To find my friend’s parenting style intensely irritating

[Hormonehell1]

Lovely friend. Her DD plays with mine really well and I don’t mind having her (friends DD) at my house playing for the day.

My friend alone is also really lovely, we never run out of things to talk about and I admire her in many ways.

BUT… whenever we meet up as two families, her DD (7) nags her constantly wanting to be bought things sweets, toys, rides etc even if my friend caves in a couple of times, her DD will continuously nag her, strop, hit her, cry, winge and ruin days out through sheer negative vibes if she doesn’t get what she wants. My DD will observe her friend getting her own way and try it on with me but I say no and hold firm not wishing to open the nagging floodgates.

Recently, we went to Alton Towers and it had cost a lot to go there. When we arrived it wasn’t long before my friend’s DD was nagging her mum for toys, sweets, and asking repeatedly to go on the paid games where they can win teddies, despite the fact that we had been to the amazing swimming pool, had eaten in the cafe and had all the rides to go on.

My friend seemed irritated with me that I wouldn’t take my DD to the paid games and ended up caving and paying for my DD to go to them. I felt as though she thought I was being mean.

I just can’t spend another day with her being too soft on her DD and both kids waking around looking miserable because they’re trying to manipulate us in to getting what they want. Especially when these are expensive supposed to be special days out.

I think her DD is like this because she gives in eventually and is sometimes brought to tears by her DD who tells her she’s a “horrible mummy”.

I’m allergic to being manipulated and if DD says anything like that to me it makes me stand firmer in my NO.

I want to see her independently of her DD and I also want to facilitate my daughter’s relationship with her DD but I can’t bear their dynamic one more time!

Sorry I realised I wasn't that clear.

I meant to say that I think you should speak to your friend. But not about her parenting. Just to explain how you parent and what your boundaries are. Eg you will not buy your daughter things from the shop or take her to the arcade etc, so will go and do something else instead if that's what she and her daughter want to do. And that you do not want her to offer to buy things for your daughter if you have said no. Then stick to this. Go somewhere else and arrange to meet if they start tat shopping or using paid for machines. Politely refuse if she offers to buy something for your daughter.

She may notice that your daughter does not constantly nag and decide to take a leaf from your book. Or she may not. But I think you'd feel less resentful if you keep your boundaries and don't let it affect your day as much, even if that means separating for parts of it.

As before, your daughter can be told it doesn't matter what her friend is allowed to have or do, you have your own family rules. And you can explain as you normally might about money spent, appreciating what we have etc

The softplay - there's really not much you can do. Either resign yourself to a coffee alone or don't arrange to go to soft play with them.

@TheaBrandt honestly after last time I was so cross because this child is also really rude and cheeky. I really like his mum but it’s impossible to have a conversation with her DS around. He seems NT but to be honest after writing down that summary of his behaviour, I wonder. DS has lots of other little friends and all of them are happy just to play together while the adults chat. If DS comes mithering me on a play date (provided he’s not hurt or upset about something) I just tell him to run and play or we’ll have to go home if he’s not capable of that. I’m quite in favour of benign neglect as a form of parenting though!

They need to be able to interact with their peers / amuse themselves for a while. Requiring full on adult attention at all times at 8 plus h Is surely not healthy unless there are SN. They are not toddlers anymore.

Thing is, I don’t think he wants adult attention when his mum doesn’t have a friend round - he seems just not to want her to have a nice time. I genuinely think he just can’t bear her to have a nice chat with a friend - he’s an only one and she’s a single parent so maybe it’s that he’s jealous of her paying attention to anyone else. When DS goes there for a play date without me, he plays with DS happily. It’s only when there’s another adult there that he kicks off.

Agree with this.

Neither of you are wrong. You just have different approaches to days out and treating your kids. Her approach isn't worse than yours and vice versa. I'm sure your DD has some treats that her DD doesn't have.

The thing that would annoy me though would be the nagging, hitting and whining. I will buy my DC some things on days out if they ask for them - ice cream, something from the gift shop etc. - when others might not, but I would certainly not tolerate being hit, whined or yelled at. That said, I do believe in choosing my battles and might give in to some requests on a day out that I wouldn't at other times, which might annoy you if you were out with us.

I think days out are easier though when you have a common approach. I tend not to go to dinner with friends who only order tap water and like to share a single starter as that's not my idea of a good time. Similarly, we mostly choose days out with friends where we broadly agree what the kids will have - a couple of ice creams maybe, pizza or something from the cafe for lunch, but neither parent is up for buying up half the gift shop! While it's not necessary that everyone always has the same (and it's a good life lesson that other people might have more/different things), we tend to go on days out to have fun, not learn life lessons, so being greeted with "that's not fair!" every 5 seconds (or even knowing that my child is justifiably thinking this) isn't really going to make me want to repeat the experience.

To flip this the other way being the parent refusing and making everything awkward and expecting everyone to conform to you is EQUALLY rude.

I have medical issues, as a child I had no appetite and was severely underweight (so bad I have been hospitalized over it). I could go days without eating then suddenly get hungry then not eat again for days.

There was one time my mam fell out with friends because we where about 5 and went to a show together. I did a rare thing and asked for some chips from the food van. My friend asked for food too and got yelled at by her parents. they then ranted about how theres food at home and its overpriced to eat out (like £2 tray of chips at a food van).

My friend was crying, we had been out hours and would be out several more hours. My mam offered to buy her the food as she always does (but especially since they kept mentioning money) but they refused and got offended.

They then sat there glaring at us while I ate (making me nervous and unable to eat) with their crying child and ranting about how we where stupid to pay those prices and should just eat at home.

It put me off eating as I was basically being told off (and yes they knew about my condition), my friend was upset the rest of the day too constantly crying she was hungry and it ruined it for everyone.

I mean lets flip it another way, say they came to our house (not a public area) and we where eating. We offered them food but they declined and they then stared at us while we ate and slagged us off for eating... it wouldn't be acceptable would it.

Its not our job to have to bend to the will of others.

I don't think you should say anything to your friend about the fact that you are on a budget as I don't think the issue is money as such. It's more that her daughter can have a strop and get what she wants and your daughter is seeing this.

You need to have a chat with your friend and just say that you won't buy your daughter additional gifts as you want to teach her the value of money, and that she's having a nice day out and she can't expect additional items.

Everyone’s kids and parenting styles are different. You are seeing a snapshot of their family life and judging them with a holier than thou attitude. As long as the child is not being harmed or neglected it’s really none of your business. If you don’t like it, don’t go out with them, it’s as simple as that.

My step daughter is like this because her parents have no ability to tell her ‘no darling’. It’s been a nightmare, but she at least now understands I’m not open to constant requests for more. Not setting up a healthy dynamic imo. My DH feels guilty about her not having parents together, which I think drives a lot of the giving in to manipulation.

Doesn't sound like either of you are getting it right, at least in the Alton Towers example you gave. Quite a lot of middle ground between your "answer is no, now what's the question?" and her "must give child everything or else am horrid mummy" tbh

@Callingofthecats

no, she isn’t! Who in their right mind would go round after that kid like that at soft play?!

Some good advice here. I think planning ahead in your mind will help a bit too. Know what you will say and do if the child derails plans or starts making demands. At Alton Towers you'd already got loads to do that you'd already paid for. So you could maybe have told your mate that you and your dc would go for a ride or whatever, and agree a time and place to meet up later.

Good parents do.

You are SUPPOSE to supervise your kids and watch them in a soft play... you are not suppose to ignore them and chat to your mates, its not a nursery/creche you are on parenting duty and suppose to actually pay attention to your kid.

Honestly wish these places would start banning the parents that ignore their kids and expect them to be the other parents who are doing what they are supposes too problem. Can't follow the clearly posted rules and waviers you sign then tough tits you can't come in.

@JusthereforXmas

did you miss the bit about the child being 7 years old? They do not need supervising every second when playing at that age

I think the stuff about the children wanting to be bought stuff is a bit of a red herring. It drives me crackers when I take my children to an entirely child focused thing and they still aren’t satisfied. They need to enjoy what they have, not keep whinging about all the things they don’t have.

I remember a friend, when being asked to play (at a children’s playground) saying “No darling, I’m quite settled here”. It was a revelation!

@JusthereforXmas you think soft plays should be full of parents following their 7yo’s around the whole time 😂 think of the injuries!

Mine are 6 and 10 and it’s been years since I followed them round a soft play. I do sit and chat to mates and enjoy an coffee instead. Mostly because I’m normal and not a massive overbearing weirdo. The kids know where I am if they need me (which they never do because, again, I’m not an overbearing weirdo)

I’d agree for a two year old. At seven? They go to school without coming to harm (I hope). They can play with a friend at soft play without needing a parent to facilitate.

When we were only holiday at the outdoor pool my DS made friends with an 8yo whose mum would follow, at the side of the pool, wherever he went in the pool. So she was never more than a few metres from him. Meaning effectively when they played she was staring at them the whole time. Poor kid. I can’t believe these ‘good parents’ walk among us.

I think I'd just check both their behaviour at once tbh. 'For goodness sake you've been told no, both of you, stop whinging like a pair of 2 year olds, you're far too big to be behaving like toddlers!'

Give her some backup while making it clear to your dd that you don't tolerate it.

This would really bug me! Especially if her behaviour starts to impact on your DD's. Its gard to say anything directly to your friend withoutfalling out, but possibly hint that spoilt children need to be reigned in. She's setting herself up for a hard life, 7y olds turn into teenagers!

Maybe instead of addressing it directly, next time your friend mentions to you feeling like she “has” to give in to her kids demands for more sweets/more more more whatever, you could gently say to her something along the lines of “do you think she does this because she knows you’ll give in? Maybe be a bit firmer and hold the line and she won’t keep doing this?” or even jokingly (but meaning it) say “come on who’s the grownup here? Be the boss!” to remind her she’s the bloody adult in the situation and it’s her that makes the rules.
every kid has their bratty whingey moments let’s be real. But this pattern of behaviour you describe every time you go out would get on my nerves.
Equally, I have friends who I know aren’t struggling for money but just refuse for their own reasons to buy sweets or bits of tat every time we’re out with our kids, and I then have the opposite feeling of being made to feel guilty if I do want to treat my kids to a flashing wand at the pantomime or whatever it is.

I'm a dog trainer. The best way to ensure a dog repeats a behaviour is to reward it occasionally.
Scientifically this is what your friend is doing.
Totally unreasonable to expect you to enable your daughter because she has taught her daughter to nag.
Stay firm, don't give in.

If I had said no [to the paid games] to my child and the person with me undermined me and took them and paid for them I'd be really pissed off. She can do what she wants with her own child, but if you said no to your child she has no business doing that, it's really cheeky.

You have two choices; stop going on 'family' days out, and only see your friend in adult only situations, or prime your child with a serious pep talk that nagging like your friends daughter will not get her what she wants and you won't tolerate it.

Absolutely. People rarely parent the same way. She might not appreciate your way. If you find it that much of a problem,don't go out with her and her children.