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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding dress shopping

186 replies

Thebigday · 22/08/2023 13:12

I’m getting married next year.

We have two kids together (DD12 and DS10). I also have a DSD16 who we have EOW.

When we first booked to get married DSD showed a lot of interest into what dress I might pick and I’m at the point of thinking I need to go out and actually do some wedding dress shopping soon.

I asked my DD would she like to come the other day and she said yes and asked if her nan would come (my mum) and I said yes.

I also said I might invite DSD but she doesn’t want me to invite her. I feel a bit stuck now! I haven’t officially invited dsd luckily but DD has said she thinks this is a special mother:daughter thing and she wants it to be just her and doesn’t want to share the experience with dsd.

I understand her point completely as dsd has her own mum to do this with if she ever gets married but I feel a bit mean.

Is it mean or is it fine?

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle but I need to prioritise my daughter over dsd.

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 22/08/2023 13:15

I think your DD can have her special mum and daughter thing when she’s shopping for her dress. Invite DSD.

Sunshineclouds11 · 22/08/2023 13:16

I would invite DSD

saltinesandcoffeecups · 22/08/2023 13:16

Crap hit post too soon.

This wedding is blending the 2 families, no? What message does that send your step daughter if you exclude her?

Summerrainagain1 · 22/08/2023 13:17

I think you should invite DSD. Like OP said, when you DD gets married it can be just you and her but this marriage is - presumably - about bringing two families together. It seems a bad part to exclude one. I think your should be able to understand taht at 12.

Owjrbvr · 22/08/2023 13:18

I’d go twice; no reason why you can’t have a couple of outings for it

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/08/2023 13:20

DSD has expressed interest, which I think stands for something. You’re marrying her dad, and she wants to be part of that. I’d hold onto a teenager’s enthusiasm for as long as I could. You can arrange another special day with your DD - accessories shopping, hair and make up practice at a salon together, choosing stationery.

Besides which, having just bought my own wedding dress, I think all of you will be bored witless an hour into the day, anyway, so it would be a shame to have caused a family rift over it. Watching somebody try on dresses which look mostly alike and for which they’re being given the full upselling sales pitch by pushy assistants is not a fun day out: I tried on one a half dresses with my friend watching and then we sacked it off to go to the pub, bought my dress online instead!

OneAtATime · 22/08/2023 13:20

Can DSD join for something else? Her age maybe better for make up or hair trial? Or does she like flowers/music, could she be involved there?

Original poster
Thebigday · 22/08/2023 13:32

OneAtATime · 22/08/2023 13:20

Can DSD join for something else? Her age maybe better for make up or hair trial? Or does she like flowers/music, could she be involved there?

She could be involved in music..

Flowers are already booked.
Cake is done
her dress is already been bought

Her and DD are not have make up so it’s only my trial so she might not be int in that.
I haven’t even thought of hair😅

OP posts:
Chantholtmouse · 22/08/2023 13:44

You have to include her if you ever want to have a truly blended family. If you don't I'd imagine your relationship between you and your partner won't be great.

Original poster
Thebigday · 22/08/2023 13:46

Chantholtmouse · 22/08/2023 13:44

You have to include her if you ever want to have a truly blended family. If you don't I'd imagine your relationship between you and your partner won't be great.

We have been together 15 years. Our relationship is fine.

OP posts:
WhatWillAPearDoAtNight · 22/08/2023 13:56

I think you should include her but it looks like you've already decided you won't and want us all to agree with you 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tittyfilarious81 · 22/08/2023 13:58

I think you should include her op if you've been with her dad for 15 years of her life I think it would hurt her alot if she's not included

Chantholtmouse · 22/08/2023 14:00

Thebigday · 22/08/2023 13:46

We have been together 15 years. Our relationship is fine.

Show quote history

But will it be when you exclude his child from an important event?

TicTacNicNak · 22/08/2023 14:07

If your DSD has been in your life for the majority of hers then she should definitely be included. It's not like you've only been with her father for a year or two. I think a gentle chat with your DD is needed here.

Shortandsweet20 · 22/08/2023 14:07

If you've been together 15 years, you've known your DSD since she was 1? It would be devastating to not include her when she's been in your life that long?

Your daughter should be able to understand that, I think you should include your DSD

PinkFootstool · 22/08/2023 14:07

Just take her. It's not some magical event for mothers and daughters only. You'll spend most of your time in the changing room and only a few minutes showing off any dresses and some you'll refuse to go out wearing.

Your 12yo is being unreasonable.

ExtraOnions · 22/08/2023 14:09

There will be more than 1 visit to the wedding dress shop. If (and it’s a big if) you find something on your first visit there is alterations and fittings. Visits enough for all.

Rogue1001MNer · 22/08/2023 14:23

WhatWillAPearDoAtNight · 22/08/2023 13:56

I think you should include her but it looks like you've already decided you won't and want us all to agree with you 🤷🏻‍♀️

Unfortunately, I think this answer nails it.

Mum and daughter shopping for daughter's wedding dress = significant and sacred.

Other way round, absolutely not.

Bluevelvetsofa · 22/08/2023 14:23

You can have several dress shopping days and you can invite different people. My DiL invited me and invited friends another time. Then all of us went to the final decision making day.

TheEverdelightfulsamantha · 22/08/2023 14:32

Take your step daughter - definitely!

thecatsthecats · 22/08/2023 14:39

How on earth has your daughter grown up not feeling like her older sister isn't part of the family? She's known her her entire life!

itsmylife7 · 22/08/2023 14:45

Technically your Daughter is wrong, it's the Bride and Brides Mother who normally shop together.

I'd invite step Daughter along too.

Mrburnshound · 22/08/2023 14:51

I would invite DSD, she gets a glass of bubbly and oohs a bit, it's not really a massive deal for her to be there

Original poster
Thebigday · 22/08/2023 14:53

thecatsthecats · 22/08/2023 14:39

How on earth has your daughter grown up not feeling like her older sister isn't part of the family? She's known her her entire life!

Where did I say DD didn’t think of her as family?

I said she feels like it’s a mother/daughter thing and she’s aware I’m not her mother…..

OP posts:
Skinthin · 22/08/2023 14:57

Your daughter is being unreasonable. Do the right thing and take your DSD. I’ve never heard of shopping for mum’s wedding dress as being a special mother daughter thing 🙄- most daughters don’t even participate in this.
She can have that special moment if and when she shops for her wedding dress if she likes, but I bet by then she’ll also want to bring various friends.

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