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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know about DH's savings before marriage?

219 replies

Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 20:08

As the title says really. We have been married 2 years and have just welcomed our first baby and also just bought our first house together (it's been intense!). My question arises after thinking a new kitchen would be too expensive (£10k altogether) but DH went ahead and did to which I felt really happy but also a bit guilty thinking it was too expensive. And then DH wanted to sort out the driveway and front and back garden for which we received a quote of £30k. We both thought it was expensive and I said I didn't think it made economical sense as I really thought it would be totally diminishing all the savings. The following evening DH came home from work and said the builders would start on the driveway the following day. I was really worried as I thought we couldn't possibly afford it. DH says we could afford it and I said that I thought we had a budget of £50k for renovations etc. He said we do but he's happy to dip into his savings. I thought the deposit for the house plus renovations was X but turns out DH had another £200k saved. AIBU to want to have known about it? I've been really stressed with how much we've been spending on renovating plus the fact that I'm on mat leave with SMP and trying to figure out how to organise things about going back to work. I said to DH I would like to know the full picture with all the savings he has. AIBU?

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 22/08/2023 20:34

Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 20:28

This is going to sound a bit complicated but here we go. Last year we found this house but DH was unemployed at the time and we could only get a mortgage on my salary (which meant I could borrow very little). And we're in greater London which meant we really were looking at the cheapest of houses possible.

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But he had a shit load of savings!!!

MintJulia · 22/08/2023 20:35

OP, the other thing that would concern me, is where did the £200k come from.

As a married couple you are (or should be) one financial unit. Otherwise he leaves you worrying about things unnecessarily. It's unkind and verging on dishonest.

EntreMummy · 22/08/2023 20:35

So - your Dad made you use your entire life savings to pay the entirety of your wedding?

and your DH let you buy a house entirely on your own salary without letting on that he had £200k sitting in a secret account, without suggesting it be put towards the house?

time to start taking control of things for yourself OP…

HerMammy · 22/08/2023 20:35

Wait a minute; he has had £200k in bank that 'he's spent his life saving' but let you find the new house and suddenly can drop £30k on a driveway?? I'd be concerned where the money came from and why he didn't help with house purchase.

Abbimae · 22/08/2023 20:35

Guy has 200k but couldn’t afford to get a house with you! What?

Spacecowboys · 22/08/2023 20:37

Cloverforever · 22/08/2023 20:31

And he didn't offer much of his 200k savings to use as a deposit so you coukd get a better house? This sounds very suspicious OP.

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I was thinking this. The 200k could also see them mortgage free now.
If dh has managed to save over 200k and earns 7k per month, it won’t take long to build savings up again.

Original poster
Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 20:41

The mortgage is only in my name because DH was unemployed when we bought it. He puts money into my account for the monthly repayments.

His savings came from his job and I guess from a time where he had less dependents. I didn't think it was shady.

I have his credit card for my mat leave. My work gives me SMP and DH's credit card limit is the same as what my salary was

OP posts:
RoyKentsTieDyeTop · 22/08/2023 20:43

This is as shady as fuck.

EntreMummy · 22/08/2023 20:44

But he still didn’t suggest putting in the money for the house deposit, even if the mortgage had to be on your salary alone?

giving you a credit card for mat leave again seems very controlling.
why not have a joint account that all money goes into that you both access?

Original poster
Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 20:47

EntreMummy · 22/08/2023 20:44

But he still didn’t suggest putting in the money for the house deposit, even if the mortgage had to be on your salary alone?

giving you a credit card for mat leave again seems very controlling.
why not have a joint account that all money goes into that you both access?

The deposit we did use was all DH's. And I assumed that it was the maximum he could have gone.

OP posts:
Waterlillyflower · 22/08/2023 20:48

You guys are riiiiich.🤑

Original poster
Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 20:48

EntreMummy · 22/08/2023 20:44

But he still didn’t suggest putting in the money for the house deposit, even if the mortgage had to be on your salary alone?

giving you a credit card for mat leave again seems very controlling.
why not have a joint account that all money goes into that you both access?

He said from next month he will set up a joint account as that's when he starts his new job. He has been temping the last 6 months and has now found a permanent role.

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 22/08/2023 20:48

Wonder what else he's lying about?

RoyKentsTieDyeTop · 22/08/2023 20:49

Have you actually seen evidence of his savings?

Insecure employment, not on the mortgage (didn’t want to go through the checks?) sudden big purchases. Shady shady.

It is absolute madness that he wouldn’t use some of his alleged savings for the deposit. Aren’t you a bit disgusted that you are in a budget house on an apparently luxury income if true? And unable to spend £90 on bedding (mine costs at least twice that btw, good bedding is worth spending on).

Spacecowboys · 22/08/2023 20:49

Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 20:41

The mortgage is only in my name because DH was unemployed when we bought it. He puts money into my account for the monthly repayments.

His savings came from his job and I guess from a time where he had less dependents. I didn't think it was shady.

I have his credit card for my mat leave. My work gives me SMP and DH's credit card limit is the same as what my salary was

You can get a joint mortgage when only one person is working. Does that mean the house is only in your name too, or is dh on the deeds - where the mortgage company happy for this to happen if he is? I’m usually in favour of separate finances when both parties are happy but there’s a few red flags here I think.

Original poster
Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 20:49

EntreMummy · 22/08/2023 20:44

But he still didn’t suggest putting in the money for the house deposit, even if the mortgage had to be on your salary alone?

giving you a credit card for mat leave again seems very controlling.
why not have a joint account that all money goes into that you both access?

This is a genuine question in case tone come across wrong.

How is having a credit card any different from a joint account. DH can see what I spend either way if that's what you meant by controlling, no?

OP posts:
EntreMummy · 22/08/2023 20:51

Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 20:47

The deposit we did use was all DH's. And I assumed that it was the maximum he could have gone.

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In this case re the deposit I would be very upset in your shoes.
that full amount presumably could have made a big difference to what kind of house you bought

Justforfun111 · 22/08/2023 20:52

Maybe he's selling drugs in his spare time

Waterlillyflower · 22/08/2023 20:53

He has told you know.
He may have just being careful because he was in a temp role.

Just have a chat now and you are bothnon the same page.

I dont agree he is hiding other stuff and red flags bla bla.

He earns more than you and if he was kot spending it obvs he is saving.

Original poster
Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 20:54

RoyKentsTieDyeTop · 22/08/2023 20:49

Have you actually seen evidence of his savings?

Insecure employment, not on the mortgage (didn’t want to go through the checks?) sudden big purchases. Shady shady.

It is absolute madness that he wouldn’t use some of his alleged savings for the deposit. Aren’t you a bit disgusted that you are in a budget house on an apparently luxury income if true? And unable to spend £90 on bedding (mine costs at least twice that btw, good bedding is worth spending on).

I haven't seen evidence but I have asked to see it.
He was at a reputable company that was being restructured and prior to that at another well known company so I didn't think his income was shady. DH would one day like us to have our forever home but I think he didn't want to spend everything on the house deposit because the repayments were going to be made by him from his savings while he didn't yet have a job. I hope that make sense.

OP posts:
EntreMummy · 22/08/2023 20:54

Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 20:49

This is a genuine question in case tone come across wrong.

How is having a credit card any different from a joint account. DH can see what I spend either way if that's what you meant by controlling, no?

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The credit card thing is controlling because it’s like him setting you a maximum amount of spending money. You aren’t getting full view of the accounts and full financial picture that way.

which is v different than two adults with shared financial responsibility and decision making having full access to all monies in a joint account.

Original poster
Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 20:54

Spacecowboys · 22/08/2023 20:49

You can get a joint mortgage when only one person is working. Does that mean the house is only in your name too, or is dh on the deeds - where the mortgage company happy for this to happen if he is? I’m usually in favour of separate finances when both parties are happy but there’s a few red flags here I think.

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The house is only in my name, DH isn't on the deeds.

OP posts:
Waterlillyflower · 22/08/2023 20:55

Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 20:54

I haven't seen evidence but I have asked to see it.
He was at a reputable company that was being restructured and prior to that at another well known company so I didn't think his income was shady. DH would one day like us to have our forever home but I think he didn't want to spend everything on the house deposit because the repayments were going to be made by him from his savings while he didn't yet have a job. I hope that make sense.

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Makes sense. Sounds very sensible.

Good luck to you both.

Original poster
Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 20:56

Waterlillyflower · 22/08/2023 20:53

He has told you know.
He may have just being careful because he was in a temp role.

Just have a chat now and you are bothnon the same page.

I dont agree he is hiding other stuff and red flags bla bla.

He earns more than you and if he was kot spending it obvs he is saving.

He is a very good saver and not a spender at all

OP posts:
Waterlillyflower · 22/08/2023 20:57

Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 20:56

He is a very good saver and not a spender at all

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There you go.

He knows you will both want a forever home one day.

So just invest wisely now.