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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding dress shopping

186 replies

Thebigday · 22/08/2023 13:12

I’m getting married next year.

We have two kids together (DD12 and DS10). I also have a DSD16 who we have EOW.

When we first booked to get married DSD showed a lot of interest into what dress I might pick and I’m at the point of thinking I need to go out and actually do some wedding dress shopping soon.

I asked my DD would she like to come the other day and she said yes and asked if her nan would come (my mum) and I said yes.

I also said I might invite DSD but she doesn’t want me to invite her. I feel a bit stuck now! I haven’t officially invited dsd luckily but DD has said she thinks this is a special mother:daughter thing and she wants it to be just her and doesn’t want to share the experience with dsd.

I understand her point completely as dsd has her own mum to do this with if she ever gets married but I feel a bit mean.

Is it mean or is it fine?

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle but I need to prioritise my daughter over dsd.

OP posts:
Possimpible · 22/08/2023 14:58

It's not a mother daughter thing at all, your daughter is 12, without being rude what does she know about it? Is she an expert after a few episodes of Say Yes to the Dress? You're the adult and the parent, and your daughter is being unpleasant tbh.

Btw some boutiques won't allow children, so you might find DD can't even go

shelbaby · 22/08/2023 14:58

I think it's mean not to invite her. Does ur daughter not get on with her?

Why don't u find out for sure if she wants to come. She might not be that bothered or doesn't want to hurt ur feelings by not going along. Maybe ask ur future dh to find out if she wants to come.

It's bloody boring wedding dress shopping! Also hard bloody work trying on so many dresses and going to different shops. I had to do it over a few different days as I went to soooo many shops before I find my dress. I must have tried on about 30dresses.

I went with my mum only. Then when I was down to 2 final dresses I got my sister to come along and help me pick the final dress. My aunt also came one time when I was getting a fitting as she wanted a look. Then proceeded to cry when my own mum hadn't even done that 😂

Curseofthenation · 22/08/2023 15:01

You should take your DSD. It's the right thing to do. You should also stop running things that don't need your DD's sign off past her. This could have all been avoided if you had told your DD after your DSD had been invited. She might have sulked a bit but it would have been easier for her to get over.

Original poster
Thebigday · 22/08/2023 15:03

Possimpible · 22/08/2023 14:58

It's not a mother daughter thing at all, your daughter is 12, without being rude what does she know about it? Is she an expert after a few episodes of Say Yes to the Dress? You're the adult and the parent, and your daughter is being unpleasant tbh.

Btw some boutiques won't allow children, so you might find DD can't even go

She has eyes and she’s just going to say yes and no to what she thinks looks nice.
There isn’t much to know about it really. I don’t know much more then her myself as Iv never been wedding dress shopping.

I wouldn’t go to any boutiques that didn’t allow children in if that was the case. That doesn’t bother me, it’s not like wedding dress shops are hard to come by.

OP posts:
Skinthin · 22/08/2023 15:05

Thebigday · 22/08/2023 15:03

She has eyes and she’s just going to say yes and no to what she thinks looks nice.
There isn’t much to know about it really. I don’t know much more then her myself as Iv never been wedding dress shopping.

I wouldn’t go to any boutiques that didn’t allow children in if that was the case. That doesn’t bother me, it’s not like wedding dress shops are hard to come by.

Show quote history

I think that pp meant why has she decided it’s a mother- daughter thing - what does she know? Newsflash- it’s not.

Original poster
Thebigday · 22/08/2023 15:05

shelbaby · 22/08/2023 14:58

I think it's mean not to invite her. Does ur daughter not get on with her?

Why don't u find out for sure if she wants to come. She might not be that bothered or doesn't want to hurt ur feelings by not going along. Maybe ask ur future dh to find out if she wants to come.

It's bloody boring wedding dress shopping! Also hard bloody work trying on so many dresses and going to different shops. I had to do it over a few different days as I went to soooo many shops before I find my dress. I must have tried on about 30dresses.

I went with my mum only. Then when I was down to 2 final dresses I got my sister to come along and help me pick the final dress. My aunt also came one time when I was getting a fitting as she wanted a look. Then proceeded to cry when my own mum hadn't even done that 😂

That get on when they are together but they are not close. They don’t chat in between visits.

I haven’t even been dress shopping and I already find the thought of it boring! Ha

OP posts:
Possimpible · 22/08/2023 15:06

Thebigday · 22/08/2023 15:03

She has eyes and she’s just going to say yes and no to what she thinks looks nice.
There isn’t much to know about it really. I don’t know much more then her myself as Iv never been wedding dress shopping.

I wouldn’t go to any boutiques that didn’t allow children in if that was the case. That doesn’t bother me, it’s not like wedding dress shops are hard to come by.

Show quote history

I don't mean what does she know about bridal fashion, I mean what does she know about wedding etiquette? She's 12!

Also you should do your research in advance then, lots of shops charge an appointment fee and you should try to find out roughly what style you want before you book, read reviews etc. I had an awful experience and two very good experiences, and the only difference was research.

Original poster
Thebigday · 22/08/2023 15:07

Skinthin · 22/08/2023 15:05

I think that pp meant why has she decided it’s a mother- daughter thing - what does she know? Newsflash- it’s not.

Show quote history

Traditionally no it’s not of course but I’m hardly going down the traditional path! Iv already had 2 kids, mortgage etc

Her feelings are valid regardless.

OP posts:
AppaTheSixLeggedFlyingBison · 22/08/2023 15:08

But why do her feelings trump everyone else's?

You were originally going to invite your step daughter. Why does she feel she has a right to dictate your day.

Cakecakecheese · 22/08/2023 15:09

I don't understand why you'd take any kids, take a female friend whose opinion you trust. It's not that many years til she'll be prom dress shopping anyway.

Skinthin · 22/08/2023 15:10

Thebigday · 22/08/2023 15:07

Traditionally no it’s not of course but I’m hardly going down the traditional path! Iv already had 2 kids, mortgage etc

Her feelings are valid regardless.

Show quote history

Her feelings are valid regardless

So you think it’s right to potentially hurt your DSD because your DD wants to exclude her, on the grounds that “all feelings are valid”, even if they are coming from a potentially unpleasant place with potentially unpleasant consequences?

Possimpible · 22/08/2023 15:10

'Her feelings are valid, I need to prioritise my daughter over dsd' - you've got the wicked stepmother down at least. You and DD are being mean, but you don't want to hear that.

Tandora · 22/08/2023 15:12

Possimpible · 22/08/2023 15:10

'Her feelings are valid, I need to prioritise my daughter over dsd' - you've got the wicked stepmother down at least. You and DD are being mean, but you don't want to hear that.

'Her feelings are valid, I need to prioritise my daughter over dsd' - you've got the wicked stepmother down at least

100% 😆. very “do the dishes cinderelly”

Sisterpita · 22/08/2023 15:14

Your poor DSD, she is excited and wants to be included. Please think long and hard about excluding her.

As pp have said if your DD wants tradition then just you and your Mum go. When she is the bride it’s her choice.

These days it seems to be you take an entourage - the one person you trust to tell you the truth (friend/Mum), then family and friends so Mum, DSD, DD and a trusted friend would be ideal.

sandyhappypeople · 22/08/2023 15:16

DD doesn’t want to share the experience with dsd.

I really don't like the sound of that, unless there's some back story about them not getting on then your daughter sounds incredibly mean to try and purposely exclude DSD, if they were actually sisters I'm sure you'd tell her to stop being selfish, and wouldn't even entertain the though of excluding her.

I think if DSD has shown an interest it would be a lovely to include her and have a girls day out for everyone, you could get some nice lunch somewhere, and the girls may bond /keep each other company for the boring bits!

SpunkyGibbon · 22/08/2023 15:24

You are letting a 12 year old dictate who goes shopping for dress ?
I'd be telling her it's a mother/daughter thing when SHE gets married and then she gets to choose
If you don't invite her too be prepared for a big fall out that will never be fully resolved because you won't get that day back
If you invite them both and your daughter refuses it's her loss

Hesma · 22/08/2023 15:34

Excluding DSD would send a clear message as to her status in the new family unit. Your DD is 12, she won’t think if this. Explain it to her and don’t exclude DSD. Take your DD out for afternoon and have a separate special moment with her.

OnTheRoll · 22/08/2023 17:33

I would do what my DD asks and make it a mother and daughter event. She doesn't want DSD there at this time (having no doubt shared you with her many a time her whole life) and you seem to not want to invite DSD on this occasion. It is obviously important for your DD and she comes first. She is 12, cherish the time when she wants you all to yourself.
YANBU

Original poster
Thebigday · 22/08/2023 17:50

SpunkyGibbon · 22/08/2023 15:24

You are letting a 12 year old dictate who goes shopping for dress ?
I'd be telling her it's a mother/daughter thing when SHE gets married and then she gets to choose
If you don't invite her too be prepared for a big fall out that will never be fully resolved because you won't get that day back
If you invite them both and your daughter refuses it's her loss

Im not letting her dictate me, she voiced a opinion and I listened. I don’t automatically shut her down when she’s speaking to me.

My dsd wouldn’t refuse.

OP posts:
Squidger45 · 22/08/2023 17:58

Thebigday · 22/08/2023 17:50

Im not letting her dictate me, she voiced a opinion and I listened. I don’t automatically shut her down when she’s speaking to me.

My dsd wouldn’t refuse.

Show quote history

You've also asked MN's opinion, but are definitely not listening to the responses. 100% in favour of taking DSD.

I have a DSD and my own DS, and wouldn't dream of excluding DSD from anything. But that's just me.

Original poster
Thebigday · 22/08/2023 18:02

Squidger45 · 22/08/2023 17:58

You've also asked MN's opinion, but are definitely not listening to the responses. 100% in favour of taking DSD.

I have a DSD and my own DS, and wouldn't dream of excluding DSD from anything. But that's just me.

Show quote history

I am listening, I’m just replying back to posters who put stuff about tradition or letting my dd dictate to me.

OP posts:
Laiste · 22/08/2023 18:17

I think you should include DSD.

You've known her since she was one year old!

I'd be telling DD i love DSD and i want her there with us. When YOU get married you can have just mum and blood-daughters only shopping time.

I wouldn't take this as a nice or flattering thing from DD. I'd quite disappointed with her.

LeilaDarling · 22/08/2023 18:37

Say to your Dd it would be unkind to exclude your DSD and the more the merrier - let us know how you get on - please don’t exclude the girl, I was excluded from the very same thing - maybe 8 years ago now - and it still upsets me/plays on my mind.

Freeme31 · 22/08/2023 18:42

Do you want your dsd there? I would say that's the million dollar question. It is supposed to be blending two families- maybe a "learning" experience for your own daughter?

rocke · 22/08/2023 18:54

Absolutely awful to invite your dd and not your dsd in this situation. Very unpleasant behaviour from your dd that you should absolutely not be indulging. This is the sort of thing that your dsd would never, ever forget.