To find my friend’s parenting style intensely irritating

[Hormonehell1]

Lovely friend. Her DD plays with mine really well and I don’t mind having her (friends DD) at my house playing for the day.

My friend alone is also really lovely, we never run out of things to talk about and I admire her in many ways.

BUT… whenever we meet up as two families, her DD (7) nags her constantly wanting to be bought things sweets, toys, rides etc even if my friend caves in a couple of times, her DD will continuously nag her, strop, hit her, cry, winge and ruin days out through sheer negative vibes if she doesn’t get what she wants. My DD will observe her friend getting her own way and try it on with me but I say no and hold firm not wishing to open the nagging floodgates.

Recently, we went to Alton Towers and it had cost a lot to go there. When we arrived it wasn’t long before my friend’s DD was nagging her mum for toys, sweets, and asking repeatedly to go on the paid games where they can win teddies, despite the fact that we had been to the amazing swimming pool, had eaten in the cafe and had all the rides to go on.

My friend seemed irritated with me that I wouldn’t take my DD to the paid games and ended up caving and paying for my DD to go to them. I felt as though she thought I was being mean.

I just can’t spend another day with her being too soft on her DD and both kids waking around looking miserable because they’re trying to manipulate us in to getting what they want. Especially when these are expensive supposed to be special days out.

I think her DD is like this because she gives in eventually and is sometimes brought to tears by her DD who tells her she’s a “horrible mummy”.

I’m allergic to being manipulated and if DD says anything like that to me it makes me stand firmer in my NO.

I want to see her independently of her DD and I also want to facilitate my daughter’s relationship with her DD but I can’t bear their dynamic one more time!

I think YANBU (although I don't agree on the soft play thing- I pay for the enjoyment of the thing itself as the cafe side of things is usually mediocre at best and I begrudge lumping extra money out on crap coffee just because we're there!).

Lots of great tactics here but if it were me I'd simply be selective about the sorts of places we'd go with them. Soft play a great example actually- you've already paid to get in and I always say to mine they can have a cake and a fruit shoot treat half way through the session so that we'll all get a break. Anything outside of that is a no, and there's not a great deal else on offer at most of these places anyway. I'd avoid going to anything that's going to be temptation central with them, I just couldn't be arsed with all the hassle of either saying something or trying to ignore it

That’s a tough situation to navigate. I’m with you on parenting style and she is making a rod for her own back. Boundaries are healthy. If you value the friendship you will have to avoid those types of meet ups. Perhaps have them over to yours or to a park where there are limited extra purchase scenarios .

Well, I hope you're always an exemplary parent and if you're not, I hope someone else judges the fuck out of you

Maybe it's tolerable/kind of understandable at 3 years old - but 7??? Her daughter is going to turn into a right spoiled little madam.

I'd make sure to explain clearly to your child in front of them so they hear it too - we've paid for this day and there won't be any extras - more for their benefit than your child's who sounds more mature than the 2 of them put together!!

It's a hard one as yes she would likely get defensive but maybe just need to phase out days out until things change.

@Wenfy you don't need to quote the whole original OP. We've all read it.

Have had very similar experiences with a couple of different Mum friends over the years. A couple I just stopped doing days out with as I hated the misery it brought my two saying no whilst their friends were given a second ice cream followed by a slushy and loads of money for extra paid rides etc. I couldn’t afford it, didn’t like the demand/get dynamic plus all the excess trashy food.

One friend I did manage to keep and see without her dd in the evening sometimes as her dd went off to private school which worked well! She freely talked about how she probably indulged her dd too much but after 15 years of ivf she wanted to give her everything.

I also think I’ve been ‘dropped’ in the past because I am the parent who is stricter than some others (e.g. telling kids not to swing on sculptures in an exhibition at an rhs garden, for example) and that’s fine too, I wasn’t ok with allowing that kind of behaviour so that was the end of the road…try to find people with similar parenting styles, I’m good now mine are a bit older and have found some reliably compatible friends!!!

It’s cruel to the kid too. Unless they are smart and work out how to behave themselves they become vile teens and other teens won’t be friends with them. Several acquaintances who parented like this are tearing hair out as their teens are socially isolated. Other teens don’t like tantrum throwing Verruca salt types and vote with their feet…

No, I don’t think you are judgey at all. Sounds like your friend is raising a self centred and nasty child, who isn’t being taught the value of money, or that you can’t always have everything you want. Well on the way to creating a horrible control freak of an adult if something doesn’t change.

That’s irritating. But you don’t have to follow suit. I wouldn’t have allowed your DC to join in with the paid stuff. It’s sets the wrong expectations for next time.

Don’t do this @Hormonehell1.

It is not up to you, or anyone else (apart from the child’s parents), to discipline someone else’s child, especially in front of them! It’s a sure fire way to cause bitterness and probably end your friendship.

Oh man, that's a tough one. I was all ready to vote YABU for criticising other people's parenting, but I hate when my kids nag me, and have always had a zero tolerance policy on it. They know that if I've said no, repeated requests will not go anywhere. It's so much easier when you are hanging out with someone with the same parenting style, so that you can form a bit of a united front. I would probably speak to my kids in advance, warning them that nagging won't work on me, and reiterating that different families have different rules. Not sure that there's much else you can do!

I think the soft play thing is annoying! I love playing with my children, I spend about 75% of life making up dance routines, helping them with monkey bars, listening to their “performances”. But if we’ve gone to soft play with her friend, then she’s there to play with her friend. She shouldn’t need me to dive in. She needs to know that mummy is chatting and she can go and play with her friend.

As for the extra paid things, yep I agree with you. It’s annoying. It’s not cruel to deny them literally whatever they want. Winning some game and getting a teddy really isn’t the point of Alton towers and actually giving into their every demand means you risk them not appreciating what that do have and what they are doing. Which actually I think is quite unfair to the child.

My answer would be to not do big days out and maybe just stick to house and park based play dates. Or just see the mum. It doesn’t sound like the girls are that good mates anyway if she’s constantly talking to her mum and and asking for stuff and wants her mum in soft play! When my dc are with their best friends they generally spend the whole time laughing and shrieking and having fun and attempting to avoid all conversation with us!

Could you not just see them at home? It seems like most of these problems are related to being out somewhere where they could be bought things.

Totally with you, can understand why you're miffed that this spoilt a nice day out for you and your daughter. Parents who give in to nagging like this just make life difficult for themselves, my kids know that nagging will get them nowhere - so they don't do it.

I use to think I hated other people kids, I realised I don't I hate other peoples PARENTING.

Me and my friends all have kids but we don't ever get together as 'mams' we get together as grown up friends to have drink etc... The kids start to join in the group around 16 years old.

I also don't make friends with my kids parents (I am polite but they are acquaintances) because thats DC friend not mine and I don't want us falling out over different parenting views etc...

• kids friends parents

LOL, no. He's an example of how believing you're the centre of the universe is quite good for the old confidence.

I would say to your friend that you and dd will meet them again in 30 minutes or so whilst the spoilt dc gets her extra treats.
The parent then has two choices, not to give in or accept that you are not going to have your dd around that sort of behaviour.

I remember standing at a zebra crossing with a friend and our 2 dc each aged 4. My ds held my hand but df’s dd refused to hold her mums hand to cross.
It seemed like an age whilst worried drivers sat and watched us too afraid to traverse the crossing and my df had a conversation about road safety and persuaded dc to hold mummy’s hand.
l would have scooped the dc up and given her the talk once over.
Indulgent parenting at its finest.

@theleafandnotthetree well said.

Surely going to AT, including all the rides and swimming pool is fun enough?! We wouldn’t have paid for the extra games, never have.

Entrance fees should include ALL entertainment. Hate it when some things are extra, just ramps up the pestering and is a clever selling tool.

So true.

It's overstepping the mark for your friend to buy things for your daughter when you have refused.

I would keep the focus on your daughter and say that you do not buy things in shops or spend money in arcades when out and you would not want her to do this for your daughter either in your presence and after you have refused. Then you can simply explain to your daughter that different families have different rules and friend getting to play on something or buy something doesn't mean that she will. You'll need that anyway because some other kid will always have something she wants but can't have.

I don't think it's wise to comment on your friends parenting but you can ask her to respect yours. Perhaps she will observe that your daughter does not constantly nag you for things and learn by example in time.

I’ve name changed for this - I have a friend like yours, with a DC who my DS really likes, and I find their dynamic infuriating. It’s not so much that her DC asks to be bought things, it’s that he is so spoilt and attention-seeking! He absolutely won’t ever let his mum and me sit chatting - he has to climb on her and demand to be entertained, even though DS is there to play with him. He complains about being bored and talks over us and asks to have his tablet and dances around or sings for our ‘entertainment’ and when she doesn’t respond quickly or enthusiastically enough, kicks and pushes her. All forgivable in a 2 year old but this is an 8 year old! He really needs a much firmer hand and it sounds like your friend’s DD does too.

Honestly DS is by no means an angel but he’s capable of running off to play with a friend on a play date.

8 years old!!!

Feel your pain polar. Dh has a child in his family who demands full on focussed adult attention from at least one adult at all times. He is 8. Even my teens find him bloody annoying. We left early the last time we saw them in laws live 5 hours away and we barely got to interact with Dh brother or mil due to this demanding child. Never seen anything like it. Ours were told to “go and play” after a while at that age but this didn’t seem to be an option. Just so indulged.