To find my friend’s parenting style intensely irritating

[Hormonehell1]

Lovely friend. Her DD plays with mine really well and I don’t mind having her (friends DD) at my house playing for the day.

My friend alone is also really lovely, we never run out of things to talk about and I admire her in many ways.

BUT… whenever we meet up as two families, her DD (7) nags her constantly wanting to be bought things sweets, toys, rides etc even if my friend caves in a couple of times, her DD will continuously nag her, strop, hit her, cry, winge and ruin days out through sheer negative vibes if she doesn’t get what she wants. My DD will observe her friend getting her own way and try it on with me but I say no and hold firm not wishing to open the nagging floodgates.

Recently, we went to Alton Towers and it had cost a lot to go there. When we arrived it wasn’t long before my friend’s DD was nagging her mum for toys, sweets, and asking repeatedly to go on the paid games where they can win teddies, despite the fact that we had been to the amazing swimming pool, had eaten in the cafe and had all the rides to go on.

My friend seemed irritated with me that I wouldn’t take my DD to the paid games and ended up caving and paying for my DD to go to them. I felt as though she thought I was being mean.

I just can’t spend another day with her being too soft on her DD and both kids waking around looking miserable because they’re trying to manipulate us in to getting what they want. Especially when these are expensive supposed to be special days out.

I think her DD is like this because she gives in eventually and is sometimes brought to tears by her DD who tells her she’s a “horrible mummy”.

I’m allergic to being manipulated and if DD says anything like that to me it makes me stand firmer in my NO.

I want to see her independently of her DD and I also want to facilitate my daughter’s relationship with her DD but I can’t bear their dynamic one more time!

Newsflash : Children are absolutely capable of being manipulative and it is the naive adult who denies it. They know who to manipulate and what buttons to press. There is a massive amount of junk aimed at children at themeparks and the average mall. Responsible parenting is placing a limit on buying this junk and teaching little ones the virtues of restraint, pointing out the crap that ends in the landfills and maybe using that money on something for someone else or something more healthy. Children generally follow the lead of adults they trust and love. A child who hits and screams the parent for a toy is already one who is badly parented.

The behaviour would not 'cease' ffs! Assaulting a child does not work - proven fact. Just frightens the child and scars them for life! I should know....

@1stRossie Hmmm I think this says more about you than anyone else

Maybe, but I won't be bringing up an entitled brat under the guise of being 'kind' or 'gentle parenting.' She gets lots of treats and days out, more toys than she knows what to do with and is loved beyond any words I could ever type out on here. But she is also a polite little girl who understands that the word No has to be used sometimes and doesn't throw a strop or keep pestering when it is. So I'll carry on, thanks.

Obviously don't use those words but welcome to an adult forum 🙄

OP I think you are doing your best, organising lovely days out and I don't blame for feeling its ruined by the ongoing demands and giving in for extras.
You are not spoiling your child's fun and its wearing when you've already spent as much as you are able on something to have the costs pushed up by whining.

We had an element of this and on one particular holiday, I tried to nip it in the bud by giving the DC a budget upfront. Their own money so they had to choose carefully. ie not spend it all on rubbish when what they really wanted was a particular toy. ( and this was a place where there were lots of extras and I knew it was part of the trip really. It worked. Except for the bit when the youngest kept tossing a £2 coin in the air as so excited and it went straight down a drain. He bawled his eyes out.

Yes I get that this would be annoying and no you aren't being judgy.
You can manage your own child expectations ( for example saying "this is your £5 spending money for extras, when it's gone/it's gone." and if she starts down the "But Millie is allowed" route, you say that "Well Millie and her mum have their set of rules where her mummy decides and we have ours where I decide").
But even if it was having no effect on your DD, having to listen to someone else's kid nag, be disrespectful and hit, would get on anyone's nerves and take the shine off the pleasant day out.
Would picking days out where there weren't any "extras" to be had help?

Stands up to clap.

No to hitting kids and yes to parents who know the difference between authoritarian and authoritative. My strategy is to have the conversation with the child before we enter such places. Eg, you are allowed to buy only one small souvenir at the gift shop but if you forego that, we can spend the equivalent on say art supplies, or save it for something you really want.

The bit that jumps out at me here is:

"same as vast majority of my generation"

So you are not really getting the deprived childhood bit. The drive to make up for a lack of most commonly occurs when people are not the same as others. When everyone else has stuff, but they are the child that does not have things. Whether it be food, toys or whatever.

It is not great growing up poor, it is even worse growing up poor surrounded with people who have all the nice food, great toys etc. That us what makes children understand that they are lacking.

I understand this completely. I was that child and I experience a strong urge to give my dc everything as I never want them to experience that left out, less than feeling. I have to work very hard not to just buy everything I am asked for.

Can you imagine any of these children having to fight in a war or join the forces?! They'd last 2 seconds.

My husband was raised by the most permissive ridiculous mum, spoilt doesn't even come close to it. He's a decorated and experienced soldier with many, many tours under his belt so your theory doesn't hold much water there.

I always message a few days before we go anywhere saying that I will be taking a packed lunch. What the other parents do with that is up to them, most send back a grateful response saying they will do the same. As for the other stuff my dc know it's one treat per big trip, like Alton Towers any more than that and they pay for it themselves. Maybe you could say you are trying to help your DC with money management skills so she has £5, for example, and when it's gone it's gone. Your DC may feel she is missing out not going on those win a teddy things but will quickly realise that with £5 an ice cream is guaranteed a teddy is not!

hmmm it’s tricky. If as you say you’re good friends perhaps try to have a discussion about it away from kids over a glass of wine. It sounds like she’s set herself up for a escalating nightmare I’m sure she doesn’t really want. maybe turn it around and start something along the lines that kids make constant demands and you worry that agreeing will fuel it but sometimes you wonder if you’re being mean for not giving your DD stuff and you’ve noticed she gives her DD more what does she think? This way you’re asking for her input on your style rather than other way around.

I think her DD is like this because she gives in eventually and is sometimes brought to tears by her DD who tells her she’s a “horrible mummy”.

I suspect it's the giving in to whining that not helping but it could also just be a phase.

Easiest thing is to avoid such meet ups - but other option is to pick venues that limit buying opportunities - local parks with no amenities - libraries or some museums and then head off shop bit.

I used to get annoyed with IL and sometimes DH as they'd almost deliberately walk the kids past things they'd want and had no intention of paying for as kids didn't get window shopping/being curious at the time - now they do - I learnt to set expatiation for the kids and how to head of some of these situations with the adults - ie walking away just saying no or taking kids elsewhere and sometimes to their disgust I'd let the the do something as it seemed cruel to walk past so many fun things - though I'd not give in to whining.

So theme park I'd have set limits to any additional shopping - end of day or something or one item or let them spend their birthday money - but I would have expected some additional buys as they do push such things but I'd have managed kids expectations with it rather than all no or giving in for everything and heavily used distraction techniques.

But the 'friend' is 'judging' the OP by take her daughter into the paid games despite the OP saying No, It doesn't indicate the ages of the children but if they're pre-school I would think that the OP's child will have an easier time settling rather then the whiner who is used to getting what she wants by poor behaviour.

My friend’s DD is like this too. It’s not the being bought stuff that’s irritating - fair enough, it’s their money and my DC are old enough to understand that just because someone else is being given a toy/treat they should get one too - it’s the whining and moaning being rewarded. If the kid wants something, fine, but at least teach her to ask politely, not whinge and whine until her mum invariably caves in.

She's creating a monster and to be honest I wouldn't want your DD regularly witnessing that behaviour as normal.

Yeah, this would land you directly on my shit list. I find that really confrontational and aggressive and completely overstepping your boundaries. If you’ve got a problem speak to me not my dc.

what’s your irritation OP? Is it that you feel it influences your child or more just generally at odds with your whole parenting ethos? If it’s the first, don’t worry about it, carry on parenting how you do anyway. It won’t just be your friends child your dc observes behaving like that. If it’s the second and you’d like to continue the friendship I think you have to implement some of the suggestions already made and either only go places with no ‘extras’ or meet up without the kids/only have the girl over for play dates without her mum there.

I agree that it's the whinging and moaning that makes it worse. My friends kid gets told very strictly 'no. There will be no xyz, and don't you dare complain or we're going straight home!' Cue whinging, moaning, tantrums, mum getting very stressed and harrassed until finally she gives in, and gets the kid what she wants.

I think if you know that you are going to give in, just say yes the first time! If you can't hold firm to a no, avoid the moaning etc and just say yes at the start! It makes days out a real ordeal.

She's raising a kid who is already a spoilt brat. She'll end up regretting that.

He's possibly a good example of how the Forces can overcome poor childhood experiences! I recall how once at the end of the teaching day there was suddenly a tall, straight-backed young soldier at the door 'Hello Miss', it was one of the biggest reprobates I'd ever taught!

Kids do realise when other kids are being brats though, it's not a contagion. We were out with a friend the other day and her kid just would not listen: climbing all over the place, getting too close to the road, shouting as his mum, he was being really difficult. My DS told me 'I'm glad I'm not like that', and I agreed with him!

I'm shocked to hear a 7 year old is still hitting and throwing tantrums! That's toddler behaviour?!
Yanbu, just try to spend time one on one as adults. I couldn't put up with that nonsense (and no I wouldn't smack my kid either).

I had a friend like this and we had to stop seeing her and her son, which was a pity because she is genuinely lovely. But (due to her own early life) she never wants her son to hear "no" or feel that he is not the most important person in the room. She would see no reason not to stay in the car park of a theme park etc watching her son poke a stick at a stone in the ground if that is what he wanted to do and, like your friend, was unhappy if we said "eh, we'll see you inside later then..." I just found it so tedious that I couldn't spend time with them.

Change where you socialise. Either stick to play dates at each other's houses or at the woods or somewhere you can't spend money.

It’s not about the money though. Not always. Nobody wants to be around a child who is never told no, and who behaves like Verucca Salt with a constant I want I want I want. Because the parent is too useless to set boundaries- you can have either an ice cream or a shot on the arcades, not both. Your choice.

really worrying that so many people equate Ben g a good parent with buying them endless stuff.