To find my friend’s parenting style intensely irritating

[Hormonehell1]

Lovely friend. Her DD plays with mine really well and I don’t mind having her (friends DD) at my house playing for the day.

My friend alone is also really lovely, we never run out of things to talk about and I admire her in many ways.

BUT… whenever we meet up as two families, her DD (7) nags her constantly wanting to be bought things sweets, toys, rides etc even if my friend caves in a couple of times, her DD will continuously nag her, strop, hit her, cry, winge and ruin days out through sheer negative vibes if she doesn’t get what she wants. My DD will observe her friend getting her own way and try it on with me but I say no and hold firm not wishing to open the nagging floodgates.

Recently, we went to Alton Towers and it had cost a lot to go there. When we arrived it wasn’t long before my friend’s DD was nagging her mum for toys, sweets, and asking repeatedly to go on the paid games where they can win teddies, despite the fact that we had been to the amazing swimming pool, had eaten in the cafe and had all the rides to go on.

My friend seemed irritated with me that I wouldn’t take my DD to the paid games and ended up caving and paying for my DD to go to them. I felt as though she thought I was being mean.

I just can’t spend another day with her being too soft on her DD and both kids waking around looking miserable because they’re trying to manipulate us in to getting what they want. Especially when these are expensive supposed to be special days out.

I think her DD is like this because she gives in eventually and is sometimes brought to tears by her DD who tells her she’s a “horrible mummy”.

I’m allergic to being manipulated and if DD says anything like that to me it makes me stand firmer in my NO.

I want to see her independently of her DD and I also want to facilitate my daughter’s relationship with her DD but I can’t bear their dynamic one more time!

I'm with you on this one! I can't stand kids who behave like that and I don't think they turn into nice adults, either.

DDs friends are normally more demanding then mine and wanting to buy everything, I always say to DD before we meet up- look I'm not paying for anything extra, she understands I'm not shitting money.

I would either say if you are going into an extra paid place, I will meet you later etc. Otherwise I just have the other child without the parent and they normally conform to your way.

If you are good friends can't you discuss it? The extra paid expenses aren't something you have budgeted for or only go to places that don't sell anything- park etc.

Once had a very similar friend. We booked a caravan holiday together.. What a disaster. Her dd demanded a bucket /space /toy from every bloody shop. She wanted to eat crap the entire week whereas my dd ate either a cooked meal or happily a picnic.. Absolute nightmare..
Maybe see your friend term time only op..

I can’t really talk to her about it because I worry that she’ll become defensive and feel criticised by me. Parenting is so sensitive and I have no comprehension of her reasoning - maybe she was deprived as a kid and wants to give her kid what she didn’t have.

I don’t care that she’s like this really, I just don’t want to waste my money on ‘nice’ days out that are spoilt by her kid’s unchecked behaviour and seemingly constant feeling of scarcity.

It feels as though they have an unhealthy dynamic and her daughter is controlling her.

She always demands that my friend goes in to the soft-play to play with her, so my friend leaves the table we are at having coffee and a nice chat, and squeezes herself through all the tunnels and gets pelted in the face by those dangling soft play punch bag things to accompany her daughter around on her hands and knees.

I’m a judgy b aren’t I!

Yes, you are a judgy b

With some friends you just can't hang out together with children if their parenting is the opposite of yours.

Yep!

You have 3 choices

Do nothing
Stop seeing her with her child

Actually say something

I would go with 3, but in a 'with my child when we go to here I am not spending more than the entry/food' type thing not 'I need to tell you that you are wrong' way

I wonder if it would work to have a chat before the next outing and say you're working to a budget and have only allocated £X for extras. See if she would like to allow her DD the same budget and when it's gone, it's gone, and you can both stand firm together in the face of the nagging?

Right now it seems like the poor woman has set herself up to be a bit like a slots machine at the casino, with her DD wondering if this particular nag/whine will give a payout.

Maybe firmly-managed expectations could help without her feeling defensive about her parenting.

She's building a rod for her own back, as they say.

Unfortunately, you can't really say anything without risking your friendship.

I don't know what to suggest.

Your posts do feel a bit judgy. So what if she wants to go in soft play with her child. Her child won't be young forever, and her child will remember Mum playing with her too. If you feel you can't spend another day with them combined then yes you are being judgy. It's not your place to judge how she parents, it's your place to parent your child and tell her just because X gets everything doesn't mean you will so don't pester me about it.

I try and stand firm with friends and their kids on this kind of thing. Eg don’t always cave on extra paid stuff (great they are going on it why don’t we meet you here at x once you are done) or extra food if we have bought a picnic or screen time when a friend is over.

I’m not saying I’m the meanest mum ever but it is ok to say we’ve spent our budget for today/we had a sweet treat already this morning/you watched a film already so why don’t you play outside.

And some times I’ve found it gives my more permissive friends a slightly stronger stance with their own kids when they hear my ‘not today because xyz’ to mine

If you want to continue doing things with friend and DDs, I think you need to say something. But it doesn’t have to be critical of her parenting, just say that you are being careful with money and have explained to your DD ahead of going that there won’t be extra things paid for. I am with you on this, I worry how that child will turn out.

The soft play thing is fine and I think that’s nice as ultimately that’s just parenting your kids. Soft play isn’t ‘for adults’ despite the cafe section. although I do get your frustration.

What I would do is tell her before the next outing ‘just so you know money is tight this month so I won’t be buying my DD anything extra whilst we’re there. Just do you’re aware I’m not being mean but I can’t justify it right now.’

She may reply and same ‘same here’. As it sounds like she doesn’t set off to do it but only does it because of the nagging. If she says that then say ‘great. Shall we speak to the girls before we go in and tell them not to nag us for any extras before we go in because it’s not happening?’. So then it’ll feel like a joint effort and she won’t feel mean.

If she doesn’t offer to do the same then the ball is in her court to spoil her own DD if she wants with no expectations on you to do the same. You might be lucky and she may then go out of her way not to buy her DD anything believing you can’t afford to do the same.

I would find it massively annoying to have gone to Alton Towers with someone who then refuses to let their child have any fun. If you can’t afford to give your DD the full experience that’s fair enough but to say no to her just for the sake of it is cruel.

I personally try to do as much with DC as possible. They’re only young once and when you do stuff with them it helps them to build memories they will treasure for a long time.

How old are the children involved?

She just does things differently to you.

I have a good friend who is far more indulgent of his children (one of whom is my 11 year old's best friend, so we're out a lot together) than I am of DS, spends frankly mad amounts of money on them, and caves to every demand, but it's because (a) he, like me, had a very deprived childhood and wants to give his children everything he didn't have, which I understand and (b) is guilty about his divorce from their mother, though it was at her instigation,

I just talk to DS in advance and make it plain what I am and am not up for doing. I think other parents in his friendship group, some of whom are much less well-off, do similar.

Yes, you are being a judgy bint, but who the hell would blame you, the friends DD sounds like a right spoilt madam.

I'd definitely just say "look, I've budgeted for this outing and can't justify any extras, so if you are going to let your DD loose in the shops/attractions etc., please can you do so out of earshot or eyesight of us, as MY dd is starting to turn into a demanding, spoiled eejit when she sees YOUR dd getting all the extras that she wants, and it's not fair on either of us"

She always demands that my friend goes in to the soft-play to play with her, so my friend leaves the table we are at having coffee and a nice chat, and squeezes herself through all the tunnels and gets pelted in the face by those dangling soft play punch bag things to accompany her daughter around on her hands and knees.

I don’t see what is wrong with this at all.

On the rest of it, I wouldn’t say any thing that criticises her parenting at all. You either need to go to places where this isn’t a possibility, ie the park, limit your interactions to adults only or have strong words with your own child beforehand that this is what you’re doing, this is how much you have to spend and thats that. Make it clear that if she starts like the friend then days out with them won’t be possible any more. If this is ruining your time together though I’d take a step back from such days out.

No, she's really not being 'a judgy b' at all.

She's trying really hard to maintain a friendship for both the adults and the children in this scenario, she's bitten her tongue on this the entire time and she's just trying to explain why she feels she needs to manage the situation if things are going to work. She's very aware that parenting is a sensitive issue and she's being very considerate of her friend's feelings.

I have a sister in law who was like your friend with her kids.
A memory that will forever make me grimace was when her youngest was almost three and I went to visit her.
She made a coffee and offered me a kit kat which I declined.
She gave her son one, which he ate and then went into the most eye popping tantrum when she refused him another. Full on screaming, rolling round, kicking her, the works.
She caved in and he ate the entire pack in one go!!
That's just one example.
He grew to be one of the most selfish, self absorbed adults I've ever known.
He treats his mother like shit, hits his wife and kids and can't hold a job down.

Have been in a similar position with a really lovely friend. She would not have taken the criticism or comments well at all.
Example during our days out: both our children wanted ice creams. I bought them and her child took 2 licks then promptly threw in nearby bin! I was horrified! Within 5 minutes he asked for another one, I refused and she went and bought it. Unbelievable!!! Think that was the last day out we had.

I would find it massively annoying to have gone to Alton Towers with someone who then refuses to let their child have any fun

Isn’t the fun… being at Alton Towers?

Whoops found the friend!

I would find it massively annoying to have gone to Alton Towers with someone who then refuses to let their child have any fun. If you can’t afford to give your DD the full experience that’s fair enough but to say no to her just for the sake of it is cruel.

What are you TALKING about? How did you jump from the OP taking her child for a lovely day at Alton Towers, to the pool, on a load of rides to...refuses to let their child have any fun. Is life only fun for children if they are bought tat from every shop? What does that teach them? The OP's friend is an example of shit parenting, pandering to their child's every whim, promoting instant gratification at all times, and teaching her to be manipulative.