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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know about DH's savings before marriage?

219 replies

Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 20:08

As the title says really. We have been married 2 years and have just welcomed our first baby and also just bought our first house together (it's been intense!). My question arises after thinking a new kitchen would be too expensive (£10k altogether) but DH went ahead and did to which I felt really happy but also a bit guilty thinking it was too expensive. And then DH wanted to sort out the driveway and front and back garden for which we received a quote of £30k. We both thought it was expensive and I said I didn't think it made economical sense as I really thought it would be totally diminishing all the savings. The following evening DH came home from work and said the builders would start on the driveway the following day. I was really worried as I thought we couldn't possibly afford it. DH says we could afford it and I said that I thought we had a budget of £50k for renovations etc. He said we do but he's happy to dip into his savings. I thought the deposit for the house plus renovations was X but turns out DH had another £200k saved. AIBU to want to have known about it? I've been really stressed with how much we've been spending on renovating plus the fact that I'm on mat leave with SMP and trying to figure out how to organise things about going back to work. I said to DH I would like to know the full picture with all the savings he has. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 22:46

OhComeOnFFS · 22/08/2023 22:45

Hang on, so did he originally have nearly half a million in savings? You obviously knew he had a lot of money because of the deposit he paid. Did he imply there wasn't much left?

And if he's not investing the money, surely he's not just keeping it in an ordinary account?

Yes I got the impression thats all there was. I think in one of my posts I say I was aware of 3 'pots' and this was a fourth.

Yes, he saves them in normal accounts. He is looking into stocks and shares though following a few chats with my brother and dad.

OP posts:
Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 22/08/2023 22:48

Why have you not put him on the deed? That would be such a red flag if you were a man.

Original poster
Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 22:49

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 22/08/2023 22:48

Why have you not put him on the deed? That would be such a red flag if you were a man.

I'm sorry to say I've just been naive. I had never looked into buying a house on the account that I was so far off it and it just depressed me looking at house buying processes.

Then I met DH just before the pandemic and things moved very fast and I just thought this was the most straightforward way.

OP posts:
RoyKentsTieDyeTop · 22/08/2023 22:51

(I’m weirdly invested in this and should go to bed)

Crazy mortgage mayhem aside; he has some very strange financial priorities.

Dropping £30k on a driveway/garden (especially to a company that can start the next day…) and 10k on a kitchen on a house he doesn’t actually own. And then not allowing you to spend £90 on bed sheets but ostensibly giving you free rein on a credit card. It doesn’t match up. And I still can’t get my head round him being happy for you to spend your entire savings on a wedding.

Original poster
Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 22:51

Anyway, can we please go back to my original question. The advice I have been given so far:

  • sit and chat about having a joint account
  • ask to see evidence of all savings
  • make future financial decisions together
  • be furious he wasnt more transparent
OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 22/08/2023 22:52

Also, why is he making decisions about what is legally only your house??

JanglyBeads · 22/08/2023 22:53

I'm not sure your solicitor/ conveyancer advised you very well OP.

Yellowflower47 · 22/08/2023 22:54

There is sooo much not adding up here. You say you earn £2k a month take home yet you have a mortgage solely in your name for £225k? Let’s be real OP, that’s not true is it?

RoyKentsTieDyeTop · 22/08/2023 22:56

Also, this is a minor weird point, but you said the credit card he gives you has a 2k limit?

That’s a really low limit. I have loads of credit cards (I move balances around so most are empty) and they have limits between £7k and £15k. And I don’t earn massive amounts. I mean, he could have asked for a low limit but then why? Or is it because his credit score is rubbish? What does it all mean?

Lovehearts82 · 22/08/2023 22:56

Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 22:51

Anyway, can we please go back to my original question. The advice I have been given so far:

  • sit and chat about having a joint account
  • ask to see evidence of all savings
  • make future financial decisions together
  • be furious he wasnt more transparent

Why would you be furious that he wasn't transparent about his savings? He hasn't withheld it from you. He has gifted you £225k for a deposit in a house in only your name and you say he pays for the repayments of the mortgage. He's handing over money for home improvements and has given you his credit card with is the equivalent to your salary.

PinkTonic · 22/08/2023 23:05

Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 22:51

Anyway, can we please go back to my original question. The advice I have been given so far:

  • sit and chat about having a joint account
  • ask to see evidence of all savings
  • make future financial decisions together
  • be furious he wasnt more transparent

Well initially I thought that having a secret pot of savings and retaining sole decision rights on how to spend was a red flag. However that pales into insignificance compared to involving you in some kind of dodgy financial transaction and lumbering you with a mortgage debt which doesn’t meet basic affordability criteria. If he spends all his savings and loses his job again you’ll be fucked. Which is why you can’t borrow 225k on one 30k salary.

caringcarer · 22/08/2023 23:08

I don't think giving you the credit card to spend whilst on Mat leave is controlling at all OP. He sounds a cautious type by nature nothing wrong with that. If you do up the house you might be able to sell for a profit in a couple of years and Iook for a forever home. Your DH can use his savings as a large deposit and once you are both working you can have both names on deeds. It might be he was just making sure you weren't a gold digger before he told you. Now he knows you are having his child he trusts you.

RoyKentsTieDyeTop · 22/08/2023 23:14

There is no way all of this is exactly as you say. You can’t have a sole mortgage of 225k on your salary alone. It would be half your monthly wage at least. Your DH can’t have put down a 50% deposit as a gift without an interest in the property.

Either you are mistaken, lying or being lied to.

QueenCamilla · 22/08/2023 23:23

Does he pay for things with cash mostly? Credit cards? Overdrafts?

Or just a normal account/ debit card that his salary would go into?

CharlotteBog · 22/08/2023 23:31

I'm not sure if I've got this right but the repayments on £225,000 would be about £1500 a month (repayment), which would leave you with £500 a month for everything else. The mortgage lender agreed that?

CharlotteBog · 22/08/2023 23:33

and he had 225K deposit and also 200K in savings?

Why didn't he buy a house outright?

QueenCamilla · 22/08/2023 23:38

It sounds like money laundering to me. All of it.
Buying cushions and sheets doesn't launder the money (there must be a pun in there somewhere).
Putting tens of thousands of cash with the builders does via numerous schemes. Paying down the mortgage from the shadows whilst using OP's name does - I bet he'll want his name on the deeds when the house is paid for fully. He's entitled to plenty anyway via the marriage.

And not a spender? So what exactly are the recent budget-busts about?

sezzer87 · 22/08/2023 23:43

Yeah I'd be annoyed too. He might have an extra £200k stored away but he clearly never had any intention of sharing that with you and is allowing you to stress about going back to work with a small baby, even though he could well afford for you to take more time off.
I'd be inclined to tell him that you plan on contributing much less now until you go back to work. Enjoy your smp and start building more of your own savings and let him take the brunt of the bills with his £7k a month salary.

QueenCamilla · 22/08/2023 23:45

CharlotteBog · 22/08/2023 23:31

I'm not sure if I've got this right but the repayments on £225,000 would be about £1500 a month (repayment), which would leave you with £500 a month for everything else. The mortgage lender agreed that?

He wouldn't have 60k spare cash for home improvements then (home improvements that are of no interest to him apparently) 😁

None of it makes benign sense.

QueenCamilla · 22/08/2023 23:46

Oh, my reply was meant to @CharlotteBog who asked why not to just buy outright!

Scottishskifun · 23/08/2023 05:22

Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 20:24

Anyway, I feel like I have an answer with most people saying I am not being unreasonable. DH said he is trying to reconcile with the fact that I should have access to something he's spent his whole life saving but would like to be OK with it. I felt bad about that and hence made the thread.

My DH and I keep our savings separate because we save very differently and we get better interest rates.
This isn't about your DH reconciling that "you want his money". It's your DH realising that you have been stressed out and concerned about financial implications especially being on mat leave and with renovations and that pressure and stress could have easily been avoided if he was upfront.

Regarding accounts well everyone does it differently. I don't pool everything with my husband but we regularly sit and work out what all joint expenditures are. These all come out of a joint account and we pay a ratio based on our salary

Scottishskifun · 23/08/2023 09:02

Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 22:51

Anyway, can we please go back to my original question. The advice I have been given so far:

  • sit and chat about having a joint account
  • ask to see evidence of all savings
  • make future financial decisions together
  • be furious he wasnt more transparent

1-3 are all linked and go hand in hand in terms of having a proper financial discussion.
How you do a joint account is entirely up to you guys. Some put all into 1 pot and that is used, others 1 pot then a certain amount into their own accounts after bills for their own spending. Or both put bill costs only (but this should be everything from phones to insurance, and childcare etc) many on a ratio when there is a large difference in salaries.

What is your childcare options for going back to work? You won't qualify for govt 20% scheme as his salary will be over 100k on a take home of 7k a month.

BarbaraofSeville · 23/08/2023 09:26

Well with £9k a month coming in, they don't need help with the cost of childcare.

The DH has bought his half of the house, now the OP is buying her half. She's said he's a saver, so if he's worked overseas earning good money, it's not impossible that he's built up huge amount just by not spending much of what he earns, especially if he's also had his living costs paid and/or not had to pay tax. Maybe he's just realised there's a lot of money available and they might as well spend some of it investing in the house?

But he might have to think about his pension (and investing) rather than keeping a lot in cash?

And we all know that if the OP had come into the marriage with a spare £200k floating around, MN would be telling her to protect it and even not mention it at all, lest his get ideas about some of it being his. What's hers is hers and what's his is theirs and all that.

Parker231 · 23/08/2023 09:28

Very weird in my opinion that they have been married a couple of years, have a home and baby but no financial discussions? Transparency should take place first.

Scottishskifun · 23/08/2023 09:37

@BarbaraofSeville yes but as long as her DH is paying the bulk of it!
Sadly there are women on these boards who are responsible for paying for their childcare solely despite what their partner earns!

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