To find my friend’s parenting style intensely irritating

[Hormonehell1]

Lovely friend. Her DD plays with mine really well and I don’t mind having her (friends DD) at my house playing for the day.

My friend alone is also really lovely, we never run out of things to talk about and I admire her in many ways.

BUT… whenever we meet up as two families, her DD (7) nags her constantly wanting to be bought things sweets, toys, rides etc even if my friend caves in a couple of times, her DD will continuously nag her, strop, hit her, cry, winge and ruin days out through sheer negative vibes if she doesn’t get what she wants. My DD will observe her friend getting her own way and try it on with me but I say no and hold firm not wishing to open the nagging floodgates.

Recently, we went to Alton Towers and it had cost a lot to go there. When we arrived it wasn’t long before my friend’s DD was nagging her mum for toys, sweets, and asking repeatedly to go on the paid games where they can win teddies, despite the fact that we had been to the amazing swimming pool, had eaten in the cafe and had all the rides to go on.

My friend seemed irritated with me that I wouldn’t take my DD to the paid games and ended up caving and paying for my DD to go to them. I felt as though she thought I was being mean.

I just can’t spend another day with her being too soft on her DD and both kids waking around looking miserable because they’re trying to manipulate us in to getting what they want. Especially when these are expensive supposed to be special days out.

I think her DD is like this because she gives in eventually and is sometimes brought to tears by her DD who tells her she’s a “horrible mummy”.

I’m allergic to being manipulated and if DD says anything like that to me it makes me stand firmer in my NO.

I want to see her independently of her DD and I also want to facilitate my daughter’s relationship with her DD but I can’t bear their dynamic one more time!

Mine are older now, but I was like your friend when mine were that age, and I learnt the hard way.

I look back now and know I would have/ should have done things differently.

I also would have appreciated a friend having a kind word with me at the time.
I'm not saying I would have welcomed it at the time, but I definitely would have thanked that friend in the long term for pulling me up on it.

I have had a similar friendship and, like pp, my friend's parenting stemmed from an unhappy childhood so she felt the need for every outing to be THE BEST EVER so her DC always had all the treats, all the time (and expected them as well).

We also have very different parenting styles and she would not have taken any criticism from me well at all - tbh we ended up drifting apart.

Back in the olden days that child would have been threatened with a smacked bottom. If the behaviour continued then the smacked bottom would be delivered. The behaviour would then cease and everyone would get on with their day

I'll get my coat.....

I would find it massively annoying to have gone to Alton Towers with someone who then refuses to let their child have any fun.

Refuses to let their child have 'any fun'? What, by not buying them something at every single gift shop and sweet stand? The kids went to Alton Towers, were able to go on all the rides, went to the amazing pool, had a lunch in the cafe etc. That isn't 'refusing to let them have any fun'.

Surely you understand that it's normal, even at a theme park, for a child not to given every single thing they want, and that most children are well aware of that and totally accept it?

Thank god it’s not the ‘olden days’ any more. When wives would have also had a smack for not ‘behaving themselves’ too eh?

100% agree.

I ended up cutting off a friend whose child was similar and when I was around them, my DD would expect the same. I couldn’t be arsed anymore

No, you're quite reasonable and are just thinking what any level headed parent would think. Anyone that disagrees is probably bringing up an equally entitled brat!

You sound like a good, sensible mum.
She is bringing up a brat.

It's so much easier to hang out with other parents in a parenting context where you know you're going to be compatible.

For example I have friends who are really lax on safety and I wouldn't go and do activities with them involving risk because I know I'd be totally shitting myself the entire time and not be able to enjoy it. I will happily do other things with them which don't involve danger.

Or I have friends who are much stricter than me and I'd avoid going somewhere where I know that they would hold their DC to a much higher standard than mine - just stressful. I'd do activities with them which are more relaxed like avoiding mealtimes and going to the park.

If you know that your friend is very spendy then I'd avoid venues that are very commercial wanting to get your money, like theme parks. Go to a park, without a café. Meet at each others' houses. Or go somewhere where the costs are not incredible (like, an ice cream shop or small gift shop) and just expect to splash out a bit for a treat.

Well, thank God we've moved beyond big people threatening small people and then hitting them, right?

As to what you should do, I really don't know, it's tricky!

I would probably stop expensive days out with her and if she asks why, be honest and say you feel like they're becoming stressful due to her DD's demands. OR, before you agree/ book you say 'I'm up for this but I'm afraid I won't be giving DD extra treats all day, just so you know. If this is going to cause a problem for you and yuor DD, perhaps it's best we just meet at the park or you come over to mine for a cuppa and let them play?'

That's really interesting as that's where I faulted too when my kids were younger.

When I was a child my mum never bought us anything. She had a wardrobe full of clothes herself, four winter coats, endless pairs of shoes (she spent the child maintenance my dad gave her on herself), while we were only allowed a new coat as a birthday present (that would be our one and only gift) and would have to make do with hand-down second hand clothes from older cousins.

As a result I wanted to over make sure my children never went without, but sadly I went too much the other way and bought them everything they asked for and more.

It's only now that I look back and see where I went wrong, and I actually didn't help them in the long term.
It's only by chance that they have grown into happy, caring and thoughtful teenagers who appreciate everything (I'm a single parent now and can't spoil them like I used to even if I wanted to).

I can totally see where it came from though.

YANBU. Your friend seems very insecure - reduced to tears by a child telling her she is not a nice mummy? When mine were that age they would regularly pack bags to move in with a friend's mum who was "much nicer". She is the child's MOTHER not her friend.

I couldn't be doing with it either, her child is gonig to turn into a total nightmare as she hits the tween and teenage years.

I dont think anyone's saying she shouldn't treat her kid if that's what she wants to do and if you dont want to go to the same level OP you shouldn't feel forced to (I wouldn't either). Sounds like your DD is having plenty of fun.

The issue is that she's only doing it because the kid kicks off and behaves like a brat which ruins the day for everyone. That's unreasonable behaviour and giving into it is just lazy parenting.

Not when it's raising a generation of entitled little shits, no. It doesn't have to be smacking but discipline in some form is needed here and there seems to be SO LITTLE of that around nowadays.

Can you imagine any of these children having to fight in a war or join the forces?! They'd last 2 seconds.

We need to build manners and resilience back into our kids/ society.

I think you think your parenting is superior, but it isn't, it's just different.

Your friend at least avoids using horrible words like "manipulative" to talk about young dc's behaviour and acting like they are someone you are in conflict with.

Big days out are better as a family unit if you don't want to compromise with how other families do things.

You are NOT a judge Bitch she is annoying a 7 year old doesn't need a parent with them all the time. They need to be off exploring as a 7 year old we would be out on the street all day learning to self manage and sort ourselves a bit not constantly looked after like a toddler.

I also have a friend like this. Cannot walk past a toy or sweet shop without indulging her child. And I too worry that it isn't benefiting the child, who I feel quite sorry.

I've started to need to pop into the bank/chemist/bakers to avoid it.

When I wanted to spend time with my friends without their kids. I'd suggest a night or afternoon at the bingo. Worked a treat.

Adults accompanying children in the soft play always get in the way of the other kids though. Understandable when they're toddlers, not so much at seven!

I’d make a remark to the child directly. Stop asking your mummy for all this stuff! We’re here to have fun and it spoils everyone’s day when you have a tantrum. Sometimes they need to hear it 🤷‍♀️

Thats as may be but I'd love to hang out with you!

I'm not sure that attending to her dc while you don't makes her the bad parent!

Smacking and shouting at children doesn’t build manners or obedience - it creates fear.

Plenty of kids grow up to become service men and women, too. It’s not like these things disappeared after WW2.

I agree with you that discipline is a necessary part of parenting but I don’t agree with authoritarian parenting, which is what you and the PP are alluding to.

Some parents like to give their kids more treats. There’s nothing wrong with her wanting to let her child play with paid toys on a special treat day?