To find my friend’s parenting style intensely irritating

[Hormonehell1]

Lovely friend. Her DD plays with mine really well and I don’t mind having her (friends DD) at my house playing for the day.

My friend alone is also really lovely, we never run out of things to talk about and I admire her in many ways.

BUT… whenever we meet up as two families, her DD (7) nags her constantly wanting to be bought things sweets, toys, rides etc even if my friend caves in a couple of times, her DD will continuously nag her, strop, hit her, cry, winge and ruin days out through sheer negative vibes if she doesn’t get what she wants. My DD will observe her friend getting her own way and try it on with me but I say no and hold firm not wishing to open the nagging floodgates.

Recently, we went to Alton Towers and it had cost a lot to go there. When we arrived it wasn’t long before my friend’s DD was nagging her mum for toys, sweets, and asking repeatedly to go on the paid games where they can win teddies, despite the fact that we had been to the amazing swimming pool, had eaten in the cafe and had all the rides to go on.

My friend seemed irritated with me that I wouldn’t take my DD to the paid games and ended up caving and paying for my DD to go to them. I felt as though she thought I was being mean.

I just can’t spend another day with her being too soft on her DD and both kids waking around looking miserable because they’re trying to manipulate us in to getting what they want. Especially when these are expensive supposed to be special days out.

I think her DD is like this because she gives in eventually and is sometimes brought to tears by her DD who tells her she’s a “horrible mummy”.

I’m allergic to being manipulated and if DD says anything like that to me it makes me stand firmer in my NO.

I want to see her independently of her DD and I also want to facilitate my daughter’s relationship with her DD but I can’t bear their dynamic one more time!

Completely agree with you. DH and I have 3 super spoilt GC and they behave exactly like that with their parents . . . but not with us as when we say no, it stays no.
Keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll have a beautifully behaved, appreciative and pleasant child.

😂 loved this! We should be friends.

I dont think you can address it with your friend, just fade out the days out with her.

Some people (like us) think we have paid plenty to use the facilities and others think it's a day to say yes to everything kids ask for. It's just different views and not going to work to give everyone a good day. X

Argghhh, parents who can't say NO to their young children are the worst. They do not grow up to be nice humans!

FFS - are you just winding her up?? Lighting the blue touch paper and standing back?

Yes this!!

Yes… it’s the giving in to the tantrum, not the money. The friend eventually gives in at some stage so the child has learnt to keep going with the nagging. I wouldn’t want my child learning this either tbh.
I don’t know how effective it would be to point this out to the friend so instead I would have a chat with my own child so they are aware of the expectations for the day eg I will buy you a cookie at the cafe but I will not be giving you money for the arcade etc. I would also chat to my child about the behaviour of their friend, maybe gently draw it out so that my child comes to express it themselves that they find the nagging and whinging annoying etc and hopefully when the friend starts up the next tantrum they aren’t tempted to misbehave in the same fashion but actually treat the situation with the contempt it deserves or maybe even say something to their friend to cajole them along or whatever

I have a young family member who behaves a bit like this and find it hard to deal with as do his parents.
He had a hard start in life which means he has been overindulged. An absolute delight most of the time...
Children don't come with manuals unfortunately, some are more difficult than others and we aren't all confident with discipline.

I agree... it's that she doesn't stick to her boundaries. Her boundary might be half the gift shop, but at least if she stuck to it her child would know not to nag for the other half as well 😂.

Ah OP, once I got the gist of your post from a skim read I had read enough. The child sounded annoying to me just reading. It’s bad enough listening to one’s own child whining, let alone someone else’s. I’d try to arrange a catch up with your friend without kids tbh if possible. But this child is only going to get worse and it’ll be a car at 17.

I'd try a different tack - I'd take her aside ahead of your next outing and explain that you are trying to teach little hormonehell1 the value of money - especially on expensive days out. While you aren't adverse to a treat - can you all agree what it's going to be in advance -maybe 1 ice cream - and then you can both stick to plan together. Tell her that you hoped you could chat to the girls together before so they know the expectations.. it might help making it about you rather than her..

OP, I'm with you. Your friend is reinforcing her child's demanding and spoilt behavior. I think your friend is likely to become defensive if you try to talk to her. All you can do is be ready with some observations and advice if she ever opens up to you about it. I have found that parents like this become very used to their children's behavior and often lack awareness that it doesn't have to be so.

I have found the best approach is to talk to my kids and get on the same page as them. My kids are totally on board and agree that saying no sometimes is good for them. That way, they aren't too influenced when other kids are being spoilt or demanding.

I generally try not to hang out with friends and their annoyingly behaved kids as I don't find it enjoyable. My kids don't enjoy it either.

All that said, I think this friend going into the soft play is a good thing. She's having fun with her kid. I'd be supportive of that, just not the whining and demanding behavior.

But on the other hand, why take your young child for a “nice” day out if you’re just going to say No to everything that they ask for on the day out ie. Things that would make it a “nice” day out from the child’s point of view - souvenirs, sweets, games, all part of the day out no? I don’t take my kids places just to then refuse them the chance to spend it how they want to, it’s their day out! Buy them an ice cream and play hook a duck ffs. You can say no for free at home.

I tell my DC what they are allowed in advance of the trip and tell friends as well for exactly this reason. Something like "I've told DC they can have an ice-cream today but no toys by the way". When you're out with one other family it's always a bit awkward if kids aren't allowed the same treats. Nip it in the bud early and have the conversation as soon as you meet up.

Your friend wants an easy life but isn't doing herself or her dd any favours. Difficult situation. Doesn't matter if she thinks you're mean. She should accept your parenting role. Somehow you're goingvto either discuss it in a sort if we've got different styles but one isn't better than the other way but try to come to come to some sort of agreement or stop seeing her with your and her dd.

Personally also cannot bear the disrespect of the whining. Once an adult in charge has said no that’s it move on. Mine didn’t whinge and whine because I wouldn’t countenance it and it just never worked.

Unfortunately, some women who were nice company before, become life-energy sucking drain when combined with their children. Your closest friend is now Brunhilda Fonteroy's mum. No, she can't come out for brunch&wine in the sun - she's making cornflake nests with Brunhilda 😐
They could both come but that's like trying to enjoy the company of a monkey with a grenade.

I'd honestly rather just go to the playpark with my DS - at least I can read a book on the sidelines rather than having to listen to friend's child have their 7th tantrum whilst only managing to exchange a few (interrupted) sentences with said friend. It leaves me feeling stressed and empty.

Parenting seemed to have better balance when I was a child. I still remember my mum closing the doors to the kitchen if she had friends round for coffee.
I also recall the ubiquitous "either in or out, decide!". All adults wanted to hear "out". 😁 Out we went and weren't seen for dust until someone came calling. Can't have a tantrum when there's no adult to tantrum at 😂

No you are far from being 'judgy', although judgment is patently needed here since it's so lacking in your friend. Allowing her daughter to behave in this way is actually abusive because she is training the child to be a selfish, tyrannical bully. It is harmful to a child's character when she or he is trained to disrespect others, particularly parents. Maybe it's time for a gentle chat about boundaries, respect and care for a child's personal moral development. And BTW, I would be investigating whether the child is bullying your own daughter. Do you supervise their play? Wishing you the best.

Totally agree!! Any emotional manipulation attempts and that's game over. No way.

I think you just have to distance yourself from this 'friend' ... I had completely different parenting style to my very close friend from school .. we just cut down on spending time together for a few years .. no big discussion or fall out .. but have reconnected now all the DC are grown up and one of her DC is still a brat and causing her problems but I just say nothing.

Seems such a coincidence that the now teens of the parents who were firm and didn’t countenance whining and were not indulgent are pleasant company hard working and thriving at school and socially. The indulged as children group are not and treat their parents like shit. Dd1 and her friend were horrified recently by how one of their peers spoke to her father when he kindly gave them all a lift.

Except it didn't always work as simply as that.
Either the child decided the smack was a small price to pay and continued to do it (my sister) or the smack was a way too powerful message that the parent didn't understand a sensitive child who was desperate for affection and would have done anything to please the parent. They ended up as a people pleaser which led to several breakdowns.
Physical abuse is never the answer.

I agree. OP is going to have to look into the likely future of her DD's relationship with the friend's child. If the child is as spoilt, entitled and arrogant as she describes at only seven, she is going to be a troublesome peer for her DD when both girls reaches their teens.

Personally I'd just deal with each situation as it arises, making the decisions i felt were right for my own child without feeling the need for discussion in front of the friends. I would prime DD ahead of time, explaining what she would be allowed and that different families had different rules so not to expect to do what friend did.
So the Alton Towers thing would be 'If you and DD want to play the pay for games, we'll have another ride on whatever and meet you later.'
'No DD, you're not having an ice cream. It's up to friends mum to decide for her and for me to decide for you. We will go and do X thing while friend has her ice cream'
My DC were luckily fine with this. But if it causes too much upset for DD you may need to stop the activities for a while until she's old enough to understand and accept.

Oh my actual God.
What you said was disgusting. And most of us are hoping our kids never have to go through a war and you think a day out will mean they can’t what… kill people?
I went through two in my childhood. There’s something seriously wrong with salivating hoping people go through trauma in order to conform with your disciplining standards.

@Thementalloadisreal

alton towers itself is very expensive and a nice day out itself is is not no? Kids don’t need sweets and souvenirs on top for a day to be nice for them, it’s unnecessary