To find my friend’s parenting style intensely irritating

[Hormonehell1]

Lovely friend. Her DD plays with mine really well and I don’t mind having her (friends DD) at my house playing for the day.

My friend alone is also really lovely, we never run out of things to talk about and I admire her in many ways.

BUT… whenever we meet up as two families, her DD (7) nags her constantly wanting to be bought things sweets, toys, rides etc even if my friend caves in a couple of times, her DD will continuously nag her, strop, hit her, cry, winge and ruin days out through sheer negative vibes if she doesn’t get what she wants. My DD will observe her friend getting her own way and try it on with me but I say no and hold firm not wishing to open the nagging floodgates.

Recently, we went to Alton Towers and it had cost a lot to go there. When we arrived it wasn’t long before my friend’s DD was nagging her mum for toys, sweets, and asking repeatedly to go on the paid games where they can win teddies, despite the fact that we had been to the amazing swimming pool, had eaten in the cafe and had all the rides to go on.

My friend seemed irritated with me that I wouldn’t take my DD to the paid games and ended up caving and paying for my DD to go to them. I felt as though she thought I was being mean.

I just can’t spend another day with her being too soft on her DD and both kids waking around looking miserable because they’re trying to manipulate us in to getting what they want. Especially when these are expensive supposed to be special days out.

I think her DD is like this because she gives in eventually and is sometimes brought to tears by her DD who tells her she’s a “horrible mummy”.

I’m allergic to being manipulated and if DD says anything like that to me it makes me stand firmer in my NO.

I want to see her independently of her DD and I also want to facilitate my daughter’s relationship with her DD but I can’t bear their dynamic one more time!

Depends on the soft play.

In a few I go to a couple of adults in certain sections ensures all the kids behave. Otherwise you get the one/two kids who launch themselves at others and hit/kick them.

Yeah, it's sad to think about how many child experienced abuse and poor parenting.

They have arcade type things at a lot of theme parks now for example they do at Drayton manor. My son wanted to go in one but we'd already spent money on the entry to the park, ice creams and I always let them get a little something from the gift shop so it was a no. I don't see the point at a theme park where the aim is to go on the actual rides you've paid entry for rather than arcade that you can find in many places and requires extra money to be spent.

You just have to continue to be firm. Our nephew is similar to your friends dd, bil can afford to buy him whatever he desires and his mum facilitates the bratty behaviour. When he demands things our kids used to chime in too and that's where they got a stern no. We don't buy them something everytime we step into a shop or the shopping centre but they do. I've stopped spending time with them at these kind of places because they see no issue with their behaviour but its really unpleasant to be around a stroppy 8 year old having a tantrum because dad won't buy them something.

You have a choice either limit the time you spend with them or speak to ypur own child before and set a spending limit.

They don’t appreciate the stuff either. We usually said no but occasionally yes they remember those times and value the toys bought.

And to the poster that accused the op of “thinking she is superior” well yes actually on this she is superior as she is doing the hard yards of actual parenting rather taking the easy route of being a wet blanket and giving in all the time and creating a spoilt monster.

OP my DD is like your friend's DD. She's awaiting an autism assessment. She just doesn't stop. It's exhausting. I don't think it's my parenting as she's pretty consistent with me, my DP (not her dad) and my Mum. Between us we're pretty consistent with saying no, and eventually she gets it, but pestering and the occasional tantrum are part of the drama. You know your friend and her DD better than me but try to be sympathetic to how exhausting it is. Some kids 'get it' more quickly than others.

You should absolutely be respectful, but ultimately, at the parent you ARE the authority and children look to you for guidance.

Children need to get used to authority, they'll experience plenty of it in the school and workplace throughout their lives. There are consequences to flouting authority in the school (well, teachers try and implement them but often unsuccessfully due to snowflake parents complaining their little Jonny who can do no wrong has been given a detention) and workplace, there needs to be consequences at home too.

Sure, let's assault people who irritate us. What a way to live..........

YANBU OP.

I'm past that stage now, but I can totally relate. I found that going to places where there was very little available to buy worked best.

So park, beach or countryside for a walk basically.

The children went off and played away from the parents, and I chatted with my friends.

The less interaction between the children and parents, the better!

Perhaps don’t go on days out like that with her. Just go with your own family. Do stuff with the friend that isn’t problematic - at your house/park/whatever. I also wouldn’t judge. Some children are more difficult than others to parent.

@ConkersAndChestnuts where did I say anything about wives getting a slap?
(Which still happens, olden days or not)
What we might have , with proper discipline and boundaries, are less gangs of feral young thugs terrorising neighbourhoods with their behaviour. It just gets worse year on year with them.now carrying knives and stabbing each other.

Not wanting your child to do without and giving into their every demand are two VERY different things. I was brought up on second hand clothes and we never had "the latest things" but that didn't make me want to bring up brats. That's just a shit excuse for equally shit parenting. Whenever I've been out or on holiday with friends and their kids, which I have done many times, if I see them acting like brats I call them out on it and I welcomed my friends doing the same with mine. Guess what? They've all become well-adjusted, independent young adults of whom I'm incredibly proud.

I'd definitely just say "look, I've budgeted for this outing and can't justify any extras, so if you are going to let your DD loose in the shops/attractions etc., please can you do so out of earshot or eyesight of us, as MY dd is starting to turn into a demanding, spoiled eejit when she sees YOUR dd getting all the extras that she wants, and it's not fair on either of us"

See I would take a different tack completely! Stand firm in your 'nos' to your own child. You are right, and don't need to justify it with any discussion of your budget. No to unlimited extras because the day out is the treat. That's how it works in your family, and that's fine. Different families have different rules, if she wants to buy her child everything in sight (or is unable to say no to her kid) that's on them and has no bearing on you. We don't all parent the same, and I would just focus on managing your child's expectation.

"Shitting money???"

Classy

@1stRossie I think you may be confusing authoritative with authoritarian?
https://www.parentingforbrain.com/4-baumrind-parenting-styles/

Oh OP this brought back memories of a friend I had when dd was small. So annoying I used to get so irritated. The moaning and whining and begging for on my nerves. And I wasn't as well off . Well my friend seemed to never say no. I used to prep my dd and say I wasn't buying any extra things but yeh she used to end up buying something for my dd as well and I'd feel bad. I don't have any suggestions but I feel your pain

This. I opened your post expecting to say YABU, her child her rules. But I can quite see why it's irritating, and why it's made a minefield of going out together as two families. You could try agreeing ground rules in advance about boundaries re "extras" but if she couldn't agree you'd have to politely decline, and that would be tricky as however tactful you are, it would still look and feel like a comment on her parenting (which it would be). So the next best thing would seem to be going to places where there just aren't added extras to be bought.

I've never understood the whole ' had a deprived childhood, want to give them everything they want' trope, I think in a lot of cases people use it as an excuse to be lazy and indulgent and not do the hard work of putting boundaries in place. I had sweet fuck all as a child outside of the very basic food, clothes and one sensible present at Christmas - same as vast majority of my generation - and I don't feel any need to make up for things or indulge my own children. They are already extremely privileged compared to either my own childhood or that of the majority of children in the world, by virtue of being born jnto a loving financially stable home in a peaceful, safe and relatively prosperous country. I feel no need to go beyond that. So in the Alton Towers case, for example, going there and doing the rides and maybe lunch out IS the treat, there's no extra toys or crap or sugary drinks or any of that wasteful stuff that is also by the way an environmental disaster. I have no suggestions for you really but I would never again attempt an Alton Towers type day out. At least with soft play it's limited in terms of time and opportunities for indulgence.

My friend is the same. We don’t socialise any more with kids. Nightmare.

I’m likening the two and the fact that thankfully we don’t smack children anymore, in the same way we don’t smack ‘disobedient’ women. Thankfully, times have changed and we don’t use violence towards women and children to make ourselves feel Billy big bollocks.

Smacking isn’t discipline. It’s a lack of control. You clearly don’t know how to keep control if you can’t discipline a child without resorting to hitting it.

Smacking isn’t respectful.

I agree that children need to understand authority. I also agree that one of the major issues in schools is teachers not having enough of it and parents not supporting behaviour management policies.

None of that is solved with smacking and shouting and other forms of ruling by fear. There is a middle ground between the two and OP seems to have it right.

There comes a point where you part company with friends - sometimes temporarily - when you realise their parenting style differs from yours. You then find new friends where you didn't expect to.

Taking seven year olds to Alton Towers doesn't seem a sensible move. I didn't take mine until they were all tall enough to go on all the rides.

Adults going into soft play with their children is very short-sighted in my opinion. Although your own DC might want you there, would everyone else's children want to come across a strange adult in a dark tunnel or an enclosed space?

As for the Alton Towers spending situation, I think that sometimes unfortunately your parenting style can be so different to someone else's that playdates just don't work. I have a friend who is very similar and I just see her in term time. We get on so well but it just doesn't work with the children involved unless there is a big group of us. It's not a big deal, just how it is.

I usually give DS a budget for any extras - say £10 for a big day out. He can use it for machines that need money or the gift shop. Would it be worth suggesting to your friend that you both do something similar next time you go out? Might be easier than tackling her parenting!

I also budget for one bought snack for everyone (usually an ice cream). The DC know that's it and don't pester for more.

This ^ There needs to be more of this ^^

@Wenfy I would find it massively annoying to have gone to Alton Towers with someone who then refuses to let their child have any fun. If you can’t afford to give your DD the full experience that’s fair enough but to say no to her just for the sake of it is cruel.
I personally try to do as much with DC as possible. They’re only young once and when you do stuff with them it helps them to build memories they will treasure for a long time.

This. I agree about the nagging etc that's unacceptable. However, refusing everything is you being a bit tight OP. My mum & dad always said no to absolutely everything. Never played with us. If we went to the fair there was more chance of plaiting fog than getting a go on hook a duck, a stick of candy floss or anything which cost extra. So much so that they'd laugh if we asked.

Well done that mum for playing in the soft play! She sounds like a loving, caring & fun mother.