I think my daughter is throwing her life away

[BeauxBelle]

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

So what if it is?

If someone can bankroll their life via parents/partners etc, why work if they don't need to? Plenty of people do exactly that.

OP just seems to think that her daughter should suddenly develop a desire to work when her whole life her parents have ensured she doesn't need to.

I don't understand why you're confused that she has no desire to work.

You've said you brought her up to earn a living, and then in the next breath handed her five figure sums of money so she can go travelling.

You're confused because your son, having had the same treatment, is now an accountant. I'd suggest that this is through luck than design. He's the anomaly, whereas your daughter is simply living her life the way you raised her.

I'm sorry OP, but you've moulded her into this person by giving her everything in life. She's never had to save, she's never had a part-time job.

Completely disagree. You got opportunities that you were prepared to turn your nose at, on someone else’s dime.

Sometimes parents make a lot of sacrifices for their children to have more/the best.
For example if parents pay for a child to get the best training/kit/access for their child to have a chance as a professional sports player, but the child starts smoking, we would tell the young person they are ungrateful and an idiot, and we would commiserate with the parents and tell them not to throw good money after bad.

That’s what’s happening here. There is a foolish and entitled young woman, that is clueless as to what she is doing.
My guess is there will be a pre-nup that will be ruinous for her.

This is a pisstake. She's never had a job because she spent the entire holidays at other people's homes. Please don't criticise your daughter's choices - she might give you some home truths on her childhood.

You wanted her to be able to do what she pleases. She’s doing what she pleases. Mission accomplished.

But there are no children yet and there might never be for any number of reasons. And I was a SAHM for much of my children's primary years but that still leaves 30 years to work and contribute, 20 if you insist on working til they go to University/otherwise leave home. As many others have said, the SAHM thing sounds like just another way to avoid work.

At some point your children will make their own choices about how they want to live their lives. I'm not sure there is much more you can do. I think it's hard for all parents to accept that their child may not choose to follow in their footsteps, in terms of lifestyle, career choices, even spouse choices.

This, for you, is the point at which you have to walk away. Give her your blessing and let go

No it's not. I'm a sahm and have teens now. I've been a sahm for most of their lives. I worked before.

So her education will stand her in good stead to mingle with plenty of influential people she meets through her husband. Even the fact she studied Classics is laughable - was full of the beautiful people when I was at uni, all destined to marry well and never have to work a day in their lives.

You have given her the best of everything to the point where she doesn't want to work. Can't blame her. I would have done precisely the same given the choice! Worst case scenario, they get married then divorced and she walks away with a healthy bank balance.

Really can't see the extent of your anguish!

Well, she is building a life she wants, and you're not happy. You have provided everything she needs and wants up until now, and she has now found a man to carry on doing that!

You say you’ve raised your children to know that they have to work hard and pay their own way. How exactly? You’ve raised your daughter to adulthood without her ever having to have lifted a finger to earn. For context my daughter is in pretty much the same situation…same age, engaged to be married in 2025 (tho to someone her own age) but she’s worked since she was 14! We’re comfortably off and supported her through Uni but she had a job for every single month of that 4 years. She’s been off travelling every year since she was 16 and caught the bug, all self-funded though, and while we’re contributing to the wedding, it’s going to be a small and rustic affair because they don’t want a huge expensive do just for the sake of it and have also already started their house fund. My 19-year old son is exactly the same, he’s worked since he was 15 because I didn’t want to raise spongers! Honestly you have brought this entirely on yourselves. I don’t blame your daughter one bit for her choices - she’s just taking what’s been handed to her and good luck to her.

Your answer is that you have spoilt and coddled her. You haven't taught her the importance of being independent, managing money and making it on your own. The result is that she has now found someone else who will take over from you; funding her education and paying for her life. If you are looking for someone to blame then take a look in the mirror.

On a practical note, why don't you advise her not to do the second masters, get a job and some work experience anyway with a view to still becoming a sahm if she wants to, but to keep options open.
Also you could advise her on some of the practical stuff about being a sahm like pensions, having joint access to money, names on deeds etc.
So you're not fighting her decision, but guiding.

Also, have you never discussed what she might do as a job? Its quite a regular topic of conversation with my kids.

Why do you have to pay for her wedding??

It's making yourself very vulnerable in the event of a split if you have no work background and no way to earn your own money.

This. You've made a bit of a rod for your own back.

I would also add that teaching your children how to earn money themselves and how to control their spending is a very very valuable life lesson. Crucial, in fact.

Sounds like my dream life, I have the husband that is 16 years older than me but sadly I have to work and juggle our children.
I wouldn't be concerned about my daughter at this point.

It is risking your future financial security though.

Yep

At least you will be getting grandchildren early OP! Your daughter is not making the worst choices - she has carefully selected a man with enough means to support her and maybe old and tired enough to be grateful for having young pliant wife willing to shoulder the domestic burden. She also knows that you are are around to catch her if she falls. If she devotes 8-10 years to her family, she still has enough time to start on a career in her early thirties.

Like others have said, she's spent her whole life doing what she wanted with the bill footed by someone else, now she's found a way to continue with that. I am not sure why you are so surprised.

As you DH is a lawyer, make sure she is covered legally and financially to the extent you can (no prenup, name on the house, will in place etc), but otherwise there is not much you can do.

To me she sounds frightened. She wants the structure of an academic course. She wants the security of marriage to someone who is older/more affluent. She wants what she currently sees as the stable role of a housewife/mother.

Perhaps the most significant problem relating to her partner's age is that it puts a bit of pressure on, in terms of starting the family.

If you were to give any advice perhaps it should be aimed at taking a bit of time before starting to have children. And maybe, before getting pregnant, try talking to other friends who are stay at home parents to find out about whether it works for them.

Really does show the limitations of private school. They encourage the children of the rich to specialise in arts subjects the government is discouraging and the government has done it's best to derail and dismantle the UK arts sector.