms earn a bit of cash, even if not in full time work) unless raising small children or unfortunate to become mentally or physically unwell.

Playingintheshadow · 26/08/2023 21:13

JusthereforXmas · 23/08/2023 18:41

I find it embarrasing some that people tie their entire worth and value (and even the worth of others like their children) to the workforce where they are essentially nothing but a worker bee instead of basing their pride on being a good person, learning and improving, following dreams, supporting their mental stability and raising their kids but here we are.

They can't do that on fresh air!!

I'd quite frankly be embarrassed too.

EastEndQueen · 26/08/2023 21:49

OP, I’ve no idea if you have read this far but I just wanted to say that this is really hard and I understand absolutely why you are concerned.

I’m in my mid 30s and I have been lucky enough to have a similar education to your DD and my mother is from a similarly professional background to you. I’m currently working FT whilst raising my children, with the sort of ‘equal/ dual professional marriage’ I imagine you aspire to for your DD. It’s great, but also hard and i regularly question myself whilst dropping multiple work/ life balls and shouting a lot! I’m now ‘where my mother hoped’ but I took some interesting turns in my early 20s (I will not call them mistakes as they were valuable) and I remember romanticising the SAHM life at that point. Possibly because it was in opposition to u mother?

My only advice - stay calm and hang in there. Your worst fear - that this is coercive control and she is being isolated I understand. I had a similar fear with one of my best friends with her marriage a few years ago and it’s agonising. But the best thing if (and it is unlikely) that this is the case is to not pick fights, stay there and be around if and when it’s a problem. Keep that open door.

She would be wise to keep a small avenue to paid employment if she can - possibly suggest tutoring/ a PGCE rather than the Masters and doing supply? I know it’s not what you hoped but it leaves the door open for a career if and when life changes.

caramacyears · 26/08/2023 22:04

Great plan until it turns out after the wedding that he wants her to dress as a turkey in glittery pink socks to do the housework. (Only slightly lighthearted)

Playingintheshadow · 26/08/2023 22:36

fedupnow2 · 26/08/2023 08:19

Absolutely nothing if you have done something with your life before giving it up to rely on someone else! Whose responsibility is it to financially support you for the rest of your life? I despair and have no sympathy for women who make no attempt at anything other to be a sahm and make herself so vulnerable.

Nothing, though it often ends in tears.

However, to benefit from such an expensive education and to not, 'give anything back', and to fail to ever hold down a job, is beyond ridiculous.

She's not a mother yet - there's no guarantee that she will be.

I would be beyond furious if a child of mine effectively gave me the two fingers basically, and dissed the emotional and financial support they've had throughout their education (absolutely NOTHING in comparison with the OP's DD, but commensurate to what we could afford) and failed to capitalise on their good fortune, and make a career!

Playingintheshadow · 26/08/2023 22:41

A professional qualification instead of another MA seems sensible.

Re the age gap - I'm not going to reveal the actual ages because it would be outing and nowadays it would be considered shocking - but my parents had an 18 year age gap. They adored each other until my dad died - and beyond.

Newmumatlast · 27/08/2023 15:45

CoffeeBean5 · 26/08/2023 08:39

If you read the OP properly you'd see that the dd was only 19 when she started dating a 35 year old man. I find that very very creepy as I'm only a few years older than OP's dd. She was barely out of secondary school.

Thank you for chastising me for not reading the OP properly. I must remember that as I have ADHD I should re, re read and read again before posting in future. I don't think 19 and 35 is necessarily horrendous depending on the people involved. My SD tbh I would find it odd even at how she was at 25 for her to date even a 30 year old as she is very immature and child like. However my friend who went on to marry someone with a similar age gap to OP's daughter was 19 when she met him and it actually has never seemed odd. She was always very mature, ran her own business from very young and to be honest the power dynamic has always been in her favour.

Newmumatlast · 27/08/2023 15:52

Playingintheshadow · 26/08/2023 22:36

Nothing, though it often ends in tears.

However, to benefit from such an expensive education and to not, 'give anything back', and to fail to ever hold down a job, is beyond ridiculous.

She's not a mother yet - there's no guarantee that she will be.

I would be beyond furious if a child of mine effectively gave me the two fingers basically, and dissed the emotional and financial support they've had throughout their education (absolutely NOTHING in comparison with the OP's DD, but commensurate to what we could afford) and failed to capitalise on their good fortune, and make a career!

this is the difficulty though - we don't own our children and anything we give them is our choice without guarantee

KimberleyClark · 27/08/2023 16:06

Fivethirtyeight · 25/08/2023 11:19

Almost all privately educated 70 and 80 year olds did.

Stats show privately educated women in their 60s have lower lifetime income than state educated.

It’s a good choice with the right man. It’s unusual now because most men can’t afford it.

Well it’s a good choice provided he doesn’t run off with a younger model and doesn’t see why he should support her for the rest of her life as well as the children, and indeed why should he, and she has no means of earning a living and no up to date skills or relevant experience…….

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