To want to know about DH's savings before marriage?

[Jinnywix]

As the title says really. We have been married 2 years and have just welcomed our first baby and also just bought our first house together (it's been intense!). My question arises after thinking a new kitchen would be too expensive (£10k altogether) but DH went ahead and did to which I felt really happy but also a bit guilty thinking it was too expensive. And then DH wanted to sort out the driveway and front and back garden for which we received a quote of £30k. We both thought it was expensive and I said I didn't think it made economical sense as I really thought it would be totally diminishing all the savings. The following evening DH came home from work and said the builders would start on the driveway the following day. I was really worried as I thought we couldn't possibly afford it. DH says we could afford it and I said that I thought we had a budget of £50k for renovations etc. He said we do but he's happy to dip into his savings. I thought the deposit for the house plus renovations was X but turns out DH had another £200k saved. AIBU to want to have known about it? I've been really stressed with how much we've been spending on renovating plus the fact that I'm on mat leave with SMP and trying to figure out how to organise things about going back to work. I said to DH I would like to know the full picture with all the savings he has. AIBU?

Also, I don't know if this is useful, my take home was £2k before going on mat leave, DH's take home is £7k.. I think because I'm used to seeing my income as just £2k rather than a combined amount I feel like some things are wildly expensive eg. the kitchen whereas DH has maybe a different perspective to me

I'd be concerned he's agreeing to works you've said no to, or at least queried, tbh. You're a team. Why is he dismissing you? Money is power. Yes, he should tell you. Not down to the penny, but an extra 200,000 of family money? Yes, he should.

Come on OP, read the room. Your DH has an extra £200k, you have a combined monthly income of £9k. I'm not sure you'll find much sympathy on here.

Talk to each other openly and honestly about money, future financial plans etc

We have a list of all the things we'd like done to the house, of which the driveway was one. And the only reason I objected to it was because of cost. If I thought we could have afforded it, I'd have said yes too. So I generally feel like we're a team. But lately on mat leave I'm feeling like I've really lost my independence eg. I liked some bedsheets which cost £90 in total (I know it's a lot! But I just thought it's our brand new bedroom and it might be nice) and DH made a comment about it being too expensive and in the end we got something cheaper. And I just feel like had I been making my own money I would've just bought it without really thinking. But maybe I am being reckless, I don't know..

You’re married? Do you not now share finances? Income is joint as his savings?

I don't feel like my/our income is £9k, I definitely operate like I'm on £2k.

I understand there's a cost of living crisis etc. Believe me £200k sounds insane to me too. It takes me roughly 5 years to save £10k. I spent all my savings on our wedding. I'm just asking about what is the done thing with couples and savings before marriage.

Yes, we're married. DH starts a new job next month and said we can have a joint account into which everything will go into. I didn't know couples saw savings as joined too. I spent all my savings on the wedding really and have started saving from scratch again so I haven't got anything to share with him savinsg-wise.

Anyway, I feel like I have an answer with most people saying I am not being unreasonable. DH said he is trying to reconcile with the fact that I should have access to something he's spent his whole life saving but would like to be OK with it. I felt bad about that and hence made the thread.

It’s interesting that dh didn’t think to use some of the 200k to purchase a house that didn’t need any work done to it tbh. Especially with a new baby, I’d definitely have preferred a no renovations purchase.

How much did your dh put towards the wedding compared to you op?

I disagree. Imbalances in money can provide really difficult power dynamics. Combined with the lack of transparency op isn't an equal partner at all.

This is going to sound a bit complicated but here we go. Last year we found this house but DH was unemployed at the time and we could only get a mortgage on my salary (which meant I could borrow very little). And we're in greater London which meant we really were looking at the cheapest of houses possible.

why did he let you do that?
Do you at least both jointly own the house?

OP - if I had married a man who suddenly divulged that he had an extra £200k of secret savings - I’d be raging!

how can you be in a marriage, raising a child together, buying and renovating a house together and not have full clarity on your shared financial position?

there is no way I could be in this situation. My DH and I began fully sharing finances, savings, salaries, the whole lot from the moment we started planning our wedding - as that was the first major joint expense we had tackled.

since then, houses, babies, maternities - has all been considered as joint decisions and shared financial responsibility.

i’m always astonished at the number of couples who seem to treat their finances as separate individual entities when they have kids and houses together etc.

get him to give you the full picture on the finances asap and he should be sharing his salary with you as his wife who is now raising his child.

Full disclosure of debts and assets is necessary and normal before marriage. If he knew you were wiping out your life savings on the wedding whilst he kept quiet about 200k he apparently retains superior decision making rights to....well that would be extremely unpleasant in my book. A big controlling red flag.

@Jinnywix - is some of the £200k funding your maternity leave?

It's not ok because he is making decisions who the full picture and keeping you in the dark.

He is daddying you. You have to ask daddy whether you as a couple can pay for things.

He doesn't because he has the full details and decisions making authority about dipping into money you aren't sighted on.

2k, 200k, 200k....as long as daddy paying he can keep it secret, is that your thinking?

Well, it was mostly my dad and me paying for it. There are cultural dynamics here at play before anyone says anything about DH. In this culture the girl's family usually pay for the wedding and my dad was absolutely insistent that everything is done in a cultural way (DH is English and didn't get a say in any of it. Tbh I didn't get much of a say either. My dad can be extremely difficult).

And he didn't offer much of his 200k savings to use as a deposit so you coukd get a better house? This sounds very suspicious OP.

Ok fair enough.

I assume she is asking whether he is helping to fund the care of his baby or leaving the OP to take the full hit

But if you had put 150k, say, of his savings into the deposit you could have had a completely different house or be in a completely different position!

I think there's lots of things to tease out here - like 30k for the drive, was that the only quote you got? Because to go from 'that's expensive, I agree with you' to 'I booked the builders' is...weird.

How is your mat leave being funded?

I mean, in principle there's nothing wrong with people holding on to what they had before the marriage, but I think that's a huge sum and very odd to drop into the convo once you've bought a house! You need a full and frank discussion about money and how you see things working in future.

Agreed. I don't know why he kept it quiet while you were having to look at such low budget properties?