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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know about DH's savings before marriage?

219 replies

Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 20:08

As the title says really. We have been married 2 years and have just welcomed our first baby and also just bought our first house together (it's been intense!). My question arises after thinking a new kitchen would be too expensive (£10k altogether) but DH went ahead and did to which I felt really happy but also a bit guilty thinking it was too expensive. And then DH wanted to sort out the driveway and front and back garden for which we received a quote of £30k. We both thought it was expensive and I said I didn't think it made economical sense as I really thought it would be totally diminishing all the savings. The following evening DH came home from work and said the builders would start on the driveway the following day. I was really worried as I thought we couldn't possibly afford it. DH says we could afford it and I said that I thought we had a budget of £50k for renovations etc. He said we do but he's happy to dip into his savings. I thought the deposit for the house plus renovations was X but turns out DH had another £200k saved. AIBU to want to have known about it? I've been really stressed with how much we've been spending on renovating plus the fact that I'm on mat leave with SMP and trying to figure out how to organise things about going back to work. I said to DH I would like to know the full picture with all the savings he has. AIBU?

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 22/08/2023 22:23

Our broker was aware the deposit was gifted to me by my husband

But why?

Of course he should be on the deeds. It shouldn't be only your house (even though your marriage obviously addresses this to an extent).

How did he save so much money?

Did you both not discuss finances, at all, before you married? Now that I've read your update, I'm revising my views in the opposite direction.

PinkTonic · 22/08/2023 22:23

Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 22:21

We were able to borrow that much, yes. Our broker was aware the deposit was gifted to me by my husband

Show quote history

I don’t know how you passed money laundering checks. It doesn’t sound possible.

Northernlight22 · 22/08/2023 22:25

Where can I get one of these husbands who pays 50% deposit on a house that he isn’t on the deeds for 👀

Somethings a bit fishy here

Original poster
Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 22:25

EarringsandLipstick · 22/08/2023 22:20

All of it! It was a 50% deposit on a £450k house.

WTF?

Did the bank not query where you got £225k on £2k a month?

If he provided 50% of the house price why isn't he on the mortgage / deeds? That's nuts.

And if you knew he had £225k then, surely you're not surprised he could have more savings of equivalence?

Finally, how did he save that kind of money, even on a substantial salary?

That's an unbelievable drip feed as well as a bonkers one.

I didn't think it was a drip feed because I didn't think it was relevant. I wast just asking if it was unreasonable to ask to know about his savings that he saved previous to being married.

I was aware of 3 'pots'.

  1. The account he gets paid into
  2. An account from when he worked overseas
  3. An untouchable account with savings
I know how much is in all three. So I thought that was exhaustive.
OP posts:
Original poster
Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 22:26

PinkTonic · 22/08/2023 22:23

I don’t know how you passed money laundering checks. It doesn’t sound possible.

Show quote history

Our mortgage broker and bank knew everything.

OP posts:
PinkTonic · 22/08/2023 22:26

Northernlight22 · 22/08/2023 22:25

Where can I get one of these husbands who pays 50% deposit on a house that he isn’t on the deeds for 👀

Somethings a bit fishy here

Or a broker that can get you £225K on just under £30K salary

Livinghappy · 22/08/2023 22:26

Is you dh much older than you? Nearly 0.5 million saved is some going. Did he have a win on lottery?

Calmdown14 · 22/08/2023 22:26

Also, is it possible he has a poor credit history?

Perhaps a CCJ from something daft he didn't want to disclose? Have you ever done an experien check with him?

It's the most obvious reason not to want to be on the mortgage, especially if he lacks full understanding of how things work

Original poster
Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 22:28

Livinghappy · 22/08/2023 22:26

Is you dh much older than you? Nearly 0.5 million saved is some going. Did he have a win on lottery?

He's 9 years older than me

OP posts:
Waterlillyflower · 22/08/2023 22:31

I would just sit down have a chat.
Discuss all thd points you rsised forward and have an agreement to share going fwd.

Perhaps get some independent finsncial advice going forward about how to invest the savings sensibly.
I believe there is nothing sinister. He is a saver, his poor background perhaps made this more pronounced.

Just follow the plan above op.
Good luck.

RoyKentsTieDyeTop · 22/08/2023 22:32

Was this an actual broker and a high street bank?

This is just so far fetched and fishy that I can’t get my head round it.

You can’t just rock up to a bank with a random quarter of a million cash ‘gift’ and buy a house. That is the definition of money laundering. And even with 50% LTV I don’t understand how you got a 225k mortgage on 30k a year. It no sense make.

Waterlillyflower · 22/08/2023 22:33

He is married to you so is entitled to half despite not choosing to have his name on the deeds.

Original poster
Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 22:34

RoyKentsTieDyeTop · 22/08/2023 22:32

Was this an actual broker and a high street bank?

This is just so far fetched and fishy that I can’t get my head round it.

You can’t just rock up to a bank with a random quarter of a million cash ‘gift’ and buy a house. That is the definition of money laundering. And even with 50% LTV I don’t understand how you got a 225k mortgage on 30k a year. It no sense make.

High st bank and broker was actually provided by a company he worked for a few years ago (not the one he was made redundant from) so I think it is all legit.

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 22/08/2023 22:35

YY re the AML checks but also, am surprised the lender agreed to this because that big a deposit (well in fact, any gift) could be seen as giving him a financial interest in the house.

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 22/08/2023 22:36

Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 22:03

I was unhappy tbh but normally once I suggest a solution DH is happy to accommodate.

I was aware of his income just not his savings. DH was made redundant and looking for his exact role/salary match for over a year. In the end he 'settled' for the temp role (mostly because we conceived but there was no permanent role in sight) and the permanent role he has coming up is actually lower paying than the temp role but with a promise of a potentially big bonuses eg. previous "bad years" they have had a bonus of 100%

And yes, the budget for our forever home looked very different to what we settled on but we were in quite a small flat in central London and it seemed like we should just adjust our house budget to something we could afford in the moment rather than keep waiting for DH to find a permanent role while baby due date was getting closer and closer.

Show quote history

Ah I see, all sounds very stressful for you trying to sort out a house purchase in time for the baby whilst he was job hunting.

I would still be very uncomfortable that he kept the savings a secret for so long, and I would want to know that there is nothing else he is hiding that you should know about.

DrManhattan · 22/08/2023 22:36

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Yestostructure · 22/08/2023 22:39

Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 20:18

We have a list of all the things we'd like done to the house, of which the driveway was one. And the only reason I objected to it was because of cost. If I thought we could have afforded it, I'd have said yes too. So I generally feel like we're a team. But lately on mat leave I'm feeling like I've really lost my independence eg. I liked some bedsheets which cost £90 in total (I know it's a lot! But I just thought it's our brand new bedroom and it might be nice) and DH made a comment about it being too expensive and in the end we got something cheaper. And I just feel like had I been making my own money I would've just bought it without really thinking. But maybe I am being reckless, I don't know..

Show quote history

You don't save 200k by spending 90quid on bed sheets.

My husband has waaay more savings than me (we don't have anywhere near your combined income though) and sometimes he pays for "big stuff', although I draw the line at overpaying significantly on the mortgage.

He has significant savings cos he spends so little....me on the hand, earn it, contribute to bills account, a wee bit of saving then spend spend spend until it's gone. Lather, rinse, repeat.

When I was on mat leave I didn't spend as much but husband did offer to give me extra (was 2020/21 so the usual coffees, cakes groups stuff was non existent).
I don't know how much my husband has and neither do I care as we don't fully share finances due to out markedly different financial habits as described above. It saves much hassle and many arguments I expect.

Original poster
Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 22:39

I don't mind if people think it isn't true, I really wasnt trying to drip feed, I just didn't think all of it was that relevant.

I purely wanted to know if other couples operated in a way where you know about and/or have access to your other Half's savings (those before marriage).

OP posts:
HeatherMoores · 22/08/2023 22:39

I can spend just that on the sheets. I like percale 400 tc!

VestaTilley · 22/08/2023 22:42

Make sure he pays his half for childcare etc. He should tell you at least roughly what he’s worth- you’re married! And he shouldn’t be commissioning building work without you both agreeing to it first.

Original poster
Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 22:43

Yestostructure · 22/08/2023 22:39

You don't save 200k by spending 90quid on bed sheets.

My husband has waaay more savings than me (we don't have anywhere near your combined income though) and sometimes he pays for "big stuff', although I draw the line at overpaying significantly on the mortgage.

He has significant savings cos he spends so little....me on the hand, earn it, contribute to bills account, a wee bit of saving then spend spend spend until it's gone. Lather, rinse, repeat.

When I was on mat leave I didn't spend as much but husband did offer to give me extra (was 2020/21 so the usual coffees, cakes groups stuff was non existent).
I don't know how much my husband has and neither do I care as we don't fully share finances due to out markedly different financial habits as described above. It saves much hassle and many arguments I expect.

Show quote history

Our spending dynamics are similar. However I don't think I am irresponsible. For example, I'm not into designer labels etc but I am passionate about home interiors. I was tempted to make an AIBU about how depressed I got about the sheets. Often I think my family/parents are although on a lower income than him their house is much prettier than DH's flat because he is fine with the zero frills look (not even cushions on the sofa when we first met)

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 22/08/2023 22:45

Hang on, so did he originally have nearly half a million in savings? You obviously knew he had a lot of money because of the deposit he paid. Did he imply there wasn't much left?

And if he's not investing the money, surely he's not just keeping it in an ordinary account?

Original poster
Jinnywix · 22/08/2023 22:45

Sorry was meant to add to my previous post... Saying £90 was too expensive on the sheets just made me feel like I wish I was working and earning my own money again hence wanting to make an AIBU.

OP posts:
Lovehearts82 · 22/08/2023 22:45

These updates have more twists and turns than Spaghetti Junction 🤯
I've completely forgotten what the AIBU was 🤣

tweetsandchirps · 22/08/2023 22:46

An account from when he worked overseas

OK, so depending on what you do, it is possible to earn a lot overseas and not spend much. This can partially explain the savings stash.

But I do think you need to both sit down and sort out finances properly. Right now if he keeps spending 30K here and another 100K there it will be gone.

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