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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know about DH's savings before marriage?

219 replies

Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 20:08

As the title says really. We have been married 2 years and have just welcomed our first baby and also just bought our first house together (it's been intense!). My question arises after thinking a new kitchen would be too expensive (£10k altogether) but DH went ahead and did to which I felt really happy but also a bit guilty thinking it was too expensive. And then DH wanted to sort out the driveway and front and back garden for which we received a quote of £30k. We both thought it was expensive and I said I didn't think it made economical sense as I really thought it would be totally diminishing all the savings. The following evening DH came home from work and said the builders would start on the driveway the following day. I was really worried as I thought we couldn't possibly afford it. DH says we could afford it and I said that I thought we had a budget of £50k for renovations etc. He said we do but he's happy to dip into his savings. I thought the deposit for the house plus renovations was X but turns out DH had another £200k saved. AIBU to want to have known about it? I've been really stressed with how much we've been spending on renovating plus the fact that I'm on mat leave with SMP and trying to figure out how to organise things about going back to work. I said to DH I would like to know the full picture with all the savings he has. AIBU?

OP posts:
Waterlillyflower · 23/08/2023 12:58

AlfietheSchnauzer · 23/08/2023 12:40

You need to separate. You're incompatible

That is a bit extreme.

Original poster
Jinnywix · 23/08/2023 13:09

A PP said it isn't possible for me to take out a mortgage on my salary.. I did and it's with a normal high st bank and a regular broker, I'm sorry but I really can't offer an explanation beyond that.

OP posts:
Thelonelygiraffe · 23/08/2023 13:09

AffableApple · 22/08/2023 20:14

I'd be concerned he's agreeing to works you've said no to, or at least queried, tbh. You're a team. Why is he dismissing you? Money is power. Yes, he should tell you. Not down to the penny, but an extra 200,000 of family money? Yes, he should.

Yep.

I'd be upset and angry that he was deciding unilaterally on house decisions. They should be made together.

Original poster
Jinnywix · 23/08/2023 13:16

Anyway, I had a chat with DH about how I've been feeling. We have agreed to

  • open a joint account where both our salaries will go into
  • all outgoings will go out from this account
  • DH doesn't know what goes out every month and how much. I said let's assess and figure out how much our outgoings (bills, mortgage, credit cards, loan repayments, necessities, food etc) are every month so we have no unexpected surprises
  • from there we can figure out how much we need to put aside to replenish savings. Perhaps look into investing some.
  • how much can we afford for fun (holidays, presents etc)
  • what things we need to run past each other eg. No more driveway type spends

So the above is all from the joint account.

I also had a look at his different accounts. It was £200ishk. Following driveway plus others it is currently £156k... I haven't looked into the statements, just the figure on the app.we have agreed not to touch this account anymore.

his other account is one his salary comes into and from that he adds to the above account. Once we have a joint account set up, should the savings go into a joint savings account or just his existing one?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jinnywix · 23/08/2023 13:20

DH wasn't initially happy. He didn't say anything but he said stuff like how most couples don't have joint accounts and that his parents didn't.. it made me nervous and cry a bit. And then he said we need to be a team and I shouldn't micromanage him and he has already said yes to giving me a credit card with a £3k limit. I said I don't want pocket money and would like to be in charge of decisions jointly. DH said it was insulting to call it pocket money. And he said he agreed with me so why am I upset.

OP posts:
tweetsandchirps · 23/08/2023 13:30

Honestly I would get advice & a 5 year financial plan from an independent financial advisor. I get the impression you are both uncomfortable & unsure how to handle this matter & a neutral third party might be able to help.

EarringsandLipstick · 23/08/2023 13:40

I'm finding all of your updates progressively more confusing.

What have you decided with regard to the house & DH's name?

And it still will not have been possible to get that mortgage on your salary so you are not being honest there.

MrsSquirrel · 23/08/2023 13:44

How does he know that most couples don't have joint accounts? 🤨

Anyway, it doesn't matter what most couples do. You need to organise your family finances in a way that works for you.

Working out how much you are currently spending and making a budget together is a good start.

CharlotteBog · 23/08/2023 13:47

Jinnywix · 23/08/2023 13:09

A PP said it isn't possible for me to take out a mortgage on my salary.. I did and it's with a normal high st bank and a regular broker, I'm sorry but I really can't offer an explanation beyond that.

No wonder so many people get into such big problems then.

A broker happy to lend 225K to someone who takes home 2K a month seems completely irresponsible. I would have said something around 1/2 would be more sensible.

Daphnis156 · 23/08/2023 13:50

It's not your money, and he's chosen not to tell you.
You're not paying for renovation you both wanted, and at this rate he'll have used it all up anyway.

Yellowflower47 · 23/08/2023 14:10

Jinnywix · 23/08/2023 13:09

A PP said it isn't possible for me to take out a mortgage on my salary.. I did and it's with a normal high st bank and a regular broker, I'm sorry but I really can't offer an explanation beyond that.

Please give the name of this high street bank. I’d love to know as I have a similar take home to you and can only get a mortgage of approx 4 times my annual salary on my own with no debts or dependents.

Pimpmyfeet · 23/08/2023 14:45

Info: how long were you together before getting married?

What kind of job does he have where he can earn and save so much but be so oblivious with money?

JanglyBeads · 23/08/2023 18:12

Ah so what are his parents' finances like?. Didn't you say earlier that he'd come from "no money"?

Jackienory · 23/08/2023 18:23

get him to give you the full picture on the finances asap and he should be sharing his salary with you as his wife who is now raising his child………. Or what ?

Original poster
Jinnywix · 23/08/2023 20:52

JanglyBeads · 23/08/2023 18:12

Ah so what are his parents' finances like?. Didn't you say earlier that he'd come from "no money"?

I would imagine they didn't have a lot. They lived in a council house which DH eventually bought for them. I really can't comment on finances beyond that as I don't know. I know they never went on family holidays or had a car.. they very rarely left their local area (Hastings).

OP posts:
Original poster
Jinnywix · 23/08/2023 20:53

Pimpmyfeet · 23/08/2023 14:45

Info: how long were you together before getting married?

What kind of job does he have where he can earn and save so much but be so oblivious with money?

Two years.
Solicitor/partner at law firm

OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 23/08/2023 21:20

Jinnywix · 23/08/2023 13:20

DH wasn't initially happy. He didn't say anything but he said stuff like how most couples don't have joint accounts and that his parents didn't.. it made me nervous and cry a bit. And then he said we need to be a team and I shouldn't micromanage him and he has already said yes to giving me a credit card with a £3k limit. I said I don't want pocket money and would like to be in charge of decisions jointly. DH said it was insulting to call it pocket money. And he said he agreed with me so why am I upset.

Most couples have joint accounts if married with children!

Well done for having that conversation. As for savings going forward your best in a joint account rather than his as you can see it. Also over 80k is no longer protected if the company went bust so it's actually better to spread across a number of accounts. DH and I have separate and joint savings account to maximise interest rates and we save differently.

Maybe you were upset because he still doesn't see or get the financial worry you have been feeling or treating it like a team by being up front in the first place!

Let things calm down get it set up and then go from there

tweetsandchirps · 23/08/2023 21:20

The more I read these threads the more I have come to believe in Sheldon cooper’s (big bang theory) insistence of relationship agreements. It would solve so much early on.

JanglyBeads · 23/08/2023 21:44

He's a partner in a law firm?!?!

NotNowGertrude · 23/08/2023 22:14

Jinnywix · 23/08/2023 13:16

Anyway, I had a chat with DH about how I've been feeling. We have agreed to

  • open a joint account where both our salaries will go into
  • all outgoings will go out from this account
  • DH doesn't know what goes out every month and how much. I said let's assess and figure out how much our outgoings (bills, mortgage, credit cards, loan repayments, necessities, food etc) are every month so we have no unexpected surprises
  • from there we can figure out how much we need to put aside to replenish savings. Perhaps look into investing some.
  • how much can we afford for fun (holidays, presents etc)
  • what things we need to run past each other eg. No more driveway type spends

So the above is all from the joint account.

I also had a look at his different accounts. It was £200ishk. Following driveway plus others it is currently £156k... I haven't looked into the statements, just the figure on the app.we have agreed not to touch this account anymore.

his other account is one his salary comes into and from that he adds to the above account. Once we have a joint account set up, should the savings go into a joint savings account or just his existing one?

Why can't his salary go directly into the joint account?

Parker231 · 23/08/2023 22:19

JanglyBeads · 23/08/2023 21:44

He's a partner in a law firm?!?!

And doesn’t understand about deeds of a property - hope he doesn’t work in the conveyance department.

bladebladebla1 · 23/08/2023 22:30

RoyKentsTieDyeTop · 22/08/2023 20:49

Have you actually seen evidence of his savings?

Insecure employment, not on the mortgage (didn’t want to go through the checks?) sudden big purchases. Shady shady.

It is absolute madness that he wouldn’t use some of his alleged savings for the deposit. Aren’t you a bit disgusted that you are in a budget house on an apparently luxury income if true? And unable to spend £90 on bedding (mine costs at least twice that btw, good bedding is worth spending on).

Cleaning money innit

JanglyBeads · 23/08/2023 22:32

@NotNowGertrude the OP says that both their salaries will go into the joint account, it's her first bullet?

Original poster
Jinnywix · 23/08/2023 22:33

NotNowGertrude · 23/08/2023 22:14

Why can't his salary go directly into the joint account?

Show quote history

It will.

OP posts:
NotNowGertrude · 23/08/2023 22:36

Sorry at the end I thought it read his salary goes into a different account then gets moved into the joint account? Sorry if I misunderstood

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